Captain's Travels

Captain and four mares stood in a tight circle, as a pack of timber wolves encroached with every passing second.

"What did the two of you do?" asked a fearful Twilight.

"Let's not play the blame game here," Captain said with a nervous smile, "right now, let's just focus on keeping Fluttershy and Rarity safe," he said gesturing towards two unconscious mares in the center of the circle.

"And then?"

"We keep fighting 'til either they're dead or we are," he exclaimed through ragged breaths. "Besides, I think that one of these guys ate the key-thing."

"Would y'all quit talkin' we don't need these damned things to attack early," said Applejack

"Pinkie how many shots do you have left?" asked Captain.

"Half a dozen, with luck," replied Pinkie Pie as her hoof hovered nervously above the plunger.

"Well we better make them count then, huh? How you doing Skittles?"

"Fan-fucking-tastic Captain," Rainbow Dash hissed, "any other stupid questions you feel like asking?"

"Good to see you can keep a sense of humor Skittles," he jabbed as the five kept retreating deeper into their circle. Underfoot he heard the sharp snap of a dry twig, that was all the motivation the wolves needed to lunge.

"Fuck," they cried in unison.

In an instant twisted forms of bark and vine were upon them. Hatchet drawn, Captain slammed the blunt head of the tool into the head of one of the eldritch monstrosities spraying sap and chips of wood in every direction before the rest of the body collapsed in a heap. His victory was brief, as another of the abominations threatened to tear out his jugular.

"They're tenacious fuckers ain't they?" shouted Applejack as she bucked one to splinters.

"Wouldn't be fun otherwise," retorted Rainbow Dash while breaking one's jaw off.

"You think this is fun Rainbow?" asked a bewildered Twilight as she blasted a pair of the beasts against a boulder.

"No, but it'll make one heck of a story to tell the grandfoals someday," the azure mare huffed as she finished the creature off.

"Less talkie more fighty!" shouted Pinkie as her party cannon blasted a wolf to pieces.

A timberwolf stood opposite Captain amid the chaos, barring gnarled wooden fangs as scarlet saliva dripped from it's maw. A pair of glowing green eyes cut across the battlefield as Captain dropped his hatchet, and pulled out the machete to deliver the next blow. What passed for muscles under the beast's bark skin tensed as it's hide shifted in place. Captain blinked, the wooden horror tore its way to the human, four pine paws tearing the dirt out from under them.

Before his mind could fully comprehend what had happened, his machete was lifted in a defensive stance. However instead of the satisfying crunch of wood on metal all that he could feel was a sharp pain in his left shoulder. Captain looked over, his shirt had torn free and bloody, stripped flesh now took it's place.

"AAAAA!" he cried as he held his bloody shoulder in a vain attempt to stanch the bleeding. *BOOM* roared Pinkie's cannon as it blasted away another of the creatures. Splinters flew all around him as more and more of the demons were dealt with. Slowly he looked up to see the knotted fangs of the timber wolf mere inches away from the unconscious forms of both Fluttershy and Rarity. Ignoring the pain in his shoulder, Captain picked up the machete and ran towards the eldritch horror. Each movement was torture as more and more blood dripped down his arm. He could see the stinking miasma dripping from the timberwolf's gullet gently caressing Rarity's cheek. Adrenaline pumped harder, and his muscles tensed. In one fluid motion, Captain brought the machete up, flipped the blade so the it pointed at the head of the timberwolf, and plunged the weapon deep into the wolf's body, next to its spinal column. The steel kept going until it exited the other side, and plunged deep into the earth, pining the wolf, legs splayed. Placing a hand on each leg, Captain put his heel to the handle of the machete, and pulled. Organs separated, and bones gave way beneath the force exerted, the man didn't stop pulling until the head of the beast lay in two pieces.

Captain chuckled sadisticly as he looked around, the mares had dealt with the rest of the pack, and Twilight was trotting over to him.

"Captain you're hurt," she said with visible strain in her voice. It was at this time that the man noticed drops of blood slowly dripping from the tips of his fingers, and onto the grass.

"So are you Twilight," he said as he pointed to a set of sanguine gashes along her back, slowly bleeding down her ribcage.

"Come on, I'm okay. You're bleeding, heavily. We need to get you to a hospital," she replied sternly.

