Weird Spider-Wormy Twilight

“We’re doing this because we care about you, darling. It’s for the best, don’t you see?”

“Yeah, Twilight! Intervention’s not a bad thing, we’re just gonna help you have fun in new ways!”

“I’m sorry, sugarcube, but I just can’t take anymore egg sacs in the apple barrels. Last time, yah almost sent me and the family into starvation.”

The corpulent larva perched on its four legs in the middle of their circle, staring blankly and oozing happy enzymes from grubby purple skin. Despite the limb count, everypony held as a basic truth that Twilight Sparkle was an arachnid. This is probably because the most Cheerilee’s students acquired from her were colorful vocabularies and appreciations for the subtle nuances of vodka . . . and also because spider-wormy is a fun word.

Rarity gave a polite cough, nodding to the shelves of books in the corner. Rainbow Dash took the hint and cut Fluttershy out of some web, setting her on the library floor. They’d wanted to meet at Sugarcube Corner, but it was hard enough getting Twilight out of her basement as it is. Almost harder than getting Dash out of the closet.

“Um, so we have some suggestions . . .”

Rainbow Dash interjected,” Hold on, I don’t think she’s listening.” She gave the faux-arachnid a purposeful nudge in the purple side.

“Grexnrggggh!” It gurgled, drool bubbling out its venomous throat.

“Oh dear, don’t do that in public. It’s not proper,” Rarity chided, wiping Twilight’s mouth with a napkin.

“At least she’s getting a use out of her book lung!” cracked Pinkie, despite the joke coming too early. She fell laughing into Applejack.

The orange mare snapped out of staring at the wall and remembered her cue cards. “Now, we know you’re shy, but ya gotta get out more. You spend too much time in damp crevices, when ya could be catching bugs out in the bright sunny day.”

“Even I’m not afraid to chew my insects in the sunlight,” proudly asserted Fluttershy, happy to not be the worst at something.

But there was an awkward silence as everypony else gave her funny looks, because that’s actually pretty gross. So she squeaked and meekly retreated to the background in shame. Fluttershy doesn’t talk much for good reason.

“Anyway. You’re always cooped in that basement of yours, literally consuming those books—”

“That’s what I call a hunger for knowledge!” said Pinkie, overjoyed that the word ‘literally’ was actually used correctly, and that she’d used both her puns.

“So basically, you got to go out and do some cool stuff. You gotta live!”

Rarity magically turned Applejack around, facing them again.

“Oh yeah. Uh, maybe what ya need is a hobby. Personally, I like sports, but I know them ain’t fer everypony.” Applejack gave Twilight Silkbutt a look over. “And no offense, but yer kinda chicken legged anyway.”

Twilight was crouched low, keen eyes watching for prey. And friendship.

“Perhaps you need a coltfriend. There’s plenty of stallions who would kill for a nice young female such as yourself,” Rarity complimented.

“Jus’ dying for the chance to be with you.”

“And they would too if they mated with you! Girl, you got one hell of a posterior!”

“Pinkie!” Rarity gasped, blushing at the crass speech.

The party pony unashamedly giggled. “Well it’s true, Twi’s got all her junk in that trunk,” she said, rubbing TwiWormy on the lumpy thorax.

“Um, you should protect that part or all your guts would squirt out.”

“. . . Fluttershy, what the hell?”

The strange arachnid shivered, leg twitching. “Jahjahjahjah.”

Rainbow Dash smirked, hovering above them. “See, what did I tell you guys? We had nothing to fear, she understands.” She flittered over to Twilight and gave a friendly hug of acceptance. Looking the beast in the eyes, she continued, “Now we just needa figure out who you should go out with. Any hunk you got your compound eyes set on?”

Twi-tarantula sat unblinking. Dash stared in anticipation, drawing closer. Face to face, she gave an encouraging smile.

Suddenly acid spewed from its carnivorous mouth, strengthened with the power of friendship.

The pegasus recoiled in shock from the impact, screaming as it instantly began searing her skin.

“My face is fucking melting!” she screeched, blindly flailing her limbs like a wimp.

