Adventures of a Man turned Beastly

Another update?! I'm on a roll!... yes, I know. Bad pun. Armadillos roll, y'know?

Disclaimer: Do I even need to say it? Fine, fine..... I don't own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or any characters contained within this story except for Mundo.

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I'm laying on my side under a tree at the edge of Ponyville, roughly a week after the last major fiasco, trying to take a nap. Keyword: trying.

-poke poke-

About an hour after I got there, some brave/stupid colt wanted to prove to his buddies that he was awesome, so he's trying to rile me up by poking me in the belly, with his friends watching. Yes, I tried talking to them, but it turns out that Discord's magic didn't last long. You'd think that a nearly-omnipotent being would be able to make a spell stick, right? Guess not.

-poke poke-

/It's not going to work, buddy, go somewhere else./

-poke poke-

/Seriously, go away./

-poke-

/Don't make me eat you./

-pokepokepokepokepokepoke-

/Alright, that's it./ He's moved up my body to poke me in the head with his hoof. Big mistake. I roll over and trap him under my arm while still feigning sleep. His buddies start laughing at his misfortune and come over to try and pull him out. I lift up my head a little bit and open my eyes, the act itself not enough to reveal to the trapped pony that I'm awake, and hold a claw up to my mouth, signaling them to be quiet. Wide-eyed, they nod and back up a little. I quickly lean up all the way to quickly snatch up the pony, belch in his face, then set him down and push him towards his buddies, who by this point are rolling on the ground looking like they're going to bust a gut laughing. The gassed pony staggers drunkenly towards his buddies, just making them laugh harder. I wave them off and attempt to go back to sleep.

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a few hours later, probably about noonish

-poke poke-

/If that pony's back, I'm going to eat him, I swear I will!/

I lean up and who do I see poking me in the side this time? A random unicorn with a dual-toned, electric-blue, messy mane/tail combo with a white coat and musical note cutie mark. I yawn and sit up, slowly so as not to scare her. I shouldn't have bothered. She doesn't look the type to scare easily.

“Hey big dude, could ya give me a hoof with moving my kit and breaking in some new gear? The name's Scratch, Vinyl Scratch but you can call me DJ P0N-3.” I look where Vinyl is now pointing and see what looks to be a large pair of speakers, just sitting in a cart with some various other, smaller speakers and a turntable, as well as a lot of wires in a box.. Grunting, I heave myself to my feet and nod. Vinyl grins and motions to the cart. “Great! Come on, those Wubmaster 5k's won't move themselves.”

/So much for my nap. Wait, where am I going to have to pull these?/

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/Why did I ask that stupid, STUPID question..../ Just for the record, the answer was “Across town”, yet somehow Vinyl picked a route that had very few ponies strolling about. Vinyl also looks like she's dying to ask some questions.

“So what's a big monster like you doing in a town full of ponies?” she asks. /Damn, I'm good./ I realize she's waiting on an answer, so I shrug. “Aren't most of them scared of you?” she presses on. I nod. “So why hang around here?” I shrug again. Vinyl sighs and says “You don't say much, do ya?” “Grarr.” I make my current inability to talk clear. Discord, why didn't your magic stick? That's bothering me more than anything right now.

“Oh, I'll bet that's fun. Not being able to talk, I mean. I once cast a spell on my friend Octavia to help out her sore throat, and instead she couldn't talk for-” I start tuning her unintentional Pinkie Pie impression out at this point and just watching where she's leading me. Looking ahead, I see the library.

Wait, the library? /Not good, not good, not good.... Ditching pony in 3, 2..../

“What's wrong, dude?” My concern must be showing on my face. I point at the library and growl. Vinyl looks where I'm pointing. “Don't like books?” I faceclaw and make a small pinching motion, as if to say 'think smaller.' “Don't like librarians?” I shake my head and pinch again. “Just this librarian in particular?” I nod. “Geez dude, I know she's a bookworm but you don't have to dislike her for it.” I give her a glare, then tug at the chain that's still around my neck from the FIRST time she had me down in that infernal lab of hers. “...was she experimenting on you or something?” She's awfully chill about this, but I still need to correct her. I hold my claws out, then bring them close together, trying to get the message across that 'she was this close to doing that.' I don't like having to play charades to talk, it's annoying. “I'm sorry dude, not much I can do about that. I mean, come on, she's crazy about learning.  At least you're out now, though, right?” I sigh and nod. Yes, I'm free... for now. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before that crazy pony replaces the table with something sturdier, and/or enchants it, and I'll be sunk when that happens.

