Chapters What am I? I’m a monster, that’s what I am. A cold blooded, love stealing monster. I’m one messed up living being. I can’t help it! I was raised to be one! I am a changeling. Yes, that horrid creature. That’s me. I hate being me. It’s a real pain. I’m a monster within monsters. I’m different from the rest. I don’t know why or what formed this monstrosity, but one thing is for sure, I’m different. Most changelings have those soul piercing eyes, pitch black body, and house fly-like wings and horrid sense of humor. I’m just the opposite. Wings like a pegasus, eyes of a pony, and worst of all a blue skinned body. I’m mocked every day from the other changelings. It all started in elementary school where the other changelings talked behind my back about me. They would always say “dude, what’s up with THAT girl?” and they would avoid me and never play with me during lunch time. The teachers never called on me when others raised their hooves, the principal was never on my side, my childhood was dark and horrible. I needed something to make it better. That something never came.
I never had anyone as a friend. They all thought I was too weird to even poke with a stick, which they rudely did occasionally. As a little changeling, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I always came home to my adoptive mother my head hung low with my heart destroyed. It couldn’t be more destroyed if you ran it over with a Zamboni. Sometimes I came home with bruises and cuts from getting beat up. Even my mother never really paid all the much attention to me. I was always denies my wants in life. “Can I have an Ipod?” “Can I go play outside?” “Can you buy me a stuffed animal?” and the answer was always “no, no, NO!”
I began to hate my life at middle school. I had reached the level of clinical depression at that state. I didn’t care anymore, I just wanted to sit at my table, by my lone self reading a book at lunch while other changelings laughed at me, beat me up, and threw food at me. I remember a lot of mashed potatoes. I cried every day, waiting and hoping that someone or something would make my life at least a little bit better. That person or thing never came. It hasn’t come yet even.
I’m nineteen now, my life still sucks, and I’ve been trapped in this stupid hive that we live in since my childhood. I don’t remember the outside. It must be beautiful. Where ever my real parents are in the real world, I want to find them. I have no idea of what the real world is like, how big it is, or how awesome it is. I’m stuck in a black, soulless, loveless, horrid hive.
Another thing that makes me strange is my personality. I see these evil changelings harassing, raping, and even killing their pony captives. Not before sucking all of the love they have right out of them. They kill them like it is a sport. Hell, it IS a sport to them! Innocent lives, gone in the blink of an eye without them having a say in it at all. They teach us it in high school! I was white at the thought of it! I couldn’t kill my victim. My fangs are sharp, like a changeling, but I haven’t the heart to do that! It’s grotesque and unnatural! The school got me help from the best teachers in the hive, but even they couldn’t make me. They even got the QUEEN to try and help me! The QUEEN! Queen Chrysalis! Yeah! You all know her! She failed to get me to do it as well! I refuse to do that for as long as I live. What if that pony has a family? A wife? A husband? A child? What will that family do, just bunch up and mourn their loved one’s death at our amusement? We are monsters. Grotesque creatures that are guilty of horrible crimes. I am ashamed to even be around such creatures, let alone be one!
We live under a strict monarchy, meaning that if you don’t follow the Queen’s orders, you get a trident shoved up your ass and thrown in jail. That’s where I am now, however I was joking about the trident thing, sure feels like it though. I’m in jail! I never thought I would end up here for not being like the others. Sitting in the cold corner, thinking about why I’m so different. I’ve been rotting in here for a few days now, waiting for it to be my turn to hit the dust. I’m supposed to be tested today. In only a few minutes. I don’t know what I’ll be tested for, but I know for sure that it’s going to be something I would never do.
…I hear footsteps coming my way, and they are quite in tune. Those must be the guards. What do I do? I… I’ve lost all hope. They are staring at me with their bloodthirsty, demonic eyes. They see me, yet their eyes can’t see anything. One speaks to me with a silent, unheard voice that was so clear it hurt.
“Get up. It’s time for you to see our queen for possibly the last time.” He says to me. I look up and gasp, but don’t say anything. This moment is the one I’ve been dreading. Nothing says you're gonna die quite like the words “last time” at the end of a nonexistent sentence. He continues to yell at me, as I remain shy.
