The Black Knight in Equestria

Big McIntosh drew the heavy tiller into the barn, sweat pouring off of his withers. Today had been a right strange day so far, what with that human feller threatening the townsponies. Mac felt he’d been right to give him a good buck, but still worried that he might have done some lasting damage. Humans were fragile little things, after all.

His thoughts were interrupted by a high pitched squawking sound. His ears swiveled as his large head turned back to the barn entrance. Wonder if one of Fluttershy’s critters got loose again. He headed out of the barn, eyes sweeping the orchards for the source of the sound. His deep green eyes squinted, picking out a dark blue figure on the horizon, followed closely by what looked to be a brown “T” shape. Holy moly, ah think that’s the Princess Luna. Wonder if she’s encountered that strange little human yet... oh Celestia.

The sqauwking grew ever louder, and he now recognized the Princess and dropped hastily to his knees as she approached. She landed lightly before him on the packed dirt of the farm, nodding her head in recognition of his bow. Coming behind her, slightly slower, was Dancer carrying the human. Dancer’s eyes seemed stuck in a perpetual roll, and the squawking had resolved itself into the words of the human.

“FLYING HIGH SO I CAN’T FIGHT YOU, IS THAT YOUR GAME? YOU YELLOW BELLIED DAUGHTER OF A HAMSTER! PUT ME DOWN BY THIS FARM AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE TRUE MIGHT OF THE BLACK KNIGHT!” He attempted to strike a pose, something that is not easy to do nor very advisable when being carried by an easily irritated flying creature.

About ten feet from the ground, the pegasus suddenly sped up before releasing the knight. He tumbled, end over end, before finally coming to a rest at McIntosh’s hooves. As the human righted himself and sputtered angrily, Dancer fluttered down, her face a mask of faux innocence. “Oh DEAR, did I drop you? I’m so sorry, you’re just so wiggly and squirmy!” She dropped to the ground hastily, bowing before the Princess.

“YOU LIE, NAG! YOU DROPPED ME ON PURPOSE! WHEN I GET MY SWORD BACK, I’M GOING TO SHAVE YOUR BLOODY FEATHERS OFF AND TURN THEM INTO QUILLS!” He pointed one finger accusingly at her.

“You seem no worse for the wear,” Luna opined with a tinge of sadness to her voice. “No matter. Dancer, you are dismissed, and please be more careful when carrying other creatures.”

“Yes, your majesty.” She bowed once more before taking off, leaving the three of them to themselves.

The Knight, hands balled into fists, directed his rage at the next likely target. He whirled around and shoved himself nose-to-nose with Big Mac, eyes wild and accusing. “WHERE ARE MY ARMAMENTS? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THEM, YOU OAFISH BEAST?” His breathing was ragged, chest heaving with the indignity of it all.

Mac’s calm countenance remained unchanged, though his eyes seemed a bit harder than before. At least the human seemed okay, even if his seemingly unending hatred for all things living remained. He looked at the Knight for a long moment, then cast his eyes over to Luna’s. She gave an imperceptible nod. His eyes swept back to the lunatic pupils of the Knight.

“Well, after you took that nasty buck to the head, I brought ‘em up here for safekeepin’.”

“CUR! THOSE WERE NOT YOURS TO TAKE! HOW DARE YOU ROB THE BLACK KNIGHT OF HIS BELONGINGS! THOU SHALT SNUFF IT, VERILY!” He put up his comparatively tiny hands, balled into fists and ready to fight. “NOW HAVE AT YOU! NOT SO TOUGH WHEN YOU DON’T SNEAK UP ON ME, EH? EH?”

“SIR KNIGHT,” came the booming voice of Luna. “THY QUARREL IS WITH US, NOT WITH YON VILLAGER. DO NOT FORGET WHAT WE SAID BEFORE TRAVELLING HERE.” She stepped forward, inserting herself between the Knight and Big Mac, who moved back to make room for her. “McIntosh Apple, please retrieve the Knight’s things. The royal coffers shall reimburse you for any damage caused by our battle.”

“‘Course, yer Majesty.” He hustled back into the barn and up the ladder into the loft, digging the sword and helmet out of the extra hay up there. Returning to the pair, he dropped them unceremoniously at the Knight’s feet. Satisfied that he’d done his duty, he kneeled once more to the princess before turning to head back to the farmhouse.

