Kinky Sex Disasters

“Hey Twilight, hey Twilight, hey Twilight, hey Twilight, hey Twilight...” Pinkie Pie bounced about her marefriend, carefree as ever as she endeavored to get her attention. The studious unicorn seemed to be pointedly ignoring her, as she scanned the rather thick tome before her.

Eventually, however, the bouncing and repetition managed to be the one-two punch necessary to penetrate through Twilight's practiced study-trance and pierce her earplugs, grating on the mare enough that she whipped her head up, plugs popping rather dramatically from her ears. “Yes, Pinkie? Can I help you?”

“Twilight, I'm boooooooored. And you know what happens when I get bored.”

“Yes, I know. You follow me around all day until I inevitably fall in love with you, go crazy with jealousy and... oh, I already did that part...” Twilight looked over a checklist she had pulled from a drawer near her. “Oh, here we go. You prattle on incessantly until I realize I've studied enough, give in and then we have fun, go on a date, make love or bake. Or some combination of the above. Incidentally, baking dates are wonderful, baking lovemaking is less so.”

“I know. And Mrs. Cake made me promise not to do it anymore after all the mess we made last time. She really didn't like the flour flank-prints on the ceiling. Your magic is really, really strong.”

Twilight blushed deeply and fanned herself with a pile of papers. “Well... I was inspired. And when I’m inspired I can do anything. But for now... I think we should try playing something. That's always able to occupy you for a while.”

“Oh! Perfect! I love playing. Playing is one of my favorite things, along with performing leisure activities, sporting around and gadding about!”

“Because those are all distinct things.” Twilight playfully rolled her eyes, with a grin, and leaned in against Pinkie. “So... playing. Well, I've got plenty of board games. Almost too many board games. It's a little odd... but Spike still likes to play them so I guess that's why I still have them.”

“Board games? I dunno. This isn't really a 'board game boredom.' It's a little more than that but a little less than 'build a giant robot' boredom.' I think you understand.”

“Frighteningly, Pinkie, I think I do understand. Maybe something a little more cerebral. I know! I can pull out my RPG books! I have a few more adventures suitable for one player and one game master. I even promise not to make all the side-quests about rescuing a nubile, virginal scholar who will instantly become a romantic interest.”

“But I love that! Oh... wait... no... we promised we wouldn't pull out the RPG books for a while. You know, after... The Incident.”

“Oh! Right...” A huge blush spread across Twilight's face and she coughed into her hoof. “I'll remember next time. Don't buy novelty candy dice and then forget to mention that not all the dice are novelty candies.”

“But on the plus side we figured out my stomach is lucky! It rolled a natural twenty!”

“A few hours later...” Twilight noted, with a wincing grin. “Alright... playing... I've been suggesting things, and that's rude. Do you have any ideas, Pinkie?”

“Oh um... well...” Suddenly the spastic baker went silent, a tremendous blush coloring her cheeks as something came to mind.

“What's the matter, Pinkie? You're not usually that shy about mentioning things we can do.”

“Well... I heard something. It was on television. And it was these two mares that wanted to play a game. But a sexy game. So they said they should, um, 'play doctor.'”

“'Play doctor'? That's what they said?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Huh... strange. I don't... I don't think I've ever heard of that as a game, least of all a sexy game. I mean, I have that game about operating but that's not particularly sexy. Is it some kind of code for something? You know I was sheltered in my books when I was young. Does it mean anything to you?

“Nope! But that doesn't mean anything. I grew up on a Cannonite rock farm. I was all grown up when I came out to the rest of the world.”

“Hmmm... I know I really should research this. And yet... it seems completely straightforward. A little unusual but... a lot of sexy games seem silly when you hear about them. I thought roleplaying in bed was silly until we bought that little box that let us roll dice without losing them over the side. It wasn't too much sexier than roleplaying at a table but it was cozy, so that was nice...”

“Come on, let's do it!”

Twilight hesitated for a moment but then broke into a tremendous smile. “Alright, Pinkie! Let's get to it!”

