Chapters

Prologue: The Thing at the Place
Chapter 1: The Least Intelligent Night Ever
Post Chapter 1: A Beer in the Hoof (50% complete)

Prologue: The Thing at the Place
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Twilight's Legendary Quest for Vodka

Prologue: The Thing at the Place

A lavender unicorn sat alone in her study, deeply immersed in the wonderfully fascinating world of whatever it was she was doing at the time. It certainly wasn’t going to get her anywhere in life. Nopony would ever have a use for something like that. It didn’t really matter anyway, because a small purple lizard barreled through the door, almost shattering its hinges, leaving (dis)organized magical study documents scattered in his wake and vomiting a small scroll with a ribbon attached.

“Twilight, come quick! Something's happening!” He left, excited, or terrified, the same way he came, apparently not noticing the letter he involuntarily threw up. Twilight opened up the letter with her magic, examining it.

"Hey. I'm stuck. Come up to Canterlot. Bring somepony tough because these overpowering thugs are really annoying." The letters were written scrappily and lazily. The loops were wide and badly-drawn. Yep, definitely Celestia.

“Huh?” Twilight asked, completely forgetting that thing which she was doing before. She exited her library, only stopping to let escape a primal vocalisation of her anger at not being able to remember what she was just doing. Having her thoughts torn apart and re-digested to the point when she no longer believed she was even thinking, she collapsed, unable to comprehend how somepony as smart as her could possibly forget something she was just doing. She chalked it up to Spike distracting her.

* * *

“Come on, Twilight! Before it's too late!” Spike shouted, in what he thought was Twilight’s general direction, from the center of town. It was irrelevant, as he was holding a microphone to his reptilian lips at the time.

“What do you want?” Twilight inquired as she approached Spike.

“Just… just l-look up.” Spike trembled in his place, not daring to look at whatever it was toward which he was indicating.

Subconsciously, she did as she was directed. She felt her stomach drop at the sight of the massive hunk of blazing, porous stone hurtling toward her at, seemingly, the speed of sound. It was huge! From that speed and apparent size, it must have been hundreds of miles wide. It was also quite far away, still. Yep, I'm still the smart one. She felt herself let go of a breath she had not consciously realised she had been holding. Trotting over to Spike, she conveyed an important message.

“Spike, I want you to go and send Applejack to me. Be quick. Don't mess up. This is really important. Don't ask any questions, because I probably won't be able to answer them.”

“Yes, Twilight Sparkle... ma'am?” Spike affirmed vehemently, raising his purple claw to salute valiantly. He spun around to bear on the direction of Sweet Apple Acres. "I'll be right back!" He shot off at, probably, one of his best running speeds yet. Twilight had never seen him move so quickly. “I can’t disappoint Twilight! I just can’t!” Spike shouted at himself, fearing for his life or anything else that may be at stake if he would somehow screw this up.

Several minutes later, arriving at the door of the house at Sweet Apple Acres, he knocked. The door opened and a familiar face answered. Applejack. "Howdy, Spike! What're you here for?"

"Twilight sent me to come get you. She told me I couldn't mess up."

"Huh. That sounds really important."

"That's exactly what Twilight said! She even used italics! Come on, she said to be quick!"

"All right, all right!" Applejack stepped through the front door, closing it behind her. As the dragon started running back, she decided it would be best for both of them if she was close behind him, so she pushed hard off the ground and galloped up beside him.

"So, Spike. You say she said this is really important? What's it about?"

"I don't know," he replied honestly.

"Oh, righty then. Did she say anythin' at all?"

"She told me not to ask, so I didn't."

"Hm. I hope it's not bad. That seems to happen a lot in this country." Applejack had a distinct look of concern on her face.

"I know, right? But yeah, I think it is. There's a giant meteor coming straight at us. Look up there." Spike pointed a claw in the direction of the meteor, or asteroid, as Twilight had called it, and the orange farm pony did so.

"Oh, boy. Ain't this excitin'. Ah! There she is, Spike!" Twilight was standing in the exact same position, staring into the huge rock, as if trying to figure out exactly what was going on. As Applejack approached Twilight, she asked, "What's goin' on, Twi?"

"Hmmm... HMMMM... *HHRRRRRRMMMMMM...***"

"Um... Twi?"

"Nope. I've got nothing. All I know is we need to get moving and go to Canterlot. Now. Just you and me. And Spike."

"Why me?"

"You'll see when we get there. Celestia said she needs somepony physically strong. Someone's in the palace."

"Uh oh! We'd better get movin', lickety-split!"

"Yeah, that's exactly what I just said," Twilight reminded Applejack as she noticed a train arriving at the station only twenty metres away. What a strange place to have a train station, she thought. "Looks like the train is just on time." Applejack nodded. She and Spike followed Twilight to the oddly convenient station.

* * *

"I really hope the princess isn't in trouble. What if she's not there when we get there?"

"Don't worry, AJ, she can handle herself just fine."

"But... what if she's..."

"No. Don't think that way."

"But—"

"Stop it, AJ! She'll be fine. Trust me. Who is Celestia's number one student here?"

"Yeah... I'm just... worried is all."

"That's fine, but don't let it ruin your mood. We're almost there, anyway." Twilight was looking out of the train's window as they arrived at Canterlot Station. The streets were completely deserted. "Huh... that's weird."

"I know!" Spike interjected. "There are usually ponies everywhere! What's going on, Twilight?" He was panicking.

"SPIKE!" Twilight slapped him across the face with a hoof, trying to stop his streak of panic. "Calm down, Spike!"

"Wh-what? OH! Right, yeah, I should probably... calm down..." He visibly settled and his speech smoothed. "Thanks, Twi."

"I'm always here for you, Spike." She nuzzled him, bringing a smile to his face, but they were running out of time. "The train stopped, let's get to the palace as quick as we can!"

The trio left the vehicle in a hurry to get to the palace. A window on a building near the station, Joe's donut shop, had been smashed. "We'd better hurry," Twilight urged. They quickened their pace slightly and noticed some more damaged properties, which only made them run faster. The image of the legendary palace began to come into sight over a cobblestone bridge. It seemed to have some light stains which weren't there the last time Twilight had crossed it. A flash of red was visible to the side for a split-second, then whatever — or whoever— was there, was suddenly gone.

They finally reached the large front door of the palace, immediately noticing some words written on it in bold black paint. "T-O-O-S-L-O-W. Too slow? What in the hay does that mean?" Forgetting it, Applejack bucked open the door with all her might and allowed the three access to the, slightly less majestic than usual, building. "Twilight, something's wrong. I can feel it."

"I know, me too. Spike and Applejack, you had better stay back. There might be something terrible in the next room." They quietly approached the door to Celestia's grand hall. One step at a time. "Stop." Spike and Applejack immediately ceased movement.

"Twilight, are you sure that's—" Applejack started.

Twilight was already right in front of a crack between the great doors. She concentrated on the handles, her horn glowed brightly and the doors were enveloped in her magic, throwing them apart with such force that they almost cracked the walls holding them.

"Stop right there! What—" The room was empty. No monsters. No Celestia. Something was wrong.

Applejack leapt around the corner to look. "Oh no! She's gone! What are we gonna do now!"

"I... I don't know. Wait. A note!" Twilight noticed a small piece of parchment guarding the throne of the Sun Princess. She teleported over to examine it and began to read.

"Twilight, why are you taking so long? I'm trying to write while these thugs are restraining me. They've disabled my horn. I don't know why they're doing this, but you'll probably need to get to the Elements of—" The rest of the message had been torn off. It looked like someone — or something — had done it on purpose.

"Oh no... the princess is gone! We have to find the Elements of Harmony!"

"Dagnabbit! This? Again?! Okay, fine. Where do we start now?"

"We start at Canterlot Tower. That's where the Elements are."

"Well, that would have been only a few seconds' walk, but since we took twenty seconds to talk, we must have subconsciously made our way there anyway," Applejack stated as the other two realised she was correct, and they were currently standing right next to the door, which was wide open, that connected the main room to the shelf which contained the Elements of Harmony. Of course, the Elements were gone. Applejack sighed.

"Come on! Get close to me. We're going back to Ponyville," Twilight ordered. Spike and Applejack did exactly as she asked and closed their eyes.

* * *

In a flash of blinding violet light, the group found themselves laying on the muddy ground outside the mighty Everfree. Spike was completely covered in mud and leaves by the time they were all standing. "Awwww. I hate mud."

"Whoa, Twi. Cuttin' it a bit close there, don't ya think?" Applejack asked, and despite the question's rhetorical nature, Twilight responded directly.

"Yeah, I guess. What the..."

"What?"

"Look." She pointed a hoof at the town of Ponyville, above which a massive, metal cube was hovering. She noticed that the asteroid was no longer there.

"What is it?"

"Do I look like I have a clue, Applejack? But seriously, we need to find out what's going on here." Twilight started towards the town, her two team members following closely behind her. On the outskirts of the town, ponies were slamming doors and closing their curtains, hiding from the and the cube. A minty green mare outside seemed to be relatively calm, as if accepting that they were all going to die horribly, somehow. Twilight took the chance to ask what was happening.

"Hi, Lyra. What, exactly, is going on here?"

"I don't know. After we saw that big rock, something weird started happening. This cube kinda just showed up out of nowhere," she responded. Twilight continued toward the cube.

In the center of town, ponies were collapsing and staring in horror at the ominous cube above their doomed village, with a little bit of confusion. Spike arrived, screaming at the thing to go away. He knew it was of no use, but it was all he could do not to lose his sanity. If he didn't, fear would take hold and he wouldn't be able to help Twilight with whatever important mission she had planned.

Soon after, the massive steel cube shifted slightly, then slammed into the beloved statue of Princess Celestia in the center of town, almost in slow motion. First, snapping the stone in the neck, then cracking the four legs. The cube didn't slow, pulverizing the statue and sending a shockwave of air and crushed rock into the faces of everypony within a couple of dozen metres.

The citizens of Ponyville stared at the giant cube for what almost felt like centuries, while nothing happened. Then, something was different. Strange symbols began to glow on all five visible faces of the cube. A loud shrieking sound cut through the intense silence, causing some ponies to collapse and clutch their temples with their hooves, screaming. A strange, orange, glowing wind seemed to flow out of the symbols, appearing to gravitate toward the nearest ponies in the vicinity. The glow intensified. A tall, shadowy figure seemed to block out some of the light of the cube.

“I’M BAAAAAAACK!”

What? Was that letter just a distraction?

“Who are you and what are you doing here?!” Twilight shouted. The dark figure shifted slightly, letting out an echoing laugh.

“You mean you don’t recognize me? Oh, how foolish of me it was to assume that you would, with your clearly limited intelligence.” he replied. Twilight growled in return. He simply moved through the air, as if flowing with it. Stopping on the top of the ancient cube, he allowed it to begin to form cracks, which started spewing out rainbow coloured goo and fireworks all over the ponies, turning them into toasters. Giant flowers with big teeth grew from the tops of all of the little houses in the area. The glowing symbols disappeared in a white flash to reveal the draconequus standing atop it. “How about now?”

