A Comedy of Terrors

Chrysalis led Discord down a long, winding tunnel. The sleek walls closed in around him, and began looking particularly different from any part of Canterlot he'd ever seen. Not that he'd seen too much of Canterlot aside from the statue garden and the path of the annual Hearth's Warming parade, where his statue would be displayed on a float. After a long, long walk, they reached a door.

"Prepare to be amazed," Chrysalis said with a half-wicked grin as she gripped the door.

When she opened it, Discord and 'Nightmare Moon were quite amazed indeed. They found themselves in the most luxurious train car they'd ever seen, complete with velvet carpeting, plush seats, marble walls with gold-trimmed windows, and even a few servant ponies patrolling. One of them bowed before Chrysalis, and lifted a silver platter with two drinks atop it to her. She snatched the glasses in her aura, and passed one to Discord.

"Try it." She commanded. Without thinking, the draconequus downed the whole thing. His eyes lit up as he beamed.

"Heavily salted chocolate milk with anchovy oil! That's my absolute favorite! How did you do all this?" He asked.

Chrysalis dropped Luna down on a seat and lied down beside her. She motioned for Discord to join, but it was hard to see from all the servants swarming her.

"It's a very long and very boring story. You see, so many changelings die each day that I have to find a use for them all. And after the Canterlot failure, I decided to invest in this. The interesting thing about changelings is that we don't lose our shape-changing properties when we die, we just have no controlling mind to use it with." She said nonchalantly, sipping from her drink.

Nightmare Moon was stunned. "So you're saying that this train is made of-"

"Yes, dead changelings. What your friend is drinking is raw changeling magic, harvested from the brains of their discarded corpses. It tastes however you want it to." She returned.

Nightmare Moon became nauseous as she watched Discord continue to drink the stuff.

"And I suppose that these cute little guys are changelings, right?" Discord said, ruffling the hair of one of the servants. The pony growled, revealing rows of sharp teeth. Discord jerked his hand back to avoid a snapping jaw.

"You got it," returned Chrysalis. She looked to Nightmare Moon, and then to Discord. "Sorry if I'm not being a very good host, does this train fit your liking? I can change it to whatever shape I want."

Discord sat in thought, tapping his chin with his eagle claw. He opened his mouth to speak, but Nightmare Moon immediately cut him off.

"How about something in the style of a pre-Luna chariot? I have always been a sucker for ancient comforts, considering that I spent the better part of my life in ancient times." She said coolly.

Chrysalis groaned. "I might have forgotten to mention to you two: I am not a fallen god or ancient mythical terror like you two. I'm not even a century old! And I've only lived this long thanks to the odd unicorn wanderer..." she slumped down next to the window, pushing Luna to the ground with a thump. "Try and rephrase that in a way I would actually understand?"

Nightmare Moon put some thought into it.

"Effectively, intricate carved wood seats, less marble and gold, give it a very rustic feel if you could." She said.

Chrysalis nodded and called over one of the servants. She pulled her up to her face and glared into the changeling's eyes, and then opened her mouth. Discord and Nightmare Moon were startled by the horrible insectoid screech that came forth, followed by one nearly identical from the changeling servant. They watched as the disguised changeling blankly scurried to a corner of the train car, produced a green flash from its horn and melted into the ground without complaint.

Next, the entire train flashed green. When it faded, it was as ancient and warm as Nightmare Moon had asked for.

"Wait, did that changeling just melt into the floor?" Discord asked, one eyebrow raised.

Queen Chrysalis nodded without interest. "Yes, that it did. The train is made of changelings, and it needs changeling magic to, well, change."

Discord took a final sip from his glass before tossing it away. "I am positively intrigued by this biology lesson, but this question's been picking at me all day. Why did, erm... you... ki-ki-, uh..." he cleared his throat.

"The kiss?" Chrysalis raised an eyebrow with a smirk. Discord nodded, locking his hands tightly together. Nightmare Moon looked on, the awkwardness of the situation piercing her shadowy form. "As the Changeling Queen, I live on love and positive emotion. Through that contact I was able to spark Luna's mind and make it susceptible to my control. From there I could control what the activity of her brain and body. Naturally, I decided to put her to sleep." Chrysalis ruffled Luna's mane. "The little sweetie will be lucky if she wakes up within the next two weeks."

By then, the train finally started to move. It slowly picked up the pace, chugging along at a low speed. Discord watched the chitinous walls go by faster and faster as the train sped up, until the locomotive exited the hive and he was greeted by a clear blue Equestrian sky.

"I suppose the tracks are made of changelings, too?" He asked.

Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon both looked back with expressions of complete contempt. "No, they are not. They are made of wood and metal." Chrysalis said flatly. She then pulled all the curtains down, so as to block the light coming into the train car. The queen yawned and looked to her new partners in crime.

