The Black Knight in Equestria

Around the back of a familiar cottage at the edge of the Everfree Forest, a yellow pegasus cheerfully hummed as she flitted from birdhouse to birdhouse. She smiled at all the little families that had taken up residence this year, glowing with happiness and pride. Sweet birdsong mingled with her own cheerful humming, complementing each other into a tiny orchestra of spring.

So lost was she in her own world of song that she failed to notice the voices and footsteps coming up her path. Angel Bunny, however, was no slouch, and he began increasingly annoying ways of getting her attention. Thumping the ground didn’t work. Squeaking in his little bunny voice didn’t work. Hurling the left over fruits from breakfast, however, did.

With a squeak of fear, Fluttershy’s wings snapped closed and she landed ungracefully on the ground, nose to nose with her beloved pet. “Oh, Angel Bunny, you scared me! Please try to be more careful next time.” She stood and stretched out her legs and wings, looking off into the sky. Angel violently thumped his broad foot onto her foreleg, causing her to draw back and look at the bunny with concern.

“What is it, Angel? Is something wrong?” The tiny rabbit desperately pointed towards the front of the house. She could finally hear voices drifting up to her. Male voices.

“V-visitors? Oh my. M-maybe it’s just Big Mac-but oh, he doesn’t talk that much, at least not usually. What do you think, Angel?” Her wide teal eyes fixed gently on her pet, showing her trademark shyness.

With a dramatic roll of his eyes, he hopped behind Fluttershy and rabbit-kicked her in the flank to get her moving.

“Oh! Of course. It would be very rude to leave them waiting, especially if they have a pet that needs healing!” With newfound purpose, she trotted around to the front of the house.

“I’m sorry, I was out back and I didn’t hear you come up. Did you need some-” The rest of the sentence died in her mouth, ending in a small squeak as she dashed back around the side of the house. It was one of them! Those two legged animals that kept showing up! Why did they always fixate on her? She wanted no part of their always crude and occasionally physically impossible lusts.

“The Black Knight needs no help from man nor mare! And thine adorable countenance has no effect on a warrior such as I! Now, relinquish your marvellous topiary, for a cowardly coloured sissy like you has not the stomach to properly guard such wonders!” The Black Knight advanced on the cowering pony, brandishing the flame of his fury like a flag of honour.

Snowflake retrieved his eyebrows from the treetops and nudged in front of the Knight. “Whoa, bro. That’s our guide into the forest you’re talkin’ to. She’s a real sweet mare but ya gotta relax around her. Be gentle. If you can’t, let me do the talkin’. I’m real smooth with the ladies.” He winked at the Knight.

“SLANDEROUS CUR! THE BLACK KNIGHT COWERS BEFORE NO CREATURE, LET ALONE A PANSY LITTLE FILLY SCARED OF HER OWN SHADOW! MOVE ASIDE, BEAST, AND LET ME BRING DOWN THE WRATH SHE JUSTLY DESERVES FOR RUNNING FROM ME!” The Knight began to tromp forth, pushing against Snowflake’s ample muscles with his arms.

The stallion sighed. “Look, if you don’t want EVERYONE knowing that your name is MILDRED, you better back off and let me handle this.”

“KNAVE! YOU DARE THREATEN ME?” Snowy held his gaze, not backing down an inch.

“YEAAAAH!”

“THOU ART A ROGUE AND A BLACKGARD. Thine treachery knows no depths, base animal of the field. Thou shalt let me perform my duties uninterrupted, or-”

“Whatever, Mildred. Hey, Fluttershy, come here! I got something funny to tell ya, you’ll love it!”

“NO! STAY THY HOOVES, SQUEAKY YELLOW HORSE! Thou cannot! FINE! You force the Black Knights hand, but know this, timid one: were you not to have such a malodorous traitor to protect you, thee would be in a right pickle!”

“Um, I don’t want to make anypony angry, I’m so sorry if I offended you sir. I’m glad you like my garden though. Maybe we can share it?” Fluttershy extends her characteristic goodwill, even in the face of such rampant cockmastery.