Half an hour later the two of them were situated in the state that they figured was exactly what the game entailed. Twilight had carefully scrubbed both her front legs as well as her horn, sliding rubber covers up both of her legs. She was wearing scrubs in her usual shade of lavender, and a matching surgical mask, as well as a paper hat to hold in her mane. She was standing up on her hind legs before a gurney, on which Pinkie Pie lay. Pinkie was on her back, forelegs tucked up against her chest and clutching lightly at the paper gown. Her abdomen was exposed, and was behind a kind of paper curtain, separating it from the top part of her body. There were also paper sheets lining an area around Pinkie's abdomen, which had been smeared with a strong-smelling antiseptic. Completing the look was a large tray of surgical instruments.

Twilight looked dubiously down on the scene and removed her mask. “You know... on further reflection I fail to see how this will be very erotic.”

Pinkie slid the curtain aside and nodded. “I know! I'll be asleep. How can I possibly have fun? Maybe if it was brain surgery and you put really nice dreams in my head.”

“Brain surgery isn't something that should be done casually. Though, really, no surgery should ever be done casually. If you want nice dreams there are spells for that. But that's beside the point. I get the feeling that we've somehow missed the meaning of this game. It can't be about surgery.”

“But what else could it be? How can you play doctor and have sexy fun at the same time?”

Twilight stroked a rubber-clad hoof over her chin, creating a few squeaks, then slapped the hoof down on the ground. “Of course! We need a doctor for erogenous zones! You don't play surgeon when you play doctor! You play gynecologist!”

“Right!” Pinkie rubbed the side of her head and asked, “But what if one is a boy? Or if they're both boys?”

“Obviously, for a boy you'd play urologist. It all makes perfect sense. Well, now I feel silly. I'd better return the tray and gurney to the hospital. They seemed a little confused about why I wanted them.”

A short time later Twilight had returned and set up for a new game. She had moved things around her living space to make it look more like a waiting room, using a clothesline and blanket to 'wall off' an examining room, the area around her bed. She was dressed in a white lab coat, and was levitating a clipboard in front of her. “Alright, next... Pinkamina Diane Pie?”

“Ooh! That's me! That's me!” Pinkie slapped down the old magazine she had been reading and leaped up from her chair. She followed Twilight through the curtain and into the 'exam area.' Pinkie had been in charge of decorations, so she had quickly drawn medical-looking images and slapped them up on the walls, including a fairly convincing x-ray of a pelvis and an anatomical chart of pony female anatomy that was quite good, despite being rendered in crayon.

“Now then, Miss Pie, what can I do for you today?” Twilight adjusted her bed, which had been covered in heavy white paper from a roll, and had been equipped with stirrups to create a passable exam table. There was even a tray of exam tools and bottles of various liquids.

“Well, Doctor Sparkle, I'm here for my regularly scheduled teat-check.” Pinkie giggled a little bit after saying her line, and stood up very straight.

“Of course. Regular teat-checks are vital for your health.” Twilight slipped a rubber cover over her right hoof, letting it snap down loudly. “Is this your first teat-check? You seem very, very young Miss Pie.”

“Oh yes, hee-hee, Doctor Sparkle. I've never done this before. This is all so new and strange.”

“Don't worry, it's very simple. As I am a unicorn I place my hoof, thus...” Twilight carefully placed a hoof against the teat farthest from her, reaching under Pinkie to get at it. “Then I use some magic to apply a gentle pressure...” A shimmering field of force pressed in against the modest teat, pushing it against the hoof on the other side. “Then I move the field around in this massaging motion, using my frog to check for lumps or other anomalies.” The magical force's indentation assumed a rounded shape, and rolled over the teat like a ball, while her hoof turned slowly in various ways, to check the flesh as it was pressed.

“Oh! Oh wow. Oh! Hee... th-that... that tickles! Hee!” Pinkie was squirming all around, her limbs stuggling to maintain the proper exam position.

“Then I repeat the procedure on your other teat.” Twilight moved her hoof to press it against the back of the teat closest to her. Her magic activated again and the force once more pressed in at the tender flesh. “And that's how it goes. I palpate the areas in question, and can tell you that you, Miss Pie, have a clean bill of mammary health.” Twilight slipped off the rubber cover and made some marks on the chart. “Now since you're young I only need to see you every two years for a thorough check. You can perform monthly self-checks in front of a mirror using both hooves. Or maybe if you have, heh, a unicorn fillyfriend or coltfriend, they can help you.”

Pinkie giggled softly and nodded her head. “Sounds super duper fun!”

