Hey You, Down There: Discord's Guide to Clopfics

“Knock, knock, hello? Can you guys hear me? Is this thing on?”

“Yes, Pinkie, it’s on. Whatever it is. You’re free to talk.”

“Oh, good! Hello, readers, and welcome tooooooooo…”

“Hey You, Down There!”

“Yes, that’s right, the show where we help you with your pathetic, meaningless lives! Because you losers need all the help you can get. I’m your host, Discord, and this is my beautiful…” He looked over at Pinkie, smiling with a creepy giant smile. “Sometimes beautiful cohost, Pinkie!”

“Yay! It’s great to be helping!”

Discord glared at Pinkie, wondering why he still chose to be her friend. A quick look at her flank reminded him. “Bitch, shut your mouth.” Pinkie nodded and kept quiet. “Now, for those watching for the first time, what happens is: You worthless beings send in questions, and we help you. Pinkie, would you mind pulling out our letter for the day?”

Pinkie Pie reached into the mail sack provided by the ever-so-helpful Derpy, and pulled out an envelope. She began to read.

Hello, you two!

I’m an aspiring writer, but I don’t know where I want to start. I could easily write a story about the magic of friendship, where characters learn a valuable lesson, but that sounds boring. I’d like to write something more juicy, something more enjoyable. I know you could help me with that.

Sincerely yours,

NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD

“Well, that’s a funny name! Name And Address Withheld? That must be hard to write on the birthday cakes! And it’s all in the Royal Caps Lock, too!”

“Mr. Withheld, I know what you’re referring to, and you’ve come to the right place. Wait, who am I kidding? Mr? This is obviously some horny fangirl who just wants to write her favorite characters having sex! Lucky for you, I can still help.”

“Ooh, Discord! Why is your font tipping over? The winds must be high in your speak!”

“Pinkie, that’s called italics. And if you look at yours, you are speaking in underline. This is solely to help the readers differentiate between our voices, since I don’t have the time to keep reminding them who’s talking. Anyways, let’s get to the good part, shall we? I’m going to help all you writers compose a beautiful sex story. Or, as we call it here in the business, a clopfic.”

Hey You, Down There: Discord’s Guide to Clopfics

“But Discord, you weren’t specific enough! You’re going to need to tell me what exactly a clopfic is!”

“Well, Pinkie, I’m glad you asked that question. As I’m sure all the readers are aware, the Internet was created, maintained, and is still being used for one sole purpose: Porn.” Pinkie Pie began to hum a song. “What does the Internet have anything to do with your story? Well, it’s because you’re too talentless to ever get your story published. People who read actual books don’t want to read about nothing but porn. Well, most of them, anyway. So, your story is destined to obscurity on some shitty fanfiction site. Where people go and congregate to do nothing but anything related to sex. Read it, talk about it, and in your case, write it.”

“But why, you may ask, are you writing something so vile and disgusting? If you are asking that, shut up. Clopfics provide the backbone and blood to the entire Internet, the only thing that everyone likes, even if they won’t admit it. And who are you to deny them what they want? There’s always untapped material that needs to be made. Plus, you’re just a rotten dirty bastard. This is where you belong.”

“Before you get over to your keyboard, you’re going to need a purpose to your story. You need something to accomplish. The Internet is filled with people like you, they’ve written plenty of stories. On a basic level, your purpose in this world is to make whoever reads your story feel dirty, but horny. But make your specific story original. Try to do something that hasn’t been done before. But that’s impossible, you freaks have covered everything possible.”

“And the absolute, most important thing to remember, the most important question you need to ask yourself about your story: Can I clop to this? You should be able to read your own story and end up with a sticky mess to deal with. Hopefully, more than one. But it appears that Pinkie doesn’t need our help.”

Pinkie quickly removed her hoof from her extra pink area and covered it up with her hind legs. “I was getting bored. You were doing all the talking. I needed something to do.”

“You do realize that we aren’t sitting behind anything, right? The entire world could see your actions.”

Pinkie’s face broke out in a bright red blush before it faded, her eyes half closed, and she spread her legs again. “Well then, would all of you like me to continue the performance?”

Discord was hit hard with a reminder of why he loved Pinkie. Her hyper and chaotic attitude most of the time was great fun, but when she switched gears into full-on horny, she was an absolute monster. Unfortunately, they had a show to continue. “Later, Pinkie. These people still need our help. But at least I’m pretty sure we just cured any erectile dysfunctions out there. It’s time to get into constructing the perfect clopfic.”

Step 1: Selecting Your Characters

“Ooh, character select! Uh, Liu Kang! No, Ken! Wait wait, I want to be Toon Link!”

“No Pinkie, we aren’t playing a game. What fun is a clopfic without any characters? Do you guys just want to see air have sex? Because I do. But it’s better to put in the characters we all know and love in more ways than one into the situations we want. But we’re going to need a fine selection to choose from. Let’s start with the basics.”

Discord snapped his fingers, and in a flash of white, the five other members of the Elements of Harmony appeared, dazed from the sudden teleportation. Twilight Sparkle saw the one responsible for bringing them into his realm of clear canvas, where he could design everything according to his imagination. “Discord, what are you doing? How do you have power? And why is Pinkie Pie with you?”

