A Comedy of Terrors

Discord was many things. Namely, he was a god of chaos, the former king of the world, and the undisputed pudding-eating champion in all of Equestria. But at the moment, he was also dead.

Deceased. History. Gone. Sleeping with the fishes. Discord was dead. D-E-A-D, dead.

And, as was the custom for dead things in Equestria, Discord found himself standing on a fluffy little cloud. Though he was standing upon a cloud, the god of disharmony could tell that he was not in Las Pegasus or any other pegasus city. The first giveaway was that the sky seemed to be fixed in an eternal evening, a violet glow illuminating the atmosphere. In the purple sky, the sun and moon both revolved around on visible paths of starlight as uncountable tiny stars audibly twinkled in space.

Another thing that he noticed was that he was standing in a line. The line was composed of mostly elderly ponies, with a few younger mares and colts. Discord squinted down the line, and could see far ahead what could only be a gate made of solid gold, tended by a pure white alicorn behind a podium.

"Hast thou realized thy location yet?" Discord instantly recognized the voice, his eyes swiveling up inside his head and poking out his ears to see one Princess Luna behind him.

"Ah, my little dark lily! How are 'thou' doing today?" Discord asked, staring at Luna with the eyes in his ears.

"Please cease this most unsettling spectacle, thou art frightening the elderly." Luna poked Discord's eye with a hoof, forcing him to move one step forward, keeping the whole line in motion.

"Oh, fine. How about this one?" Discord's eyes made a disgusting schloop as they retreated back to their normal place. Discord turned around to face her, and gave her a little pat on the head. "You know, I couldn't help but notice that you haven't tried to strangle me yet. Or, you know, beat your shadow to death. Any particular reason?"

Luna smiled, giving Discord a nod. "Verily! Hast thou not been studying the Tome whilst thou were in stone? A sin at the gates is punished a thousand fold."

"Sorry, Loony, I'm an atheist." Discord turned around. He then furrowed his brow, scratching his chin in thought. "Though I am what you could call a god. Tell me, Moon Pie, can one worship oneself?"

"One believes that to be what is called a 'narcissist.'" Luna returned.

"Clever girl." Discord muttered.

There was a period of long silence as they approached the gleaming gate.

"So, Discord, hast thou any apprehension here? This shalt, after all, decide where thou shalt spend eternity. Thou art... aware what may happen to thee if thou art not pure of heart?"

"What, Tartarus? Ah, been there, done that." He waved his hand back at the princess.

Luna was intrigued. "We are intrigued!" She said. "Wouldst thy visit to Tartarus have anything to do with thy chaos magic, possibly thy 'mental state' as well?"

Discord nodded, not bothering to look back. "Oh yeah, definitely. I just signed a form, handed over my memories, and left with some brand new chaos magic."

"Thy memories? Why wouldst thou rescind such a thing?"

"Eh, it's all fuzzy. All I can remember is prattling on about using phenomenal cosmic power for good. I can infer that all this wasn't what I was thinking of, and the poor little pony I used to be decided he couldn't live with--" he gestured his arms to emphasize his entire being, "all this, and signed over all his memories." As soon as Discord finished talking, he lost interest in the conversation and studied his talons as if to schedule his next manicure.

"Fascinating. We wouldst love to hear more of thy tales, t'is a shame that we shalt be spending eternity in different places."

"That sounded a little condescending, Luna-Toons. Almost like the sin of pride..."

"Thank thou for thy reminder. Wouldst thou mind if we stepped ahead of thee?"

"Be my guest." Discord said with a smile. Luna cut in front of him, and stepped right up to the marble podium. The small, tired alicorn behind it rested his head in his hoof, scribbling a name down on a piece of parchment.

"Name, please..." he said without any hint of emotion.

"Princess Luna of Equestria, Regent of the Night Sky and the Realm of Sweet Dreams. Former bearer of the Elements of Generosity, Honesty and Kindness. Duchess of Cloudsdale, Stalliongrad, and Manehatten, and Queen of the Distant Isles."

The gatekeeper slowly glanced up from the paper, giving Luna a once-over to confirm that it was indeed her. To her surprise, the gatekeeper showed little interest in the fact that Princess Luna was dead. The gatekeeper marked her name down and then opened the large, gold-covered book next to the parchment. He flipped through pages to the "L" section, poking his hoof at the paper when he'd reached the right one.

"Princess Luna... it says here that you received a one thousand year banishment to the moon for... attempting a hostile takeover of Equestria, and wishing to, in your words, 'drown the world in eternal darkness'."

Luna was stunned. These were the actions of the Nightmare, not her own hoof!

"And once you escaped, your first action was to continue with the efforts that got you banished. You invaded the Summer Sun Celebration and refused to lower the moon."

