Chapters Confessions of a changeling.
I walked up to her door and paused. Already, the nagging little voice was echoing faintly in my mind.
I shook my head in an attempt to clear the doubt from my mind. Now was not the time for panic. If I came this far, I'd be damned if I just turned back now. So I gathered up my courage again and knocked on her door.
The demure pegasus of my forbidden affections answered the door with that shy little face. As soon as she saw it was me, she immediately brightened up, face beaming like a light through the darkness.
"Thanks Fluttershy. I've come over because there's something I need to tell you." I said. She seemed a little flustered at this, but invited me in anyway.
"Please have a seat, if you want. Can I get you anything?" I shook my head and sat down on her armchair. She took a seat on the couch across from me, looking at me with a bewildered expression on her face.
"So, what is it that you wanted to tell me?" She asked. I took a deep breath.
"Well, I'm not quite sure how to put this..." I paused. How would I put this.
"I'm not... It's... You're... No, let's try this." Another pause to clear my throat before continuing.
"Fluttershy, I've known you for quite some time now. And all during this time, I've grown closer to you in a very personal fashion. But despite everything between us, I haven't been completely honest with you. You see, I have a very deep secret. Something that, between us, is ground-shaking." I stopped there and looked at her. She sat still, eyes locked with mine, ears at attention.
"I'm going to show you what it is." I said. I stood up and looked at her one last time in my guise. And then, I revealed my true self. I summoned the emerald green flames and set them on myself, being consumed in the familiar tingling sensation as fur and skin was erased from existence, and my exoskeleton was unearthed. The process may have only taken a brief moment or two, but it seemed to last forever.
"Z... Ziggy?!" She stuttered. I had truly shattered her world.
"Yes, Fluttershy. It's me, Zigzag." I looked away, unable to make eye contact with my favorite mare.
"The stallion you thought you knew is, in fact, a changeling. A lying, deceitful, disgusting parasite sucking away at the love you radiate. The most hated of species has been around you for years, and you didn't even know it." As I spoke I could feel my eyes begin to water, and I subconsciously cursed myself. I had resolved to do this with dignity, and I could no longer follow through. And I couldn't help but look at Fluttershy again. She, too, was on the verge of tears. And her mouth was partially open, as if she were trying to find words to say in response. But I beat her to the punch.
"I know you'll hate me, but I can't say I blame you. In fact, you're not the only one here. I hate myself, too. I hate myself for being such a horrid thing. For being a shell of what you are, and having to feed off you like a leech. I'm truly a repulsive creature." My tears were falling freely now. Tears of pity. My eyes were burning, and it felt like they were pressing into my skull. And as I spoke, I could feel my voice grow coarse and scratchy, like I had been shouting at the top of my lungs and my throat needed a rest. But still, I kept going.
"I don't know what I was thinking when I met you. You just had something... Different. Something else that nopony else had. And sweet Queen, was it amazing. Even from a distance I knew I wanted it, whatever it was.
"I was a fool to think I could keep this up. A damn fool. No better than my changeling brethren. But even they knew when to stop. I was so drunk on your love that I couldn't. I'd talked myself into believing that I could keep it up forever. That no one would know or find out, and that you'd be mine forever. But I was wrong. So very, very wrong, because a funny thing happened soon after: I discovered that I actually loved you back. It was an insanely ludicrous thing. How could a changeling love its victim?! Not only was it illogical- it was illegal. But it happened anyway. I fell in love with you. I fell in love with your mane, your eyes, your little squeaks of surprise, that way you hide in your mane when you're startled. Everything. I loved everything about you. And I could tell you loved me too. Your love was pure and uncorrupt, and it was more filling than anything in the world.
"Well, uh... I guess I'll leave then. Goodbye, Flutters. It's been the best time of my life." I made my way to the door and paused.
"I'm sorry I'm like this. Believe me, if there was a way to change it, I'd do it in a heartbeat." I hesitated for just a brief moment, straining my ears for anything I could use as an excuse to stay. But I didn't hear anything, so I left. I closed the door softly behind me and flew off into the evening sky.
Confessions of a changeling.
I had buzzed along through the forest staring blankly ahead. I had no destination and no objective, other than leaving my forbidden love behind me. I flew until my wings could barely twitch, and set off walking. I didn't know where I was headed. As I walked, I heard a faint conversation taking place somewhere ahead of me.
