And Suddenly, I'm Fluttershy

A Hearth's Warming (But Certainly Not Heartwarming) Date

Bartholomew

I stretched as much as I possibly could, hearing the sound of joints cracking, including the strangely pleasing sound of individual vertebrae popping into place as I arched my back.

My bliss after a good day's sleep was shattered by the clock on the bedside table.

It was a mere hour before the date.

Not that I was looking forward to it, mind you, but I was legitimately scared of Bon-Bon. I had no idea about what she'd do to me, but it probably wouldn't be pleasant, and knowing how things usually went, it would involve grapes. Lots of grapes, and a small animal or two.

I shuddered from the memory before slowly sliding out of bed. I was loathe to leave that heaven, having been up for nigh on twenty-hours straight earlier, but I'd simply have to sleep late again.

I dashed into the shower as quickly as I could muster, more or less rushing through every routine in the book, until I came to hair.

"Dammit," I cursed as Fluttershy's absurdly long hair caught on the brush for the four-hundred-eighty-sixth time. What was worse was that I still had the tail to do.

"You know what, screw it, I'll go as I am," I announced to the world, ceremonially tossing the hairbrush aside.

Things, as always, didn't go as planned, the hairbrush hit the toothbrush and toothpaste, sending all of the aforementioned items into the toilet.

I astutely observed that that was very reminiscent of the last few days.

Attaching a saddlebag to myself, I waltzed out the door, confident that the universe would do everything in it's power to kill me, drive me insane, or somehow get a dog to urinate on me.

Instead it decided that it would let up for once, and contented itself with making me trip as soon as I left the house.

It was going to be one of those nights, I could already tell.

I cursed the weather. It had the indecency to snow on Christmas Eve when I forgot to wear anything warm. Again. Damn it. Damn them to hell. Damn it to the never-ending winter of Norse hell without scarves. That would teach it.

I then realized that weather was was inanimate, and was technically already in Norse hell.

I was so engrossed in a debate over how to punish an inanimate object, that I nearly missed Lyra.

"Hey!" she called to me, waving me over to a bench.

I wandered over to her, only noticing her odd manner of seating when I got closer to her.

I shrugged it off as an attempt at being more human. That train of thought led to me equating her with Data, despite the two having nothing in common.

"So, what's on the agenda?" I asked her.

"Well, the kids at the local school are putting on a play about the founding of Equestria. It would be a good experience for you to see some of our culture, and learn abou-"

"I don't think a school play will be a good representative of your society," I said bluntly.

"Well, it would be a good way to encourage the children?"

I stared at her blankly.

"You could... You know what, it's cute!" she huffed.

I raised one eyebrow and resisted the urge to say 'fascinating.'

The play was exactly what one would expect, a basic story that kids could act out and understand, while being slightly educational and having a common aesop. For me, it merely raised more questions about this nation's history, but I was forced to disregard the discrepancies present within the work as the play simply being aimed at kids.

That being said, I repeatedly badgered Lyra over the inaccuracies.

Her response was a curt, "You'll have to ask Twilight. I am a musician, not a history teacher."

I left her be, although my confidence in the Equestrian school system took a serious hit, not that I expected much.

Sadly for me, the date continued, as she insisted on dragging me to a romantic dinner.

'Romantic' being a relative term, all things considered.

The place itself was nothing special, just a restaurant offering the usual selection of sandwiches and sides, along with some Italian here and there.

I naturally ordered Alfredo, despite there not being shrimp. She got a tulip sandwich and some wine.

I forgot to mention, they ate tulips. Evidently this was a regular thing that I somehow missed out on.

I expected her to bombard me with questions about humans, and elaborations on my previous statements, but instead she seemed eager on small talk and general date-y type conversations.

I hate small talk with a passion. It honestly belongs in hell with the weather team.

Our food arrived quickly enough, and I was able to distract myself from the tediousness of our current interaction with the food.

And boy was it distracting, that stuff was good. I mean, who knew pasta could taste so rich and-

Right, herbivore now.

I absently wondered if everything would taste this delicious from now on, almost missing Lyra go to the restroom.

I wouldn't have minded had Bon-Bon not immediately taken her place.

"Are you tailing us?" I asked her.

"Yes. I wanted to make sure you didn't try something," she said.

"Do you think I'm Kirk, or something? I have no attraction to aliens, let alone ones that are disturbingly similar to other animals back home."

She narrowed her gaze.

"Look," I continued, "Why don't you just take my place? It's clear to me you have something going on, and I didn't want to get into this in the first place."

"You haven't been there when she talks about you. She stops really being in this universe and enters a realm of fantasy. She is infatuated with you!" she countered.