Twilight simply gaped, then shouted back: “How... how did you get back?!”

“Oh, my little pony. Isn’t it obvious?” Discord asked. There was a simple silence for a few moments until Discord finally broke it. “Well? Are you stumped or what?”

"I... don't know. I don't... we imprisoned you!"

“Well, now! I can see you're confused, but I don't care. Let’s get right to it.” Discord interjected. “I’m going to wreak chaos, and you’re going to deal with it.”

"No, because I know where the Elements of Harmony are!"

"Oh, the Elements of Harmony. You mean these little toys?" Discord held up a large history book which had been commonly assumed to be fiction. Inside it, were all 6 Elements. Twilight gasped. "I learned my own lesson from last time. Don't put them all in one place."

“Oh yeah? Well I can still get rid of you! This time, my spell's going to work!” Twilight countered.

Discord yawned. “I can see you’re quite confident, but that’s exactly what you said last time. Go ahead. Do your worst.”

Twilight simply nodded, scrunching up her eyelids in concentration. Her horn started glowing, sparks flying off it. She let out a fierce war cry and a massive explosion of rainbow light radiated outwards from her horn, bathing Ponyville in it. Discord screamed in pain until his physical form just shattered. Tiny sparkling fragments of his former body were pulled away in a light breeze.

Twilight had won.

A smile slowly grew on her face as she realised her magic could rival the Elements of Harmony. "Haha! YES! I really thought that wouldn't work!"

"Whoa, nice one, Twilight!" Spike cheered.

"Yee-haw! Not bad at all, Twilight!"

"OH, *WHAHAHAHA!* This is rich. I'm going to put this on the internet right now." Discord reappeared in another flash, looking smug. He conjured a laptop out of thin air, seemingly of Sony branding. He hit a bunch of keys, hit enter and then clapped the laptop into nothing with his hands.

"The... what? It didn't work? But I fixed what was wrong with the first fail-safe spell! Why didn't it work?" Twilight asked in desperation. "This isn't fair!"

"Life is unfair. You should get used to it." Discord yawned.

"Shut up! You shouldn't even be here! What's going on?!" Twilight snapped. "So, Discord. How are we supposed to beat you this time?" she asked directly.

"Well, I thought I'd mess with you a bit more, this time," Discord replied nonchalantly. "Hmm... how about... right! Now, listen closely or you won't get your precious little town back from all this delicious chaos. Again. A brew from the bloom of Solanum tuberosum. Shall you not have it, you can forget it."

"You and your stupid riddles..."

"Work it out before day's end and you will keep your memory of the puzzle. You know what that means," Discord warned. "MuahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA*HAHAHAAAAAA!*" he echoed, vanishing to leave Twilight to her impossible challenge.

"Come on, guys. Let's go home."

* * *

Twilight and her entourage had arrived back at a giant tree with lots of books in it. It was probably where she lived. "Now, you two! Look through my collection and see if you can find a book on potatoes," Twilight commanded, scaring the dragon and the orange pony into working. They weren't at it long, about twenty-five seconds by Twilight's count, before she stopped them. "Stop! I think I found the book right here," she notified, examining the cover of the tome. "The Elements of Potato: A Reference Guide. It was under 'P'. You think I wouldn't learn to pay attention from the last time?"

"Eeyup! That sounds like the right one, Twilight! Let's take a look at it right now!" Applejack snorted. The entire group seemed to know the scientific name of potatoes off by heart. How odd.

"Good," Twilight said, turning back to the large, encyclopedic book in front of her. She turned to the contents page with her telekinesis. "Now... let's see... brews, page 1482. Wow, that's only at 'B'. How many pages does this thing have?" She turned to the last page, looking closely at the bottom-left corner. "Wow, I've never seen that number before. Well, on to business! Page 1482... yes. Brews. Potato beer... eh, never heard of it. Vodka. Vodka! That's it! What normal pony hasn't heard of vodka?!" Twilight exclaimed, looking quite pleased with herself. "Oh. There are seven Elements of Potato. Only six are known. Vadko, Vokda, Ovkda, Dokva, Odkav and Akdov. The seventh is a complete mystery. It is said that the last known location of the Elements was in Sweet Apple Acres, in a metal box under Applejack's house. Huh. That's weird. Why would the book say that?"

"Let's just get this over with." Applejack accepted, knowing she had no choice. Twilight was going to tear her house apart.

"You realise I'm going to have to tear your house apart, don't you, AJ?"

"I guess so. Just hurry up."

"Then, let us begin our quest for Vodka!" Twilight cheered, the grin quickly slipping off her face when she saw Applejack's rage-contorted muzzle.

"Why, you—"

* * *

"Applejack, we're here. You might want to block your ears." Twilight warned. "You wouldn't want to hear this, would you? Your entire living space being destroyed without any hope of defense?"

"Well, now that you put it that way... NOPE!" Applejack replied, forcing her eyes shut and shoving her hooves over her ears as if her life depended on it. "I'm just... f-f-fine like this."

"All right, then." Twilight looked at the massive building centering the farm, eager to get started. She began by focusing her attention on the large, wooden posts supporting the outer corners of the monolithic structure. "Right... right... break the bonds, weaken the whole."

"Uhhh... how long is this going to take? All this waiting is kinda freakin' me out," Applejack interjected.

Twilight didn't notice Applejack's question, and had rendered the giant plywood polyhedron susceptible to immediate obliteration via tapping it with a hoof. Yes, it was made of plywood. "All right... now for the roof." Her horn flared, sending a wave of violet energy toward the roof of the precious space, lacerating its roof and allowing all of the dirt and bird droppings on top to begin sliding on through the cracks.

"Can you please just do it already?!" Applejack pleaded.

"Of course. Just first, I have to get rid of this giant door on the end."

"Giant... door?" Applejack's eyes shot open, allowing her to witness the massive gate of the barn being cracked and crushed. A multicoloured blur shot down from the sky, impacting the ground beside Twilight and sending a large plume of dust into the air.

"Hey! Aww, come on! I spent hours rebuilding that! What are you doing?!" Rainbow Dash claimed in a slightly-higher-than-normal pitched voice.

"Nearly done..." The barn exploded in purple. Shards of glowing wood shot out from the source of the explosion, showing the ponies with splinters. Luckily, they had thick skin.

Applejack bristled. "Twilight, you just destroyed the BARN!" Twilight had, indeed, just destroyed the barn.

Twilight's face was graced by a look of abject shock as she realised she had just destroyed the wrong building. "You... I thought..."

"No! That was completely unnecessary!"

"Well, the treasure is still under your house. Oh no... I'm sorry, AJ," Twilight stated, leaving her friend to gape in shock.

"Get on with it, you incompetent moron!"

"Um... yeah. Now that I think about it, does your house have a cellar?"

"Uh, yeah! Oh my... wait... you didn't even need to destroy the house?! Why, of all the—"

"I'm so sorry! Sorry, Applejack! Let's just... go to the cellar!"

"Fine," Applejack said simply, radiating an air of hostility. "Granny, Apple Bloom and Big Mac are gonna be mad at me for lettin' you do this!"

"Well, I'll vouch for you," Twilight assured as she swung open the door of the cellar in the ground.

Inside, shiny, black, square surface was embedded in the wall. Twilight went over to investigate. "Hmm... let's see. What happens if I push down on it?" she asked, pressing on the highlighted section. It clicked and popped open, revealing a small scroll. "Aha!"

"Huh, that's weird. We never noticed that thing before. Assumed it was nothin'."

Rainbow Dash piped up. "Hey, is that a map? Gimme that, I'm really good with those things; I'm a pegasus, you know?"

"Hey, wait, Twi! Didn't you say the last known location of the Elements was right here?" Applejack questioned.

"Elements? You mean, like, Elements of Harmony? Aren't those in your house? I can—" Rainbow was cut off by Twilight.

"Not this time, Dash. We're looking for the Elements of Potato. A set of mysterious bottles of alcoholic beverages passed down through the ages. I told AJ and Spike here already: Six are known, one is not. Oh look, the image on the map is moving!" Twilight said, staring the the strange map. "It's saying to go to Discord. And AJ? I said: the last known location was here, not the Elements."

* * *

"You say you want me to magicize all up on this little paper here? Fine. You solved the puzzle. You'll soon find it's nothing compared to what you will have to face in the coming days. Or weeks. Or months. Or years... You know what? We'll see if you even last one day." He snapped his lion-paw fingers, making the map glow brightly for a few seconds. "There. I did what you wanted, now leave me alone."

"Let's move!" Twilight yelled at her companions.

"Definitely! I hate Discord just as much as the next pony!" Rainbow Dash asserted, coming down from her little cloud to give a salute with her hoof.

"Oh, wait! You may want to know one more thing about that map there. You will have to come back to me every time you find an Element. You see, they are all linked, and can only be found in order, and require my super-duper awesome magic to show you, on the map, the location of the next."

"Right. Let's go find those Elements!" shouted Twilight.

"Yeah! We'll all need supplies for the trip though!" said Dash, receiving a 'and?' look from Twilight.

"But she destroyed all my stuff!"

"Rainbow, you go and get what you need. We'll meet back here in an hour. I'll let you use my stuff, AJ."

* * *

Exactly one hour later, the three ponies and one dragon arrived back at the center of town, after having collected supplies. Twilight now had a grappling hook, a large book and three healing potions. Rainbow had arrived with a box of chocolate and four power drills.

"Why are you looking at me like that? You never know when you might need four power drills!"

"Okaaaay. Well, now. Where does the map say we need to go?" Twilight looked at the map for a while, taking in every detail. "Hoofington Castle? All right. That's a fair way away. We're going to need water," she said, just as a elderly green earth pony stallion strolled past, pulling a giant cart full of bottles of water. She sidled over to him and winked. The pony turned his head, nodded, and... continued walking. "Drat! I guess we'll have to pay." 25 bottles cost 50 bits. Twilight had 50 left.

And so, the group began their trek across the Equestrian Desert, heading straight for Hoofington.

Author's Note: This chapter was almost completely rewritten. It no longer has all of that ridiculous terrible crap. If that's what you were here for, it's gone now. Sorry.

-bjshnog

Chapter 1: The Least Intelligent Night Ever
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Twilight's Legendary Quest for Vodka

Chapter 1: The Least Intelligent Night Ever

NOTE: This chapter has some parts that would be better to read if you were familiar with how battles, boss and not, in Paper Mario 2 begin. Watch some videos if you want, otherwise, it shouldn't harm the experience too much. ;)

Hoofington Valley, 5:00 PM.

The team had arrived, according to the map. It was a very open, grassy area filled with trees and small mushrooms.

"Well, the map we're here and I don't any any vodka. Let go home," Twilight complained.

"Hey, wait, wait, wait! Didn't you say it was in a castle? I say that 'cause there's one over there, in the background. And what are those weird rocks?" Rainbow Dash commented.

"I did, but now I'm I'm tired and I need to really go from all that water I did drinked yesterday."

"Um... Twilight? Are you sure it was water?"