“I said get up, you stupid brat!” the spiked demon says. He comes up to me and raises his hoof. As I look up at it, it comes down with a hateful slam. My head hurts now as it bleeds. I bleed not externally, but internally. My mind is rejecting that this is happening, crying itself to insanity.
He forcefully grabs my hoof and hands the other one to a nearby guard. He tells him to “cuff her”. My hooves are violently hoof-cuffed together as they start carrying me down the hall. The walls stare depressed at me. The mounted heads on the royal hallway stare with their large eyes at me, yet they do not see anything. The one dimensional heads stray away from me as I am carried down the hall. I am being bombarded with blind eyes and deaf ears. The entry to hell was not far up the hall, and I was unprepared for the devastation that the world I only know of will see. The void to hell opens as the ferrymen without a boat bow before the devil herself. A misplaced soul lay in front of the devil as I am placed in front of it. The eyes of tomorrow retreat their helpful hand as I fail to reach it and begin to fall endlessly into eternal suffering. The devil looks down at me and squints angrily, like a spider to a webbed fly.
“Sillithus. You have failed to perform your duties as a changeling your entire life.” The devil began. Each word was a spear injected into my heart with unreal force. The spears kept coming. “I am your Queen. You will do as I say. There is a unicorn before you.” She points down without moving her body. A helpless, doomed soul lay before me, not knowing what was going on. She is the most lifeless alive body I have ever seen with my color-blessed eyes. I look back up at the devil, and she looks down at me. A struggle for power in which I have lost before I have started. She orders me to kill her without saying a word. I put my hoof on the unicorn and stroke her corrupted mane. She squirms with agony and I flinch and take my hoof off of the cursed being. I shake my head in denial. Even if it costs me my life, I shall not destroy a life not worth destroying. The only life I wish to destroy is the one that is already dead. The devil stomps her hoof and demands entertainment of her poor slave again.
“Sillithus! Kill her!” she orders. The statues in the room laugh and point at me without moving an inch. I remain defiant. I see fire around me, and it freezes me cold in place. The hive has never been so bright. The devil sighs in disappointing joy and insultingly apologizes.
“I was hoping it wouldn’t have to come to this.” She says. I can’t defy my childhood taskmaster any longer. I brace for the spears that she is about to throw at my body.
“Sillithus.” She begins. It is all I need to hear to realize what my punishment is. I am done for, I know it.
“You have wings of a Pegasus, eyes of a pony, magic of a unicorn, mane of an outsider, and the attitude of a friendly creature, yet you possess all of the powers of us, and a body rounded to fit the shape of us. I do not know your origin, and you do not know your origin. You are too different from us and we cannot find your place in this hive. You do not belong here. Therefore…” She pauses, as if taunting me. I am insulted, but at the same time thankful. An emotion that is quite new to me, yet I am scared to know what comes next. The devil opens her eyes once more and continues her message. “Therefore you are banned from this hive. You will forever learn to live on your own.”
I expected her to say death, however hearing this, I am even more scared than before. I’ve never even seen what I’m going up against, which is basic life! I act calm and collected, yet I am quite the opposite. I’m now doomed to a life where nobody will accept me. A life where nobody will love me. A life where Heaven’s hand strays away from my heart, forever casting me into poverty. I cannot survive this, yet I must, and there is nobody and nothing to help me along. I look around, seeing nothing but a bright green lamp and demons. The lamp is the brightest thing I have ever seen in my life, yet it is what makes the room darker than the color black itself.
I’m scared, watching as blue-eyed monsters walk up to me, three of them. One is holding a black object, but the light ejecting from it is making it too hard to see. They are getting closer, and as they do light feeds the dark mouth of Hell, cancelling out the green lamp. The darkness of the object the demon is holding is blinding me, making me squint. They now surround me, and I cannot think. My heart is panting, running for its life and my brain cannot process the situation. My eyes can no longer see through the blinding light, but I can feel the demons grabbing my arms. I can’t speak, but I want to. Suddenly, it all ends. The light flashes between white and black for milliseconds, and then stays black. I can no longer feel or hear.
