Written In Derp

   Everything was happening so fast for Doctor Whooves, he could barely stand on four legs.

   "Things are going BAD!" he said to himself. "How are you going to get out of this one, Doc? Oh, come on! You've fought intergalactic monsters for Celestia's sake! You can handle your woman! Well, she's not MY woman--" he slapped himself. "That's not important, fool! Right, right. Calm. Think. Think! I'VE GOT IT! It's still raining outside and Derpy wouldn't want her novel to get wet, so I have a window of opportunity to destroy it while it's still here! Gosh, WHY do I keep talking to myself?"

   "Doc? You wanna come out and read it?"

   "Oh, she's making this too easy." he whispered deviously. "Coming Derpy!"

   When he arrived in the living room a pile of about fifty pages (plus author's notes) sat on the table.

   "Well go on! Read it!" commanded Derpy.

   "Alright." he said. He smirked devilishly as he turned away from her and began to read the title page. "Okay, think. How do I dispose of it?" he thought. His eyes darted around the room, looking for a believable mode of destruction. Window. "No. Too far-fetched." Ceiling fan. "How would I even get it up there? And there's no guarantee it will shred all of the pages." Fireplace.

   "Perfect." he said aloud.

   "What is?"

   "Oh, erm... the title, it's great." he said (although he hadn't even read the title). "Now or never, Doc." he thought.

   He did an unconvincing trip, sending the papers flying into the small blaze.

   "Oh, nooo!" he said monotonously "I'm so sorry!"

   "Oh, my gosh! Are you okay?" said Derpy with a frightening level of urgency.

   "Did she really buy it?" he thought. "Yeah, I'm fine. I truly wish I could say the same for your novel." he said.

   "Oh, don't worry about that. You don't have any bruises? Scrapes?" she said, patting him down like a cop to a suspected drug dealer.

   "No, nothing. Wait, did you just ask if I was okay before checking the book?"

   "Yeah. Why wouldn't I? I love..." she stopped herself. Doctor Whooves stood waiting. "... To help my friends! Yeah, I love helping!" she said raising a hoof in the air. She blushed heavily.

   "Oh, okay. But what about your book?"

   "Oh, it's cool."

   "Erm, I don't think it is. Your entire novel just went up in flames. Literally."

   "No, really. It's fine."

   "You sure?"

   "Yep! Totally fine."

   "Okay, as long as it's fine with you--"

   "Because I made a copy!" she said happily as she held up another copy of her fic. This one sat snugly in a binder with the title page on the front of the binder. "The Timey-Wimey Adventures of Doctor Whooves and Derpy".

   Doctor Whooves felt like he was going to pass out. He wobbled about until Derpy righted him.

   "Oh dear, Doc. You're looking pale, you okay?"

   "Yes, I'm... fine. I just need a lie down."

   "Do you need any tea?"

   "Although your tea is delicious, I will have to decline on your offer." (He wasn't lying this time. Derpy's tea is delicious!)

   "Oh, okay. Let me know if you need anything."

   "Thanks."

   "Oh, um, do wanna read the fic in bed?"

   Doc stopped in his tracks. "This could be your only chance to be rid of it!" he thought.

   "No thanks, Derpy. I'm good." he said as he walked on into his bedroom. He closed the door and immediately punched himself in the face.

   "FOOL! OF ALL THE STUPID THINGS!! WHY THE BUCK DIDN'T I TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY!?" he yelled. He facehoofed into bed. "Screw life. I'm staying here. I'm done with adventures and timey-wimey stuff and everyone, including...." he paused. "Derpy." He forced the name out of his mouth painfully. He nearly vomited at the thought of shutting her out of his mind. He couldn't bring himself to do that and he knew it.

   The rain outside slowly but surely died down as the pegasi weather team moved the clouds away.

   "YESSS! Doc, I'll be gone for a little bit. I have to go get this thing on FiMFiction!" yelled Derpy from the living room. He heard the door slam shut and saw Derpy flying as fast as she could toward Twilight Sparkle's library. He sank lower into his TARDIS blankets and groaned.