She'll have to get hold of me first, though, and I'll be fighting every inch of the damn way. I really, really, REALLY don't like being held or tied down. I have to have my freedom of movement or I start getting angry, and I get violent when I'm angry. Just thinking about it makes my spines stand up!

“Dude? Are those supposed to be sparking like that?” Vinyl's nervously shying away from me, looking slightly behind me, at my.... spines? I turn to look at them and get another new surprise.

/I don't think those are supposed to be sparking like that, but then again, I don't even know this body that well, and I'm LIVING in it!/

My spines are sparking and arcing electricity to and from each other. I don't know how I didn't notice the crackling before, but it's actually rather loud. It's not an annoying noise, but for some reason, it's actually rather soothing. I blink and take another look at Vinyl. She's not backing away anymore, but I don't think she wants to be close to crackling electricity. I huff an apology and force my spines to lay down again, cutting off whatever is causing them to spark. My new acquaintance looks a little wary at this turn of events, but at least she's not backing away anymore, which is nice. I'd like to be able to have someone to 'talk' to in this crazy world that isn't trying to run away screaming.

“Hey, you coming? My place is literally right there.” Vinyl's continued on the way, and I've been standing here thinking my brain to pieces. I look where she's trotting to and see a house that practically blends in with all the others around here, sitting within a stone's throw of the library.

No, not one of my throws, either. I threw a cart across town (not gonna explain it except for that I was trying to slow down Rainbow Dash, sue me), so I'm pretty sure I could hit Canterlot (heh, pony puns) with a rock the size of a pony's head.

“Dude!” Rambling again. I loop the rope meant for a pony back around a spur on my tail and trundle over to Vinyl. “Okay, nice work, now let's get these bad colts inside. I want to see if they can really go to twelve!” /Inside?/ I turn to look at the door. Another pony-sized door. /Fuck./  My ears droop. /This tiny town's going to be the death of me, I just know it./ I tap Vinyl on the shoulder (or should that be withers? Damned equine terminology) and point at the door. /I don't even think the speakers will fit through that, let alone me!/ She looks again and facehooves, muttering, “Oh, right.” Her horn lights up and the door glows, stretching to my size. /That explains so much on how Twilight got me into the library without damaging anything./ Vinyl opens the door and proceeds inside. I unhook the rope from my tail and carefully lift one of the Wubmasters out of the cart, then follow her into the house.

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Some time later, after sunset

I'm still at Vinyl's pad, we've just finished arranging her gear in her 'work'room (her words, not mine) to her liking, and now she's fiddling around with the turntable, which isn't working for some reason. It's all in one piece, and I didn't drop it, so why isn't it working?

“Aha! Here's the problem!” My messy-maned friend has pulled a small green crystal that has been cut to a rough cylindrical shape out of a compartment I didn't notice before. The crystal's about the size of her hoof and translucent. /If that's not a battery I'm going to eat it./ “The battery's dead. Must have drained it at the end of the last gig....” She looks at me, thinking. /Uh-oh. Please tell me she's got a spare battery somewhere. Whenever a unicorn gets that look on their face it doesn't bode well for me./

“Think you could get those spines of yours sparking again?” /Damnit!/ I raise my spines up and and rattle them a bit. I strain at them, giving just that little bit more push, and..... sparks! Vinyl nods and quickly whips out some jumper cables. /Where are they getting these things?!/ Flaring her horn, she attaches them to the two largest spines on my back, two pairs back. The front pair aren't sparking for some reason, must be because they're almost in contact with my ears. Vinyl then clamps the other ends onto the gem, which begins glowing with an inner radiance. It flashes once, and Vinyl disconnects the cables, putting them aside and returning the now-darkened battery to its slot in the turntable. She then turns to me. “Thanks big dude, you're a real lifesaver.” I just nod and wave goodbye as I prepare to head out, forgetting the doors shrank back to normal hours ago.

-bonk-

Vinyl chuckles, then re-enlarges the door for me. I move into the living room and see that the front door has been enlarged too. I bark as a goodbye and head quietly out into the night... or I would have if I didn't run into a charcoal gray, bat-winged pegasus with glowing yellow cat eyes in purple armor, a spear propped against her side and a whistle on a lanyard around her neck. Her hoof had been raised to knock and I accidentally bowled her over into the convenient bushes next to the door as I came out, her spear landing next to her. I step out, starting to move away from Vinyl's place. She scrambles around in the bush and comes out upright.