"Why don't you take care of everyone else, I'll be okay for now. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if someone died on account of me. Besides I've already had my tetanus shot," he replied with a plaster smile.

"Alright, but at least let me bind your wound."

"Sure." Twilight levitated a small kit from the bags nestled in between Fluttershy and Rarity.

"Yeesh, that's gonna leave a nasty scar," said Rainbow Dash, who had several bite marks along her wings, and forelegs.

"You mean my free tattoo?" retorted Captain. "How's everyone else doing?"

"Fluttershy and Rarity are okay, AJ's got some scrapes along her back and hind legs. As for Pinkie she ran outta ammo just as we finished the wolves off, unfortunately, one slashed her leg, nothing serious. It actually looks like you got the worst of it."

"That's good," the man said as he leaned against the boulder.

"Not good Captain," said Twilight as she examined the wound, "you've got splinters in there deep."

"So, just pull 'em out."

"It's going to hurt, a lot."

"Do it," he said sternly as he placed the handle of his hatchet in his mouth and bit down.

"I'll try to get them all out at the same time."

Twilight's purple aura surrounded Captain's shoulder, and an instant later Captain's canines bit deep into the wooden handle of the hatchet.

"There, I think I got all of them."

Captain only responded with a whimper. Before Twilight could begin dabbing a cotton ball with alcohol, Captain grabbed the bottle and poured it on the open wound. For a second he only felt the cooling relief of water, as the alcohol washed away some of the blood which was already begining to dry. That was easily forgotten in the wave of burning that followed, as his blood mixed with the alcohol and splashed against the ground. By now an indentation of Captain's teeth was easily visible on the handle of the tool. Twilight then lifted some cotton pads out of the first-aid kit, and firmly pressed them against the lacerations on Captain's shoulder. Gently she surrounded the injury in gauze, and then bandaged it tightly in place.

"I treated the laceration as best I could, so as long as you don't move around too much, you should be good," she said.

"Come on, let's find the damned jewel so we can go back to the ship. I really don't feel like being attacked by some crazy-ass chicken lizard monster thing," he said as he walked over to the two unconscious mares lying on top of the party's bags. Pulling out his drawstring bag, he fished around a bit before pulling out his old, brown shirt, and changing

"We need to find the key, and quick. Unfortunately that means that we'll have to poke through all of these bodies."

"Alright but first... lets...," Captain trailed off, as a small pile of twigs began to glow, and float away.

Before their very eyes the fallen corpses of the wolves began to reassemble themselves into a single structure. Bits and pieces floated into place with startling precision, and soon enough a distinct skeleton began to take shape.

Vines snaked together, forming organs, and muscle, as empty eye sockets flared with glowing green embers. Jagged broken fangs erupted from the roof of the amalgamation's mouth, as a pair of logs formed its lower jaw.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?" shouted Captain.

"Oh no," cringed Twilight, "that's a goliath timberwolf."

The man stood on a pair of uneasy legs, threw his weapons deep into the loamy soil, and shouted up to the half-formed beast. "FUCK IT, I QUIT!"

"What!?" asked a bewildered Twilight.

"I quit I'm not gonna fight that thing. It's fucking huge. One of its legs is probably bigger than I am."

"Please Captain, we need your help," Twilight said behind a pair of tear filled eyes. "If you quit now, then nopony's going to be able to go home, not even you." The mare finished with a hint of fury.

"I can't believe that I'm actually going to fight a giant friggin' wood-monster thing," he mumbled. "Fine if I'm going to fight that thing I'm going to need a super soaker, some gasoline, a lighter, and an ass-load of tape."

"I got the super soaker," yelled out Pinkie as she pulled a water gun out from behind her.

"Do I even want to know where you were keeping that thing?" asked the man.

"I'll tell ya if you want," the pink mare replied as she pointed her rump in his general direction.

"On second thought, I really don't want to know."

"What," she asked as she reached a hoof into her tail, "my tail's got a lot of storage space."

"Ooookay. Now back to the task at hand," stated Captain loudly.

"Hoof," offered Pinkie.

"Hoof?"

"Yeah, task at hoof."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"WOULD YOU TWO QUIT DICKING AROUND," shouted Rainbow Dash, "THERE'S A GIANT ASS TREE-WOLF MONSTER THING REGENERATING LITERALLY NOT TEN FUCKING FEET FROM WHERE YOU'RE STANDING, AND YOU'RE ARGUING SEMANTICS."