"Infatuated, maybe, but I doubt she's willing to follow through, and if you can't tell, I'm not exactly happy with this relationship. I know you care for her, and that you don't want to see her upset, but do you honestly think that this is good for her? I'm in the middle of a goddamn love triangle that I don't want to be in, leading someone I have absolutely no interest in on, and you have the nerve to tell me that I shouldn't just tell her I'm not interested? How stupid are you?"

"Well, I-"

"You know what, I've figured it out. I'm in a goddamn soap opera. At first I thought that I was surely in some absurd comedy, but at this point I'm mostly sure that this is a soap opera. A really poorly-written one, at that.

"And you know what? I don't care about pointless drama. I'm going to just tell her.

I continued to eat my alfredo.

Don't give me that, this stuff is good! Seriously.

Lyra returned to me eating in near silence and Bon-Bon impersonating a fish in what was once her chair.

"Uhh, what happened?" she asked me.

"Idle conversation," I replied.

I mentally fist-pumped at my reply. That was probably the greatest answer I had given to anyone.

£¥|?4

Rarity and Twilight were sitting at a table nearby Bartholomew.

"Your beverages?" said a waiter, having approached the table.

"I'll have some vodka, and I want a finest vintage sent to that table over there," Rarity said. "Tell them that it's from an anonymous romantic."

"And you, Madame?" the waiter asked Twilight.

"Just water would be fine. Eight ice cubes and exactly one half-liter of water, the volume should be measured before the ice cubes are added."

The waiter raised an eyebrow before heading to the kitchen to deliver the order.

£¥|?4

By this time Lyra had pulled over a chair and scooted her plate over. Bon-Bon managed to recover, and a three-way conversation ensued concerning music.

Which reminded me, I needed to start listening to the records I purchased.

Bon-Bon was about as happy as I was to distract herself, and even placed an order, much to the surprise of our waiter.

He also brought a bottle of wine, from an "anonymous romantic".

Turns out Bon was a jazz fan. I was honestly surprised, though to this day I cannot remember why.

At last, after Lyra had consumed the majority of the bottle of wine, I decided to tell her.

"Lyra, I'd like to have a word with you in private," I said to her.

"How about the restroom?"

"You sure no one's in there?"

She nodded.

I got up and headed for the restroom. Let's see, women's room. Right.

"So what is it you wanted to say?" she asked me.

"I'll be frank, and I'll be quick, I have absolutely no romantic interest in you, and I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't entertain illusions of the contrary. I agreed to this date because I figured nothing horrible could happen, but I will say this once and only once:

"It is a one time thing."

She ran out of the restroom remarkably quickly.

I walked out of the restroom considerably more calmly, sitting down at my table.

"What did you do?" asked Bon-Bon.

"The right thing," I said.

Bon-Bon scoffed at me in disgust before leaving, thoughtfully leaving a few bits to pay for her meal.

I ate the remainder of my own food in a dreary silence.

----****----

As I left the restaurant, a very drunk sounding Lyra called to me, "Bart, accept my love!" running at me with a vigor unheard of in drunken people.

Where the hell did she come from? Wait, why was I wondering about such inconsequential things when I should be running away?

"Warp speed, mister Sulu!" I yelled before running as fast as I reasonably could towards Fluttershy's cottage.

I found Pinkie Pie bouncing next to me as I raced through town.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"You're making too many Star Trek references in one chapter, you need a new joke!" she said.

We stopped in tandem.

"I have been making a lot of- wait, how did you- Chapter?"

"No time to explain, she's still after you."

I looked over my shoulder, and there she was, running towards me.

"Surprised she didn't hit a streetlight pole," I said to nobody in particular, before continuing my mad dash through Ponyville, sans Pinkie.

I arrived at the cottage with my sides burning, a considerable distance ahead of Lyra.

Rushing into the cottage, I locked the door, collapsing on the floor.

I trust it went well?" Henry asked.

"You have... no idea," I panted.

I slowly stood up to head to my bedroom. What I found there was more than a bit disconcerting.

It was Angel, and a female rabbit, and...

On my bed.

"GODDAMMIT ANGEL, I HAVE TO SLEEP THERE"

They shot out of the room as fast as they could, leaving me to strip the bed and put new sheets on.

"Damn rabbit needs to go with the weather team on Thursday," I said.

I pondered the events of the last several hours. The date honestly went better than I expected, other than the nearly mile-long run back with a surprisingly well-coordinated drunk Lyra chasing after me.

"Thank you, the universe," I muttered into the pillow, intent on making up lost sleep.