What am I? I’m a monster, that’s what I am. A monster with no hope, no love, no affection. I’ve been this way since I was a child. I’m an outcast upon outcasts now. I am now being thrown out of my only home I know. I don’t know where I am, maybe not even out of Hell yet, but it all feels foreign now. I’m in a dark tunnel, and there is no exit but the unbreakable window behind me. A bright green light hits my eyes, and it hurts. I can’t turn back and I can’t move forward. Here I am, getting thrown into life with a hard shove, and it’s going to inevitably shove back, and shove back hard.
Am I conscious? I don’t know anymore. Who knows, it could all be just a simple dream. My reality is my dream, yet my dreams are dreams. Reality is broken and unfixable by even the greatest engineer of the mind. I’m looking around me and I’m seeing things. I’m unsure what they are, and what they are doing. Their arms are still, yet they make all the sound in the world. A fan is blowing in my face softly from a distance of which I cannot see it. The grounded tape sticks to me like an urchin, and I cannot get it all off. Green is all around me, but it’s not the green of the lamp, rather a new, quiet green that I cannot comprehend. Why am I crying? I do not know for sure, but something is making me sad. Am I scared of these new beings? My mind cannot decide, but my exterior body has already.
Of course! I’m scared that someone may find me! But why would I be scared of that? I’m alone in the darkness, looking up at the red dome above me. It fades into a lighter black, where I can see. What is that? It’s so dark I must squint to see it. A warm, indefinable box is coming up over the line, and I am more scared than I have ever been.
The box reminds me of the innocent soul that I was told to diminish. I cannot simply stand here and dawdle! I must head off! But where in this vast new ecosystem shall I go? There are no walls, no webs, no devil, and no suffering. Someone will find me and execute me, I’m almost positive!
I must complete the only process I was taught correctly. I’m concentrating, and my head begins to hurt. After a colorless flash and a quiet electronical-like sound, I open my eyes. I am no different, but I feel different. My heart complains of my action as my brain argues its case to it. It keeps telling my heart “This is the right thing, this is the right thing”. I sure hope it’s correct.
I look at myself and I see an impostor. What a horrible feeling I have in my heart right now. I don’t understand life. Why is it so cruel to me? I find no satisfaction, no matter what I do or where I go. I’m God’s experiment and he’s watching over me, observing like a hawk. He doesn’t care about my suffering, He just wants to see how I handle it. Even God hates me, that’s how alone I am. I should be punished for stealing the image of a perfectly innocent creature. What is that on my edge? It’s on both sides! It appears to be a shining emerald, but why would it be there? So many questions, and nothing to answer them.
Walking through this place is about as friendly as being carried into that Hellhole that I lived in. I hear a scatter to my left. Turning, I see nothing but a green pile of mesh. I call out a simple “hello?” but nothing replies. I’m so nervous I can’t think. The red above me is shifting to blue, and the safe darkness starts to fade. That demon is taking away my safety! Of course, I do not know if I am safe in the first place, so that’s kind of a preposterous thing to think.
This line of tape is only what I am to assume to be a trail. I’m following it, making sounds with the tape. Some of it is sticking to me, some of it isn’t. I’m looking around, and I accidentally kick something. It rolls around with cracking sounds. I’m sweating and don’t know what to do. I creep up to it, my legs shaking. It doesn’t move. I put my hoof up to it once again and touch it. It still doesn’t move. A lightly flick it, making it move another couple inches across the brown tape. I squeal lightly and flinch backward, sliding across the tape as it takes a brush and paints my hooves to its favorite color. How do I avoid this thing? Will it kill me? Is it alive?
I run toward it as it sits still in place. I gather all the strength in my legs and jump over it. I quickly glance back. It sits there, staring at me with no eyes. I sigh in relief only to see another one not too far ahead. Godammit.
I now notice that I am completely exposed by the red devil in the sky. It’s peering over at me, the light of God peering into my soul. I don’t want this! Leave me alone!! I think to myself. I want to hide, but where to go? Nothing but strange creatures left and right. Are they all alive? Do they feel emotion or speak? I’ve tried talking and there’s no response. There’s no more options, though! I need to get away from that light-filled subject-stalker as fast as I can. Not knowing where I am going, I leap left into a green creature.