“What was that for, you need to watch where you're... going.... aw hay.” The guardspony quickly recovers from her surprise and launches into the air, grabbing her spear and blasting out a shrill whistle, causing me to stop and cover my ears in pain. It doesn't help much.

-FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-  /THAT HURTS, STOP IT/

From what I can see through my watering eyes, there are several other batpony guards launching into the air, all armored and all carrying spears or wearing wingblades. Before I can move to escape, I'm quickly surrounded by a ring of spears. As my vision clears, there are bursts of magic as five or six unicorns teleport in and form a circle behind and around their fellow guards, wearing armor similar to the batponies already containing me, but armed with swords instead.

/Not that any of that would go through my armor, but I'd rather not take the chance one would get a lucky shot at my eyes, ears, or nostrils./

One of them, the only one wearing a helmet and carrying a saber instead of a short sword or spear, intones, “Monster, you will come with us or we are authorized to 'persuade' you.” I laugh a little, in that strange  'hrr-ing' way I have now. “Oh, you think this is funny, do you? Zap him.” One of the unicorns fires a charge of magic at me, which strikes my armored shoulder and does nothing. I cross my arms, unimpressed. “Again! Three shots!” One to the unarmored belly, which doesn't even sting, one on the shoulder again, and another hits me in the leg. I yawn.

“Shifting Shadow, aim for the eye please.” Oh no he did not just order that. Before the named batpony even gets his spear within reach of my eye, I snatch it from his grasp and start scratching a particularly itchy spot on my back with it. The helmeted pony, I'm guessing he's their commanding officer, finally goes for my face himself, using his sword. He's also the only earth pony here, I notice now. In one swift movement, I drop the spear, grab him around the middle, and wrench his saber out of his grasp. Stolen blade in claw, I plop the disarmed pony on the ground, hold him down with one foot, and bend his own weapon around his middle like some crazy belt, then toss him headfirst into the ever-present bushes that are scattered about Ponyville. The other guards backed away when their CO got his ass handed to him. I start to walk away, but another voice causes me to halt.

“Hold it right there, monster!” Three more squads like the one who's commander I just wrecked have shown up, with the addition of a more highly-decorated unicorn, wielding a spear. This one's got armor that's more black than bluish-purple, and has a distinctly more commanding voice. I release a gurgling snarl and extend my claws. I really don't want to fight, but if they're going to insist and block the exits...

-CRACK-

/Aw, how cute./ A pegasus just tried to dive-bomb me from behind, hitting the back of my skull. I didn't even feel a thing. Before they can flap away, I reach up and grab them to pin their wings to their sides, before pulling them in front of me so I can get a better look. Rainbow Dash, of course. The guards are looking distinctly more nervous now that I'm holding a civilian. She's struggling and cursing and just generally acting pissed at me, saying that if I hadn't gotten the drop on her she'd have won, even though she technically got the drop on me. I shrug and wind up, before heaving her at the commanding unicorn. He catches her with levitation, but by this time I've had it up to here with these guards. I turn and barrel down the street right at one group, knocking them aside like bowling pins and just generally blasting through like they're not even there. I'm not evil, though, I do my best to make sure not to hurt any of them worse than causing a few bruises on my way out.

The squads not blasted apart quickly re-mobilize, sending pegasi to try and cut me off. I randomly take a left and continue my not-so-grand escape. I spot a large bush next to a building, but before I dive in, I check to make sure I'm not within sight of any of the guards chasing me. None of the bat-winged pegasi guards have risen up above the rooftops yet, so I dive in and start digging into the earth as fast as I can, intending to make a hole big enough for me to drop into, yet somehow not spraying the dirt everywhere.

/If I get out of this and I'm not in chains, I'm going to Canterlot./

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One of the pegasus message runners assigned to the squads drops out of the sky next to Colonel Chill, as he berates the earth pony who tried taking out the monster with just a single squad of ponies.

“-and you'd better hope you get reassigned to KP, Private Twinkletoes, because if you don't I'm going to make sure you're on latrine duty for the next year! What possessed you to attack a clearly superior opponent alone?! This is no time for heroics!” The newly-demoted private cringes and doesn't respond. The messenger takes this lapse in shouting as an opportunity to get Colonel Chill's attention by tapping him on the shoulder. The irate unicorn whips around and says in a deathly calm voice, “What?” The runner sits down and delivers his message.