"I plan on getting some sleep while we're on the road if you don't mind... since you two were so rudely awakened from your nap earlier, I wouldn't be offended if you did too." The Changeling Queen said before curling up for a nap. Discord snapped his fingers and reclined in the resulting beanbag chair full of jelly beans, placing a blindfold decorated with closed eyes atop his own. Nightmare Moon looked on at both of them with disdain and confuzzlement before rolling her eyes, shrinking her shadowy form down beneath Luna, and dozing off.

~ ~ ~

After the news of Discord and Luna's disappearance finally made its way around. The immediate reaction, of course, was panic. Some suggested Celestia had known, and the Harmony Fair was her secret scheme to flee Equestria. Some thought that Discord was revived, and was stealing Luna to make her his queen in a mysterious realm of chaos. Others dispelled the news as rumor, and a few of the royal servants inferred that Luna was probably hiding in the basement with the statue, throwing a fit about dinner being late. While almost everyone had decided on their own idea, that did not stop the fact that the nation was in panic. And when there was a problem this serious, the court would always turn to Celestia's Cabinet of Nobility.

In the castle, there was a small wooden cabinet with the names of all Canterlot nobles written on little slips of paper. They'd usually pick one out of the cabinet and leave them to deal with the problem.

All of the royal advisors gathered around the cabinet as the Duke of Trottingham pulled up a slip.

"Prince - ugh, - Blueblood." He called out. All of the other advisors groaned in unison.

"Pick a better one, Blueblood is the worst." One called out. The Duke nodded and pulled up another slip.

"The Duke of Trott - I mean, eh, Lord Fancypants!" He said in a brightened tone. The rest of the advisors expressed their agreement in nods and hushed compliments. "Alright, we'll inform Fancypants of his duty as quickly as possible. Then, this whole mess will be out of our hair."

The nobles filed out of the hall, happily chatting amongst themselves in the knowledge that they wouldn't have to do anything about the problem.

~ ~ ~

"I've already told y'all! My name isn't Dennis, it's Apple Bloom!"

Apple Bloom was in the Canterlot Mental Hospital, tied snugly in a straithacket and sitting before a doctor behind a large wooden desk. "The little sister of Applejack, Element of Honesty? That ring any bells for ya?"

The doctor slightly outside the circle, legs crossed as he tapped a pen against his nose. He scribbled something down on a notebook. "It is very hard to break this to you, Dennis, but you are a very insane and very dangerous mare. We have photographic evidence that you kidnapped the Princess of the Night."

Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow. "Photographic evidence? Care to show your ol' friend Dennis these pictures?"

The doctor nodded and placed two pictures on his desk. Apple Bloom leaned in to get a look at them, and when she did, she felt her brain snap in two.

The first picture was of Discord, carrying a suitcase with a ridiculous wig of scarlet leaves atop his noggin. In the second one, Discord was being chased by two pegasi in police uniforms. The bag was partially unzipped, and Apple Bloom could see a little bit of Luna's mane flowing out.

"Does that mare in the picture remind you of anypony, Dennis? That pony is you. You may not remember it, but you committed this crime." The doctor said in a hushed tone, as if to lighten the news to Apple Bloom. When she looked back up, her expression was halfway between rage and bewilderment.

"How could anypony in their right mind not see that ain't me? I look nothing like that! That's clearly Discord in a wig!" She yelled, making no effort to contain herself. The doctor pulled out his notepad.

"Multiple... personality... disorder... recommend... shock... therapy..." He mumbled as he wrote. Apple Bloom gasped before jumping out of her chair.

"I don't have any disorder! I shouldn't even be here! My name ain't Dennis! I'm Apple Bloom!" She screamed. The doctor flinched and flailed his front legs in terror.

"Security! Security!" He called. Almost immediately, two tall, broad ponies came in to apprehend Apple Bloom. She struggled in her bonds as they carried her away.

"I'm not Dennis! It was Discord! Discord! Discord!" She cried before the office door slammed shut. The doctor got back into his chair, picked up his pen and notepad.

"Recommend... extensive... shock... therapy."

~ ~ ~

Discord was dreaming.

He sat on an upside-down throne in the floating ruins of Canterlot Castle, watching in amusement as the creatures of the Everfree Forest put on a Hearth's Warming Eve pageant in reverse. He hummed to the rhythm that wasn't there, and laughed at a joke that no one had made.

"You seem to be enjoying yourself," said Nightmare Moon. Discord leaped out of his chair with a start. He turned his head to the right to see her.

She was not the shadow he'd seen before, although she was just as dark. Her entire body was as black as night and her mane of ethereal magic blew in a fashion not dissimilar to Luna or Celestia's. She wore a striking blue helmet, four regal Alicorn-shoe-thingies, and a breastplate emblazoned with a crescent moon.