But except for Rarity scolding her language, the others paid Dash no heed, having moved onto discussing options and plans for the now impending date with Big Macintosh. Surprisingly, it was Applejack’s suggestion, having caught him one too many times getting closer to Apple Bloom’s dolls than nature intended. Besides, they were all undoubtedly lesbians anyway so they might as well pass the poor guy off to Twilight.

“So where should they go? Ooh, maybe we can have a date-party! They can play romantic games like spin the bottle and truth-or-dare and kiss the frog!”

Stomach sick with the bitter taste of disgrace, and pizza she’d found under the couch last night, Fluttershy tried to ingratiate herself once more. “Um, that sounds great. Maybe we could spike the punch too.”

Rarity gave her a look. “She didn’t say kiss-ass, darling. Also, your lack of scruples is appalling.” She let the pegasus ashamedly slink back before continuing. “And as for you, that’s an awful idea, Pinkie. Your special talent is festivities. Just because you love parties doesn’t mean you blindly recommend them at every turn, regardless of how appropriate, like some hyperactive child. You know better.” What a bundle of joy.

Pinkie’s smile didn’t falter. “Fuck you too,” she grinned, bouncing in place.

“Greeeeeeeergklj,” announced the freaky Twilight (freakier than usual), annoyed that the story was getting away from it.

“Well ya heard the gal,” translated Applejack. “She jus’ wants a normal dinner date. And knowing mah brother, that’s probably best anyway.”

“Hmm, I suppose you’re right. He is a rather low-key stallion so we wouldn’t want to send him too far from his comfort zone. That simply wouldn’t help matters. And given his quiet, soft spoken nature, a busy location with too much noise could lead to some awkward moments. Not to mention his lack of initiative.” Rarity gave a look to her fly-eating friend (Twilight). “Yes, a nice dinner at a romantic restaurant will suit both of them nicely. Terrific insight, Applejack. I think you possess more intelligence than I give you credit for,” she concluded.

The farm pony, who’d been staring at some lint, cocked her head. “Wha? I jus’ meant the guy’s a pig who hogs all the biscuits.”

“Hehe, guys you have to try this! It tingles!” said Pinkie, cranium currently being sucked on by Twiworm Sparspider. Its eyes glistened with hunger.

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Um yes, well...Just be careful, dear.”

Fluttershy opened her mouth, but for once in her life thought better of it. What a loudmouth.

“So what ‘bout that place, Pony Hungry Jack’s? Their fries are getting healthier, y’know.”

“Really?” the fashion unicorn scoffed, waving a hoof. “That’s a terrible place for special occasions and if you are planning an event for your employees there, what is wrong with you.”

“Wwrghm whbught jsszz thhgh ghhaffah?” asked the party pony. Spider maw advancing, Pinkie’s head was now completely engulfed, and she made no struggle. A real genius.

“Excellent suggestion! Oh, this will be the best date ever!” Rarity enthused. The mare of course had no idea what her friend had said, but decided it meant her favorite restaurant. She barely resisted the urge to pat herself on the back.

Applejack for her part had managed to pay attention, but still had no clue what was going on. “Sounds good to me,” she said anyway, playing with lint again.

And Fluttershy—No. Nothing from her.

Lastly, they all looked to Rainbow Dash strewn haphazardly on the ground like a champ, but recieved no response except the sizzle of her still-dissolving face.

Rarity turned up her nose in disgust, nothing worse than a rude pony with her bone showing. “Well Rainbow Dash, when you stop being so selfish, you can come help your friend,” she admonished.

“Some element of loyalty you are,” accused Fluttershy, finally discovering the secret to avoiding beratement herself.

“Hey gals, where’s Pinkie?”

Pinkie Pie never was found, but they managed to locate TwiSpider under a bridge next to a red bow and a scooter. The little incident only went to show, Rarity had claimed, that the recluse needed to get out more, then such ordinary things wouldn’t seem so fascinating. But she’d praised the arachnid’s fashion sense, the bow really did go well with her prosoma.