I'm done so I'm...

This is why i'm giving up

its because I love you....

but you don't love me

I stood there in the pouring rain, trying to form my words. sadly the words I wanted to say were caught in my mouth.

I could only stand there and watch as the Mare i loved was making out in the rain with another guy.

It was as if the universe just loved to mock me. the  kiss broke and she saw me. all I heard from her was a very quiet "oh shit"

within that small brief second... my heart broke, dropped to the floor like a wine glass. it then exploded into the tiniest pieces possible.

I took off, in search of somewhere to go. in the end, I ended up on a bench slightly sheltered from the pouring rain.

that was the best thing about rain. No matter how sad, depressed and teary-eyed you get... the rain will always hide it.

it was at that point, I began to shake, choking back sobs. the dam was preparing itself for the biggest break of the century.

After 7 years of keeping everything bottled up, the dam had to break eventually.

but not tonight.

Anything but tonight.

I didn't notice at first but the tears had already began their treacherous journey down my face to their eventual suicide off my chin. everything had gone wrong... but where did it begin its descent into self-loathing and blindness?

my original thought would be a few minutes ago, but thinking about it now...

Probably when i first met her.

Before I met her, I was perfectly normal... If you count not having a matching mane and tail normal.

She was beautiful, I was simply hooked on her at the first sight. I got to know her well, and managed to get a date...

the problem was we had to re-organize and re-arrange constantly... In the back of my mind there was a small voice... a seed of doubt. little by little, that seed would sprout into a stem.

within a few weeks of hearing nothing from her, the stem had sprouted several leaves.

then came our date, the first of many.

until the rumors began.

I caught wind and found out that she had dated several people... all of which had somehow fucked things up themselves.

when I spoke to her she told me that her previous lover had cheated on her.

It was then that i noticed a sudden nervousness, I knew she had trust issues but never questioned why.

until now.

back then, i thought she was afraid of getting hurt.

man was i wrong.

turned out she was afraid of hurting other people.

so now i'm sitting here in the rain, playing through all the moments I shared with her... all my secrets...

all my trust.

and she pissed it all away. not once, not twice but three times.

all because it turned out that she was already dating two other guys.

at the same friggen time.

from what I could tell... one was a musician, the other was a jock.

now all I can think about now is how much of an idiot I was.

hell... I was an idiot for thinking that she could love a guy like me.

I should really stop looking for love. something like that is just beyond my reach constantly.

Honestly? Its been seven years since my last relationship... it took 5 years to get over...

but i suppose it cant be helped really.

all i can do now is look up at the sky being caressed ever so gently by the rain clouds.

I sat there gazing up, watching the weather team do their work.

if there was anything i knew better it was that I needed someone to talk to.

who knows, perhaps that's all i'll need to get things in order.

I knock on Ditzy Doo's door. she instantly knows what I need.

a hug, a muffin and an ear to vent my frustrations in. she's the closest thing i have to a sister.

she also knew i couldn't really deal with my emotions too well.

hell, she saw what i could do to someone when angered... but then again, she did help with that...

but right now, I needed a shoulder to basically cry on.

she continued to hold me until everything subsided.

I was alot more calmer.

"usually this is the part where I say I told you so but" she clamped her own mouth shut.

enticing a small chuckle from me. "if you don't i will, I told you so" of course, her boyfriend on the other hand... was annoying to say the least.

I relaxed in their presence. I sat picking at the muffin, still looking glum as i began to tell them about how my efforts were thrown back in my face many times.

who-ever said that perseverance was the key obviously has never had their heart broken.

these two don't know how lucky they are to have love.

sometimes i think its something i have to earn...

but then i think to myself....

do I even deserve it?

I continued to ponder this mind-plaguing question for the rest of the day before settling on a simple "no" as an answer.

I could be mean and spread rumors on how she's a changeling as payback... but where would that leave me?

it'd brand me a vengeful liar.

there's a knock on the door.

I hear a snarky "Oh, it's the heart breaker"

I walk to the door and simply close it with a simple sullen look

I took a short walk to the near by sofa and crashed.

Ditzy sat beside me as she tried to comprehend what just happened

"what are you doing?"

I continued to lie there. "Giving up"

"why?"

"because all my life has been is one big joke, its like Discord purposefully created me for his own amusement"

"so?"

"so? so?" I was almost shouting at this point "i feel like I can't please anypony and no matter how hard i try everything keeps bucking up for me and all i ever do is be nice to ponies, I feel like i've let everypony down and ontop of that i've had my heart shattered into little pieces.. so excuse me if i look like i'm standing on broken glass"

Ditzy placed her hoof on my shoulder as i began to vent my frustrations and began to swear until i turned blue.

usually it would take half an hour... but i was quickly reduced to a blubbering mass because I knew i would have to return home to an empty house.

When i was little, all i wanted was to be left alone...

Its funny how things change isn't it.