The Black Knight, however, knew no such restraint, and merely turned his head away with a “Hmmph”.

“Well, at least the flankface has shut up now. Are you okay, Fluttershy? How’s Angel?” Snowflake said, almost tenderly, leaning in close to the graceful model.

“Oh yes, thank you Snowflake. Though I-I hope you won’t mind if I ask you to try not to touch the flowers. I mean no offense, but I think there’s a slightly... chemical smell on you, and my garden is ever so delicate.”

“Of course, Miss Fluttershy.” Snowflake’s eyes flash red for a second as he repressed the instinct to bark back an insult to the slight on his person.

As the two were conversing, The Black Knight had wandered off, lost in rapt adulation of the glorious array of shrubberies before him, before something horrible jerked him out of his reverie. Something terrible, a monster the likes of which he never thought he would see again. He tpok a step back as the terrifying creature, the only creature to best him in personal combat, approaches him with an angry expression on its features...

“NO! IT CANNOT BE! WE LEFT THEE FAR BEHIND, IN THE DREADED WASTES OF CAERBANNOG! GOD, THE HIM-FORSAKEN BASTARD, MUST HAVE SENT YOU HERE TO BEST ME! WELL KNOW THIS, FOUL DEMON, YOU SHALT NOT HAVE SUCH AN EASY FIGHT AS WHEN LAST WE MET! HAVE AT THEE!” The Black Knight charged in, wildly pinwheeling his arms as a startled Angel bunny runs off through his legs, nipping him on the ankle as he goes.

The brave Knight overbalances, tripping on a nefarious root and landing on his mailed posterior, sliding through the mud in a manner most unbecoming of a warrior. Unfortunately, this only spurred his rage onto greater heights, if that were possible, and he picked himself up, spitting incoherent strings of obscenities as he charged once more.

“OH I GET IT! TOO YELLOW TO TAKE ME ON MAN-TO-RABBIT? COME HERE AND TAKE YOUR THRASHING LIKE A HARE, YOU SLIPPERY LITTLE BUCK-TOOTHED BAG OF BADGER FOOD!” The Knight aims a hefty boot at the furious leporine, only for the incensed animal to jump onto his leg and sink his razor-sharp teeth into the gallant sir’s leg.

The incredibly brave Knight immediately squealed like a sow being rutted, reaching down and grabbing the furious bunny’s hind legs and yanking him off of his leg. Angel pulled himself up, baring his fangs to bite down on the Knight’s hand as said Knight was winding up to chuck the incredibly dangerous bunny across the garden. Before this could happen, his entire world was suddenly flooded by nothing but furious teal eye, fixing his attention. He found himself unable to look away, frozen in place.

“And just what do you think you are doing, mister? Unhand my bunny at once!” The knight slowly complied, releasing his hands and letting Angel thump unceremoniously to the ground. “And YOU!” She turned her rage on the fearful but unhurt rabbit. “You know we do not, do not bite our visitors!”

The obnoxious bundle of snowy-white bad attitude turned his gaze to Fluttershy, somehow conveying in a glance the situation. The bold Knight just stood there, transfixed and unable to move, confusion and anger running through him like his beloved sword through some manky bastard. Fluttershy hovered above both of them, forehooves planted on her hips as she pushed her relentless stare at the human.

“But he...the rabbit...Caerbannog...” The Knight found himself somehow unable to summon up his endless rage at the moment.

Fluttershy shook her head angrily. “I don’t know WHAT you are talking about. Both of you calm down, right now.”

The Knight shut his trap. Angel sat up quietly beside the Knight.

“Now, shake paws.” She smiled gently at Angel. “Go on.”

The rabbit and the human grudgingly did as she asked, tiny Angel paw shaking the Knight’s index finger. The Black Knight leaned close in, and whispered to the sullen rabbit “Thou may have gained a stay of execution for now, adorable monstrosity, but know ye this: when next we meet, thee shall end the encounter as naught but a pair of fluffy thermal mittens.”