“Sir, we've lost visual on the creature somewhere around the northern end of town. The beast is proving quite stealthy for its size, and is most likely either hiding or clear out of Ponyville by now.” The colonel  facehooves.

“Celestia blast it.... is that all?” The messenger nods. “Dismissed. Go rejoin your squad. Luna only knows how much they need an extra pair of eyes. Remind the unicorns that this thing is highly resistant to combat magic, but scan magic should detect it, even through cover. Spread the word. If we don't find it in the next three hours, assume it has left the area.” The pegasus salutes, then turns and takes off. Colonel Chill sighs and rubs a hoof over his face as another thought comes to him.

“If this thing decides to hit the road, who knows where it will go next?”

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/Whoo! Why didn't I think of digging as a method of travel before?/

Just in case it wasn't clear, thick claws like mine are great for digging. And by digging, I mean tunneling faster than I can walk. My spines are also surprisingly sensitive, I can somewhat feel/hear everything in the dirt in front of and above  me, in a large arc, if my spines are brushing the dirt around me. Considering it's darker than night down here I'd say that's damn helpful. I can't tell colors but I can tell shapes... like that guard patrol about eight feet above me and roughly two or three feet left. I know I'm still going towards Canterlot, because I occasionally tunnel up and check the direction of the edge of town while under a bush. I haven't been seen yet but that could easily change if I'm not careful.

Suddenly, I'm illuminated by a bright flash, and the ponies above instantly look down at the cobblestones under their hooves as I pass them.

/Crap, that better not have been the magical equivalent of a scanner./ I get lit up again. /Me and my big mouth./ I start digging as fast as I can, straight out of town. /Time to get the fuck out of Dodge, er, Ponyville./  One of the guards disappears, I'm assuming it was a pegasus, and the rest start following me as well as they can at a full gallop, doing very well even though they can't see me. I get pinged again and this time the glow remains for a second longer than the others before vanishing.

/Okay, you know what? Stop blinding me. I'll come to you instead!/ I start digging straight up, as the ground-bound guards skid to a stop and smack into each other in confusion. /Let's play JAWS. I'm the shark! Duuuuh-dum~/ I burst out of the ground and through the cobbles, sending most of the squad flying and leaving the rest backing away from the flying stones. One of the unicorns was sent flying straight up and I catch her in my mouth, her pristine purple armor denting against my teeth. She turns her head and meets my eye, hers widening in shock and mine narrowing in wicked glee. I land from my impromptu breaching session and start shaking my head back and forth like an alligator, before flinging the my victim into a pegasus that was diving down at me with his spear extended. The pegasus whips his spear up and takes the impact to avoid hurting his fellow guardspony. The moment they collide, the pegasus' momentum reverses and he went flying into a bush with her, leaving them in an, erm, compromising position.

/Wish I had a camera, that would have been great for blackmail./ I start hauling ass again toward the mountain, leaving the disoriented and distracted guards behind, quickly reaching and passing the edge of Ponyville.

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Back at the temporary Ponyville guard HQ

“What do you mean, it only just left town?!”

“That's exactly what I saw, sir. While I was alerting any nearby guards to the beast's location as protocol dictates after the unicorns marked it, it blasted up out of the ground like a shark crossed with a Diamond Dog, grabbed our squad leader, shook her like a dog toy, then flung her into Feather Blade, who was flying to her defense. They both ended up in a nearby bush, tangled up together.” The pegasus was still shaking from the sheer speed and power the monster had displayed.

“Very well then. What intel do we have of the beast so far?” The Colonel was pressing for information, as well as trying to gauge the messenger's ability to use common sense.

“From what I've seen and heard, this monster is large, strong, and well-armored. It doesn't seem to have any magic of its own, or is unwilling to use it, but makes up for it with a wide range of abilities that allow it to strike first or escape quickly, such as detecting even the most subtle noncombat spells used on or near it, such as scan spells, as well as the ability to dig as fast, if not faster, than a Diamond Dog with a sugar rush. Additionally, it shows above-average intelligence, as proven by the guerrilla strikes it has made upon my squad and others.”

“Very good, Private. Anything else?”  The unicorn takes a sip of water from his mug, placing it back upon the table in the sparsely-furnished room. The pegasus nods.

“Yes sir. It's headed toward Canterlot.” Colonel Chill's eyes bug out, and....

-PFFFFFFFFFFFFFT-

“WHAT?! Why didn't you say that first?!” The shocked colonel yelled at the now-soaked messenger.

“You didn't ask which way it left town, sir....”