“I’m so sorry, I can’t get away from that thing up there. I apologize for bumping into you.” I say to the green creature. No response I can understand comes from it, rather a strange rustling sound. Was it attempting to communicate? How should I know? I’m an alien to these creatures. After realizing that it’s responses were just me answering myself every time I moved, I decide that it is not filled with life, such as the still creature I kicked. If something lives, it has to be able to communicate, correct? Bah, what do I know. I’ve been locked up in a hive for almost all of my life.
The red devil is still in sight and I continue to head whatever direction I am going. I am being bombarded with swords from the tape below me. These swords do not hurt, rather tickle me. Quite intriguing, if I do say so myself. I just hope that me stepping on them is not hurting them in any way, if they so happen to possess life. A harsh current of air hits my face again, most likely from the fan that I cannot see off in the distance. The air whistles through the swords and green giants with a brown body. Everything in this world is so diverse, even the giants look different in some ways. They have more arms than the other, or their hairs look different. None of them are able to move on their own, according to what I have noticed so far.
Oh? What’s this little thing on the ground? It’s… It’s moving! I take a step back and observe it for a minute. I edge closer and closer to it. It moves off needles sticking out of its body. It almost looks like the ADHD pills I always used to take in the morning during middle school. I very gently bring my hoof near it. It’s still moving about, minding its own business. I poke it gently with the tip of my hoof and it rolls up into a ball, as if retreating into a base.
“Oh! I’m sorry!” I gasp as I cover my mouth with my hoof in shame. I’ve scared something that could be my end. “Umm… I- I’ll just leave you be!” I say, trying to comfort the mini-fortress animal. It’s probably just me going insane. But one thing is for sure, I hear humming from somewhere not too far, and that’s not my imagination. Do I go investigate the humming? Who or whatever is humming has quite the beautiful voice if I do say so myself. “Curiosity killed the cat”, the saying goes. Something, however, is making me drawn to the music. I don’t know what it is, but my heart is telling me to go, and I always trust my heart over my brain… well… almost always.
As I get closer to the music, it gets louder and louder. However, the eyes of the giants are watching my every move, and I’m scared to get too close. However, my heart is saying there isn’t a too close. This is making me scared… again. I see the rays of the red devil up ahead yet again. The singing is coming from that opening, but how do I confront it? I must just get a tad closer, just to see what it’s coming from. I’m low on the ground, the tape is on my side, softening my hoof-steps. I come up on another green, shaky ball and peer through it. I can barely see anything, but I can make out an image of the scene. This picture that I look at, for some reason, is the most beautiful thing my eyes have ever seen.
I do not understand what beauty I am witnessing. I know the figure, of course. She’s a unicorn, anyone with a brain could figure that out. But the majesty of her appearance within these creatures, still unknown to me, is arousing. I cannot explain her in full detail if I tried. I can explain her appearance perfectly, but the joy that fills her is something I have just for the first time witnessed. My eyes are watering at this sight, unable to take it. Has happiness finally reached my black heart? I see that the giants smile at me with warmth in their hearts, wherever they may be. The swords below me whistle in joy again as the flowing air points them toward my body. I look back up at the unicorn, and she is reading a book. The first inanimate object I am able to recognize is the book. She is sitting in a seat of some sort. She’s pushing on the ground with her hoof and the object she sits on sways back and forth, cradling her as if she were an infant. I do not know the song she is humming, but it makes my ears relax and lie low. What a beautiful sound she makes. Why? Why can’t that be me?
I realize my presence is not welcome here, so I attempt to leave. I turn around and step on a fallen giant hair. The dead hair makes a bang in the silence and the humming stops. Have I doomed myself? I know she knows I’m here. My heart is racing again. Another being is now going to find me out and hate me. A squeak comes from the rocking object, and a gentle sound of a book closing reaches my ears. I hide behind a giant, who protects me proudly, without a word.