"Thanks fer lettin' us go with ya to tha forest, Twilight!" She sounded quite young. Ten maybe. No older than twelve.
"It was no problem, girls. Just promise you won't stray too far from me next time, okay?" This mare was much older. Somewhere in her early twenties. She was answered by a chorus of yeses. By now they were fairly close, if volume was anything to go by. I raised my head from the path I had been following and stopped. A mare and a trio of fillies were before me. The mare at the head of the group was a light purple unicorn. There was an orange pegasus filly, a white unicorn filly, and a yellow earth filly cowering behind her.
"T-Twilight?!" The little unicorn stuttered. The mare spread her legs to get in a ready stance.
"Don't worry, Sweetie Bell. I won't let it hurt you." She reassured the filly. The act in itself was actually quite the show. Such a willing sacrifice for the sake of a few little fillies. But I wasn't there to do anything to them.
"Don't waste your breath." I said harshly.
"Woah, there. Where do you think you're going?" Asked the mare.
"I'm not entirely sure. I'm just wandering around trying to forget about what's happened to me." I said. The purple unicorn cocked her head to one side, an eyebrow raised in a mix of surprise and confusion.
"Huh?" She stared at me for a minute or two, the gears in her head turning slowly as she gazed upon me. Eventually something clicked, and she leveled her head.
"Oh. I see what you're trying to do. Well, just so you know, it's not going to work!" She said with a proud smile. She must've thought I was using the PST 5. She was actually kind of cute the way she prided herself for such fast thinking, and a chuckle escaped me when I thought about it.
"Actually, if I wanted to jump you, I could've done it while you were pondering my statement. After all, it only takes a drop of doubt or hesitation to weaken a spell." I corrected.
"What? No it isn't! I should know about its use and preferability in select situations! I've studied it!" She shouted indignantly. Now that was a laugh! 'She should know'?!
"How should you know that? From 'A Pony's Guide to The Changeling Menace'?" I snickered.
"What?"
"It's a total joke. The changeling that 'divulged' the information the book is based on was telling his captors complete BS! The only truth in that book is the one sentence that pertains to the various tribes and gangs scattered across Equestria, and that was vague at best." I explained. The mare was absolutely dumbfounded.
"But... But I studied it extensively..." She muttered. Her eyes gained a horrified glaze, and soon I was deposited in an ungraceful heap on the ground. I picked myself up and dusted off the fine layer of dirt that collected on me, gazing towards the group of ponies as I did so. The mare, at this point, was so downtrodden and shocked that she was zoned out, staring at some point on the ground before her.
"Twilight?!" The little pegasus voiced the concerns of all of the fillies present. I tried my best to explain what was happening.
"Uh, yeah. I think I kinda... destroyed her mind." I said. The fillies looked at me in horror.
"What?!" They squealed in terror.
"Apparently she thought that book was legit, so she took everything in it literally and spent forever reading it. And, taking this into account, when I told her that book was fake, she kinda snapped. Guess she couldn't believe that all that effort was wasted." I explained. To drive my point home, I came up to her and lightly jabbed her in the side with a hoof. As expected, she didn't register a thing.
"Is she gonna be alright?" The young unicorn asked.
"Yeah. Set her up with some hard cider and a box of tissues, and she'll be fine in no more than an hour." I replied. I looked around and turned back to the fillies.
"In the mean time, we need to get her back to her house. Or back into town, at the very least. This place isn't exactly a park, you know." I said. With that, I situated the mare onto my back and took off in the direction that she was headed earlier, the fillies trailing closely behind.
"I assume you were headed back into town, right?" I asked. I twisted my head around and looked back to them.
"Yeah." The earth filly confirmed with a nod. I nodded to myself and continued on the path into town.
After ten minutes of walking along, the forest started to become more and more sparsely grown. A few more minutes and we'd be out of the forest entirely.
"Hold on a sec." I said. I came to a stop and summoned the flames that would grant me a disguise. I let the flames dance around and spread, feeling the familiar tingle as flesh and fur grew on my exoskeleton and was rooted to it. After the magic show was over, I had a set of wings and a coat of fur.
"Wow!" A trio of amazed voices came from behind me. I turned around.
"Oh, right. I forgot you were there." I said. The fillies ran up to me bouncing around with giddiness.