"Of course it must have was, Rainbow. I did would fell over if wasn't it."

"Okay, sorry about this," Rainbow apologized, whacking Twilight over the head with a hoof, attempting to render her unconscious.

"Hee, what that was for for? Hm?"

"Just..." whack "...pass..." whack "...out!" Rainbow was getting panicked, worried that she might kill one of her best friends simply because she wasn't passing out. "Come... ON!" She smashed her over the head with a mighty blow, almost propelling Twilight's eyes out of her head completely. She was out cold. "Phew! I'm glad that's over."

"Now, Rainbow. What do you propose we do now if you just killed the most valuable member of the team? The only one who actually knows what we're doin'?"

"Well, if you didn't notice, I did see the castle in the background there and she didn't. Um, now that I think about it, that was probably just the alcohol. Twilight didn't know what she was doing." Rainbow Dash reluctantly boasted. "I mean, she just wanted to go home! I guess we should just go back there and get in, right?"

"Sounds like a plan!"

"Why isn't anypony paying attention to me?!" Spike interjected, feeling left out. Over the entire 36-hour trip, he was never spoken or referred to, despite his countless attempts to get a response.

"Because you're not here to be paid attention to," Rainbow Dash replied. "I'm still not over your impersonation of me."

"Come on! That's just getting old. That was over a year ago!"

"All right guys, looks like I'm the leader of this little group, at this point." Rainbow Dash flushed, trying to figure out what to say. "Let's go, I guess."

They walked about seven metres, then collided with... nothing. "What the hay?!" All three of them exclaimed at once, in unison. "There's an invisible wall there!" Applejack began punching the... nothing... with her hooves, trying to break through somehow. After realising it would not work, she rotated, preparing for a powerful buck, which, when executed, launched her across the path and into a large rock between two smaller rocks with a sun and moon symbol carved into them respectively.

"What is that...?"

"Yeah, that's what I was talking about before," Rainbow confirmed. "I think it might be a way to get to the castle."

"Heh. Yeah, right," Applejack denied. "That's a bunch of turkey lettuce. How can three rocks get us through an invisible wall?"

"Just roll with me on this, okay?"

"What do we have to do, then, RD?"

"Well, look around, I guess."

"Ugh, forget you guys. I'm going home," said Spike, who was going home. "No stopping me," he finished, having not been stopped. He was completely gone from sight a minute later.

"Gee, thanks, Spike," Rainbow Dash muttered under her breath, turning to Applejack. "We didn't need him anyway."

* * *

The group had been searching for about half an hour, finding nothing. That was, until they found something.

"Hey, AJ! I think I found something!"

"Something helpful or just shiny?" Applejack retorted.

"Helpful. Just like you're not being right now," Rainbow countered flawlessly, looking into a sewer grate. "Anyway, come over here. There's something shiny in this sewer." Applejack did as she was commanded, walking over to look into the discovered sewer.

"Rainbow, we can't get the shiny if we don't have a telekinetic-o-master pony, who is conscious, with us," Applejack mentioned casually.

"Yeah we can! Just one of us has to go into the sewer to get it. I can't go in without damaging my wings, so... that leaves you. It should be easy for you to get out, with your super jumping skills and whatnot." Rainbow flinched, expecting to be pummeled by a certain carrot-coloured earth pony, only to slowly open her eyes and realise there was no hoof flying toward her.

"No."

"Come on, AJ! You have to!"

"I. Am. Not. Going. In. A. Sewer." Applejack defied defiantly. "I have some bad memories of one o' those." She looked to the sewer, a frown on her face and a tear forming in the side of her right eye.

"If you don't go in, I will spit on you until you feel like you are in the sewer," Rainbow Dash threatened.

"I swear, I'm gonna buck you so hard upside the head when we get back home," Applejack said, smashing the grate into the sewers with her back legs. "There. I'll be right back." She hopped down into the sewers to get the helpful shiny thing.

* * *

"Ten minutes? What's taking her so long?" Rainbow Dash mumbled to herself. She should have been in and out in under a minute. She looked into the sewer, not seeing any sign of movement. "You okay in there?" She called out.

No response.

She sighed. "Welp, Twilight. I'm gonna have to leave you here for a bit. Be right back," she said to the unconscious unicorn beside her. She tucked her wings as tightly as she could to the sides of her body, crouching as she approached the hole. "Here I go!" She dove into the smelly hole. Splashing onto solid ground, she quickly surmised that Applejack had not drowned. "Well, there's that."

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"

"Applejack!" Rainbow Dash took off into the dark depths as quickly as she dared, careful not to trip on any rubble or rocks that were undoubtedly there. The sound of her hooves splashing against the floor was strangely satisfying for some unknown reason. She spotted a flash of green about twenty metres away. Applejack's eyes.

"Mmfgh!" Applejack was being held by a tall, dark slug-like creature with large, white teeth.

"What a slug! Well, no matter! I can take you; I can take anyone! Probably." She leapt into the air toward the huge slug, hooves outstretched to ram it into the ground. Her hooves connected with its mouth, knocking Applejack to the ground and letting her prepare herself for a fight alongside Rainbow Dash.

VP: 1/1

Rainbow Dash HP: 10/10 SP: 3/3

Applejack HP: 15/15 SP: 2/2

vs.

Giant Sluggo

"Hey! How come you have more Hit Points than me?" Rainbow Dash complained, much to Applejack's pleasure.

"I must just be better than you, I guess! Ha ha!" Applejack teased.

"Doesn't matter, I have more Stamina anyway." Rainbow dash proceeded to repeat her previous action, leaping at the beast, contacting its head and causing two faint star-shaped clouds to bounce off it. It seemed to recoil in pain. "Beat that, Applesmack!"

"With pleasure, Rainbow Crash!" Applejack shouted, galloping toward the monster and rearing up to buck it in the face. She did so flawlessly, executing a powerful hit which caused another two stars to be ejected at the collision point. "Haha! At least I didn't do any worse than you!"

"Yeah, yeah. Just look at the monster. It looks like it's going to attack."

The monster seemed to rear up, moving over to Rainbow Dash and slapping her in the face, which hurt quite a bit. She noticed a star falling off her face. The monster returned to its position. It seemed to be weakening, having bruises on its body in various places.

VP: 1/1

Rainbow Dash HP: 9/10 SP: 3/3

Applejack HP: 15/15 SP: 2/2

vs.

Giant Sluggo

"I'm gonna murder you! Rainbow... SMASH!" Rainbow Dash screamed as she charged at the enemy, ramming straight through its center mass and out the other side, three stars jumping off it. The monster shook, starting to make heavy breathing sounds. Rainbow Dash returned to the spot next to Applejack. "Aw yeah!"

"I'm gonna give you a run fer yer money! YEEEAAAAARRRRGGGHH!" Applejack yelled, running towards the monster before leaping into the air for a massive body slam. "Oh no! Whoops!" Applejack's body rotated in her flight, causing her to fumble her attack and only two stars to jump off the enemy. "Gah! I hate you, Rainbow Dash!"

"Hehehe, I just got lucky. It was nothin'."

Their enemy slowly moved forth before snapping its jaw onto Rainbow Dash's face and beginning to suck.

"Ow! Get off!" The beast released its grip with a massive pop, leaving Rainbow to recover, feeling weakened as three stars fell from her face. The enemy glowed briefly. It seemed to have healed from the attack.

VP: 1/1

Rainbow Dash HP: 6/10 SP: 1/3

Applejack HP: 15/15 SP: 0/2

vs.

Giant Sluggo

"You're gonna regret that, monster." Rainbow Dash took her turn again, leaping into the air for another 2 damage. The monster recoiled from the impact.

Applejack galloped to the monster and gave a buck, sending the monster sprawling on the wet ground before dissolving into a white mist. 9 small, glowing, star-shaped crystals were left on the ground. Rainbow Dash picked them up with her mouth. She was surprised when they glowed brightly and vanished.

Team: +9 Magic Points! (9)

"What were those? Did you eat 'em?!" Applejack accused.

"What? No! They kinda just... disappeared. I don't know what happened."

"Yeah, sure, sure." The pair were just about to leave when they noticed a small, sun-shaped disc laying on the ground.

"Hm. Applejack, look at this. It's a medal."

"Yeah. It sure is. It's probably what we need. You just pick it up. I wanna get outta here." Rainbow picked up the medal.

"Fine."

First, Applejack jumped out of the hole, almost effortlessly, while Rainbow Dash jumped and grabbed the edge of the hole, pulling herself out without risking her precious wings. Twilight was awake and walking around on the surface looking panicked.

"Where are you? Where are you? Where are you?" She whimpered.

"Over here, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash assured. Twilight snapped her head over and visibly relaxed. "Hey, we found this weird medal; it might be important for something." She took out the sun medal, getting a reaction from Twilight.

"Oh! I found something like that before." She pulled another medal out of her saddlebags, this one shaped like a crescent moon.

"Wait, did you find another sewer?" Applejack asked curiously.

"Sewer? No. I just had — still have — a buck of a hangover. I was stumbling around and smashed into a tree, which knocked it out." Twilight smiled sheepishly. "Sun and moon? The same as those symbols in the rock. Hmm..."

"Let's try it out, I guess. You put that one in the moon-shaped hole. I'll put this one in the sun-shaped one," Rainbow Dash suggested. Twilight agreed.

After inserting the medals, the ground seemed to shake, before the large rock in the middle just peeled away from the ground, revealing a small, octagonal platform. Rainbow Dash was the first to speak: "I guess we should stand there. It looks like there's another one over there near the castle. It's probably our only way."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Twilight derisively sneered. They nodded and stepped onto the platform, glowing white before teleporting into the background and making their way into Hoofington Castle as the sun was finally darkened by the earth.

* * *

Hoofington Castle, 6:00 PM.

The group had arrived in a large, castle-like building. Most likely a castle. Judging by the name of the building, Hoofington Castle, it was even more likely to be that. Every wall was made of a very dark solid stone, occasionally interrupted by small, arch-shaped windows. There were bars everywhere, as if it was some sort of prison when it was functioning.

"Well, that's just great. We finally make it in and I have too much of a headache to figure out where we're supposed to go. Seriously, Rainbow Dash, how did you hit me so hard?"

"I guess I just needed to do it more than anything. Besides, that hangover of yours is probably causing it. 25 bottles is enough to override anything."

"Oh... right. The hangover. I don't think they were all alcohol." Twilight turned to the side and threw up what seemed to be her entire digestive system. Literally. "Yeah, that's probably it. Now stop lecturing me."

Rainbow Dash had stopped walking about twenty metres back, shivering and sweating.

"Rainbow, come on! What's wrong?"

"I... I don't kn-know. This place just creeps me out." she continued walking — stumbling — to get back to the group.

"Eugh! What's that?"

"Relax, Twilight. It's just a... skeleton?! Oh no, run away! YYYYEEAAAAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!!" Applejack screamed, frantically trying to escape, causing part of the wall to fall and crush the entrance door.

"Applejack! It's not going to attack us! That's just stupid. It's not even alive!"