Luna's jaw was dangling open as her brow knitted with frustration. This little creature was practically insulting her, and the disinterest in his monotonous voice didn't serve to improve it.

"Good gatekeeper, thou art confusing us for another, far more fiendish creature! We are no beast, we were possessed by the Nightmare when we performed those heinous deeds!"

The gatekeeper lazily gazed at her, his cheek smooshed up by the hoof it rested on in such an empty manner. His was a look of a creature that hadn't slept in a thousand years, his glassy eyes full of exhaustion and perhaps a hint of resentment. This time, he didn't even look through the book.

"I'm sorry, Miss Luna, but I am afraid you don't qualify for a spot in Paradise. Your sins are too mighty in gravity and number, and though I know you are very decent at heart, your life's mistakes weigh you down. In ten thousand years, you may reapply for a reservation."

Luna was stuttering and shaking, and the line was getting very backed up.

"For the time being, however, I must apologetically assign you to a cell in Tartarus. Please enjoy your eternity."

Luna screamed in terror and fury as a circle of flame surrounded her. As she sunk into the fluffy little sparkly cloud, the only reaction she could produce was that horrible shriek. Eventually, Luna fell into the cloud. Discord noticed that the fire pit did not disappear. He looked up at the gatekeeper, who was giving him as nasty a glare as he could while still managing to look half-asleep.

"What?" Discord asked with a defensive edge. In response, the gatekeeper only pointed a hoof at the flaming circle before him. Discord turned his eyes to one of the many twinkling stars around him, shifting his gaze through space to avoid eye contact as he held his hands behind his back and shuffling like a guilty filly. After some time, the gatekeeper's horn flared a brilliant gold, and Discord's entire form erupted into flames.

~ ~ ~

"Eh! Babs! Babs!"

Babs Seed chewed on a stalk of hay and rubbed her eyes with a groan. Putting on her best false smile, she opened the door to her room to see what was going on.

"C-come here." Came an ancient, withered voice.

Babs looked to the window, and of course, there he was. The decrepit old coot had wheeled his chair out in front of the window again, just to look outside. Babs grumbled as she trotted up to his side.

He looked worse today. He was slouched over in the wheelchair, and he shook with every movement. A horn jutted out from a thin mane of red-gray hairs, and his mustache needed a trim. His eyes were sunken and hollow behind a pair of thick glasses, and they just stared out past the horizon. Not looking at anything, for anything.

"Mr. Flimflam, do you need me to fix your chair ag--"

"Do you think they'll ever come back?" He interrupted.

"W-what?" Babs answered his question with another question in a manner most impotent.

"My brother. His wife. They're gone, aren't they?"

Babs stood there in silence. She had seen him get like this before, when he'd think about Flim and Trixie and sit out by the window, listlessly gazing out past the acres of apple trees and into the horizon. About how one morning the two closest to him left for a life of crime. About how in so few months, he'd wake up to read their obituaries.

About how he'd spend the next twenty years cold, alone and dying in his factory.

Babis didn't like to dwell on this, preferring to think of the coming payday or what had gone wrong in her life to make her a live-in maid. Another thing she didn't like to think about is how uncomfortably close he was to going senile, and whether she'd like to bail out before worse came to worst. As she thought about it, though, she realized that she still hadn't answered his question.

"I... I don't think so." She said, her voice almost a whisper.

Neither Babs or Flam moved for what felt like ages. Eventually, he sighed, adjusted his glasses, and gripped the wheels of his chair. He never made eye contact as he wheeled his way out of the room.

"You may leave early today, Babs Seed."

His words were gravelly and sorrowful.

~ ~ ~

When the flames died, Discord could observe a few things. First and foremost, he was not standing on a fluffy little cloud under an ethereal violet sky. His current surroundings resembled the shaft of a volcano in more ways than one, what with the porous, blood-red stone floors and walls dripping with lava. Secondly, the wailing screams of the damned were a prominent ambiance, gently floating through the air like a clarinetist at the Grand Galloping Gala. Finally, both Princess Luna and Nightmare Moon - in all her physical, non-shadowy glory - were standing before him, each with a set of glaring eyes designed to kill a whale.

"So, how have your days been, ladies?"

Two hooves of different sizes, color and hardness connected with his teeth.

~ ~ ~

It had been precisely two weeks since the first day of the Harmony Fair. It had been twelve days since Discord and Luna went missing. It had been one week since Shining Armor's report about Celestia flying through the roof of his sister's cottage in full battle armor.

And it had been three days, twenty-two hours, ten minutes and thirty-nine seconds since a Royal Guard unicorn scout had traced Luna's auric signature to a trainwreck deep within an eternally blizzardy chasm south of the Crystal Empire.