“Good!” Landing gently on the ground, Fluttershy smiled brightly. “Now, what did you need?”

Snowflake finally found his voice again. “Oh! Uh, I wanted to see if you could guide us through the forest. We want to go see Dr. Brainymane. I was thinking he could help this, uh, human dude.”

“Um. I mean, I can certainly guide you there, but. I don’t like visiting that Dr. Mane. He’s mean to everypony.”

A gentle smile went towards Fluttershy from Snowflake, meant to calm her. “Don’t you worry. He won’t be mean to you, or else he’ll answer to me, okay?”

“W-well...” She cast her eyes around, hiding behind her hair as she considered.

“We can’t go alone, we might get lost-and the Everfree forest is very dangerous. You’re our best hope.” Snowflake did his best squinty rendition of ‘puppy dog eyes’, which is to say he looked like he might vomit.

“O-okay. I’ll do it.” Fluttershy nodded resolutely, and began leading the odd pair towards the forest, Angel Bunny riding on her back and keeping a close eye on the strange human.

An hour or so later, the much-ruffled trio finally came into the clearing surrounding Dr. Brainymane’s house. Gingerly walking through the modest vegetable patch, the Knight turned a keen eye to the greenery surrounding them.

“Pah! Such unkept foliage is worth nary a glance from mine eyes. Truly, this Mane must be an untidy ruffian.”

“That’s rich, coming from someone covered in mud and cut-rate chainmail.” A tallish stallion trotted from around the cottage’s corner, wearing a pair of goggles and an expression of weary nihilism.

“You dare impugne upon the Black Knight’s appearance? This livery was tailored by the finest smithy’s in Arthur’s kingdom!”

“Well, I’m guessing Arthur caught tetanus at an early age, then? Now tell me why you came here so you can leave.” Mane seems unimpressed by the Knights attitude, meeting his irate gaze head-on.

“THE KING’S SMITH’S ARE BEYOND REPROACH, YOU DITHERING NINNYHAMMER! Now, have thee any last words before I give thee a haircut to suit thine pathetic and unimpressive manhood?” The ever-irate Knight draws his flower, readying himself for a charge once more.

“Yes, as it happens. Anyone trying to threaten with a flower can’t really talk about pathetic and unimpressive. Now, you came here for a reason, and I’m guessing it wasn’t to get insulted by me. So, what. Was. It?”

Just as the knight lumbered forward into battle, now-rusted greaves squeaking, Snowflake walked in front of him and put a hoof to his chest, halting him. “Dude, remember why we’re here. This guy’s a total flankhole, but he can help you. Swallow your pride, and back down for once.”

“...The Black Knight will heed thy words just this once, but be warned: Once our business here is curtailed, we are to have a lengthy talk concerning my boots in your throat! Now take your damn...hoof off mine noble breast!”

“Fine with me bro, I’ve been looking forward to kicking your flank all day long. Now, shut the buck up and listen to this guy.” Snowflake took his hoof from the warrior’s chest, and turned to Dr. Brainymane. “Listen, doc, this guy’s been a pain in the flank for everypony he’s come across since he arrived here. He’s attacked pretty much everypony he’s met, including Princess Luna. I figured you could help him with his anger issues, right?”

“Yes, I probably could. I can’t see any reason why I should, though. What’s in this for me?”

“Ya mean aside from the chance to not act like a total buckwad for once in your life? Aside from taking an opportunity to do something good for the whole of the town? No? Ok, how about if you do, Luna will owe you a favour.” Dr Mane calmly took all this in, right up until the last point, whereupon his eyes light up with malicious ideas.

“Alright, done.” Mane then turned to the Knight. “You. Get your ass in the cottage, but make sure you wipe it first.”

The Knight’s rage was clearly seething and boiling under the surface, but he managed to keep a lid on it, and followed the Doctor into the house.