“Hello? Anyone there?” She calls. Even her normal voice is enough to sway me away from my thoughts. I wonder if this is what… No! She’s after me! Pay attention, you monster!
“I- If anyone’s there, don’t be afraid! I’m… I’m a nice person!” She yells. I hear crunching coming my way. She’s stepping on the fallen hairs of the giant! For some reason, the tree behind me is full of green. Not just any green, but Hell’s lamp green. I hear her on the other side of the giant. I’m doomed. There’s no way out of this. Time for another persecution and/or harassment to remember throughout my life and mourn every night over it, as if I don’t have enough of those at hand already. I pull my hoof up the giant, only to hear a slight scraping sound. I’ve given up now. I’m a dead changeling.
“Hmm. I know you’re behind this…” She begins. Her tone makes me think she is going to end the sentence with whatever name is given to the giant behind me. My heart settles down as it knows it is the end. “…Tree!” She ends. She blinks and raises her eyebrows as I flinch and fly backward into the swords. The swords know my pain and are now comforting my body as much as they can. Life here is much more nicer than anything in the hive. She stares at me with a smug look as I cry myself insane on the inside. I’m breathing heavily, with almost every breath sounding like a gasp. I’m praying that unicorns are not as hostile as the changelings are. The red devil again shines in my face, through the cracks just to see what will happen. The unicorn chuckles before me.
“Ahaha! I knew it! I’m such a rogue. So! Why ya stalkin’ me?” She asks me. Stalkin’? Such crude language, but I can understand just fine. I’ve never held many conversations with others, so I don’t know how to properly complete this small section of my life.
“Stalking? Oh, I sincerely apologize, for that wasn’t my intention at all! I hope I haven’t disturbed your day in any sort of prize manner…” I respond. How do I do this!? This is harder than expected. Social conversations were never really my strong point. The unicorn responded with a sound I can only describe as “tch”, yet I do not know what it means.
“You talk fancy! Where are you from, girl?” She asks me. She’s obviously a young woman from a small town, where language education may be scarce. But either way, she’s stumped me. I can’t lie here, she won’t believe me, but I can’t tell her I’m from the hive! I just have to say…
“I… I don’t know.” … What? What else could I say? I am unaware of the location I am in, what I am doing, or what even these small swords are!
The unicorn’s eyebrow lifted. “…Ya don’t know? Do ya know your name?” She asks me. I finally get up. I can’t answer “Sillithus”, because that would be skeptical. I can think of a name quick. Uhh… this… tattoo like thing on my late side, it’s an emerald with light piercing out of it. Name… Name… Aha! The only thing I can think of in seven seconds.
“Uhh… Emerald Ray.” I answer, sweating. She’s looking at me like I don’t have a clue about any situation that has ever occurred to me throughout my life… and she’s right.
“Good, you know your name. I’m Colgate. You seem to have a bit of… amnesia, maybe?” She asks. I can’t make up anything here. I just have to come clean and lay down the facts… well… most of them.
“Not at all, actually. I’ve lived in a… uhh… cave all my life. I don’t really know where I’m from. I am an outcast of the natives that live in the cave.” I explain. I am so nervous that my heart may explode. The red devil turns on the moment and the giants stop speaking. The swords are no longer clashing, and the world has stopped spinning. Colgate seemed in somewhat disbelief.
“An outcast? Of cave people? Are you sure you weren’t just trying to hit on me?” she asks. Now that I didn’t understand.
“ ‘Hit on me’? I don’t follow.” I say. She rolls her eyes at me and sighs with impatience. I’m well aware she does not necessarily like me currently.
“Y’know, when ya hit on someone ya like? Try to get your special someone’s attention?” She elaborates. I’m so struck with surprise I flinch in all the anger and nervousness my poor heart can muster without disintegrating.
“Oh, Hell no! I am banished from my home for not following the orders of my ridiculous people and now everything is foreign. I am unaware of what these sword like things are, what those brown giants are, or what this round-ish, hard thing is. I came over here simply because I heard someone delightfully humming a tune and I wished to find out who it was. You have a very nice voice, might I say as well.” I said… wait. Did I really just say that? I’m doomed even more now! She’s going to think I’m strange. The giants move once again and cover their eyes with their arms.