In zero days, zero hours, zero minutes and sixteen seconds, Fancypants would be forced to deliver a speech to calm the nerves of the entire Equestrian population.

In the Canterlot town square, a large stage had been erectedwhydidIjusttypethatfor this exact purpose. Fancypants stood behind the curtain, flipping through his cards as perspiration ran down the back of his neck. Dear sweet Celestia, why did he have to do this? Surely there was somepony more qualified! Poking an eye through the drape, Fancypants could see a crowd of individuals over a one hundred yard radius.

He pulled his head back in, shaking. The chatter of everyone outside did absolutely nothing to quell his nerves, either.

"Fancypants! We're running out of time!" The Duke of Trottingham whispered in a tone so harsh it sounded like he was shouting.

"I-I-I'm not prepared yet! I haven't looked over my cards, they won't-"

The Duke didn't have time.for it. Grabbing Fancypants by the collar, he flung him out onto the stage.

The audience immediately silenced itself, every one of them staring up at Fancypants as he shivered before the microphone. He lifted the cards up in his aura, trying as hard as he could to keep calmandflutteron. He took in a deep breath, and began.

"Fillies and gentlecolts, these last few weeks have been, err, eventful, to say the very least. Precisely two weeks ago, during the Harmony Fair of all times, Princess Luna had gone missing. On that day, the Discord statue, otherwise known as Discord himself, had left the grounds as well." He paused to clear his throat and switch cards. "One week later, Prince Shining Armor reported that he had seen Princess Celestia leaving Twilight Sparkle's house dressed in full battle armor. These claims were backed by the Royal Guard, and even if they weren't, Prince Armor has no reason to lie to us."

The crowd was getting antsy. Fancypants gulped, dreading what was coming next.

"Th-th-three days ago, the bodies of Princess Luna, Discord and the Changeling Queen were all found in the wreckage of a changeling train, deep within a frozen canyon just south of the Crystal Empire."

The audience erupted into hysterics. Luna was dead? On a changeling train? With Discord? It was too much to soak in.

"The effort of tracing Celestia's aura proved fruitless." Fancypants whimpered once the audience calmed down. "They managed to trace it to a tunnel on the train tracks very close to the wreck, but after the tunnel, the residual aura simply stops. It was not a spectacular burst of magical energy like the shipwreck, so we at least know Celestia has not died. However, the aura cuts off in a way that suggests that Celestia intentionally stopped it from exiting her as if to avoid being located."

The crowd went back up.

"Celestia's abandoned us!" A mare cried.

"The Age of Discord has returned!" Shrieked another.

"Hide your foals, hide your special someponies!" Called out a stallion.

Fancypants didn't bother trying to calm them down this time. They were in a state of anarchy, running around and already breaking into shop windows. The noblepony slunk back through the curtain and out the back way to his house.

"Oh, it looks bleak now, but it will all be worth it... in the end."

~ ~ ~

Discord awoke to find himself in an office. It was a small office, with one florescent light in the middle of the ceiling. He was in a chair before a desk, with Luna, Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon in two identical seats. Out the window, he could still see the lava and cave floors, but this office must have been soundproof, because it pleasantly drowned out their screams.

"Like my office, Mr. Discord?" Came a voice from behind the desk.

Discord's head swiveled around to see the form of a peach-colored alicorn, wearing a red suit and a snappy manecut. He gave Discord the most honest of smiles as he twirled a little pitchfork in one hoof. On his desk was a small birdcage, with what looked like a tiny sleeping pegasus on the floor, a little unicorn sitting atop a pile of newspaper, and a little Earth pony swinging from the perch.

"Oh yes, I do like your office. A very nice office you've got here." Discord observed, looking around.

"Cease wasting thy time, Discord." Luna growled.

The alicorn at the desk gave a small laugh. "Oh, I can see why you three died together. Such an inseparable little quartet of friends..." he lost himself in thought, before shaking his head. "I'm sorry, I never properly introduced myself. I'm-"

"Beelzebub, Lord of the Damned." Nightmare Moon finished his sentence for him.

He didn't express any anger at her, but simply smiled. "I don't prefer to think of myself as the 'Lord of the Damned', I like to see myself as a guide, for all the little souls who've lost their way. My job is to-"

"Pleasure yourself with the torture of dead sinners for millennia on end, your hatred for your creator and all things good festering and growing stronger each day." Chrysalis quipped.

This time, he was silent for a second. He laughed again, but this time it was cold and hollow. "I see you're familiar with my work."

"Thou art but an old mare's tale, Beelzebub."

"So are your friends here, Princess." He motioned to Discord, Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon. "But that's not going to stop me from throwing you all in a lake of fire for the next five hundred million years, is it?"