“Now, do you have an actual name, or do I just call you ‘Knight’. Or maybe ‘Knighty’, if you prefer.” The Knight was lying down on Mane’s couch, having been persuaded to clean his armour after seeing the sorry state it was in. Snowflake and Fluttershy were in the kitchen, leaving the cantankerous doctor alone with the perpetually-homicidal Knight.

“The Black Knight is the only name that matters to me any more. My given name is irrelevant. And thou shalt keep a civil tongue in thine head when addressing a noble of my standing, whelp.”

The good doctor rolled his eyes, scribbling on a sheet of paper attached to a clipboard. “I see. Your mother named you that? What is your relationship like with her now?” The doctor was well aware that it was the rare psychopath that spoke highly of his mother.

The Knight looked at him sharply. “Mine mother has passed on.”

“My condolences. Was she ill for a long time?”

“No. I killed her with mine own sword the day I reached manhood. ‘Twas a glorious day, indeed.” The Knight smiled cheerfully, recalling the fond memory.

The stallion looked up abruptly, quill raised. “I’m sorry, but why would you kill your mother, if I may ask?”

“Because of mine given name.” The Knight groused and folded his arms. “The harlot had it coming.”

“Really? And you don’t want to tell me what your given name is? Listen, if you wanted to waste my bucking time you could at least have the courtesy to make it interesting. YOU came to ME for help. Now, are you going to tell me your name, or are you going to get the buck out of here and wind up in the Canterlot cells?”

“Thou hast a nature not unlike my own. I sense the spirit of a warrior in thee, horse. Few men would have the courage to speak to me in the manner you have, even fewer foolhardy enough to do so anyway. Fine. The witch named me, a man of great standing and nobility, Mildred. The faithless whore forced my hand.” Arms crossed still over his chest, the Knight looked off to the side, embarrassed.

“I...see.” The quill scratched across the parchment, then stopped, the feathered end tapping the doctor’s chin as he looked thoughtfully at the Knight.

“I believe I’ve heard enough. I know exactly what will keep you from trying to murder everything in Equestria.” And provide everyone with a damn good laugh, too.

“Well, out with it then! My heart once more lusts for battle!” The Knights eyes light up with anger once more, as he follows the doctor through the kitchen into the laboratory.

“Now, these herbs are hoofing hard to get hold of, so save them for when you meet important people. Like, next time you run into the princesses, for instance. They’ll help you calm down, and... well, see the world in a different light. It’s called Gloomsbane, but you won’t find it in any official shops. Now, take your damn friends and buck off back to Ponyville, I’ve got research to do.”

“Very well. But be warned, the Black Knight has little tolerance for your attitude. When next we meet, thou had better bloody well keep a civil tongue in thy head.” With that, the Knight stuffed the herbs in his pocket, noticing a slight tingling sensation left on his hand...

Back at Fluttershy’s cottage, the four were gathered around a table, debating what to do.

“I really think we should visit the palace. Um, if that’s okay with everypony. I think we need to let the Princesses know the situation is under control. Is everypony okay with that?”

“That sounds fine to me.” Snowflake shrugged. “But I still want my go at this idiot.”

“HA! THOU SHALT RUE THE DAY THOU OFFERED SUCH A CHALLENGE, KNAVE!”

Fluttershy rubbed her temples. “O-okay. Sir Knight? What did the doctor give you? Was it something to help you?”

“Verily, he hath given me something by the name of Gloomsbane. He suggested it may calm me down, though I do not know why that bloody bastard would suggest I need calming. The nerve! I shall return to his cottage at once and beat him black and blue with my begonia!” He made as if to stand, but Snowflake pushed his shoulder back down.

Teal eyes darted back and forth as Fluttershy considered her options. “S-Sir Knight? Um, maybe you should eat some of the Gloomsbane now, if that’s okay with you. It’s j-just, what if you have an allergy to it? I wouldn’t want you to eat it in town where a doctor wouldn’t get to you fast enough.” She nodded. That made sense, right?