"Take five, boys." Discord said, waving the Everfree monsters into thin air before turning back to Nightmare Moon. "Do you always invade others' dreams like this?"

"Not all the time. Only when I have a particularly entertaining nightmare to try on a head other than Luna's." Nightmare Moon responded.

"Oh, so you came here to scare me?" Discord asked.

Nightmare Moon shook her head. "No, I just wanted to see if anything ever actually goes on in your head. And I was also interested in seeing if you intended to keep your promise about not leaving me to rot once you take over Equestria." She looked up to see the night sky twinkling above them, though Nightmare Moon noticed that the the stars were all arranged in a constellation of Discord's likeness.

"What, surprised that the god of chaos decided to follow the rules?"

For the first time, Nightmare Moon let Discord see her smile. "Very."

They sat in their thrones together, Nightmare Moon watching the twinkling stars. The celestial draconequus waved to her, and she couldn't help but stifle a little giggle and wave back. Discord looked over to her, one eyebrow raised.

"Do I see a smile there?" He asked.

Nightmare Moon returned his gaze with a furrowed brow before turning back to hide a small blush. After a long silence, she stood up and fluttered down to the forest ground.

"I'd like to show you something, Discord." She said without a hint of malice in her tone. "Grab my horn, if you would."

Discord's eyes shifted side to side. "Uh... grab your horn?"

"Yes," she returned, "grab it now."

Discord shakily held his hand out, placing two avian fingers around the tip of the horn on Nightmare Moon's forehead. He looked around as the world around him faded into black. A field of posies faded in, a warm yellow sun warming it from its position in the cerulean sky.

Discord wrinkled his nose and stuck his tongue out. "How horrifying! Are these your dreams?"

Nightmare Moon shook her head. "Absolutely not. This, like I once was, is a dream of Luna." She scowled, stomping down a particularly pretty flower. She craned her neck up and surveyed the area, lowering her eyelids and grinning when she fixated on a point.

"Follow me." She whispered, sneaking over the flowers. Discord dropped into the flora and slithered behind her.

"Oh, Shining Armor, thou truly art a magnificent lover..." Discord could hear the voice of who could only be Princess Luna. He looked up from his position in the flowers, and he saw the most horrifying image he'd ever witnessed.

Princess Luna lied in the grass next to one Shining Armor, one wing draped over him and a half-eaten chocolate cake before them.

"Not as magnificent as yourself, Luna." The resulting nuzzle made Discord want to vomit.

"This is a nightmare!" He whispered.

Nightmare Moon disappeared into the shadows of the world around them. "No, this is a nightmare."

Discord watched as Shining Armor's face took on a horrified expression. Luna gave him a look of worry. "My prince, art thou al-WAGH!" She recoiled, Shining's head now twisting around and making sickening cracks and pops. Luna jumped back as all of Shining Armor's legs dropped off, and eyes fell out.

"What manner of sorcery is this?" She asked in a faltering tone.

Two arachnid legs grew to replace each of Shining's legs that had fallen off, and eight eyes filled the spaces where his original two had previously been. The spider-Armor towered over Luna, and screeched as a snakelike forked tongue tied her up and ensnared her.

"Cease thy silliness, my glimmering rosebud!" She commanded. However, rather than stopping, the spider-Armor swelled and burst into thousands of tinier spiders, all of which began crawling up Luna's legs.

"I command thou to halt!" She tried to stamp them out, but the swarm of tiny spiders overwhelmed her as she fell down on the ground, writhing in revolted agony. Soon, the spiders all vanished, leaving Luna there to twitch on the field of flowers, eyes widened and mouth forming hushed whispers.

Nightmare Moon reappeared next to Discord with a smug half-smile. The draconequus rolled around in the flora, making the sound of one hand clapping as he wiped his eyes dry with his free hand.

"That was hilarious!" He exclaimed, looking back at Luna. "Is this what you do all the time?"

"I come in here every chance I get. Sometimes I stay away from Luna and use the freedom I have in this world to escape from my lonesome, bitter pseudo-life as a princess's shadow. Most of the time, however, I find little Luna and live up to my namesake." Her horn flashed, and Luna was surrounded with five Shining Armors, each taking part in giving her a deluxe spa treatment. She also found a delightful daisy sandwich in front of her, which she scooped up.

"Watch this one." Nightmare Moon said coolly.

Luna chomped down on the toasted bread with a satisfying crunch. All of the Shining Armors jumped back away from Luna, their faces horrified.

"You murderer!" A Shining called out.

"I think I'm going to be sick..." another one held a hoof over his mouth as his complexion turned green.

"But... we are not murderers! Thou art being silly! 'Tis only a sandwich!"

One of the Shining Armors was turned around. "We..." He swiveled around so Luna could see his face, revealing that, rather than a royal guard, he was a sandwich unlike the one she had just eaten. "ARE ALL SANDWICHES!" The pieces of bread flapped up and down with his cries.