"You're right Rainbow; Pinkie I don't suppose you have any gasoline stashed in your ass-fro do you?"

"That Cappy, I cannot say I have."

"Alright we'll have to improvise then. Twilight, how much alcohol do we have left?"

"About one and a half bottles."

"Great toss 'em both at me. Rainbow Dash, I'm going to need you to keep big birch over there occupied while I douse it in alcohol," he said as he poured the bottles of alcohol into the container.

"Got it," replied the mare.

"Pinkie, AJ I'm going to need you two to carry Fluttershy and Rarity to safety in case this dumb ass idea of mine doesn't work, leave the bags, they'll only slow you down. Oh, and AJ," Captain said as he pulled the machete from the dirt, "take this, you're going to need it more than we are."

"You betcha."

"You got it partner."

"Twilight what's the most powerful flame spell you have?"

"I can do a pretty advanced fire blast, but it's going to take a while to charge."

"Start it up now so it'll be ready by the time we're done with all of this crazy shit," he said as he emptied the bottles of alcohol into the squirt gun, and screwed the cap on.

"Okay."

"Alright, let's show this fucker why humans are at the top of the food chain," he said as he cocked the super soaker a few times.

An unearthly howl signaled that the goliath timberwolf had finished reforming, and was now preparing for a counter attack. With that the five set off to their respective positions. Twilight ducked behind a rock, and began to charge the fire spell. Captain, and Rainbow set off to soak the beast with alcohol. Pinkie and AJ carried the two unconscious mares to safety.

Rainbow struck first, leading with a quick blow to the side of the eldritch abomination's face. Captain followed her lead by soaking the beast's underbelly with alcohol. The powder blue mare tried repeating the tactic, but the timberwolf proved smarter than anticipated and swiped Dash out of the air with a massive wooden paw which knocked her into the trunk of a massive tree.

"Rainbow, you okay?"

"Nothing that's gonna keep me down Cap, keep shooting."

Captain jumped and dived to avoid the amalgamation's snapping jaws, and swiping paws all while pumping the alcohol at every inch he could hit.

"Twilight, you done with that spell yet?" he asked as a puff of air escaped the nozzle. "I'm out of alcohol."

"I need another minute at most," replied Twilight as beads of sweat rolled down her face.

"Dash, you up yet?" shouted Captain.

"Ready and waiting."

"Alright you circle around the thing, I'm going to try and draw its attention from here," the man said as he pulled out his hatchet, and avoided a swipe of the wolf's claws.

With a chromatic streak, the blue pegasus swerved around gnashing teeth, and flailing claws to reach the beast's hindquarters, where she delivered a wood splintering kick. A miserable yelp, and the smell of pine assured her that the damage had been great.

Faster than the eye could follow, an oaken head swung around to face Rainbow Dash. Rainbow's blood turned to ice, and her heart thundered in her chest as she stared down two rows of dripping teeth, while the beast's acrid breath slipped from its maw in translucent green tendrils.

"Over here you stupid wooden motherfucker!" shouted Captain as his hatchet flew through the air, and planted itself deep in the base of the timberwolf's skull.

The wooden behemoth spun, and faced Captain with a jagged smile gracing its lips. As quick as death, its massive jaws swallowed the man and a chunk of dirt beneath him whole.

"No! Captain!" shrieked Rainbow. Twilight said nothing but allowed a tear to fall from the corner of her eye as her horn kept charging.

Deep growls from the pit of beast's gullet reminded Rainbow of the danger at hoof. Now however she didn't care, she flew up the monster's spine, and to the back of its head where Captain's hatchet had buried itself. With a swift jerk, the iron head splintered the knot it had been lodged in which in turn drew a pathetic yelp from the beast. With the handle of the tool held firmly in her fetlock, Rainbow began to hammer blows onto the timberwolf's brow.

"YOU KILLED HIM. YOU STUPID. UGLY. MOTHER. FUCKING. PIECE. OF. FIREWOOD." She punctuated each syllable with a blow to the head. "HE WAS JUST TRYING TO GO HOME. AND YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM." Her screams degenerated into choked sobs as hot salty tears spilled down her face, and shook with every fall of the hatchet. Her final strike, nestled the bladed end deep in the goliath's forehead.