Of course, Fluttershy knew precisely what gloomsbane was and why it was called such, and figured that the sooner this crazy bastard ate some, the better.

“Verily, thy logic is sound. The Black Knight is loathe to heed the words of the doctor. And besides, I feel the need for a drink after such tribulations, and this may do just as well.” He pulled a small section of the leafy plant from his pack, sniffing the tips. “Filly! Direct me. Shall I eat the entire plant, or just the stems?”

“Oh, eat the whole thing, if you don’t mind. We need to be sure you won’t have a reaction to any of it.” She squeak smiled up at the Knight, leaning forward slightly, eyes glowing with anticipation.

Snowflake raised his eyebrow at Fluttershy, wondering about the real reason she was so insistent. He didn’t know her TOO well, but well enough to know when she was acting a bit strange. Those big eyes, looking even wider and more innocent than before, were also tipping him off. This mare’s up to something. Don’t know what, but if it makes this flankface any easier to deal with it’s worth a shot.

And so the Black Knight shoved the bundle of herbs into his mouth, chewing voraciously with his mouth open. He made a face as he forced them down, grunting. “Mine stomach is empty, I have not eaten since my arrival in this accursed land of horses. Tell me, does all thine food have such a bitter tang to it? Fetch me a drink to scour this unholy flavour from my mouth!” Fluttershy flitted away to the kitchen as the Knight’s mouth twists in disgust, swallowing the last of the herbs.

Fluttershy bustled around the kitchen, preparing a pot of tea. Once the kettle had boiled, and she had laid out the cups and saucers, at least ten minutes had passed, and she felt anxious to return to her impromptu guests. What if he really was allergic? She hoped she had enough anti-allergy herbs to counter it, though he didn’t look too heavy so he might not need much.

She trotted back into the kitchen, tray balanced on her hoof. “I’m sorry Mr Knight, I didn’t mean to put any pressure on you. They’re your herbs, and you should eat them whenever you please... oh.”

Her eyes met a very strange scene on entering the kitchen. The Knight was slowly moving his head from side to side, intently studying his hands. “I cannot believe mine eyes never before noticed the intricate pattern of chainmail in the soft light of dusk... it is truly beautiful...” Snowflake was covering his muzzle with a hoof, trying not to burst out laughing.

While the Knight was thus occupied, Angel Bunny scampered onto the table and ran right up to the Knight, eying him critically. He looked the same, that’s for sure, but somehow less...wild, thought the rabbit. When the Knight locked eyes with him, he barely had time to register the Knight’s much larger than usual pupils before he was snatched up in chainmail gloves.

“OH GLORIOUS HARE!” He rubbed the now desperately squeaking bunny against his unhelmeted face, a smile of pure joy across his features. The bunny, for his part, looked wildly around for Fluttershy, who stood in the doorway with a knowing little smile on her face. Angel’s eyes narrowed at her.

“Oh, I see you’ve made friends with Angel! How wonderful.” The tea was distributed swiftly to each pony, person, and bunny. “Now, I know he’s very soft, but please put Angel down now. It’s time for tea! And look, I even gave you the prettiest teacup I have!” She beamed like an angel at the Knight, gently taking Angel back and plopping him beside her.

After removing his chainmail, the Knight complied, lifting his cup and holding it to the beams of sunlight filtering through the room, oohing and aahing at the dance of light on liquid. “So very...very lovely, Miss Fluttershy... the floral pattern matches my mighty weapon...”

She felt a poke to her side, and turned to Snowflake, who was eyeballing her and giggling slightly. “What.”

“What?” She asked innocently.

“Wat.”

A/N: Dancer here, with a game for all of you! If you can correctly guess what substance we drew our inspiration from for what the Knight is currently on, your OC gets a cameo in our story! The colors and race of the OC are subject to change, in the event your OC is a red and black alicorn. SORRY MR DARKNESS MCNIGHTSLAYER.

EDIT: The "game" is over! Sorry if you were too late to participate before it was over.