Captain's Travels

More jokes I can't find a place for

Captain sat in the town square lounging under a shady tree during a warm spring day; occasionally he caught stray glances from passersby. For the most part though everyone seemed friendly enough. That is until a blond maned, gray pegasus crashed into a nearby tree. The man jumped to assist the fallen pony, only to see the mare already up by the time he arrived.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Hey you're that guy that's staying at the library right?"

"Yes I am, they call me Captain" he said a bit smugly, "may I ask your name?"

"My name's Ditzy Doo, but most folks just call me Derpy."

"Its good to meet you Ditzy, I'm kind of surprised that more people aren't freaking out about me being here. After all I'm some crazy alien monster from another dimension."

"Oh Captain you give yourself far too much credit."

"Say what now?"

"Trust me you're not even close to being the weirdest thing that this town's ever seen."

"Come on!" he whined, "I've at least got to be pretty high up on the weird-shit-o-meter, right?"

"Nope not even close. If I had to put you on a scale I'd have to say, about a four and a half maybe five."

"I'm a hairless gorilla from another dimension that's constantly shouting obscenities, and threatening to murder people."

"Well in that case, I would have to bump you up to a six," she said jokingly.

"Then what has this place seen that is crazier than me?"

"Well a few years ago and ancient princess that had been trapped on the moon for a thousand years reappeared, and incited the first use of the Elements of Harmony in just as long."

"Well agreed that is pretty weird, bu-"

"Shh I wasn't finished yet," she said, "then there was the time when a dragon threatened to cover to cover the entire country in a haze of smog for one hundred years. Not to mention that there's a mare here that can accurately predict the immediate future accurately. Also there's this other one that can break the sound barrier on a regular basis, as well as one of the most powerful spell casters of this time."

"Yeah well I can... ah fuck it I don't know keep going."

"About a year ago there was this insane chaos monster that could bend reality to his will, who was later re-encased into his stony prison not a day later. A purple dragon attacked the town this one time, and kept stealing everything it could get its claws on. We've got apples that sprout at random times of year for seemingly no reason. A pair of brothers built a magical contraption that could do the work of four ponies. A mare led a giant three headed dog back to the gates of the underworld, returned, and then traveled back in time to warn herself about something. Two earth ponies are now the parents of twin foals, one is a pegasus the other a unicorn, and before you ask yes they are the biological parents a paternity test proved it. Also there was this army of love sucking bug monsters that invaded the capitol, kidnapped a princess, took her place, beat Celestia, and nearly married the captain of the royal guard."

Captain now felt a bit inept.

"I've heard stories about a giant shadow monster that almost took over the north, and re-enslaved an entire race of ponies. Also there are rumors floating around that Princess Celestia is planning or releasing the god-like chaos monster that was imprisoned, and trying to reform him so that she can use his powers for good."

"... ... ... yeah. I think I'm going to go take a nap now."

"I'm also going out with a time traveling superhero."

The moon was high in the sky, a few scant clouds drifted lazily in the cool evening breeze. The moon's pale light illuminated all save for a small campfire along the shores of the Ponyville lake. Eleven figures sat around the fagot, six mares, three fillies, a dragon, and a human. They sat in a circle, each clutching a stick with a skewered marshmallow.

"... the man thrashed about, as a blinding pain shot up his spine," Captain spoke darkly as it was his turn to tell a scary story. "In his thrashing, the man shook violently causing a lamp in the corner to fall, scattering glass all around and the filament died in the darkness. Thump... thump... thump. The only sounds he could hear were the beatings of his own heart. A cold sweat poured down his back, and his thoughts raced across the horrific situation he now found himself in.

Moonlight flittered in through the window as the clock in the living room struck twice. His heart skipped when a crack rang out in the silence. Reluctantly his voice cracked, barely above a whisper, 'h-hello?' He received no answer. With trembling hands he reached  deeply into his pockets, and fumbled with the contents. The sweat coating his hands made the simple task difficult as his prize eluded him repeatedly. After an eternity of trying, and out came a weathered aluminum flashlight. His fat,  clumsy fingers fumbled with the button, but the amber beam sparked to life.

He swept the light from side to side illuminating the slick tile. The immaculate surface reflected the light back at him, reminding him of how lonely he really was. He brought the beam to rest across the counter, and there his blood turned to ice at what he saw, or more precisely what he didn't see.

All to be found in the darkness was almost too horrifying to contemplate as his mind raced and his heart pounded, bile rose in his throat and a trembling took hold of his legs. What met his eyes was none other than... an empty roll of toilet paper."

"Wait what!?" demanded Scootaloo, "that was the least scary story I've ever heard."

"You'll be singing a different tune when you get the runs at two in the morning only to find an empty roll of toilet paper your sole companion."