Although she had fought well, and caused good damage to the beast, the cracks in its head were already filling in with amber sap. Soon, saliva dripping fangs reared once more, and a sickly green tongue flopped out. The beast had begun to sway, and heave as it attempted to retch violently. Slowly Rainbow saw its jaws separate as a familiar voice began to shout obscenities.

"You wanna eat me bitch, well I got a news flash for you. I'm a FUCKING jaw breaker, and it's going to take more than a pile of termite infested toilet paper to kill me!" Captain bellowed as he climbed out of the wolf's throat, and into its mouth. Slowly cracks, and snaps filled the air as Captain pushed the jaws of the timberwolf away from one another. The tense seconds creeped by until finally a sharp snap broke the oaken monstrosity's jaw.

Captain panted heavily as he tumbled out of the creature's mouth, and landed with a thud on the ground. Captain's right hand held onto his bleeding shoulder. Except for the blood, and shirt soaked in wolf drool he looked no worse for the wear. The timberwolf panted heavily as its jaw hung languidly in place.

"Captain, Rainbow out of the way the spell's ready!" shouted Twilight as she stepped out from behind the rock she was hiding behind, and lowered herself into position.

Both the human, and the pegasus ducked out of the way before a blue ball of fire shot from Twilight's horn. The timberwolf turned to look at the lavender unicorn, the sapphire inferno rocketed down the beast's throat with a faint sizzle. Slowly tongues of flame licked up from the monster's throat, and its alcohol soaked hide went up in a sudden FWOMP. The beast flailed and thrashed as pockets of sap exploded beneath its bark hide. The wolf's jaw snapped back into place, and it gave a mighty howl. Now sheathed in flame, the beast searched for its prey. Orange tongues of fire licked at its blackening hide, as the goliath's head whipped around.

"Nopony make a sound," said Twilight as beads of sweat rolled down her face.

"But-"

"Shhhh."

Smoke and ash were carried on the breeze as the wolf burned in the distance, its face completely obscured by the inferno consuming its body. Slowly, Captain's nose began to itch, as the airborne particles drifted past his face. As the man's countenance contorted and he began to inhale sharply, a blue wing met his nose, and stopped his sneeze before it happened. Unfortunately, that didn't stop the lavender unicorn from alerting the beast to their presence. The beast, now with their location, tore after them, leaving flaming pawprints in its wake.

"SCATTER," shouted Rainbow.

With no more encouragement, the three split. The azure mare took to the skies, the man sprinted off to the right, and the unicorn galloped to the left as quickly as her hooves would take her. The trio fled as fast as they could and unfortunately one had to have been chased, Twilight took that honor.

"HEEEEEEELP!" shrieked the mare as the timberwolf closed the gap.

Planting his foot, Captain spun, and saw the flaming beast inhale deeply. When it exhaled, a torrent of flame erupted from its maw, burning everything in its path, thankfully however its aim was poor, striking only a few treew in front of Twilight, and scorching a few hairs on the unicorn's mane. Rainbow Dash swept down, and snatched the lavender pony out from the encroaching jaws of the goliath.

"Ugh... Twilight you've got to lose some weight," the Azure mare grunted as she hefted the unicorn into the air. "Hey Cap, a little help here."

"Yeah quit yelling," he said sarcastically as he ran to the boulder. "Rainbow lead him over here."

Dash swerved, keeping in the beast's sights, leading the flaming monster to the man. Rainbow strained as the weight of her friend drew greatly on her forelegs. Her wings flapping harder, and gained a few feet of height. Faster and faster the airborne pair raced to the rock, their only salvation. Just as the boulder passed beneath her gaze, Rainbow allowed exhaustion to take her, and the two tumbled past into the grass.

"HEY UGLY," Captain bellowed, "WANNA PIECE OF THIS SWEET MEAT, YOU GOTTA EARN IT!"

The flaming timberwolf barreled towards Captain. The man felt his muscles tense, and adrenaline pump through his veins. The beast took another great breath, and the sailor could see flame growing in the back of its throat. Before the fire could exit the wolf's mouth, Captain ducked out of the way. The inferno broke against the stone, blackened the boulder and charring the ground beneath it. A great crack filled the air, followed by a yelp.