“WAIT! RETURN, STALLION! MY SQUIRE IS NOT HERE AND THUS YOU MUST PLACE MY ARMAMENTS UPON MY NOBLE BODY.” The Knight stood, hands on his hips, glaring at Mac.

Mac simply shook his head. “Eeenope.” He continued to the farmhouse, wanting to be well away from Princess Luna’s wrath.

“USELESS GELDING! ONCE I HAVE FINISHED WITH THE BLUE NAG, I SHALL COME FOR YOU! MARK MY WORDS, DEVIL HORSE! THY DAYS ARE NUMBERED!” He bent over and scrabbled for his helmet and sword, hastily putting them on before turning to Luna. “ART THOU READY FOR THY UTTER HUMILIATION?”

Luna, for her part, simply looked bored. “We invite you to try, Sir Knight.” She stood back, wings outstretched, but otherwise looking fairly relaxed.

“HAVE AT YOU, NAG!” The Black Knight drew his sword, the sunlight glinting off of it. He raised it up, beginning his charge at this creature, this foul beast that dared laugh at him in a moment of weakness. His crazed eyes from under his helmet fixed on the horse’s infuriatingly calm teal ones as he crossed the distance between them, sword swinging up overhead and then coming down towards her neck in a blaze of anger.

As the sword struck Luna’s neck, it turned quite suddenly into a wildflower. No flash of light, no magic aura, just ‘so that’s a flower now, enjoy.’ Some pollen dislodged from it, causing her to give a most adorable little sneeze. She blinked up at the Knight, confused. He blinked right back, for a moment rendered mercifully speechless, holding a lovely maroon flower where his sword had proudly been a moment before.

He looked around the orchard. She pawed awkwardly at the ground with one silver shoe, looking over her shoulder and feeling a bit odd. She broke the silence. “So! That was, uh, different. I didn’t know thou liked begonias”

This seemed to rouse the Knight from his confusion, and he jerked his head up, glaring at Luna. “IT WAS YOU! YOU, COWARDLY BEAST, YOU HAVE USED YOUR DEVIL MAGIKS TO TURN MY BELOVED SWORD INTO A BLOODY FLOWER! AND THE BLACK KNIGHT HAS NO TIME FOR FLOWER ARRANGING!” He shook the wildflower in her face for emphasis, causing another adorable sneeze before she could retaliate.

“TIS A LIE! WE USED NO MAGIC IN THE COURSE OF THIS BATTLE! WE SWEAR IT UPON OUR HONOR!” She stamped a hoof on the ground, getting right up in the Knight’s face.

“THOU ART THE LIAR, DEVIL MARE! YOU MAY HAVE TAKEN MY SWORD FROM ME, BUT IN THE NAME OF MY BLOODY ANNOYING GOD I SWEAR I SHALL DESTROY YOU”

“Oh? And how, pray tell, dost thou expect to accomplish such a feat, with naught but a wilting flower where your mighty weapon once stood proud and tall?” Luna said, with a half-smile on her face.

“RIGHT! THAT’S IT! YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR! I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS, BUT YOU AND YOUR BLOODY MAGICAL COWARDICE FORCED ME INTO IT!” The Black Knight takes in a deep breath, as though steeling himself for committing the direst of atrocities. “NI! NI! NI! Take that, you insolent broken down old screw! NI! How do you like them apples, eh? NI! NI!”

Luna looked, if anything, bemused. “Art thou feeling thyself? This word, Ni, is new to me. Pray tell, what does it mean? “

“Impossible! The sacred words of power! DAMN THIS THRICE-ACCURSED PLACE, IS NOTHING-”

“SILENCE!” The clouds rent asunder once more, and both Luna and the Knight turned baffled faces to the clouds. Once the lunar princess saw who was there, she facehoofed and shook her head.

God looked down from His perch on a bed of clouds, His normally pristine shaggy hair and beard were ruffled, and his crown was askew. Laying beside him on the bed was the alicorn of the sun, mane in a similar state of disrepair and her crown entirely missing. She looked down on the scene with half-lidded eyes and a contented smile, one hoof holding up The Holy Grail, from which she took the occasional sip.