"That was amazing, mister!" The small unicorn said.
"Yeah! That was almost as cool as seeing one of Rainbow's practices!" The pegasus exclaimed.
"How' ya do that?!" Asked the earth filly. I chuckled at her and turned back around.
"I'll explain on the way to town." I replied. And once again, I was off, the fillies trailing behind with glee as I recounted the workings of changeling magic.
"It's a special kind of transfiguration magic, exclusive to changelings. The spell creates flesh, bone, and fur in the image the caster wishes, and grants the desired properties of the new body as well." The fillies exchanged confused looks.
"It does what now?" The earth filly asked.
"Grants properties. In other words, it makes the kind of body I want." I explained.
"The 'kind' of body?" One of the others asked.
"Yeah. Think of it like this: if I wanted to look like a pegasus, I'd need the body of a pegasus. The bones would need to be a pegasus's, and the body would need wings. Otherwise, I'd be more like a flightless pegasus or an earth pony with incorrect bone structure. If I can't fly, the purpose of the spell is no longer met." I explained. The fillies pondered my words.
"So, if the spell didn't make your body how it needed to be, you'd have to do it yourself." The diminutive unicorn said.
"Yes. That's the gist of it." I confirmed.
"Twilight would die to hear this." The orange filly said.
"Well if I'm still around when she wakes up, I'll tell her too." I said. And I probably would stick around for a while. I mean, it's not like I had anything to do now that Fluttershy hated me...
XXX
A bell sounded as I opened the door to Golden Oaks Library with Twilight lying comatose on my back and three fillies crowding behind me.
"Just a second!" A voice rang out. It belonged to a young male, and from what I was told by the fillies that I was with, I assumed it belonged to Spike. I gently slid Twilight off of me and looked around. The library was just as the fillies described it: big, round, and made of wood. A small purple reptile descended the staircase on the opposite side of the room.
"Welcome to Golden Oaks. Can I help you find anyth-" The dragonling had started to recite a standard greeting, but stopped when he saw Twilight lying on the ground. I started to speak immediately.
"We should get her some strong drink. Do you have any hard cider or ApplejackDaniels or something?" The young reptile nodded and rushed to the kitchen, returning momentarily with an unmarked bottle in one hand and a glass in another.
"Let's get her to bed." I said. Spike nodded and walked over to the staircase. I dragged Twilight to the base of the stairs and paused. I looked to the fillies standing by the door.
"You've all been a great help, but I can handle it from here." I said. The group took the hint and left after saying goodbye and good luck. With that, I started to drag Twilight up the stairs to her bedroom. Once at the top, Spike guided me to her bed. I laid her on it and brought a glass to her lips, coercing her to drink.
"Ah! What?! Where?! Wait... Huh?" She sputtered.
"It's alright, miss Sparkle. You're back in your room at the library. You've been out for a little over an hour, and the fillies have gotten home safely." I said gently. She blinked and looked at me in confusion.
"Who are you?" She asked.
"Zigzag. We met in the forest, remember?" She tilted her head in thought.
"Met in the..." Her eyes grew wide and she gasped.
"EEEEK!" She jumped up and quickly enveloped me in her purple aura.
"Hey! What the frick! Put me down!" I shouted.
"No way! You'll probably try to suck out my guts or something!" She said. I gave her the harshest stare I could, and she shied away.
"What?" She asked. I stared a hole through her head.
"Are you fucking kidding me? 'Suck out' your guts? Really?" You could hear the disappointment in my voice. She noticed, and gave a little blush of embarrassment.
"W-well, what would you do then?" I sighed and brought a hoof to my chin.
"If I tagged you as a food source, I would probably be screwed. There's nothing I could do at this point. In real life, I'll leave and probably never come back. Maybe I'll become a bard and travel to distant lands and write songs about how fucked I am. If I ever get out of wallowing in self-pity, that is." I floated there for a second before speaking up again.
"And, by the way, I think I've more than proved that I don't want to extract from you. I mean, I've exposed myself to you twice. Well, technically once, but only if you count the fact that you were out of it for the last hour." Twilight seemed more than curious by this fact, and plopped her hindquarters down on the floor so she could think.
"So, if you're not going to 'extract' from me, as you put it, why are you here?" She asked.
