My Rustled Jimmies

Somewhere along the line in my blind journey through the castle, I lost consciousness. When I had awoken, my limbs were restrained and I was still unable to see at all. The sound of hooves clopping across the hard floor approached me; I struggled vainly, but anyone could tell that escape was out of the question. The twinkling sound of a Unicorn’s magic was followed by the same blue glow from before. The sack pulled over my head was ripped off and I was once again face-to-face with Twilight’s brother, Shining Armor. I was still shaken up from my original encounter and stuttered as I talked.

“ Wh-where am I?” I asked, eyes darting frantically about. My limbs were tied down on a rack that was seemingly built just for my kind, being too large for the ponies I’d seen. I felt the cold metal and wood structure against skin, and upon looking down, I realized that I was only wearing my MLP shirt at this point. The room was confining and much darker than the rest of the castle; the walls and floor were the same chestnut brown cobblestones and the only light in the room was from a dim lantern hanging low from the ceiling; it casted long shadows over the floor from several other restraining contraptions crowding the room. But wait, how could I be sure that I was still in the castle?

“ You tell me; you must have an idea, considering you’re wearing a shirt with a photo of my little sis and her friends on it.” He said coldly. I knew I was in deep shit; perhaps wearing this shirt was not the best idea for a first impression. But I felt strangely determined to get a simple answer out of him, so I tried again.

“ Are we still in the cas-“
“ ENOUGH QUESTIONS, SHITFUCKER!” Shining barked, breaking my question and causing me to flinch. The stallion put a grimy hoof to his chest,

“ I’m in charge, here. So I ask the questions and you answer them, understand? But before anything, I’ve got to make sure there’s no more of you ugly humans coming through that portal.” Behind him, a heavy metal door creaked open and two hefty Earth stallions walked in. One was a bone white with a cutie mark of two wooden stakes; the other was the same bone white with a cutie mark of a pile of rocks. They looked identical, other than the cutie marks that gave me many terrifying predictions as to what’s to come. Both stared without emotion, or blinking for that matter; Shining Armor gestured to them.

“ Sticks and Stones will soften you up a bit while I’m gone. Just to make sure you’re ready to talk about your homeland.” Shining Armor then turned to leave us. Sticks and Stones, seriously? It was not really all that funny, considering my predicament, but I let out a quiet scoff, anyhow. Just then, Shining Armor twisted back around and glared at me, bearing his dirty teeth.

“ Oh, so we got a tough guy here, huh?” Oh shit. Oh shit! He heard me. Now they’d surely show me how they got their cutie marks, be it impaling stakes into my hands, or… Whatever the stones may imply. Perhaps he stones his victims to death, or piles rocks on top of them until they are crushed under the weight. I had no idea what to expect from these ponies, considering the darker aspects of their world such as torture were never exactly covered in Friendship is Magic.

“ Well good,” he smiled cruelly, “ Sticks and Stones love tough guys. And you know what? I know enough about human anatomy to know that your balls hang out like a couple of cherries.” Why did Shining Armor know anything about human anatomy, and why would he abruptly bring up testicles to a prisoner, unless…I gasped; surely Twilight’s brother would not be capable of such torture!

“ Wait!” I hollered desperately, “ I’ll tell you anything, ANYTHING! You don’t have to torture me!” But he just shrugged and kept walking.

“ Well, just to make sure, we’re going to do it anyway. See ya!” He left, and then it was just myself, and the two large stallions that were about to shatter my testicles into a million pieces still in the room. They stepped closer and I immediately lost control; I thrashed against my restraints and screamed as loud as I could, hoping somepony somewhere with less cruel intentions would hear and come to my rescue.

“ Stop! STOP DAMMIT I’M FUCKING SORRY! I’LL GO HOME AND NEVER COME BACK JUST DON’T BREAK MY NUTS GOD PLEEEAAASE!”

I sobbed into my shoulder and braced myself as the two silent ponies approached. I heard gears turning, and the binds on my arms and legs tightened; the sound of leather straining against the rack’s metal frame made me think of my muscles and ligaments which were being tugged just as tightly with every inch lost to the revolving gears.

I heard one of the ponies moving items off of a table to my side, something heavy and metal. I peaked, but could not see a thing, other than the upper half of one of the two similar ponies leaning on the rack. I shut my eyes tight again.

“ Alright, alien. After we take away your… mating privileges, you can tell the captain all about what you’re doing here.” Said Sticks… or Stones, I wasn’t sure. But the voice was low and menacing enough to make my heart leap a bit. I turned my head, seeing one of them standing to my right, and the other came around to stand beside him; in his jaws, he held a strangely shaped vice-looking sort of thing. It was matte black, probably made of iron or some pony equivalent. The pony began making his way to my lower half and I started thrashing again. They can’t do this, they’re PONIES! They love friendship, and kindness, and all sorts of other things, but THIS WAS NOT IN THE SHOW!

“ Come on, guys! You-you don’t have to do this! I’ll talk. I’LL TALK!” I screamed, shifting my body as far from the pony’s tool as possible, but it was not far enough.

“ Actually, we’d prefer if you kept your mouth shut.” Said the one next to my bound legs, now holding the vice thing in his hooves.

I could see his cutie mark as he closed in. Stones, the pony who did this was Stones… Now I get it, these guys must think they’re absolutely hilarious. Bastards.