"NO! I'm sick o' this! I hate this place!" Applejack spun on the spot, preparing to buck Twilight in the face, only to meet a skeleton standing right in front of her face.

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle HP: 10/10 SP: 4/4

Applejack HP: 15/15 SP: 0/2

vs.

Skelequine

Skelequine

"Oh no. Not this again." Applejack sighed, dropping her buck to get to Twilight's side.

"What is this? And why are those people looking at us?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah, it's kinda weird. If you run inta a hostile o' some sort, you'll somehow end up on a stage like this," Applejack explained. "I dunno why these people are here, though. They creep me out. Also, if you get into one o' these, you'll find that the fightin' just automatically goes in turns. It is weird, but it doesn't feel weird for some reason. Just kinda works out."

"That's stupid — EAGH!." Twilight's head was hit by a sudden spear of pain from the hangover. Recovering, she took her first turn, charging her horn and brought it to bear on the skeleton. She fired a pink bullet, dealing 1 point of damage. "1 point?"

"Huh. Usually we do 2 points. Well, I guess we can learn something from this." Applejack charged to attack the creature, spinning and giving an enormous buck, dealing one point of damage and smashing it into bits. Two star-shaped crystals fell to the ground. "Eeyup. That's how we do it down here on the farm!"

"Applejack, we're not on a farm."

"I know. Just... never mind. You might wanna look out for that other guy there, Twilight," Applejack warned.

The bony creature immediately galloped over to the purple unicorn, stood on its hind legs, preparing for an attack. This prompted the unicorn to throw her legs over her head, partially blocking the attack. She took 2 points of damage and the skeleton returned to its place.

"Owwww... how do you get by like this?"

"I've been good enough at this game not to be in the line of fire! Hehehe," Applejack boasted.

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle HP: 8/10 SP: 4/4

Applejack HP: 15/15 SP: 0/2

vs.

Skelequine

"Well, I'm gonna take a closer look at these creatures. Gimme a sec," Twilight said as she pulled a book out of her saddlebag. "Skelequine. 2 HP, 1 DEF. These skeletal ponies like dark buildings, usually only the ones in which they were... killed? Okay, it's not that surprising. When they throw a bone, they can do 2 points of damage to any of their enemies that they choose. When using a melee attack, they can do 3 points, but only to the pony at the front."

"Helpful, Twi." Applejack used her Buck attack and took 1 point of health from her enemy.

It responded by charging Twilight, to which she responded by throwing her hooves out at the enemy just as it came down for the hit. Her hooves connected first, shattering the monster into each individual bone, before it dissolved into a white mist, leaving two star-crystals behind.

Team: +4 Magic Points! (13)

They left their little stage battle to see Rainbow Dash cowering in the corner, staring at... something. They followed her line of sight, which led them to a skeleton wearing a blue scarf. It didn't have the same glowing eyes as the other skeletons.

"Look, Twi. It has a note."

Rainbow Dash had stared at the body for so long that she had started to hallucinate, bringing up repressed memories of her father being cut down in battle and torn to pieces.

"Rainbow..."

He was fighting some giant beast. There was blood everywhere.

"Rainbow."

Her father had been thrown against the wall carelessly, in multiple bits.

"RAINBOW!"

"Huh? Twilight?"

"It says: I couldn't make it. Sorry, my dear daughter. I was so confident." A tear had begun to roll down the multicoloured pegasus' cheek. "I was too weak. There is only one thing I can tell you." Rainbow Dash was now sobbing quietly from the sudden burst of repressed memories. "It can only drink one drink. He has it in his guts; I saw him eat it. I also know that the bottle was indestructible." She was now crying openly. "He can't digest it, but another drink hides in this building somewhere. It will weaken him. I'm sure you can find it. Good luck, Reggie." Twilight now had a look of confusion on her face. "Reggie? That's not your name."

"Oh... I guess he's not my father." She sniffed. "Okay. We should probably go and find that drink."

The trio explored the castle a bit, not getting very far, because it seemed like every corner they went around got them ambushed my monster.

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 8/10     SP: 4/4

Rainbow Dash          HP: 6/10     SP: 1/3

vs.

Skelequine              HP: 2/2        DEF: 1

Skelequine              HP: 2/2        DEF: 1

"I hope this doesn't happen too often. It feels like it's going to get tedious after a while..." Twilight complained. "You look like you could use some energy. I've got your chocolate here. Take some." She levitated a piece of chocolate out of the box Rainbow Dash had given her to store when they began their journey. Rainbow Dash took it willingly, eating it and restoring her stamina and health.

"Thanks. Don't you eat any of them without my permission, though. I've got my eye on you. LITERALLY. Okay, not literally." She bent her head down and ran toward the small squadron of enemies, smashing all three apart with little resistance. "Ahh. That's where my stamina went." Six stars dropped to the ground.

Team: +6 Magic Points! (19)

At the far end of the room, there was a door with a large golden lock on it.

"I'm assuming that is a lock," Twilight assumed.

"I agree," Rainbow Dash agreed.

"Me too," Applejack conformed.

"How redundant. I suppose we will have to look for a key. Ugh, why can't this be simpler? It's not helping my stupid headache!" Twilight supposed, leading the two athletes to the next room.

"I noticed a staircase before, Twilight. Not to be a boast, but I think you should listen to me more often," Rainbow stated matter-of-factly.

"Well it's not like I can think properly now anyway, Crashie. Where's the staircase, then?"

"Back near the entrance. I'll be right back. And try to calm down; all these insults are probably making your headache worse." She took off back the way they came, searching for the staircase.

On finding it, she proceeded to ascend it, reaching an open door to a small room at the top. She entered to find a small chest in the middle of the room. Opening it, she found a key, probably the one required.

"Hey, I'm back!" Rainbow Dash panted as she returned to find a room completely packed with skeletons and an odd red one in the mix which seemed to be running away from something. Her friends! She flew overhead, trying to get a glimpse of purple or orange, to no avail. "So, hiding from me, huh? Not for long." She dive-bombed straight for the red skeleton.

"YOU MUST WANT DEATH, OTHERWISE YOU WOULD NOT HAVE COME HERE. YOU WILL GET YOUR WISH." The monster had a voice strangely reminiscent of George Takei.

Can't leave this battle!

VP: 1/1

Rainbow Dash          HP: 10/10     SP: 1/3

vs.

Skelequine              HP: 2/2        DEF: 1

Skelequine              HP: 2/2        DEF: 1

Red Bones

Skelequine              HP: 2/2        DEF: 1

Skelequine              HP: 2/2        DEF: 1

Gulp. She had no choice but to defend as best she could. She raised her hooves above her head and prepared for the attack.

The first skeleton pony threw a bone at her, deflecting and doing 1 point of damage. The second attempted to buck her, only to get a face full of hoof from Rainbow Dash, blocking the attack and dealing 1 damage to the enemy. Red Bones threw one of its red bones at Rainbow, which was blocked, doing 2 points of damage. She was getting dangerously close to being put out of the fight. The fourth enemy poorly executed a buck, doing 1 point of damage. The last attacked with another buck, which was woefully defended. Rainbow Dash took 3 points of damage, putting her at 0.

Defeated!

"HERE IS NOT A PLACE FOR THOSE WHO WISH TO LIVE."

"Rainbow!" Twilight shouted. "Rainbow, are you okay?!"

"Uuurgh..."

"You won't get away with this, Mr. Red Bony Pony Guy!"

Can't leave this battle!

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 8/10     SP: 4/4

Applejack                   HP: 15/15     SP: 0/2

vs.

Skelequine              HP: 2/2        DEF: 1

Skelequine              HP: 2/2        DEF: 1

Red Bones

Skelequine              HP: 2/2        DEF: 1

Skelequine              HP: 2/2        DEF: 1

"DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU HAVE ANY MORE OF A CHANCE? YOU HAVE NO HOPE."

"Fillies and gentlecolts, I want you to kindly laugh at this red freak when I obliterate him," Twilight requested of the suddenly-existent stage's audience. She got a crushed tin can to the face (-1 HP). "Please don't do that." Her horn glowed as a large beam of energy shot out, destroying the four weaker enemies and taking 1 point from the stronger.

"Now it's mah turn!" Applejack used her regular buck attack, which was completely absorbed by the hard bone of the enemy. She collapsed to the ground momentarily, grunting, before getting up and running back to her side of the stage. "Aw, come on! No fair."

"YOU WERE WARNED. I WILL NOT GO EASY ON YOU."

The weird skeleton hurled a bone across the stage, striking Applejack for the first time. She took 3 points of damage. Against all universal logic, it managed to throw a second bone striking her again for another 3 points of damage.

"Ouch. OUCH! OOOOOWWWWWOOOOOOWOOOWWWW!!! I WANT MY MOOOOMMYYYYY!!!!"

"I AM YOUR MOMMY."

"No you ain't! You're lyin'!"

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle HP: 7/10 SP: 2/4

Applejack HP: 9/15 SP: 0/2

vs.

Red Bones

"I guess I'd better do some research," Twilight said as she took out her effective Monster Manual. After looking through the pages a bit, she said, "Red Bones. 10 HP, 2 DEF. This guy's tough to crack! Originally, he was Applejack's mother. Heh. What do you know? Yeah, likes to hang out in dark areas, just like the other ones. Throws a pretty mean bone, dealing 3 damage per hit. He does even more with his melee attack, 4. Sometimes he can throw multiple bones."

"Aw, poop-noodles. That means all I can do is defend. I honestly have no idea why I have such a terrible level of stamina. I'm supposed to an athlete!" Applejack got ready to block some attacks.

"YOU WILL NOT BEAT ME." The red skelequine charged and smashed its hooves down on Twilight, causing 4 points of damage.

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 3/10     SP: 2/4

Applejack                   HP: 9/15      SP: 0/2

vs.

Red Bones                  HP: 9/10     DEF: 2

"There's something I probably should have told you before. Discord told me that this map has some power that can rejuvenate one and any friends they may have with them," Twilight explained.

"You mean you could've healed her before? Why didn't ya say somethin'?"

"Because, honestly, I didn't really care all that much. She knocked me out. Doesn't matter now." She held up the map in her magic, it glowed brightly and several streams of blue and red light flowed into the team, healing them and restoring their stamina by 5 points.

"Fine," Applejack said bluntly, turning to the red skeleton. "Applebomb!" She charged halfway to the Red Bones, then leapt into the air and slammed down on top of it, dealing 4 points of damage. "Woo, yeah!"

"YOUR LUCK WILL NOT CONTINUE."

The enemy charged to buck, but instead received 1 point of damage as Twilight turned the enemy's attack on itself. It obediently returned to its own area.

VP: 0.2/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 8/10     SP: 4/4

Applejack                   HP: 14/15      SP: 0/2

vs.

Red Bones                  HP: 4/10     DEF: 2

"Hnng. Applejack, this isn't looking good. You go first this time."

"Fine." Applejack was not stronger than she was, therefore she failed and did a pathetic zero damage again. Hah.

"Thanks. You're helping a lot."

"Keep tellin' yourself that."

