And Suddenly, I'm Fluttershy

The Crystal Empire, Part the Second; Singing, Jousting, and other Fair-y Activities

Bartholomew

Thanks to the magic of pre-choreographed spontaneous musical numbers, we managed to set up the entire festival in under five minutes.

Don't ask me how. Please.

Better yet, I know the answer. It's magic, I ain't gotta explain sh-, I mean, anything.

"What's this thing for?" AJ asked, poking a strange statue with her hoof.

"The last page of the book mentioned-"

"Wait, not only was this done in five minutes, but Twilight sculpted a crappy statue and nobody noticed?" I cut Twi off.

They nodded.

At this point I was sure that a bunch of tiny chickens had taken up a nest inside my head and had begun pecking at my brain, because I had a splitting headache.

"I need an Aspirin," I muttered.

We walked all the way up to the balcony. Again. An announcement about the fair had to be given, after all.

And so, Pinkie and I played a wonderful fanfare on the flugelhorn for Cadance and Shining before they addressed the crowd.

And what do you know, the words "Crystal Fair" literally made the ponies shine.

As an aside, how did they get their coats to do that? Seriously, that shouldn't be possible.

I was interrupted from my musings as I walked around the fair, by Rainbow. Not by her, per se, rather, I noticed her harassing the ponies.

I promptly ran into some trouble, surprisingly not caused by RD. Sort of caused by RD.

Alright, she was boasting to two ponies about having the Crystal Heart.

Evidently Twilight's terrible sculpture didn't cut it, and we needed an actual artifact hidden somewhere within the Empire.

Naturally, we had to walk up to the balcony again. At least my feet didn't hurt like they would if I was human, but that doesn't mean it was pleasant.

"There's a page missing in the back," Twilight said.

"How did I/you not notice?" Twilight and I said in unison.

"Well, this couldn't possibly get any worse," I said.

Cadance chose the absolute worst moment to faint, thus dropping the shield.

"God. Damn. It." was the first response I could come up with. My second response was much less eloquent, consisting mostly of screams.

In the midst of my panicking, I didn't notice that the shield had gone back up until Twilight pointed it out.

And so, we dashed through the hallways of the castle while Twilight rambled about the test again.

Evidently, I needed to keep the crystal ponies occupied.

Brilliant plan, that.

It was made even better because RD got the even more brilliant plan of making me joust against her.

Oh, I'm sure Twilight was on a soul-searching journey, involving friendship, crystals, and stairs, or some other random object, but I was a bit preoccupied with repeatedly charging at RD while we both wore Greco-Roman armor.

Armor which was extremely out of place in a medieval joust, I might add.

The next several hours consisted of nothing but bruising and immense pain.

I was on the ground with Rainbow towering over me when I finally asked if someone a bit more... physical could take over.

The answer was another one that I found the comeback to several minutes later, this time while flying backwards.

I shan't repeat the expletives uttered that day.

In the middle of my pain, the ponies started running about while evil laughter pealed like thunder over the Empire.

Even if we all died, it would be better than another joust.

We then had to run to the castle and up millions of stairs to get to the balcony again.

I hate my life.

Things didn't improve much once we got there. Cadance fainted, Twilight was nowhere in sight, and Sombra's dark cloud of a form shrouded the city.

There was only one thing to do now. If I was going to die here, I was doing it in style.

Some things in life are bad

They can really make you mad

Other things just make you swear and curse.

When you're chewing on life's gristle

Don't grumble, give a whistle

And this'll help things turn out for the best.

Always look on the bright side of life.

Always look on the light side of life.

If life seems jolly rotten

There's something you've forgotten

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.

When you're feeling in the dumps

Don't be silly chumps

Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

Always look on the bright side of life.

Always look on the light side of life.

For life is quite absurd

And death's the final word

You must always face the curtain with a bow.

Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin

Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death.

Just before you draw your terminal breath.

Life's a piece of-

"Spikey-Wikey!" Rarity shouted.

Evidently Spike had the Heart, and was about to die a very painful death by falling several stories as Sombra jumped for the Heart, which was just out of Spike's reach.

Pinkie passed me some popcorn.

What happened next broke my brain.

Shining picked up his mostly unconscious wife and threw her at Sombra.

You heard me right, he chucked his goddamn wife at a demon unicorn several yards away in the hopes that it could help fix the problem.

What is this logic you speak of? I've never heard of it! I don't even know what you're talking about! Logic is for sane people, and I'M CLEARLY NOT ONE OF THEM.

That wasn't the worst bit. The worst thing was when it actually worked.

Sombra was defeated, the Empire was restored, sunshine and rainbows and pastel colored ponies were widespread, and they all lived happily ever after.

Except Sombra, who was brutally murdered, and myself, who began to wonder if I had died and gone to hell.

Oh yeah, and Twilight, because she failed the test, or something. Who knows.

I had been up all night by the time we got back to Canterlot. This godforsaken traipse into the tundra robbed me of the last remnants of my sense of reality.

Twilight was talking to Celestia about the test thing that she had been rambling about for the past several hours, so we had to wait outside the castle for Twilight to give us the news.

Most of them were waiting patiently, while I desperately wanted to go home to my bed and sleep the whole day.

Even better, to go to my real home in the real world, and be done with all these damn ponies.

So yeah, she passed. What a surprise. Before we could go home, though, we needed to have one last musical number.

"You were prepared"-

"That's it! I've had it with these goddamn ponies on this goddamn planet! I just want some semblance of reality!" I yelled, running away from these idiots to the train station.

I arrived at my house at around eight in the morning, plopping on the bed immediately.

"You know you have a date later to-"

"Shove it up your ass!" I cut Angel off. "And wake me up two hours beforehand."

I slept like a rock.