The Dating Game... in Equestria!

"Oh, woe is Trixie!"

A hoof slammed onto a low metal rack, knocking items on it in random directions. Trixie slumped over the shelf, taking deep breaths and trying to prepare herself for twenty-two minutes of ridicule and stupidity.

Princess Celestia had "generously" offered Trixie a job as the hostess of some game show after the fiasco with the Alicorn Amulet, a proposition that the unicorn was quick to accept. Unfortunately, Trixie had neglected to read between the lines, or even what the show was, and as she found out soon after, the contract was concrete and binding. The unicorn was hired for an undisclosed number of episodes for "The Dating Game in Equestria," and there was no way out.

She had tried killing herself, but an entire bottle of Ibuprofen only made her hurl a lot.

Wiping her mouth free of a strain of saliva, Trixie staggered to the door of her dressing room and threw it open, not bothering with being annoyed at the bright studio lights; she was too busy with being annoyed at the cheap, gaudy outfit the production staff had forced her to wear. Trixie pulled at the tight collar, looking at the hot pink bowtie with disgust. Could they have at least let me wear a suit that wasn't bright yellow? At least the show was cheesy enough that she didn't have to worry about her reputation being ruined by wearing the little yellow abhorrence; any lingering self-respect she had was already in shambles anyway.

Shuddering, Trixie walked out onto the studio floor. Immediately the live audience cheered, startling Trixie out of her thoughts. The unicorn scrambled back behind the curtain, and the whoops and catcalls slowly died down to a whisper. Inhaling sharply, Trixie glanced over at the screen hiding three of the contestants.

"Thirty seconds!" one of the crewmembers stage-whispered.

Trixie knew a thing or two about show business, but she also knew that this wasn't going to be like a performance that she would put on. The crowd expected things here, things that made Trixie question the future of ponykind, and no matter how much time she had to herself there was always a tingling, nervous tremble about her body whenever she tried to remain calm.

"And five… four… three… two… one… we're live!"

The audience burst into applause at some generic theme song music playing. Somepony shoved Trixie, whispering, "Get out there, you mule!" Sending a disdainful look over her shoulder, Trixie reentered the filming area, grimacing at the ponies in the audience. Several of them looked drunk, and a few were lolling in their seats, either asleep or passed out. Groaning, Trixie approached center stage while staring straight down at the flimsy wooden floor.

Raising her head with no enthusiasm, Trixie magically pulled up her prompt cards, doing her best to look as uninterested and bored as she could. "Hello, and welcome to the first episode of-"

"Boo!" shouted somepony in the audience. A number of protests rang out at the speaker, and Trixie considered the strange dichotomy of the crowd: some were supportive, while others hated her.

Shrugging, Trixie continued. "Welcome to the first episode of 'The Dating Game in Equestria.' Today, you get to see two different ponies pick somepony from a group of three other contestants to date. These other contestants are unknown to the picker, because they are both shielded by a screen and have their voices altered with our sophisticated voice-changer. This makes the game… exciting, apparently. So, let's meet our unfortunate victim."

Trixie tromped over to the earth pony sitting in a chair, looking around the studio in wonder and waving every so often to the audience. "Today, our mare of the hour is… Pinkie Pie."

"Hi!" Pinkie Pie said, turning to Trixie. "What are you doing here? And by the way, what am I doing here?" The pony giggled.

"You're a contestant for this dumb game show," Trixie replied, keeping her distance from the pony's jubilance. "You're going to have to pick a pony to go on a date with."

"A date?" Pinkie tilted her head. "I don't have a calendar with me, although I'm pretty sure it's the seventh. Ooh, unless you're talking about these!" Pinkie Pie held up several small fruits.

Trixie covered her face with a hoof, trying desperately to keep it from moving to the earth pony's throat. The unicorn hadn't even introduced all of the contestants yet, and already she was feeling a rising urge to murder one of them. "No, you're going to be going out for a night on the town with one of three anonymous ponies. You ask them questions and pick one at the end."

"Oh. In that case, I pick you!"

Trixie snapped her head back up, surprised and disgusted. "What-? No, you can't pick Trixie! It's not that easy!"

"Aww…" Pinkie Pie pouted, crossing her forelegs over her chest.

Shaking her head, Trixie began moving to the screen to introduce the three stallions.

"You forgot to give her the question card!" one of the ponies offstage hissed.

Grumbling, Trixie slapped the card on Pinkie's nose with a flick of her horn before marching over to the screen. Pinkie Pie was plastered all over the advertisements, so it was likely that the screened stallions volunteered because they wanted a date with Pinkie Pie, not some random mare. "Okay, here we are with our three so-called lucky contestants. In chair number one, we have…" Trixie trailed off in disbelief.