"I will! Because it's true!" Twilight asserted. She charged her horn and blasted her foe again with her weird laser, causing 1 point of damage. "Just... keep... going..."

"YOU ARE BOTH OUT OF STAMINA. YOU ARE DOOMED."

That beast which seemed never to quit charged again, ignorant of Applejack being in the lead position. She spun around and bucked it in the face yet again for 1 point of damage. "Success!"

VP: 0.4/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 8/10     SP: 2/4

Applejack                   HP: 14/15      SP: 0/2

vs.

Red Bones                  HP: 2/10     DEF: 2

"Applejack, take a break," Twilight suggested summoning Rainbow Dash.

"What do you want?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"You seem to have a bit of energy left. I need you to fight."

"Yeah, I guess I could do that. I took one of your potions, by the way."

VP: 0.4/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 8/10     SP: 2/4

Rainbow Dash          HP: 10/10     SP: 2/3

vs.

Red Bones                  HP: 2/10     DEF: 2

"Actually, now that I think about it, you look like you're less tired than before!"

"Well, I think it's this little badge." She turned to the side to show a small flower-shaped badge. "Fluttershy gave it to me when we were back in Cloudsdale, years ago."

"Interesting... interesting... gimme that." Twilight lunged at Rainbow, prompting her to dodge effortlessly, Twilight landing on the solid stone floor face-first. "I really hate you."

"Concentrate," Rainbow Dash ordered sternly. "Stop getting distracted. We are not gonna lose this." She charged, smashing into the creature, dealing 3 points of damage. The creature exploded. "Told ya."

Team: +24 Magic Points! (43)

"APPARENTLY, TEAMWORK ALWAYS PAYS OFF. EXCEPT IF YOU'RE THE BAD GUYS. YOU MAY PASS." The red skeleton whistled, and every other skeleton in the swarm chased it out the front door.

"We won. You two had better thank me for pulling us through there."

"Twilight, don't be such an arrogant idiot."

"I'm not lyi — OUCH!" Twilight received a hefty buck from Applejack, in the face, no less, causing her to tumble to the ground, legs splayed all over the ground. "I can't get out of this. I just can't. Can I?" Applejack bucked her head into the ground, causing her jaw to start shaking. "I get it. I need to stop being such a jerk. I just hope you don't leave the group."

"You don't need to worry about me leavin'! All this fightin' is really gettin' me excited!"

"All right. Good, I guess. Just don't hit me, please?"

The team moved over to the locked door and used the Castle Key. The next room was a large tower, huge staircases leading up an unknown peak. A large green block, with a triangle on it, was situated in the corner of the tower, in pit of its own height. A small staircase lead from the lower floor to the upper floor. A smaller, semi-transparent, green box with a small triangle magically rotating within sat in another corner of the lower floor.

"Giant green block pointing upwards, let's go!" Twilight lead her team onto the green block and looked for an up button or something. She couldn't find it. "Maybe we just have to wait." They waited.

And waited.

And waited for about five hours. Probably. Twilight's hangover was really getting to her.

"Uuuurgh! Twilight, why aren't you thinking?!" Rainbow Dash flew down to the green block and bucked it, creating a loud whirring sound and causing the green block to begin to rise. She caught up with the team. Suddenly, a large window became visible, showing Twilight with all of her cuts and bruises. "Whoa, Twilight! You really need some healing! Take another one of my chocolates, quick!"

"Ah. Alas, I can't. It only counted as a single item."

"But... what... but it was a whole box! That's stupid!"

"Well, you should have saved it for later. It heals 30 SP and 30 HP, you know?"

"..."

The block arrived at its destination, letting the team step off onto a floor of the massive spiral staircase. They moved 180 degrees around the tower before they noticed a locked door.

"Consarnit! Why does this place even need keys in the first place?"

"Doesn't matter. Looks like it'll be an easy find." Rainbow Dash pointed a hoof toward a door on the opposite side of the tower, which they had just passed. The team carelessly flung the door open and were greeted by a small group of mushrooms having sharp teeth. A group of four, to be exact. The mushrooms walked into the team.

VP: 0.6/1

Twilight Sparkle HP: 8/10 SP: 2/4

Rainbow Dash HP: 10/10 SP: 0/3

vs.

Living Mushroom

Living Mushroom

Living Mushroom

Living Mushroom

"Research time!" Twilight yelled as she pulled out her giant book of knowledge. "Living Mushroom. Unknown origin. 2 Hit Points. They can jump at you to deal 1 point of damage." Twilight looked up from her book, putting it back away in her saddlebag. "I hoped they would be more interesting. Kill them."

"With pleasure! WHOA! That came out the wrong way. I meant to say I'd gladly get them out of our way, not that I take pleasure in the deaths of others."

"Stop wasting time, Dash!"

"Right!" She dive-bombed the first mushroom, dealing 2 points of damage. It died, of course, dropping two stars.

The second little monster simply jumped at Twilight to smack her in the head with its face. Twilight didn't notice until it was too late. She took 1 point of damage. "Ouch. That hurt, slightly." The third did the same, instead receiving a crude horn blast to the face as it 'flew', taking 1 point of damage. The fourth seemed to be holding something. It, too, jumped and landed on Applejack just as she heaved her hind legs around as a preemptive defense. It took 1 point of damage.

VP: 0.9/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 7/10     SP: 2/4

Rainbow Dash          HP: 10/10     SP: 0/3

vs.

Living Mushroom    HP: 1/2

Living Mushroom    HP: 1/2

Living Mushroom    HP: 6/7

"What the hay? Why does that one look so tough? We'd better flatten it before it does anything suspicious," Rainbow Dash suggested, looking at the fourth mushroom.

Twilight responded by firing a laser blast through the enemy team, killing off the second and third enemies. The fourth took another 3 points of damage, putting it at 3 HP.

"Nice! Now it's my turn." Rainbow, again, dive-bombed the mushroom, taking 2 Hit Points and putting it at 1. "Just superguard this and we won't have to bother with the next turn." Twilight nodded.

The mute shroom attacked Rainbow Dash, predictably, being thwarted by one of her front hooves being plunged into its squishy head. It made a sickening crunch and exploded into a white cloud.

Team: +8 Magic Points! (51)

A small, yellow, triangular badge with a red heart symbol on it dropped to the ground, making a tink sound.

"Don't you dare touch that. I'm the leader. It's MINE!" Twilight was the only one to lunge at the ground, grabbing it and sticking it in the side of her saddlebag.

New Badge: HP Plus!

"Good." She suddenly felt hungry and weak. "Eeuuurgh. I'm just gonna have one of my potions now," she said, grabbing one with her telekinesis and drinking it in one gulp, healing 8 Hit Points. "That's better."

The group, lead by Twilight, entered the small room that was guarded by the stupid mushrooms to find a small pegasus filly in a full-body black catsuit trying to sort through some chests.

"Come on... it's gotta be here somewhere... c'mon badge. Here, badgebadgebadgebadgeba — OH!" The filly had turned around to see the team looking directly at her in confusion. "Hey! What are you guys doing here? I can handle myself just fine! I mean, hello!" The filly smiled broadly, as was apparent by the ridiculous stretching of the muzzle section of her black face mask.

Rainbow Dash spoke first, "Uh... hello? Do you know us?" The filly gasped, beginning to shake before quickly... shaking... it off.

"Nope! I have no idea who you are! I'm just here looking for treasure, that's all!"

"You mean you're stealing?"

"Please don't tell mommy! Er, I mean, yes, of course! But this castle has been deserted for a long time. Nothing's gonna stop me here."

"Your voice sounds familiar..."

"NO! Of course not! My voice isn't familiar! See?" The filly tried to prove it by bending her voice into a slightly lower, harder to understand, voice.

"Hmm... okay. Anyway, do you know where the key is?"

"Key? What key? Oh! You mean this one?" She held up a small rusty key with a dragon head. "Of course you can have it! Well, I'm busy looking for a badge now and I really need to find it. Gotta go!" She jumped down from the shelf she was standing on, to come over and hug Rainbow Dash tightly, before sighing and jumping out the window. Rainbow's eyes widened.

"Ummmm..."

"Just forget it, Rainbow Dash. We've got the key and now we can move on."

"Hang on... wait on just a pony-pickin' minute! There might be some good loot in these chests!" Applejack exclaimed, beginning to search the containers.

You got a Star Piece!

You got a Bottle of Scotch!

You got a Bottle of Scotch!

You got a Bottle of Scotch!

New Badge: Power Plus!

"Awesome!" Rainbow Dash shouted. "But who's gonna use it?"

"Let me try first, since I'm the leader." Twilight took the Power Plus badge and tried to affix it, only to find it somehow didn't fit. "Huh. Okay. One of you try this." She hoofed the badge over to Rainbow Dash, who tried it and shook her head. She gave it to Applejack, getting the same result. "All right then, I'll keep it here in case we need it later on." Twilight levitated the badge into of of her saddlebags, placing it.

The team left the room.

"Who was that little filly?" Rainbow Dash asked just as her flower badge flashed. "Aaahahaha, stamina. That feels good."

"Doesn't matter. Just unlock the door."

She flew up and used the key on the locked door, opening it to find an open bridge full of toothy mushrooms, sun beating down on all of them. Some flying, the others with spikes on their heads. "Get ready," she said as she readied her wings and smashed through a flock of flying mushrooms, killing four of them. "Woo! Yeahaha! I'm glad these things don't bleed all over the place! It would be a lot harder to do if that was the case." 8 stars flashed away.

Team: +8 Magic Points! (59)

"Hm. Apparently if you're good enough you can just beat them without going through all that stage business!" Rainbow Dash surmised.

"Heh. Twilight, why don't you try that laser on that little pack over there?" Twilight was already doing as was requested, firing a laser through a group of three spiked mushrooms. Six stars.

Team: +6 Magic Points! (65)

* * *

After 24 Magic Points (89) worth of battles, the team reached the other end of the bridge and entered another tower. A spiral staircase went around a central column, seeming to go on forever. They only walked two revolutions before they realised it wasn't infinite. They reached a flat stone floor. A octagonal platform, depicting a cross and a flower, was in the center.

"Standing on this seems like a good idea, girls," Twilight said, stepping into it while indicating for the others to get on after her. The obliged, suddenly feeling refreshed. "Told you. Let's go in here now!"

There was a huge wooden door, probably weighing many tonnes, on a round building at the peak of the tower. They had not even noticed. However, on touching the door, they felt it open, seemingly of its own accord, allowing them access to a darkened atrium.

* * *

"This place is creeping me out even more than before, guys. Can we just leave?" Rainbow Dash asked as the team slowly walked into the dark room.

"No, Rainbow. We have to get that vodka. The fate of the entire universe depends on it. You'll be fine," Twilight assured, slightly assuaging some of Rainbow 's fears of death.

The team walked a few more steps before Twilight face smacked into something very large, very hard, very warm and very... dragonlike.

The dragon opened its eyes, making Twilight jump back a few steps in fear. "What are you doing in my castle?"

"Uh... we were hoping to get a very special bottle of vodka. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?" Rainbow attempted.