After about ten seconds of silence, the demon sighed. "Alright, I'm going to cut the nonsense. I assume you all know I called you here for a reason. That reason is because I am, on a fundemental scale, a very evil being. Though some scholars like to justify me, I would like nothing better than to see the world burn. Unfortunately, along with my vast demonic powers, I was created with a limitation."

Beelzebub walked out from behind the desk to reveal his hind legs. On each one there was a thin, glowing golden chain that snaked long behind him and out the door.

"You see these chains? Until all the life in the world has been snuffed out, they will never break. I've called you in here because I know that you three will very significantly speed that process up. As much as you like to pretend that you'll rule forever, the world can't survive in an eternal night full of bugs where nothing makes sense." A little red fire rose up in his hoof, summoning a pipe. He put it in his mouth and gave them a dry look.

"Here's the deal. You can either accept my deal, go back home and rule the world until it all starts to fall, or you can deny it and suffer unimaginable agony for all eternity. Chrysalis, for you I'm thinking about freezing you solid and then shattering you with cannon fire over and over. Nightmare Moon, I already have a team of imps working on a field of broken glass for you to lie down in as a replica of Canterlot Castle presses you into the ground. Discord, as for you I'm going to go with the classic spit-roasting. It's an oldie, but a goodie."

The three involved exchanged glances.

"We'll accept your deal." Nightmare Moon said with conviction.

"Hold on, hold on, hold on. There's one more thing. As per traditional Tartarus protocol, I'm going to need a soul." Beelzebub hid a little grin. "I already have your soul, Discord, so you won't do. Nightmare Moon, you're just the rampant madness of a little princess, and even if you had a soul, it wouldn't be pure enough for my tastes. As for Chrysalis, I'm afraid that changelings lack souls."

"Oh, t'is a pity. There is no soul among us for thou to steal. Thou shalt have to throw us in the lake of fire and brimstone." Luna's eyes were closed as she feigned bravery and disinterest.

There was a silence as four sets of eyes all slowly locked on the princess.

~ ~ ~

"Thou shalt never get away with this, thou treacherous fiends! Even should we have to fight our way through the fire and blazes, thou shalt rue the day thou crossed Princess Luna!" Luna's voice was muffled when a white cloth dropped on her birdcage.

"Ah, this one will make a great pet. She's a fiery one, but she'll come to love me in time." Beelzebub lifted the cloth just enough to slip a cracker through the bars. His horn flared red, revealing an iron door behind the desk.

"Come with me!" He called as the door swung open, revealing row after row of cells. He dragged the chains along as he trotted down the hall. The three villains followed him through the corridor, taking a look at all the ponies within. They were all behind steel bars, and looked out to them with cold, dead eyes.

"You might be wondering why I've brought you here." Beelzebub said, not turning to face them as he continued down the halls.

"You could say that," Chrysalis muttered.

"I thought that since you were kind enough to give me my new pet alicorn, I'd return the favor. You look like you could use a pet of your own."

"And what do you mean by 'pet'?" Nightmare Moon raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, just someone to help you take on Celestia. She's a tough one, she is."

"You're telling me," said Discord. In one of the cells, he spotted a a duo of middle-aged ponies. Both were unicorns, one a mare of cornflower blue with a salty gray mane, and the other a stallion, with a sickly yellow coat and a red mane.

"Oh, hey! Moony, we'd been looking for these two. Remember? It's Trixie and Flim!"

Their eyes widened as they turned to face the abomination that gripped their cell's bars. "Oh, they'll do perfectly!"

Beelzebub stepped back to peer into the cell, before letting out an uproarious cackle. "Those two? Ha! I'd throw them in the furnaces if only their meager souls would generate enough heat! No, you three need a more powerful slave. One that's had its will broken again and again through a thousand years of countless torture! I've got just the one for you two!"

Beelzebub's hoof rested on a massive iron door. He pulled it open, and his audience's eyes widened at the sight. It was a giant circular platform of igneous rock, floating above an abyssal trench below. The black walls were covered in glowing runes, and many thick steel chains extended from the walls to meet an apex in the center of the room. The chains all formed a tight wrap around a shadowy figure that dared not face the four monsters.

Crystals...

~ ~ ~

"Release us at once! Thou shalt know the wrath of Luna, thou insignificant swine!" Luna screamed, pounding on the bars of the birdcage.

"He's not listening, you know..." came a whisper. Luna cast a luminary spell, slightly lighting up the room in a cold blue glow. Across the metal floor of the cage, she could make out the figure of a unicorn.

"What be thy name?" She asked.

The unicorn was silent for a moment as the light of Luna's horn flickered in her eyes.

"My name is Princess Platinum."