“Now, if you look here, we have the basic characters present in almost any clopfic. They’re usually a good place to work with, what with their character development and whatnot.” He removed three of the ponies from his little herd, leaving Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Rainbow, who had quickly caught on with what Discord was referring to, smiled. Her desire to taste those apples exceeded her want to get into the Wonderbolts. “But any sort of combination with any sort of twist involving just these six has been done already, you aren’t going to get anything original. So, it’s best to just take one of them and pair them with someone else. Try to go bizarre, something so strange that no other writer would have thought of it."

He removed Rainbow from the scene, who screamed “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!” “Don’t worry Skittles, I’ll be referring to you later. You’ll get your chance.” Discord stroked his chin, deciding on the best mate for Applejack. The lack of stallions in Equestria made his selection small. A lightbulb went off in his head as he got an idea, and his brain glowed from the light. He brought in the ever popular Lord of Shadow, King Sombra. “Nice to see you again Sombra. I brought you back from the dead. You’ve got quite the hobby for resurrection, don’t you? I’ve got a beautiful mare, just for you.” Sombra looked at Applejack, who was backing away. Sombra turned away and shook his head.

“Oh right, I forgot about Sombra’s little kink. No worries, we can fix that.” He changed Applejack’s form into that of her Crystal Pony, instantly drawing Sombra in. Unfortunately, Applejack was still wholly uninterested and scared. “The worst part of making a unique couple is that they tend to hate each other. You’re all going to need to solve this problem on your own, but I have my own solution.” He pulled out Princess Cadence from his nonexistent pocket, and began to shake her body over the scene. Love peppered over the scene he had created, and it was ready.

The Crystal Empire was falling. Crystals black as night were rising from the ground, and the Crystal Heart was still secure where King Sombra had hidden it all those centuries ago. His return and conquest had been a success. The only thing he needed to complete his victory was a trophy to prove it. In olden times, it would often be slaves and women. Sombra was an old-fashioned stallion.

He set his smoke-emitting eyes on an orange mare with a Stetson. Ever since she had arrived, he could tell that she had a thing for him. He began to picture her body, beautifully smooth crystals that were amazing to the touch. And his target was the ruby of all men’s desires.

He moved into his smoke body, and flew to the balcony of the castle, where his mare was waiting for him. She welcomed his presence, walking towards her king. She removed her hat and threw it to the ground, smiling. “Gotta say, feels real good to take that hat off. Now I’m fully naked, and we can get to the fun part of the attack.”

Sombra could feel his crystal growing hard as he removed his armor. “I saw and I conquered. The only thing that’s missing is for me to come. I hope that you can arrange that.”

Applejack jumped onto Sombra. “I’ve had plenty of experience with stallions of all types. You’ll be easy to please.”

The two began making love at the end of this little world. Funny enough, Shining Armor had the same idea to make the last of his time. I won’t tell with which mare.

“And there’s a nice little setup for you to work with. I claim no copyrights on anything I come up with, so feel free to write a whole story based on that.” He paused the scene, keeping Sombra and Applejack in very compromising positions. Pinkie pulled out her camera to take a picture for future use.

“But the problem of suggesting ideas like this is that writers will keep thinking outside the box. Soon enough, there will be no combinations left. Well, I’ve prepared for this. Who says that one of your characters has to be character at all? Let’s bring Rainbow back in, shall we? She has no idea what we have planned.”

Rainbow Dash was back, still mad at her loss of Applejack. “You took Applejack away, please give me something to work with here.”

“Don’t worry, Dashie! I’ve got a plan for you. I guarantee that you’re going to enjoy it.” Pinkie whispered her plan into Discord’s ear, who was fully on board with her idea. He got his next scene ready, a hallway of Canterlot Castle.

Rainbow began to pray. “Please be Spitfire, please be Spitfire, please be Spitfire…”

This wasn’t the first time Rainbow had been in this particular hallway. Seeing as how the door at the end was where the Elements of Harmony were usually kept, she had been here before. The walls were adorned with stained glass windows depicting various important scenes in Equestrian history. Nightmare Moon’s defeat, Discord’s defeat, the Changeling attack, and Discord’s second defeat at the hooves of a blue stallion.

“Someday, I’m going to have one of these windows made for me. I’m so awesome that anything I do belongs in the history books. I’m thinking that window.” She pointed at a blank window, also present to be converted at some point in the future. She admired the window, its glass perfectly clear, and steel bars perfectly shaped. Only a window so perfect would be right for her. That was it, right? So why was she feeling other emotions towards this window?

She got close to the window as she contemplated her sexual frustration. Applejack still hadn’t noticed her secret lust, Pinkie was always busy with some boyfriend she wouldn’t reveal, and she still wasn’t a Wonderbolt for easy access to Spitfire. She stroked the glass, admiring how smooth it was. All of the pent up emotions of love she had were bubbling to the surface, and she couldn’t resist the window’s temptation.