"You have come for my possession. You will be destroyed for being so ignorant as to think that I would oblige."

Some loud drums sounded in the background.

Can't leave this battle!

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle HP: 15/15 SP: 4/4

Rainbow Dash HP: 10/10 SP: 3/3

vs.

Sir Hoofington

"A dragon knight? Not bad, not bad. Twilight, we're doomed."

"Shut up, Rainbow. We'll never win with that attitude. First priority: research!" Twilight pulled out that book and found the page for the dragon. "Sir Hoofington. Used to go by Hooftail, but he said otherwise, claiming that his tail was not, in fact, made out of hooves. 25 HP, 2 DEF. His claw attack takes 5 Hit Points and his flame attack deals 3 to both active party members, burning them. Be prepared for a twist ending." Twilight's face had gone pale, her eyes wide. "Rainbow... we're doomed."

"MUAHAHAHA! You now see the error of your ways, don't you? There is no escape."

"Quiet, you!" Rainbow Dash yelled, slamming her body into the dragon full-force, almost flying right through his chest. The beast took 3 points of damage.

"Owww! That really hurt, you know? Hahaha!"

The dragon lifted a front leg, slamming it down on Twilight, dealing 5 points of damage. There was barely anything she could do to block it.

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 10/15     SP: 4/4

Rainbow Dash          HP: 10/10     SP: 1/3

vs.

Sir Hoofington       HP: 22/25    DEF: 2

"Swap places with Applejack." Rainbow Dash and Applejack did so.

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 10/15     SP: 4/4

Applejack                   HP: 10/10     SP: 2/2

vs.

Sir Hoofington       HP: 22/25    DEF: 2

"Applebomb?"

"Applebomb."

"Applebomb!" Applejack launched herself into the air and slammed down on top of the enemy, dealing 4 points of damage.

"Darn it! This is taking too long!"

"I agree."

The huge red dragon, Sir Hoofington, breathed flames on the team, dealing 3 points of damage to each. They were on fire.

"AAAARGH! Fire! Help!"

"You can't put it out. It's magic. You can't put magic out."

POP! The flames kicked in and dealt another 1 point to each pony.

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 6/15     SP: 4/4     << Fire (2) >>

Applejack                   HP: 6/10     SP: 0/2     << Fire (2) >>

vs.

Sir Hoofington       HP: 18/25    DEF: 2

"How are we gonna beat this thing?" Applejack complained.

"Wait a minute... another drink hides in this building somewhere. It will weaken him. That's it!"

"What?"

"Swap with Rainbow again."

"All right. Don't do that all the time; it's really annoying!"

"Fair enough." Twilight dismissed Applejack, greeting Rainbow.

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 6/15     SP: 4/4     << Fire (2) >>

Rainbow Dash          HP: 10/10     SP: 2/3

vs.

Sir Hoofington       HP: 18/25    DEF: 2

"Nice to see that badge is still working." Twilight smiled.

"Rainbow Smash?"

"Will you two subordinate morons stop asking permission for things? Just do whatever kills him quicker! Honestly!"

"Okay, okay! No need to be hostile about it! Rainbow SMASH!" Rainbow cut through again, doing 3 points of damage.

"It's my turn again."

The dragon's claw met Rainbow Dash's legs, which barely created any resistance whatsoever, protecting her from only 1 point of damage, which totaled to 4 points.

POP!

"Ouch! That looked like it hurt, Twilight!"

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 5/15     SP: 4/4     << Fire (1) >>

Rainbow Dash          HP: 6/10     SP: 0/3

vs.

Sir Hoofington       HP: 15/25    DEF: 2

Twilight responded to the flames by hurling a bottle of scotch with her magic into the dragon's mouth.

"BLEUGH! WHAT IS THIS?! Is this scotch? How dare you?! Uuuurrnnggg..."

"Whoa, nice. That looked like it did something."

"Noooo, of course not. Reggie's father must have been lying," Twilight replied sarcastically.

"Stop being like that. Sarcastic, I mean. It's really not helpful when we're fighting for our lives here. I'll see if that did anything." Rainbow Dash flew up into the air and slammed down onto the enemy, doing 1 point of damage. "Oooh, looks like it did." Rainbow was smiling.

Sir Hoofington bent down and opened his mouth for another blast of flames. The inferno re-intensified Twilight's burning hide, causing her to yelp in pain and dealt 2 points of damage to each pony.

"It's not nice, is it? Muahahaha!"

POP!

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 2/15     SP: 4/4     << Fire (2) >>

Rainbow Dash          HP: 3/10     SP: 0/3     << Fire (2) >>

vs.

Sir Hoofington       HP: 14/25    DEF: 1

"You're weaker." Twilight pulled out her map and let it do its magic, this time healing Twilight by 9 HP, Rainbow by 6 and restoring her stamina.

Rainbow Dash threw the other bottle at the dragon, hitting right on target at the back of its throat. The dragon roared in disgust, throwing green-brown chunky fluid all over the two best ponies, causing them to recoil. There may have been some pink in there, too. "Not sure if that was worth it..."

"IT WASN'T."

Their enemy slammed its claw down on Rainbow Dash, taking 3 Hit Points.

POP!

"ENOUGH!"

The huge reptile seemed to step back from the stage, returning via, instead of the side of the stage, the side of the audience. It shoved its claw into the crowd and dragged as many as it could into its mouth. Twilight and Rainbow Dash stared in horror as it seemed to heal fully. It seemed that way because that is exactly what happened.

VP: 0/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 10/15     SP: 4/4     << Fire (1) >>

Rainbow Dash          HP: 5/10     SP: 3/3     << Fire (1) >>

vs.

Sir Hoofington       HP: 25/25    DEF: 0

"Did you have hope? Hahaha!"

"KEEP FIGHTIN', YOU TWO! DON'T GIVE UP!" Applejack shouted from the sidelines.

"Whatever." Twilight threw the last bottle of scotch into the dragon's mouth. Same result. "You know you can't win, right?" she said to the dragon.

"We'll see."

Rainbow Dash sky-bucked the dragon's, now sponge-like, hide, doing another 3 points of damage.

The dragon was now pathetically weak, scratching Twilight with its claw to do 2 Hit Points of damage.

POP! The flames dissipated.

VP: 0.2/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 7/15     SP: 4/4

Rainbow Dash          HP: 4/10     SP: 3/3

vs.

Sir Hoofington       HP: 22/25    DEF: -1

"You're doomed, guy. Face it. You can't hold your booze." Twilight fired another magic bullet perfectly into its mouth, taking 3 points.

"She's right, you know?" Rainbow Dash rammed it again, 3 HP.

"Ignorant... fools..."

The dragon swiped its claw on Rainbow's face, or at least that is what it thought it did, but what really happened was its giant 'hand' was bucked into the air by Rainbow Dash for 1 Hit Point.

VP: 0.6/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 7/15     SP: 4/4

Rainbow Dash          HP: 4/10     SP: 3/3

vs.

Sir Hoofington       HP: 15/25    DEF: -1

Twilight fired a laser beam into the dragon, dealing 4 points of damage. The dragon collapsed onto the ground.

"Not... fair..."

Rainbow Dash used her trademarked dive-bomb to do another 3 points.

Another dragon's hit was countered for 1.

VP: 1/1

Twilight Sparkle      HP: 7/15     SP: 4/4

Rainbow Dash          HP: 4/10     SP: 3/3

vs.

Sir Hoofington       HP: 7/25    DEF: -1

Twilight fired a blast from her horn's seemingly endless supply, taking 3 Hit Points from the dying beast.

Rainbow dive-bombed again for 3 HP.

The dragon took its chances, swinging a paper-like claw at Twilight, who smashed it.

"You... have no idea... what my brother... will do... to you..."

Sir Hoofington's eyelids fell halfway, the light fading from his eyes, before spewing a bunch of stars.

Team: +25 Magic Points! (14)

LEVEL UP! +3 BP.

The corpse continued to make choking and gargling noises, spraying a bunch of bits out of its throat. Followed by some bones. Followed by a muscular, grey-blue pegasus with a silver mane wearing a militaristic blue jacket.

"Dad!"

"Dashie?"

"I thought you were gone forever! You... you fought a full-grown dragon? Did you forget you had a family?!" Rainbow Dash had more tears coming from her eyes, this time, of joy.

"Wh-whut?" The silver-maned buck was swaying, looking confused as his eyes went wherever they wanted to go.

"D-dad, are you drunk?"

"Umm, yes, aticully. I did a while ago when it was in the dragons."

"Dad, you know you can't drink! You know what happens!"

"But I couldn'tn't. There was the drinking in the breathing."

"What? I don't want to see you like this, Dad!"

"I... I *burp* found this." He took a small bottle out of his jacket's pocket and showed it to the group. It was labeled 'Vadko'. "But I wannit."

"No, Dad. We need it."

"But I—"

"No."

"But-" Rainbow bucked her real father in the head, making him drop the bottle. It fell to the ground, seeming almost in slow motion as it neared its doom. Three inches from the ground, two inches...

One inch...

The bottle hit the floor and bounced, letting Twilight quickly grab it in her magic.

"Phew!" The group let out a collective sigh of relief. Rainbow looked to the unconscious form of her father.

"We have to get him to Ponyville."

They had their prize, and the first part of the Elements of Potato to take back to Discord.

END OF CHAPTER!

Author's Note: Any suggestions on how to improve the turn-based battle scenes so that they flow more? Could it use a little more detail? A little less? Keep in mind, I want this to be very reminiscent of Paper Mario 2.

-bjshnog

Post Chapter 1: A Beer in the Hoof (50% complete)
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Twilight's Legendary Quest for Vodka

Post Chapter 1: A Beer in the Hoof (50% complete)

"I got her for you, my lord. My minions here were no help at all." She bucked one of the white-covered colts in the face, making him scream.

"Thank you, my dear. You have done me a great service. You may go."

"But, my lord, what of the Princess?"

"She'll be fine here. I doubt she could do anything with that ring on her horn or her wings bound." He snapped his eagle-claw-like fingers. "Or without any horn or wings at all."

The Sun Princess spoke up. "You know, you probably won't get away with this. I've seen Twilight do some pretty neat crud before. Even if she is... let's say... mentally insufficient."

"Yes, I know. But you have to remember that I can manipulate time and space to my will. For example..." He snapped his fingers again. "Your sister never existed."

"My... what?"

"Your—"

"She's behind you."

"Behind me? What's—" Discord's face received a balloon full of egg custard, blinding him temporarily. A large, dark, almost regal figure behind him was laughing hysterically. It had a huge flowing cloud of what looked like the middle of the night attached to its head.

"HAHAHA! I got you good! Don't mess with the Lunanator!"

"Sister, why did you follow me?"

"Very funny." Discord forced his eyes open and snapped his fingers yet again, making Luna disappear and reappear in an indigo flash of light. She no longer had a horn or wings. "But you must remember who is the real King of Chaos here."

"He's right, you know. You can't hope to fight him alone. Shall I take them to their room, my lord?"

"You shall." Discord dismissed his minion with a claw, but quickly amended. "But first, what have you heard of the Elements?"