Another one glared at her with olive eyes. "Get the murderer!"

Luna's eyes streamed with tears. "Thou cannot kill us, we are princesses! Please, spare us!"

"You are no princess! You are..." one of the sandwiches paused for dramatic effect. "A SANDWICH!"

"SANDWIIIIIICH! All the other sandwiches echoed, and Luna gasped to see that she was indeed a sandwich.

"NOOOOOO!" Luna screamed as her olive eyes leaked mayonnaise tears before she fainted.

All the sandwiches disappeared, and the sleeping Luna took on her normal form. Nightmare Moon chuckled just the tiniest bit, shaking her head.

"Vampire sandwiches? I was led to believe that nonsense was my department." Discord returned.

"Ask Luna about it. When you're stuck with somepony as long as I've been stuck with her, you get to know what sets them off... hey, would you like to see what she does around zap-apple jam?"

Accented by a party horn blast and the rev of an engine, Discord summoned a lawn chair and a large soda. "Now this, I have to-" Discord was interrupted by a massive, earth-shaking

"WAKE UP!"

~ ~ Warning: there's some minor gore in this next part! If you are of a squeamish disposition, skip this! ~ ~

Discord awoke to a pair of black, cratered hooves violently shaking him around. "Ah, I'm awake! I'm awake! What's the prob-"

Discord needed to question no more when he saw the line of dents in the roof, fizzling with green smoke and showing the changeling chitin beneath. There was a loud bang and another one was added. And another. And another, and the line reached ever closer to the passengers.

"Danged Diamond Dogs!" Chrysalis cursed. "They're after my train again!"

The line of dents stopped right above them, and for nearly two minutes they were left in silence. Chrysalis was about ready to take a sigh of relief before a final dent smashed down right on top of her head, causing the entire inside of the train to crackle, flash and revert back to its true, chitinous black form. When Discord came to his senses and turned to Chrysalis, his eyes widened at the gurgling sound that the headless changeling made, and the green streams of who-knows-what that flowed out her open neck.

Of course, he was even more surprised when the final dent creaked, pulled, twisted, and finally yanked all the chitinous metal around it free to expose the midnight sky; the cold mountain air blasting in. He was more surprised still to see a gold-clad Princess Celestia atop the train with solar infernos blazing in her eyes.

"Discord!" She shouted in the howling wind.

"Celestia!" Discord gulped.

"Discord!" She cried, her fury rising.

"Celestia!" Discord squeaked.

"Discord!" Celestia looked ready to explode as she stood in the tear.

"Celestia?" Discord was almost entertained at this point.

"AAAAAAUGH!" Celestia let out a booming battle cry as she grabbed Discord and pulled him out of the train. She threw him several cars down into the wind, tumbling over the tough, organic carts, where he landed broken and mangled on the caboose, threatening to fall off  the mountain. She galloped after him, but came to a halt when changelings flew out of the hole she'd made, swarming her. They blinded her as she stumbled across the train cars.

Discord struggled to look up, but in his blurred vision he could faintly see the scene before him.

"Heh... try and... get out of that... one, Celly... nothing can... get a changeling... off." He rubbed the large section of his side where Chrysalis had bitten him. "Nothing..."

Discord was dumbfounded when the all the changelings on Celestia burst into flame. Discord had to shield his eyes, she glowed hotter than the sun.

"That'll... do it..." he said to himself. Celestia slammed her hoof down on the train car.

"You escaped from stone."

STOMP.

FWOOSH.

"You kidnapped my little sister."

STOMP.

FWOOSH.

"You allied with the CHANGELING QUEEN to overthrow Equestria and take my kingdom back to DARKNESS."

STOMP.

FWOOSH.

"And the saddest part is..."

STOMP. STOMP. STOMP.

FWOOSH. FWOOSH. FWOOSH.

Celestia was now close enough to Discord to lean in and glare into his twisted soul, her very eyes burning him,

"That you were doomed from the start."

Celestia pierced the midnight mountain air with another battle cry as she raised herself up onto two legs. Discord closed his eyes and prepared for the worst, when...

FWOOSH. FWOOSH. FWOOSH. FWOOSH. FWOOSH. SMACK!

He opened one bleary eye with caution, and he could see the stone ceiling of a tunnel less that six inches above his nose. Looking ahead, he could see that the tunnel had suffocated the fires. It was fairly obvious and, to him, quite ironic what had happened to Celestia. The tunnel gave way to the freezing alpine air, and Discord grinned.

"I'll... still... win... ha... ha! Ha... ha HA!" He pumped his fist into the air in a pained celebration.

A celebration that would prove premature when a sharp turn taken too quickly would send him, Luna, the body of Chrysalis and a train full of changelings to certain death in the icy abyss below.