She pressed her body against the cold glass, which could do nothing against the heat her body was giving off. She rubbed her candy vag against the window as she moaned in pleasure. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined anything close to this happening, but here she was, losing her virginity to a sheet of glass. And she was enjoying it immensely.

“I think something like that covers the weirdest of what we’re going to experience today. But, since I’m counting that window as a man, we still haven’t gotten to the best part. As we all know, regular sex is great, but it’s better when both parties are the same gender. Unless they’re both men. Why would you even suggest something like that? So, for this demonstration, I’m going to need two mares.” He brought in the two beautiful pegasi, Flitter and Cloud Chaser.

“Discord, they’re sisters. That sounds like it would be really creepy.”

“For once, I’m not forcing them into this scenario. I’ve been watching them, they do this on their own. So, you two!” Flitter and Cloud Chaser looked up at Discord. “Go do what you usually do. We’ll be coming back to you later. Just be at the fun part when we get there.” The two of them nodded and ran off.

“Trust me, incest can make for a very entertaining story. The feeling of doing something wrong heightens the experience, and makes it all the better. Plus, they’re sisters. Not only does it also cover my previous point, it’s really hot. So, we can’t lose. But maybe some of you don’t want that. Yes, you do, but you won’t admit it. You love the characters, but you can’t accept them having sex unless one of them has a penis. So, we’re going to need Twilight.”

He brought Twilight back in, who was still on the offensive. “Discord, I don’t know what you’re doing, but we’re going to stop you! Wait until we get the Elements of Harmony, and you’ll pay!”

“Come on, Twilight, everypony’s having fun! You should join in!”

“Yes, Twilight, loosen up a little. Here, I’ll bring a little friend for you to play with.” Suddenly, the Great and Powerful Trixie.

Twilight was shocked. “Trixie? What are you doing here?”

“The last time you met Trixie, you mentioned a spell that could change a pony’s gender. Let’s do that, shall we?”

“You can’t do a spell like that, it’s impossible!”

Discord pulled out a journal and a pencil, and began to write. Twilight noticed that it was the same journal where she had read about Mirror Pond, distinguished by the cover of a horseshoe with the number 3 inside. “There, not anymore. Have fun!”

“No, Discord! You can’t just rewrite physics like that! I’m not going to be doing anything!”

Trixie got down on her knees. “Please, Twilight, give Trixie this. She’s had to do things other than rock farming to make ends meet, things she would rather not say. But the whole experience left me with a yearning for a pony that I wanted to spend my life with, I needed somepony to love. When I came back to Ponyville, I realized that it was you.”

Twilight blushed heavily. “T-Trixie? Do you really feel that way about me? I mean, I’ll admit, I’ve spent a few lonely nights thinking of you, but this is a shock.”

“Please, Twilight Sparkle! Take Trixie! Bring her into your warm hooves and your soft bed! Let’s have some fun, shall we?”

“You know what, Trixie? Let’s. Come on back to the library, and let’s experiment. As long as I can be doing this gender-switching spell, we should make the most of it.” The two of them left as quickly as they could, eager to begin the night’s activities.

“I think you just started a beautiful relationship. I’ll have to throw a party to celebrate!”

“It’s just too bad that to all of them, this is nothing more than a dream. They’ll still remember it, but it didn’t happen. Maybe it’ll give Twilight the courage to chase after Trixie now. But, moving on! Since you’re filthy enough to write something like this, I can assume that you’ve imagined what it would be like to have sex with a pony. Well, I can tell you from experience, it’s great. But, since it’ll never happen, you just have to accept writing about it. I’ve got a good man to demonstrate.”

An orange pegasus stallion with a gorgeous brown mane was standing outside of Fluttershy’s cottage. “Hello, readers, I’m Flame Bristle. I’m the author of this story, and I’ve decided to write myself in. Ever since I first discovered her, I’ve been pining for both Fluttershy and the fjords. Don’t ask about the second one. The point is, I’ve got a chance here, and it’s time to have sex with the woman of my dreams. And it’s going to be awesome.” Bristle walked to the front door and knocked. Fluttershy answered, and that was all it took.

“That just leaves poor Rarity without a special somepony to spend her time with.”

“And I plan to fix that as well. The final lesson for selecting your character is to feel free to select characters from other universes. Doesn’t matter which one. I’ve got a particular character in mind.” Standing in front of him was now a blue unicorn stallion with a matching blue helmet.

He instantly recognized Discord. “What are you doing? How are you still alive? I left you trapped in the Chaos Realm!”

“Really, Mega Stallion? Two stories ago, and that’s how you decide to say hello? You didn’t think I made a reference to our fight earlier for nothing? I’ve brought you here as a form of payback for what you did to me. Do you remember your deal with Rarity? The one you’ve been working to avoid? Well, it’s caught up with you, and she wants compensation for having to wait so long. And don’t try to resist, I’ve disabled your magic.”

Rarity grabbed Mega Stallion and pulled him away to have her way with him. All he could do was scream for help.

“And that concludes step one. We’ll be going to a commercial break, and when we come back, we’ll help you with fleshing out your story.”