“Yes. You can make a game of it.” Twilight giggled softly and removed the lab coat. “Okay, now you can be the gynecologist. You looked at that book I gave you, right?”

“Yup! Umm, Twilight? There were no pictures. What's a 'speculum'?”

“It's a special piece of equipment used for exams. That's what the shiny duck-billed things on the tray are. Just how much of the book did you read?”

“Ummm... some of the terms. It was boring!”

Twilight groaned and shook her head. “It's okay, Pinkie. I think you get the idea. I'll sit out in the 'waiting room.' Just call when you're ready.”

“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie pulled out the book as Twilight went to the other side of the curtain. She flipped through several chapters, settling on, and scanning through, the section on 'Vaginal Examination.' That seemed appropriate.

Twilight flipped through a magazine, noting that it had quite a lot of candid shots of mare genitals, though not much medical information. She checked on the cover and found it to be something called, 'Wet Ride.' “Spike... hiding them in my medical magazines?” Another magazine came up, 'Good Girl.' The cover featured a Diamond Dog female straddling and slightly hiding behind a huge piece of translucent quartz. “And here... I can't tell what you like most about this one...”

“Next, Twilight Sparkle!” Pinkie appeared from behind the curtain with an eager bounce, looking at her clipboard.

“Oh! Oh that's me. S-sorry.” Twilight shook off the odd discovery and proceeded behind the curtain.

“I understand you're here for an examination of your mare-parts.” Pinkie blushed a bit as she said it.

Twilight broke character for a moment and tilted her head. “'Mare-parts'?”

Pinkie blushed even deeper. “I was raised a Cannonite! Some things you just don't say.” She then cleared her throat and tried to get back to business. “Please lay back on the table and place your legs in the stirrups.”

“Of course, Doctor Pie.” Twilight did as she was told, hopping up onto the bed and laying out, legs spread wide and comfortably settled into the attached stirrups. “Will this be an external examination?”

“No, I need to see all your insides. Umm, the... the... cervix...” She said the last word quietly, with a quiver of hesitation. She snapped the rubber covers on her hooves and trotted over on her hind legs, settling herself between Twilight's legs. “Well, just the outside looks yummy-delicious. Add some frosting or whipped cream or a cherry...”

“Pinkie...” Another character break.

“R-right! Sorry! Professionalism. Ahem! Now... to ease the process...” Pinkie picked up a squeeze bottle of their favorite strawberry-flavored lubricant and squirted it down over Twilight's genitals. She got a little sloppy, as ever, the viscous liquid oozing around everywhere, including between the cleft of her flanks and onto the paper covering the bed.”

“Very... thorough, doctor Pie. Alright, I await the exam.” Twilight laid her head back and smiled in anticipation. Pinkie was so cute and innocent. She'd probably start with just rubbing and touching the sensitive spots before doing an 'internal exam' by spreading the lips and peering in. She'd never done that before.

Pinkie, meanwhile, hesitated. She knew what she had to do. The book had told her clearly enough. But it was so against her nature. She had seen Twilight's anatomy clearly enough and often enough. But she never looked inside. That seemed a violation of her personal, private privates. She had always just licked and nibbled and put her mouth over and dug her tongue around. But she was supposed to look for the game.

She reached onto the tray and carefully picked up one of the modestly-sized specula. It seemed rather intimidating, all gleaming, polished chrome. It was smooth and shimmery, made of gentle curves that would normally seem friendly. But she could only blush over what she needed to do with it. She just couldn't watch. So she closed her eyes, aimed and brought it down against a lubricated entrance.

Twilight's eyes had opened when she realized it was taking longer than she thought. She saw Pinkie's eyes shut and a speculum in her hooves. She was about to comment when it came down. She suffered a moment of shock and could not speak when it penetrated, but finally managed to squeak out, just a moment after the squeezing of the spreading mechanism had begun, “Wrong entrance!”

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today both Pinkie Pie and I learned a valuable lesson. No matter how basic or self-explanatory a term or idea seems, if you don't know what it entails don't just blindly try it, research it carefully. It may delay enjoyment or make you look silly or out-of-touch, but it will save on headaches and misunderstandings.

Also, we both learned that there are differently sized specula for very, very, very good reasons.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle, currently sitting on a bag of frozen peas.