As Captain stood, and felt a few burnt hairs on the back of his head, he could see the prone form of the goliath laying on the ground. Tongues of flame occasionally poked out from beneath its ribs, as its chest heaved slowly. Twilight and Rainbow crept out from behind the rock, and saw the wolf dying, slowly. Eventually, the life fled from its eyes, and its ribcage fell for one final time, it collapsed into a pile of burning wood.

The three stood there, bathed in orange light as their shadows danced in the dying fire. Carefully, the trio stamped out any stray embers. An hour later, and the last of the flames had died, leaving only piles of gray ash.

"Come on you two," Twilight said as she took a stick in her mouth, and pushed a small pile of soot away.

"Why aren't you using magic to clear the way, and why not use the locator spell some more?" asked Dash.

"My magic's drained, and besides the locator spell only works to about ten feet or so. We just have to keep poking around until we find it.

Slowly the other two grabbed a stick, and began poking around in the piles of ash. Captain heard a soft *clink* at the other end of his stick. Immediately he fell upon the source, and dug out the warm cinders. There he saw it, the iron head of his hatchet covered in soot with the handle reduced to charcoal.

"Well... shit," Captain exclaimed as he carefully pushed the still hot handle into the dirt.

"S-sorry Cap. I got sort of carried away," explained Rainbow nervously, "and left it lodged in the timberwolf's head."

"Don't worry about it," he said with a dismissive wave of his hand, "these things break all the time. The only problem's going to be finding a replacement."

"Hey guys quick," shouted Twilight, "I think I found the key."

Sure enough, when Captain and Rainbow walked over, there sitting among the dying embers, was a brilliant green, square-cut jewel. Grabbing a stick, the man flicked the jewel onto the grass, and picked up the stone. For a moment he held it in his grasp before the searing pain shot up his hand, and he dropped the emerald.

"Well I think I just got a little less stupid," Captain stated as he shook his hand furiously.

"Well that's what happens when you pull red hot rocks out of fires," the rainbow mare giggled from behind.

"I think I'll go water the plants real quick. Be back in a bit."

"Why are you going to water plants in the middle of the forest?" questioned Twilight.

"No, I mean I'm going to go take a piss."

"Gross," the mares responded in unison.

Captain kicked the head of his hatchet over to a bush, and proceeded to irrigate the shrubbery. A satisfied sigh escaped, as gentle sizzling and steam rose from the hot iron. Looking at the now cooled metal, the man kicked it into the sun to dry a bit before heading to the other two.

"So Twilight do you know where to go after this?" asked a raspy voice from behind a tree accompanied by a barely audible hiss.

"The other jewels are going to take me a bit longer to pinpoint, but they don't appear to be anywhere near Ponyville," replied Twilight. "I think it would be best if we went back home, and rested for a few days."

The azure mare stepped out from behind the tree, kicking out the emerald with her. Rainbow and Captain simply nodded in agreement, walked over to the scattered saddlebags, and picked up what they could.

With resigned sighs, the three located the path carved by Applejack and Pinkie Pie. The burnt stumps of branches and vines led the group back to the airship, and their friends.

"Ahoy," called Hemlock from the ship as she dropped the rope ladder.

One by one, the group climbed up the ladder, first Rainbow then Twilight,  and finally Captain. The man was having trouble due to his injured shoulder. Slowly, rung by rung, Captain ascended. After a while of avoiding looking at a purple flank, the man flopped onto the deck of the ship.

"Raise anchor, and shove off Hemlock," as his hand ran over his shoulder, "and make sure, that there's a hospital nearby."

"Um... sir, the word has been to obey miss Sparkle. Not you."

"Ah. Give the order number two."

"Uh... shove off, and uh raise anchor, me matey," Twilight said sheepishly.

"At once miss, and our heading?"

The purple mare looked at Captain, who only shrugged, and winced.

"Ponyville please." With a salute Hemlock was off. "Oh, before you go, could you tell us where everypony else is?"

"Everypony else is currently resting in their rooms, I believe that Spike was looking for you as well. He is currently in the observation deck."

Twilight turned to Captain, and Rainbow.

"You two go on a head, I'm going to go talk to Spike, I'll see you later."

"I think, I'll go hit the hay, all of this running, and blood loss has me feeling a bit *yawn* sleepy."

With that, the man and the azure mare departed.

"Why hit the hay, wouldn't you rather eat it?" asked Dash.