“Lulu! Hey Lulu! Look, God came to visit! Wish you were here, sister!” The solar princess gave an exaggerated wave, swigging down another gulp of what was quite clearly alcohol.

The Black Knight was unsure if he should kneel before his God in such an unseemly state. “GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS BLASTED UNIVERSE OF HORSES? WHY DID YOU SEND ME HERE? THIS IS UTTERLY AWFUL. THIS PONY TURNED MY SWORD INTO A FLOWER! AND DIDN’T YOU TELL US NOT TO COVET THY NEIGHBOURS ASS?” More gesturing with the offending plant, causing Luna now to giggle a bit.

“Oh, that. I enchanted your sword before you left. It cleaned it entirely and also turns it into a flower any time you attempt to use it against a creature in this world. I simply had to show up so I could see your bloody face once it happened! Now, have you learned as much about the magic of friendship as Celestia has taught me? Maybe thee can put thy rageboner to another use, eh?” Celestia shot him a drunken and also somewhat hurt look. “Yes, yes, I came to see you too, Celly. TO SEE YOUR FLANK! HA! I’M SUCH A BLOODY BASTARD. At least the stains won’t show on your coat, eh Celly? And if you recall those commandments so well, you’ll know I ordered that thou shalt not kill, which is a commandment you’ve merrily pissed on for years. DON’T PREACH TO ME, SINNER.”

The Knight’s face fell, before resuming it’s usual angry state. “YOU DID WHAT? THAT WAS MY FATHER’S SWORD, AND HIS FATHER’S BEFORE HIM, AND HIS FATHER’S BEFORE HIM, AND HIS FATHER’S BEFORE HI-”

A group of ponies who had gathered to watch the not-so-epic showdown interrupted. “GET ON WITH IT!”

“KNAVES! BLACKGARDS! TRIFLERS! DO NOT INTERRUPT WHEN I AM SPEAKING.”

“Oh do shut up, you stupid bastard. Anyway, I just wanted to see your face and get some sweet sunshine flank before heading back. Thanks for providing the entertainment! Well, the second half it anyway, haha.” And with that, the clouds closed up, hiding the radiance of the Gods from mortal eyes.

The Knight turned angrily to Luna, who was now rubbing the side of her temple as though her head hurt. “HORSE! CANST THOU FIX MINE SWORD?”

“And why, pray tell, should the Princess of the night assist a blackguard such as thineself?” Luna asked, clearly still annoyed at her sisters behavior.

“Art thou backing out of battle, oh Princess? Hast thou had enough of my manly swagger from a mere flower bouncing off your precious little neck? Ha! I had hoped a Princess had more honor than that.” He stood back, arms smugly crossed as he eyed Luna.

“Well, if you put it like that, I may not have had enough of your manly swagger. And I’m in the mood to annoy dear sister right now, so what do you say?” Her eyes fluttered half closed, seductively eyeing the Black Knight.

“AHA, I KNE- wait, what the damnation are you implying? I have no desire to thrust my sword into your scabbard, you foul spawn of Hell!”

The gears turned in Luna’s head, and she quickly caught up, a look of confusion being replaced with a flat look of unamusement. “We are most interested in pranks, Black Knight. Not any less...savory activities thy disgusting mind hath imagined. We would not soil our royal sheath with an inferior sword, after all.” With that, she turned, and with a hard beat of her wings rose up into the sky. “We must return to Canterlot. Our sister needs us.”

“INFERIOR? THE BLACK KNIGHT KNOWS NOT THE MEANING OF THE WORD! NOW COME HERE, YOU TROLLOP, AND SEE HOW INFERIOR I AM FOR YOURSELF! WAIT, where are you going? The Black Knight can never refuse a challenge! Come back here so I can show you the Black Knight’s white lightning!”

Snowflake, who had arrived in time to see the battle, trotted up and placed a comforting hoof on his shoulder. “She’s gone, bro. Let it go. Too many stallions have spent years admiring that flank. I’ve got a pony I think you should meet, he helped me through a lot of my anger issues. He lives in the forest, but I know a mare, you know. C’mon. Bring your, um, flower with you, just in case.” Snowflake turned and trotted towards the stream bordering the forest, the Black Knight following mostly due to a lack of anything else to do and a lack of important looking shrubbery in the immediate vicinity.