"The dragon in Hoofington Tower has been extinguished; the first Element retrieved by the unicorn."

"Thank you." He dismissively waved his claw again, turning his gaze to one of the many stained glass portraits. "How boring. These windows could use a little more... chaos." He snapped his fingers for the third time, turning the windows into flowing messes of beautiful colour. He smiled.

As the princesses left the room, Celestia quietly asked, "Twilight?"

The door behind closed them, letting Discord sit alone on his massive throne in this strange location. "Shadowbolts."

Three dark pegasi oozed out of the ground, at a respectful distance from Discord, bowing. "Yes, lord?"

"See if you can get that map for me. If that Twilight Sparkle can use it properly, then anyone can."

"Yes, my lord."

* * *

"You will stay in here." Discord's minion left the two best sisters in a small dungeon cell with a two-pony bunk bed.

"Shotgun! No—Screw you, big sister! It's mine!"

"Shotgun! Get off! I'm sleeping here! No it's not!"

They argued for several hours until Celestia finally gave up to her younger sister's immense physical strength. Nopony could ever compete with that. Not for a thousand years. "Fine, Luna." She hopped off the top bunk and lied down on the bottom bunk.

"Hey."

"Yes, Luna?"

"Huh? That wasn't—"

"It was me." A small ball of brightly glowing yellow flame oozed out of the wall, seeming to bow. The sisters stared in wonder. "You got here and suddenly I felt a lot stronger. Must be your fire magic."

"Discord took away my horn though... I'm sorry, who are you? What are you?"

"Name's Tinderbo-XX. But you can just call me Tinder. I... it's a long story. I'll tell you later some time if I think I can trust you. Right now I'm processing some information about a map. Lord Discord told me all about it. Also, you are still physiologically an alicorn. You still radiate the same magic, even if you can't consciously use it."

"Tinderbo-XX? Does that mean you're a...?"

"That is correct. I am an Electronic Flame Class Artificially Intelligent Draconequus Service Sprite Droid. EFCAIDSSD for short."

"That doesn't sound easy to remember. Eficaydassed? I can't be bothered." Celestia waved a lazy hoof at the little sprite, forcing it to dodge back.

"Call me Tinder."

"Right, Tinder."

"Discord might not know it, but I have quite a bit influence in this area. Discord wasn't counting on that. Anyway, do you want to send a message to your protege, Twilight?" At this, the princess's ears perked up and her eyes widened.

"You can do that?"

"Yes. I am Discord's mailbox as well as his servant. That is why I have yellow flames."

"Of course. It's so obvious! Derp. Yeah, I guess I'll do it," she replied, slapping a hoof on her face. Now that her horn was gone, she didn't have to worry about hitting it. She had always wanted to facehoof.

"Since you don't have a way of writing, I can send the message using some other material. There, in the corner. I can use one of those rocks. Just tell me your message." A small flare redirected Celestia's focus on a decently-sized black stone.

"Hey, Twilight. Discord's sending somepony to come get you, I guess. I know him pretty well and he seems to do that kind of thing a lot after I leave the room. I'm stuck in some place I don't recognize. You'll figure it out."

"Did you mean: 'Hello, Twilight. Discord is sending somepony to come and intercept you, I presume. I know him relatively well and he seems to do a similar kind of thing very often after I leave the room in which we have spoken. I am stuck in a place which I do not recognize. You will figure it out.'?"

"No! What the...? That would make me sound like a total prude!"

"Very well. Throw the rock at me to send." EFICAIDSSD didn't have to ask twice. "Message sent."

* * *

A castle, slightly smaller than Sir Hoofington's castle stood menacingly atop an irregularly shaped platform made from some sort of dark stone. The platform was attached to the mainland via a narrow, zigzagging pathway suspended over a huge pool of lava. The castle itself appeared to be made of a black crystal, almost onyx in texture, however crystalline in shape.

Inside, a number of ponies wearing spiked armour were stationed. There was a knock at the front door. Immediately, two armoured ponies opened it, allowing a large, dark grey stallion with an oddly curved horn to step in.

"HEY! What are you waiting for, slaves? Where is my... assistant?"

"I'm here, sir. Ready to serve you always, my King." A youthful-looking, fully invisible, due to the purple robe she was wearing, unicorn mare stepped through the door on the opposite side of the room.

"Take me to my chamber."

The King's assistant led him through his castle. It was a straight shot to his chamber, the hallway containing a single, deep red carpet. The walls were adorned with various artful decorations, such as windows and flat surfaces. There were also black crystal chains attached to skulls hanging from pillars placed at a set interval throughout the hallway.

"We have arrived, my King."

"I think I can recognize my own chamber. Now, tell me! Why didn't that work?"

"The artifact you hid away was not as powerful as those required," she explained. "To enslave an entire empire and be able to hold it under your hoof without fight needs something more powerful."

"What is it? Spit it out!"

"The Elements of Potato, sir."

"...Potato. Yes, I shall be King Sombra of Potatoes! Everypony will fear me and bow down before—POTATO? Do you honestly expect me to believe this garbage?!"

"I assure you, it is true, my King. The same unicorn scum who caused you to be defeated is on a quest for them. She is being helped by the Spirit of Chaos himself, Discord."

"Discord! That rat? What can we do?"

"I suggest we steal the map they are using to find the Elements, sir."

"That might end in my defeat, yet again. We need to be clever. Research the matter before we do anything."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." The unicorn assistant made to leave, but thought of something. "By the way, King Sombra... Do you like fried eggs?"

"Bleargh! I HATE them!" The King gagged for a second. "Eugh! Were you trying to make me throw up? Get out of my sight!"

"No! Sorry, sir." The mysterious mare began walking away swiftly, but not swiftly enough to escape the room and avoid hearing the King belching and making horrible splashing noises as the air filled with an indescribably putrid odour. "I shouldn't have asked."

* * *

Hoofington Valley, 8:30 PM.

"Come on, Dad! Stop falling off!" Rainbow Dash continued to try and secure her father to her back, allowing her to carry him more than a few feet without dropping him, all to no avail. It seemed like his cutie mark should have been a cliff with a pony falling off it. Instead, it was a bottle of scotch.

"Hebewebeh?"

"Speak properly, Dad! You haven't been drunk for ages!"

"Right... sorry, Rundybow Daysh!"

"Close enough." She resorted to dragging him along the grassy plain, until she noticed something in the distance. "Is that a... town?"

"Ah reckon it is! Looks like we went right past it on our way here," Applejack agreed.

"Or right through it..." Twilight suggested.

"Yeah. So, Dad... how did you manage to get eaten by a dragon?"

"Oh, I uhhhh..."

"Dad!"

"Oh! Well, first I got to this castle... I wanted to find that bottle there, 'cause one of my friends in town told me it was worth a fortune. I looked around for a while, and I kind of just... walked into the dragon's mouth. Yeah... not my best day."

"Huh. All right, I guess that's the best answer I'm gonna get."

"We're nearly at that town, by the way!" Twilight mentioned. "I think we did actually walk straight through it. It's right on the path we used to get here."

"Well, that's weird. How the hay did that happen?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Beats me." Applejack said. "Folks around town probably know."

"Hey, Dashie... I got a good friend in the bar. You should probably stop there first," Rainbow Dash's father suggested. "Oh, by the way, girls, my name's Hurricane. My little Dashie's already told me about you and your friends."

* * *

Mysterious Town, 8:00 PM.

They arrived at their temporary destination, disoriented from being in an utterly obvious area they had walked right through. It was a small town with a rather homely feel. There were small gardens outside every property—the town even had a small pond!

"This rock! Right here! I remember seeing this on the way to the castle! How did I not notice the entire civilization built around it?" Rainbow Dash questioned in exasperation, approaching panic. She was clearly suffering from severe cognitive dissonance. "What?!"

"Yeah, this town seems to have a habit o' doin' that." A green earth pony stepped out from behind a thin, rusted iron pole. He was wearing a desperado cowboy hat and a brown leather jacket. He also had a large white moustache.

"I'm just gonna ignore what you're wearing..." Rainbow Dash stated.

"That's right with me. Now, I suppose you want an explanation."

"Not really, just take us to the bar."

"Okay, fine. I don't like tellin' that story anyhow. I'm General White. Nice to meet ya."

"Hi. Where is the bar? We're tired because we just killed a dragon."

He sighed. "Ugh, over to the east side o' town. There's a big sign with a bed on it, you see, it's also an inn." He turned and began to walk away while muttering something about unfriendly snobs.

"Thank you," Rainbow Dash forced out. The group began their epic journey toward the bar on the other side of town, leaving the weird stallion behind.

"Now, Dashie, I gotta warn you. This friend of mine is a bit... different. She won't hurt you though," Hurricane informed.

The team finally found the sign with picture of the bed outside the inn after dozens of seconds worth of searching. They entered and immediately recognized the "different" mare behind the counter. She was a grey pegasus with golden eyes, mane and tail and she had a group of bubbles for a cutie mark. She had a wide, friendly grin on her face.

"Hello, friends! Welcome to Pegasusberg inn! Rooms upstairs are five bits a night and... oh hey! It's you! Hurricane, you haven't dropped in for ages!" she cheerily stated.

"Hey Ditzy! I kinda got swallowed by a dragon," he replied, suddenly jerking and rubbing his head with a little grunt.

"That's no good! You smell like scotch." She produced a shot glass from the shelves behind her and placed it under a tap. She turned it on, and a dark purple fluid 'flowed' into it. Holding it up to Hurricane, she said, "Here, drink this!"

"Thanks, Ditzy, this hangover is killing me. I could use a another, though."

Twilight was reminded of her own soul-smashing headache. "Uh, I think I could use one of those as well. Or 10."

Rainbow Dash corrected her: "Uh, that would be 7. My father had three drinks: those three bottles you threw at the dragon. If he's having one of these hangover cures, then the ratio of the number drinks to the number of cures is 2:3. Since you had 10 drinks... I counted... two thirds of that would be 6 and a third rounded up, to be certain. Of course, there is the fact that this drink may make up for more than the exact amount he had, meaning you would require some amount above one third and equal to or below two thirds of 10. Therefore, you need between 4 and 7 cures."

Twilight stood in the center of the room with a look of shock on her face due to what Rainbow Dash had just said. "What? I thought I was supposed to be the smart one!"

"Sorry, Twilight. I knew we'd come to this eventually, but... we all just let you think you were the smart one. In reality, you're... you're the... uh... least intelligent of all of us," Rainbow informed regretfully, rubbing her hoof on the back of her head.

"But... how does... I don't..." Twilight trailed off, looking at the ground and shaking her head. "All this time..."

"Yeah."

"I need to rest. I'll take one of those cures, please, Ditzy."

"All right! That'll be seven bits plus five for the room." Twilight levitated the bits out of her saddlebags.

"Thanks, Ditzy."

With that, the rest of them decided to hit the hay as well.

* * *

Rainbow Dash was flying in the sky, one of her favourite pastimes.

"Dash."

"Wheeeeeheeeheeee!!!"