“Aww, I’m flattered! But seriously, you don’t know what a ROCK is? I thought you lived in cave!” She said in only what I am to assume to be a frustrated manner. I don’t know about these “rocks”.
“Oh, are those quite common in caves? I am unaware of most common information. In my old “home” if you could call it one, we were only taught mathematics and literature.” I say to her. She shrugs and rolls her eyes… again. Why do I make everyone I talk to angry at me? Is my life meant to be this painfull?
“Well, that’s obvious. So, why are you banished again? That really sucks by the way.” She crudely says. Her language is so foreign and her attitude as well. I’ve never encountered a being with such an upbeat style of thinking.
“I… well…” I begin softly. I sigh with defeat and give her the truth. “Well, intruders of our people are killed by us. Yes, we are that brutal. I… I refused to follow the Quee-“ I stop myself before I figure out what I was going to say. “Excuse me, leader’s orders to kill an intruder. I was kicked out of the cave, and now I am alone. I’ve been alone for a long time. Nobody ever liked me, and nobody ever will. It’s just how my life rolls out on itself.” I explain with depression spelled all over my face. She gasps at me with fear.
“That’s… that’s horrible!” She exclaims. I knew she would think of me this way. What is she going to do now, run away like the rest of the people that confront me?
“I know. I’m a monster.” I say, turning my head. I don’t think she wants to see my face. I won’t let her.
“No, not that!” She says angrily. “Nobody’s ever liked you!? That’s a horrible thing to live through! Sure you’re weird, but you’re nice! Why wouldn’t anyone ever like you?” She asks me in impatience. Not exactly the response I was expecting, but I’ll roll with it. The lamp green light from the back of the tree is fading, and the red devil comes out once again. Has God decided that it’s not embarrassing enough to look away? Either way, it’s insulting.
“That’s the point.” I say frustratingly to her. “My people are mean torturers. I’m not one of them. Trust me, if you knew the real me, you wouldn’t poke me with a stick, and no I’m not telling you what the real me is like.” I turn my head away angrily, but strangely, also filled with affection. I… I can’t explain it simply.
“I don’t care! I like you! You’re a swell girl! You have just been… denied a real life, or something like that.” She says to me. That’s confusing; “denied a real life”? What does she mean by that?
“You don’t have a home, do you?” She asks me. I don’t know why she asks me this because she knows the answer, but whatever. I reply with a shake and a simple “no”.
“Then you’re living with me for now. Come on.” She curls her hoof in a expression that I cannot define as of yet. She’s a very… wait… did she just demand me to LIVE WITH HER? What madness has consumed her?
“E… Excuse me!? You would just… take me in!?” I exclaim. This is not happening. This must be a dream! The wonderful voice that I followed now wants me to sing with her. If only she knew that I can’t sing, she would abandon me.
“Yeah! No pony deserves your fate! I have yet something important to do with my life, and I think I’ve found that important thing. I can… oh! I can teach you all about our culture and everything you want or need to know, too! YES! I can finally feel important!” She chants. The blue unicorn is jumping up and down, dancing. Is this what it feels like to be happy? Is this what it feels like to have… a friend? It’s a feeling that is indescribable, yet does not need to be described. For some reason, I’m interested and want to learn more. The red angel on the dome’s outer shell brought our souls together, and I intend to investigate the reason why. I just hope the monster within does not soil this lifetime opportunity.
I look down, smiling. The being I now understand only to be a “rock” is smiling gracefully at me. I’m bombarding her with questions on the trail of tape, which I now am able to call “dirt”. The angel in the sky, apparently called the “sun” shines in our faces as the “wind” blows through the “trees” and “bushes”. I’ve learned so much and there is still so much to learn! A world which I thought is my nightmare turns out to by my true reality, and it’s beautiful. It’s almost as beautiful as Colgate, the voice of the heavens, doing everything in her power to fix my horrible life. God now smiles down upon me, his light green plan going perfectly.
For the first time in my life, I'm happy.
