Welcome to the Internet.

Ch 1: In Which Google

Day 25

        Ace is a cool cat, no, an awesome cat, but if he wakes me up before my alarm ONE MORE TIME I’m gonna kill that little bastard. Speaking of Ace, I haven't seen him since he woke me up this morning...anyways, back to the story.

        A couple days ago, I received a letter from the Princess saying I had to teach Twilight about the giant database in my possession, also known as the Internet. Well, I wasn't going to do it. When a guard showed up at my door threatening to throw me in jail, however, I folded and the lessons began. This is the first day of class. And Twilight insisted we have class at the Library.

        I had already set up all the equipment I would need. Computer, my nice canvas chair, and my portable generator I made from my bike. Pro tip: all you need to make electricity is a magnet and some copper wire. The magnet replaced my tire and the copper wire was wrapped around it, and as I pedal the magnet spins super fast and bam! Power.

        Twilight was sitting on a reclining chair and Spike was on the couch eating popcorn.  Standing up and and popping my knuckles I began. “Due to my not wanting to go to jail I will be instructing you on the Internet. So without further ado, welcome to the Internet. I will be your guide. Now, what do you want to know?”

        “What?” Twilight asked while tilting her head slightly.

        “Ask a question.”

        “Oh, uhh...what is a human?”

        (Disclaimer: I will be using Wikipedia for most of this as it is easy, not sure how plagiarism laws affect me over here but I will try to make it my own.)

        “Splendid.” I pulled out my wireless keyboard and began clicking away. “Humans, or Homo sapiens, are primates of the family Hominidae. Humans are characterized by having a large brain relative to their body size, with a particularly well-developed brain making them capable of abstract thought and very, very good at problem solving.

“This mental capability, combined with an adaptation to bipedal locomotion that frees the hands for manipulating objects, has allowed humans to make far greater use of tools than any other living species on Earth, mainly because of our thumbs. Humans are the only species that build fires to cook their food. We are also the only known species to wear clothes and make art.

        “Humans have been on Earth ranging from anywhere to six or seven thousand  to millions of years, depending on your religion and beliefs.” I stopped for a moment to catch my breath and field questions. “Any questions?”

        “Near the end you said humans were on Earth for six to seven thousand to millions of years. Why is it varied so much?” Twilight asked while floating a quill up.

        “Well, there are many many religions on Earth and all of them have a creation story. The age of the earth has been debated because people don't get along. Now, let’s have a question that has nothing to do with what I have said previously.”

        “Hmm...oh, I know!” Twilight exclaimed. “As with science, everything has rules. Are there any rules to this Internet thing?”

        “Yes there is, but I will have to ask Spike to leave the room. Some of the rules are NSFW, or ‘Not Safe For Work,’ meaning inappropriate.”

        “Technically, I’m seventeen in dragon years.”

        “Fine then you can stay. Here we go: (I will be using the ones from Urban Dictionary)

“Rule 1. Do not talk about /b/-”

        “What's B?”

        “What part of don't talk about /b/ did you not get?”

“Rule 2. Do NOT talk about /b/.

Rule 3. We are Anonymous.”

“What's Anonymous?”

“The act of being unknown.”

“I know that but-”

“Moving on.” Twilight raised her hoof trying to get more information but decided it was too much trouble and continued scratching down notes.

“Rule 4. Anonymous is legion.

“Rule 5. Anonymous does not forgive, Anonymous does not forget.

“Rule 6. Anonymous can be a horrible, senseless, uncaring monster.

“Rule 7. Anonymous is still able to deliver.”

“Most of these seem repetitive.”

“I think they were made that way to reinforce or strengthen the idea, Spike.”

“Seems stupid to me.”

“Rule 8. There are no real rules about posting.

“Rule 9. There are no real rules about moderation either — enjoy your ban.”

“What’s a ban?”

“To be banned is to be banished from the web page so that you cannot post there anymore.

“Rule 10. If you enjoy any rival sites — DON'T.

“Rule 11. You must have pictures to prove your statement.”

“What's that mean?”

“If I say I saw a flying dragon with wings made of out hotdog buns I need a picture of it to show others I’m telling the truth.

“Rule 12. Lurk moar — it's never enough.

“Rule 13. Nothing is sacred.

“Rule 14. Do not argue with a troll — it means that they win.”

“What's a troll?”

“Someone who is a dick to make people mad.” Twilight had given up writing notes at this point and began to stare in confusion at the list she had already written down.

“Rule 15. The more beautiful and pure a thing is, the more satisfying it is to corrupt it.

“Rule 16. There are NO girls on the Internet.

“Rule 17. A cat is fine too.

“Rule 18. One cat leads to another.

“Rule 19. The more you hate it, the stronger it gets.

“Rule 20. It is delicious cake. You must eat it.

“Rule 21. It is a delicious trap. You must hit it.”

“What does it mean by trap?”

“Man dressed as a woman.”

“What does ‘hit’ mean in that rule?”

“Sex.”

"What?"

“MOVING ON!” By this point Spike had began bashing his head into the arm of the couch out of frustration and confusion.

“Rule 22. /b/ sucks today.

“Rule 23. Cock goes in here.

“What's a--”

“Rooster.”

“Rule 24. You will never have sex.

“Rule 25. ????

“How did you just say ????...how did I just say ????...Twilight I’m freaking out.”

“Rule 26. PROFIT!

“Rule 27. It needs more Desu. No exceptions.”

“Do I want to ask what Desu is?” Twilight said with an exasperated moan.

“It is.”

"What is?"

“Desu.”

“Rule 28. There will always be more fucked up shit than what you just saw.

“Rule 29. You can not divide by zero (just because the calculator says so).

“Rule 30. No real limits of any kind apply here — not even the sky

“I'm afraid to ask at this point but limits to what exactly?”

“Haven't the foggiest, Twi.”

“Rule 31. CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL.

“Rule 32. EVEN WITH CRUISE CONTROL YOU STILL HAVE TO STEER.

“Rule 33. Desu isn't funny. Seriously guys. It's worse than Chuck Norris jokes.”

“What’s a Chuck Norris?”

“When the universe was first made, Chuck Norris's beard was the fiber of reality. When God said ‘let there be light,’ Chuck Norris said ‘say please.’ When Chuck Norris does a push up the earth moves instead of him, and behind his beard is not a chin but another fist.”

“Twilight, will you hold me? I'm scared.”

“There are two more rules that I won't tell you unless you are sure you want me to tell you.”

“They can't be any worse than the nonsense you just finished spouting...”

“They're pretty bad.”

“I can handle it. Tell me.”

“Fine.

“Rule 34. There is porn of it. No exceptions.

“Rule 35. If no porn is found of it, it will-”

“What's so bad about that?”

“Porn, in this case, is inappropriate pictures of people or things engaged in sexual acts.”

“So...”

“Twilight you remember that video I showed you that started all this?”

“Yeah?”

“You are on the Internet...no exceptions.”