"I should think that's obvious. I'm helping you. Or, at least, I was until you came to. Now I'm trying to have a conversation in a civilized manner. And you can see that this's turned out just as well as back in the Everfree." That seemed to shut her up, surprisingly. She sat there and thought, and I floated in her magic, each looking at the other in silence. We looked at each other with piercing gazes: she had an acute sense of curiosity, and I was feeling slightly weary over the whole events of the day. I gave a reserved sigh and broke the figurative ice.
"Well, miss Sparkle, as fun as it is to sit here and stare at each other, I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass on it. I would prefer to be left alone right now, so if you could just put me down I'll be out of your mane." Twilight didn't make a move.
"You're not gonna let me go, are you?" I asked. I already knew the answer, but reiteration never hurt anyone.
"SPIKE! Take a letter!" She shouted. A second later, the purple dragon from earlier stumbled up the stairs. Twilight didn't even bother to check on him, choosing rather to go into a monologue for him to dictate.
"Dear Princess Celestia..."
Fuck.
Confessions of a changeling.
Twilight and I waited in tense silence. I floated in her aura while she sat on the couch, observing me like one would a colorful insect. I guess that makes sense though; I am similar to an insect in appearance.
"She gonna be much longer?" I asked. Twilight simply shook her head. She never broke eye contact or anything, just kept staring at me with a cold gaze. In the background a clock could be heard, ticking away each agonizing second we spent in each other's presence.
"Hello, Princess Celestia. Thank you for coming so quickly." She said to the floor. Celestia gave a nod and flashed a tender smile and motherly look.
"Of course, my student. This is a rather pressing matter, after all." She replied. She looked toward me and switched to a look of one-hundred-percent neutrality.
"So this is the changeling you have apprehended." She stated. Twilight rose from the traditional ass-kissing stance and looked toward me as well.
"Yes, your majesty. He is most peculiar." Celestia walked up to me and gave me a once-over before turning to Twilight again.
"You may release him, Twilight Sparkle. I have reason to believe he will not cause any trouble." Twilight gave her a confused look for a moment, but quickly regained her composure and dropped me like a sack of potatoes. I hit the floor with an audible 'thump', and gave her a dirty look.
"If this is how you express gratitude, I'd hate to piss you off." I grumbled. This got me two different reactions. The most intersting came from Twilight. She gave an indignant gasp and frowned. Celestia raised her eyebrows, but otherwise remained neutral.
"Excuse you! Foul language is not appreciated in the Princess' presence!" She said. I snorted and shook my head.
"Foul language? That's not foul language, that's a foal's curse! I use much worse language all the time! I could swear a blue streak that'd make a sailor blush! I'm holding back everything, okay? If I used what I consider a lesser curse, you'd probably slap me in the face!" Twilight's look of disgust grew.
"I should slap you anyway! Absolutely no foul language of any kind is tolerated! Even the most senior Generals hold their tongues in her presence, and you think you're an exception?!"
"She's not my Princess!"
"She is the co-ruler of Equestria!"
"Doesn't mean I bow to her!" It was at this point that Celestia decided to interject.
"That's enough from both of you!" She looked at Twilight with scorn.
"Twilight Sparkle, I may have expected this sort of behavior from my castle's staff, but I certainly didn't expect it from you! I do not need assistance in correcting someone who uses incorrect language in my presence, nor do I ask it of you. Besides that, I think I'll be alright if an occasional school-level curse slips from this creature's lips." Then she turned to me.
"As for you, I shall have you know that I am the co-ruler of the entire land. And as so, all that dwell in this land are my subjects. Being of a different species does not merit having a ruler that you allow to claim power over me." I stared at her.
"You're talking about Chrysalis, right?" I asked. Celestia gave a pert nod.
"Yes, she is." I raised my eyebrows and blew through my teeth.
"Well. It appears you're a bit out of the loop, Princess. Chrysalis was out on her "royal" flank just after the Royal Wedding." Twilight looked at me incredulously, and Celestia kept her pokerface of stone.
"Leave us, Twilight. I wish to speak to this changeling alone." Twilight gave a slight bow.
"Yes, princess." With that she trotted upstairs. Celestia did not continue until she heard a door close. This was it: one on one with the most powerful pony in Equestria.
"Your words strike me as strange, Zigzag." She said. She walked over to an end table, which had a small stack of plates and teacups sitting on it, as well as a teapot that sported freshly brewed tea. She levitated a plate off the stack and placed a teacup on it.