"Dash."

She pushed downward as hard as her wings would manage and, once she reached her apex above the cloud layer, tucked her wings away as tightly as possible to reduce drag.

"Dash!"

Accelerating downwards with as little wind resistance as possible—

"DASH!"

* * *

Pegasusberg, 7:30 AM.

Rainbow Dash's eyes split open and she swung her head up from the mattress so hard that she almost smashed Twilight's muzzle to a pulp. "Ach! What? Twilight! You should know better than to be that close when forcibly waking someone up!"

"Well, at least I'm not the lazy one," she replied, rubbing her nose. "Come on, we're talking to your dad about something."

"About what?"

"He wants to join the team."

"THAT'S RIGHT!" Hurricane was suddenly standing right in front of Twilight, causing her to flinch and nearly buck Rainbow Dash in the face as revenge for her involuntary action earlier, and attempt to pass it off as just a reflex. "I do want to join the team! Apparently I was a bit too peculiar for the rest of your friends, but they allowed me to ask you directly to see whether or not—"

"No, Dad. You get drunk waaay too often. You'd just slow us down."

"But I've got connections, I—"

"Sorry, Dad."

"Aww. Fine. But I at least get to kiss that purple pony there on the cheek."

"Ugh. Twilight?"

"NO."

"Well, there's your answer. Goodbye, Dad." Rainbow Dash leaned in to give her father a big hug, but he shrank away in spite.

"You're nut gittin' nu hugs frum meeee!" He crossed his legs tightly and turned his nose up.

"All right then. Goodbye, Dad."

Before they exited the room with Twilight in front, Ditzy remembered something. "Wait! You'll probably want more supplies! The shopkeeper over at the other side of town has really great prices! Ask him about the buried treasure!"

Twilight replied, "Sure thing, Ditzy."

The team had exited the inn when Hurricane rushed out the door and pleaded, "Please, let me join the team! I promise I won't be a bother!"

All three of them stared at him in frustration.

"Okay then, I'll just... stay back here... all alone." He slowly reversed back into the building, looking around awkwardly.

Twilight was the first to talk after the awkward silence. "So... the item shop. Right across the street. Great!" She led her friends into the building with a picture of a bit and a mushroom on the sign.

"Welcome! Welcome! Welcome to the magnificent and wonderful Pegasusberg general store! We've got everything from mushrooms to... better mushrooms! Come in and take a look around... if you want some... mushrooms, that is!" The pegasus buck behind the counter was primarily red, but he had some (symmetrical) white patches of fur, as well as a white mane. He looked very odd indeed.

Twilight's team each went their own directions to look at the wide range of mushrooms they had for sale. Rainbow Dash was looking at a red mushroom with large white spots and... eyes? "Twilight? What kind of mushrooms are these?"

The focus of Twilight's eyes matched that of Rainbow Dash and she immediately know why her friend was asking. "Don't worry, they're all dead. They won't attack you. They're what I use in my potions, anyway."

"Uh-huh." Rainbow Dash started looking around at other mushrooms, now curious. She asked the shopkeeper, "Why are they different colours?"

He immediately and cheerfully replied, "That would be because each of them has a different function or level of efficiency!" He moved to the first one: the red mushroom. "This one here heals five hit points. Nothin' uber special." He began slowly walking along the counter. "The blue one heals ten. No extra functions. The green one: a whopping fifty! Good for if you're feelin' really tired when you're normally real tough. This black one here with the lightnin' bolt is a personal favourite o' mine. If you eat it, monsters will take damage of they hit you directly. Usually lasts about three turns, dependin' on how fast you c'n fight. This one here has some super magical powers, really useful. The heart means if you fall in battle, it'll get you right back up at ten Hit Points! A bit more expensive than the blue one, due to its special powers. And this curiously pink one over here will heal you ten points, two per turn up to ten points. A little less expensive than the Life Shroom, but more so than the Super Shroom. I have one more in the back... it's an ultra rare specialty of mine. Don't go tellin' nobody, 'cause I'll kill ya."

Rainbow Dash nodded fiercely as she was positively enraptured by the huge assortment of mushrooms on the table. Maybe it was because it reminded her of her own spectrum of colours, but she didn't care. She just loved the range. She followed the buck into the back room, her jaw hanging open in awe.

"Aaaand, here, we have the greatest mushroom Equestria has ever seen. Only found in the depths of the desert. I went there when I was younger. Quite an adventure. Anyway, this one'll cost ya all ya got with a full wallet. 999 bits for mah Buff Shroom. Increases attack power and defense by 2 points, for five turns, while healin' ten points each turn." He opened a huge red curtain and revealed a shiny golden mushroom with a slight red glow, then paused for a few seconds in thought. "Actually, if you could do a job for me, I'd be happy to give it to ya for free. Gotta warn ya though: it's reeeeal dangerous-like."

"Huh. Well, that sounds... awesome. Could I let my friends in on this? I'm kinda on an epic quest with them."

"Eeeeeyeah... don't let 'em tell anypony else though, or I'll get real mad. Do you wanna know what I do the the necks of ponies who piss me off?"

"Um, I can probably guess."

"Good. Now I gotta tell you the pricing for these 'shrooms!" He led her back into the main shop and back to the red mushroom. "8 bits for the Mushroom, 20 bits for the Super Shroom, 150 for the Ultra Shroom, 20 for the Volt Shroom, 40 for the Life Shroom and 30 for the Slow Shroom. Any questions?"

"Uh... no. I'll take a couple of those... Super Shrooms? Thanks."

"Pleasure doin' business with ya!" He lifted two blue mushrooms with his wing to place them on the counter and took 40 bits. "Now, about this quest... you'll find an item out in the Badlands. Near the middle, there's a temple built by some ancient civilization. I don't know the history of it, but, from what I've heard, inside, there's a bunch of monsters, even ghosts, but there is also a legendary statue... or stone... I'm not sure, that detail seems to change a lot. That's right at the bottom. You know that book—"

Rainbow Dash had leapt into the air and was hovering, her eyes forced open as far as was physically possible. "Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone?!" she interrupted.

"Uh, yeah. That one. You read it?"

"Only like 17 times! But... the Badlands? Wasn't the statue in a jungle?"

"According to the legend, yes, but time has taken its toll on that area. The trees and plant life are long dead. Nothin' left but the strongest artificial structures."

"Fascinating... I accept your mission, but I might not come back here for a while, if at all. That stone would be extremely valuable to me. More valuable than some temporary power. Or more invaluable"

The shopkeeper grunted in what was probably slight contempt. "Hm. Well, I hope you make the better choice. Good luck, and remember, the Buff Shroom's waitin' for ya! Maybe you'll get 50% off your second one!" He dismissed her with a hoof and welcomed another pony into his store.

Outside, Twilight and Applejack were talking about food when Rainbow Dash intruded on the conversation. "Hey! I got all I needed. And more."

"More?" Twilight responded, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I got a little quest from the buck behind the counter. Remember the Sapphire Stone? Apparently it's real. And this guy wants it."

"Real? But... that book is fiction! It can't just—" Twilight looked around from point to point on the dusty ground, trying to find something to focus on.

"I know, I know! That's what I thought! But he wants it, and if we get it, he has a special prize for us. Something I'm sure you can brew into something really powerful."

"Hmm... interesting..." Twilight raised her head and scratched her chin with a hoof for a few seconds. "Where did you say this was?"

"I didn't. It's in the Equestrian Badlands. The jungle was there, but it's long dead, apparently."

"Well, we'll look into that a bit later. Right now, that's out of our way."

"Right. So we go back to Discord now?"

"Yep."

They made sure they still had all of their stuff and promptly set off toward Ponyville.

* * *

Ponyville, 10:00 AM.

"Twilight. We're here. You can wake up now. Twilight!" Rainbow Dash clopped her hooves right in front of Twilight's face.

"Huh?" She awoke with a start, realising that she had just walked miles without even being awake.

"There y'are, girl! I thought you'd never wake up!" Applejack smiled brightly, nudging Twilight's shoulder with a strong hoof.

They were just arriving near Ponyville. At the outskirts was a wide, light-yellow coated stallion with a brown moustache wearing a large, garishly red and white striped tunic and hat. He was carrying a huge bag full of supplies on his back. Twilight was surprised when he shouted in her direction, having such charisma that it drew her in.

"HEY, YOU! You want a rare badge for a one-time-only special price? Come over here and get a Defend Plus for only 150 bits!"

"Defend Plus... what does that do?" She stared at the metallic blue triangle

"Why, it blocks one point of damage from all enemy attacks, of course! Comes in very handy when fighting foes that attack multiple times!"

Twilight finally had to ask. "When did everything become so quantized?"

"Ever since you began your journey for the Elements of Potato!"

"Wait, how did you know—"

"Every character knows! All they have to do is access your Nintendo Gamecube's memory and—"

"Hey, wait, wait, wait. What? What are you talking about?"

"I'm just tellin' you what you asked for, kid!"

She sighed, defeated. "All right. Whatever, I don't think I want to know. Gimme the badge."

"Very well, that'll be 150 bits!" Twilight levitated the bits out of her saddlebags and greedily took the shiny badge. She was beginning to run out of currency. "Come back sometime! I'll have more rare stuff on which you can spend all of your shiny money!"

Twilight left with her friends trailing closely behind her. She noticed the familiar, large black cube in the distance, radiating some uncomfortable dark energy. It seemed to be glowing harder than before, to Twilight's untrained mind. Suddenly, a light brown coated stallion with a giant hourglass on his flank burst out of a nearby door with his eyes wide and appeared to be panicking. He was wearing an odd bucket-shaped red thing on his head, much to the team's—especially Twilight's—confusion. He turned around and faced her directly and immediately began galloping toward her while taking some highly unusual deep breaths. "You! What are you doing there? Get in, get in, you silly fillies!"

Before they could say anything or resist, he led—pushed—them into a small house with nothing particularly special about it. There was a small bin with some notes, a desk with papers all over it, a large blue box and shelves filled with various sizes of history books.

"Oh. OH! I have to talk to you! You're the ones going on that quest, right? I saw you when you left town. I wanted to speak to you before you left, but... you left." He was speaking very quickly, as if something really bad was about to happen. "Something very bad is about to happen! Very bad indeed!"

"What? What is about to happen?" Twilight asked, almost panicking, herself.

"Oh... right here. In this book. Doesn't say much about what that cube is, but it said it'd be here and something would escape. After being imprisoned for a thousand years! Now, I know you already defeated Nightmare Moon, so that can't be it. Hmmm... HMMMMMMM... HHHRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMM" He stood there solidly, watching the pages of the book, waiting for something to leap off the page.

After Twilight waited for almost a minute while the weird pony just stared, she took a cautious step closer and broke the silence. "Well? Are you going to tell us what you've found or just stand there? We're kinda on a mission right now that we'd rather like to complete."

It took a moment for him to realise he had been asked a question. "Nope. Just stories, I think. Come back later when you've done some more questing."

Disappointed, and slightly annoyed, her muzzle formed a grimace as she led her elite bodyguards off the premises.

...