"You see, until this point, it was assumed that Chrysalis was still in power, and had possibly been planning another attack for the future. As a result, we have enforced a curfew along our borders on the Everfree and set up a regular patrol route." She gently hovered the teapot over her cup and tipped over slightly, causing the hot brew to spill forth.
"While that does sound interesting, I fail to see why it should concern me." I said. Celestia looked at me over her cup and took another dainty drink before answering.
"If what you say is true, Zigzag, then we very well could eliminate the Everfree patrol and curfew altogether. Send our forces to other areas in more need of assistance." I looked into my cup and thought about it.
With most of their efforts geared towards the Everfree, they most likely had an under managed northern border. And, with trouble appearing, they would need a way to solve the problem fast. And, unless they suddenly had a huge surge of volunteers, they'd need to draw troops from somewhere else...
"Oh, I see. Taking this new information into account, you could reinforce your north border and snuff out whatever trouble's been brewing out there." I took another, slightly smaller sip and glanced at her.
"But, unfortunately, there is no way to authenticate your source. How do you know this couldn't be a way to divert attention and pull another attack while you're preoccupied?" Celestia nodded and refilled her cup.
"You understand my situation rather well, Zigzag." She commented. I nodded and took another sip before answering.
"Your compliment is appreciated, but not necessary." We both sat there in silence for a while. The more I studied her, though, the more absentminded she seemed.
"Zigzag?" She asked.
"Yes, princess?"
"You may or may not know this, but there is a book that reportedly has information regarding changelings and their society and culture."
"Yes. I'm not the only one who's familiar with it. Every changeling in the Everfree knows about the book, and it's actually quite humorous to most." Celestia paused momentarily before taking another sip.
"Really? And why would one find it humorous?" She asked.
"Because the book is completely falsified in every way." She cast a sideways glance.
"And what, pray tell, makes your statement valid?"
"Unless you have some sort of lie-detector, I have no way to prove myself. You'll just have to take my word for it." Celestia put her teacup down.
"Well, it just so happens that I do." Her horn began to glow, and a second later a small vial had materialized before us. She quickly grabbed it in her magic and emptied its contents into my cup.
"Finish that cup and we can begin." She instructed. I took my time sipping at it. Once I had finished, she took a seat on Twilight's couch and gestured to a chair, which I promptly occupied.
"So, you say that the previously mentioned book is falsified. Do you claim your previous statement true?" She asked.
"Of course I do. The information for that book is perhaps the biggest lie to ever leave a changeling's mouth."
"And are the changelings of the Everfree planning another assault on Canterlot."
"No. Definitely not. We're too busy trying to find an alternative food source and running from hunting parties to do anything."
"Have you had any success in finding an alternative food source?"
"No dice. Since word of Chrysalis's endeavor has spread, ponies are on much higher guard than before, and often see through our disguises. We've been living off game from the griffon's hunting grounds, but that's running out fast. We'll have to move on by next summer." Celestia sat in silence, taking it all in.
"You said something about hunting parties?" She asked. Whatever passive expression I had before was now gone.
"Yeah. Apparently, it's a real hoot to go out with your buddies and mass murder changelings." The Princess raised her eyebrows, but otherwise maintained a neutral expression.
"You know, for shits and giggles." I said sternly.
"I could go into detail on the usual process, but you might not be able to hold your tea when you hear it." Celestia gave a slight nod.
"Yes, perhaps details should be spared." She said. Her gaze drifted out one of the windows as she slid into reverie. I refilled my cup and drank again. After perhaps a minute of silence, Celestia returned to the world.
"Zigzag, I have a proposition for you." She said. I put my teacup on my plate and looked at her.
"I will recall my troops from the Everfree border and send them where they are needed. I will also ban changeling hunting. But there is something I want from you in return." She looked at me again.
"And that would be...?" I asked. Celestia shifted position so she was taller and looked down on me.
"In exchange for these actions, you will provide my student with information regarding changeling culture, society, hive infrastructure, and other related topics during allotted sessions." She said.
"And to insure that this information is truthful and reliable, you will be dosed with Nectar of Truth before and during each session." I brought a hoof to my chin and rubbed it thoughtfully. I studied Celestia as I considered her offer. I could care less about border patrol, but a lack of hunting parties would greatly help my hive. Not only my hive, but every hive on Equestrian soil! This would give everyone time to rebuild and regroup! To gather food and plan hunting strategies! It was beneficial to both parties involved.
"It seems like an excellent deal to me, Celestia. What you propose has benefits for all." I got to my hooves, and Celestia followed suit. I stuck out a hoof towards her for a moment, retracting it just as she reached out.
"Before I sign off on anything, though, we need to hammer down details. There are a few things I want to go over." I said. The Princess gave a nod.
"Of course." She replied. I cleared my throat and looked her in the eye.
"First, where will I be staying? I doubt you'll want me to return to hive, so I assume I'll be staying somewhere in town." Celestia gave a small chuckle before answering.
"Thoughtful, I see. Well, to answer your question, I will arrange your stay in town, as you have thought. There are a few possibilities as to where exactly, so I will be sure to have you notified once I have determined the best possible location." With that out of the way, I moved on to my next concern.
"Something else I need to know is whether or not I get to keep my magic."
"Your magic?" She asked.
"Yeah, my magic. As in whether or not I can disguise myself." I said. Celestia nodded again.
"Ah, yes. Well, I suppose having an undisguised changeling in town would raise alarm... Very well, your magic shall not be removed." Everything so far was turning out well.
"I need a food source." I stated.
"I need either love or fresh blood directly from the target." Celestia tilted her head as she contemplated this.
"Oh dear. How might this be solved, I wonder?" She asked aloud.
"Have you been in the area before?" I hesitated before giving a slight nod.
"You familiar with the area, then?" She asked. I once again hesitated before giving another nod.
"You know the risks of hunting in this particular stretch of the Everfree, as well?" This incited another nod.
"Then I'll leave the task of gathering food to you." She said. With all of my questions answered, I offered my hoof to her for a second time.
"I believe we have reached an agreement." I said. Celestia accepted my hoof and nodded.
"It would seem so, Zigzag." She replied. And, having exhausted all possible venues of conversation, she left the library and retreated to her chariot. I followed her, Twilight trailing behind me somehow. We both sat just outside of the door and watched Celestia climb in. Once she had situated herself, she looked back to us and smiled that motherly smile.
"Farewell, my faithful student. Your hospitality is most welcoming." She said. Twilight immediately bowed again.
"Thank you, Princess! It was an honor, as always." She replied humbly.
"I'm afraid I am needed in Canterlot, so I must leave now. Zigzag will fill you in on the current situation. Goodbye and good luck, Twilight Sparkle." At Celestia's goodbye, the chariot began to take off. We both sat there and watched the princess ride off to Canterlot: Twilight in slight awe and wonder, and I with a great deal of disinterest. I looked to the unicorn.
"I'll be inside when you're ready to talk." I said. I turned and walked back into the library, Twilight hot on my hooves. I made my way over to a chair and settled into it. Twilight did the same to a chair across from me.
"So what's going on now?" She asked.
"Well, to make a long story short, I'm gonna be staying in town and telling you everything about changelings." I said. Twilight blinked in surprise.
"Really?" She asked.
"Yeah. I'm supposed to tell you everything about everything." I replied. Twilight sat there for a moment before she started ginning. Her smile grew and grew until it was barely contained by her face.
"You alright? You look like you're gonna fuckin' explode." I said. Twilight's smile fades instantly, replaced by a look of extreme irritation.
"I would appreciate it if you watch your language around me." She growled. I threw up my hooves.
"Alright, mare. Calm your nips." Twilight's face quickly shifted to a disgusted rage.
"Excuse me?!" She said.
"Twilight, your nipples are swollen with rage. Calm them." Twilight sat upright, still looking disgusted.
"Ugh!" She grunted. She got up and stormed off.
"Put some Aloe-Vera on them and rub it in; that should bring the swelling right down." I shouted after her. I looked around the room and found that Spike had been standing by the door to the kitchen, listening in on our conversation.
"This won't end well." He stated. I raised my hooves up slightly and pointed them outward.
"I ain't even mad." I said. Spike just sighed and rolled his eyes and walked into the kitchen. I was now the only one in the room.
"Well, it's turning out great so far." I muttered.
Author's Note
Due to a more adult themed joke in this chapter, I have raised the rating to teen. Just to be on the safe side.