"…a Wonderbolt."

Soarin' grinned in his officer's uniform, looking like he was having the time of his life. "You betcha, son!"

"Trixie is not your son," Trixie snapped. "Why are you even on the show?"

"'Cause the last time I was in Ponyville, I took a stop by Sugarcube Corner, and I tell you, those pies were in the sky!" Soarin' punctuated this with a whoop, throwing a hoof in the air and almost hitting the screen in front of him.

Trixie sighed, choosing to simply move on. "And for number two, we have- whoah!"

Snails was perched on the metal folding chair, grinning like a madpony. "Hi there, Great and Powerful Trixie."

"H-How did you even get onstage? They're not supposed to let colts on!" Trixie yelled.

Snails shrank back from Trixie's angry glare. "I-I like Pinkie Pie, she's nice and her cupcakes taste good."

Trixie screamed in frustration before stomping over to the third pony. "And here we have…" Trixie glanced at one of her cards. "Caramel."

"Um, hi," the earth pony said, nervously regarding the crowd. "I'm-"

"Okay, thank you, whatever," Trixie interrupted, "but it's time to get to the game. Pinkie, ask one of these ponies a question already."

"Oh, goody! Okay, um, pony one, do you like waffles?"

"No!" Trixie said. "You have to ask the questions on the card!"

"But why? I don't want to!"

Trixie seethed. "Just. Do it."

Pinkie Pie scrunched up her face. "Fine. Pony number one, if you could pick the romantic music for our date, what would it be?"

"'Loyalty' by my bro Mando!" Soarin' shouted, raising his hooves into the air.

Pinkie Pie waited for a few seconds, before snapping back to the card. "Pony two, what base would you go to for the first time?"

Snails looked up to the ceiling. "Um, well if I just hit the ball, I'd go to… first base, right? And then you have to run around until you get to the big diamond-shaped one. So I'd go to home plate as fast as I could!"

Trixie curled into as dignified a ball as she could as the audience erupted into raucous laughter. Snails just blinked.

"Pony three," Pinkie Pie said, seemingly unfazed by Snails' unintentional innuendo. "Have you lost your 'special something' yet?"

"Well, um, I've lost a few things…" Caramel flushed at the studio's laughter. "N-Not that, though! Just some seeds!" The howls increased in volume. The beet-red earth pony covered his face with his hooves. "Just, leave me alone…"

"Um, okay," Pinkie said. Her eyes scanned the card. "I don't like these questions."

"Well, too bad, because you have to ask them," Trixie answered. The unicorn wished she had a clock so that she knew how long it was going to be before the torture was over for commercial break.

"Well, you're a poopy-pants and I'm going to ask my own questions anyway!" Pinkie tossed the card on the floor, before putting a hoof to her chin. "Pony one, do you like waffles?"

"Well, I like waffles, and pancakes, and French toast, but my favorite dish is a nice, big pie!" Soarin' started doing a little dance in his seat. Trixie felt like she wanted to cry; whether at how bad the show was or how poorly this Wonderbolt member was behaving like a professional, she couldn't tell.

"Ooh, I think I like this pony!" Pinkie Pie said. "Okay, pony two, do you like playing games?"

"I like playing games!" The colt smiled. "I like playing with my friends the most, but when they're busy I just play with myself."

"Where did they find these ponies…" Trixie muttered as the audience broke out in rude guffaws. To be fair, Snails was asking for it by trying to get on the show.

Pinkie scratched her chin. "Hmm… pony three, if I were to bake seven hundred cookies, would you eat them all with me?"

Caramel straightened up. "Uh, I guess so. I mean, um, if I didn't puke first. I mean, not because your cookies are bad! Just, I might get a tummy ache, you know, from eating all of those cookies, and, um, yeah." The earth pony sat there, twiddling his hooves.

"Aw, that's disappointing." Pinkie Pie frowned, before brightening up. "Pony two! Do you like parties?"

"Um… If there's presents, then I like parties." Snails looked at the audience in confusion as they complained about Snails' lack of a clearly dirty answer. One of the audience members shouted, "Hey, do some magic tricks with carrots!" to more crude laughter.

Trixie wondered how easy it would be to stab herself on her own horn.

"Presents, huh…" Pinkie said. "Pony one! If you could have any one thing, right now, what would it be?"

"Um…" Soarin' bit his hoof, sucking on it. Trixie gagged. "I guess… I'd want a Jacuzzi in my house, because they're awesome."

"Ooh, I want a Jacuzzi too! Except only the spa place has them, and Rarity always insists on trying to style my mane when she talks to me about it, even though she's tried like seventy-three times and all she's managed to do is get the curls to go the opposite way, which is why-"

"Okay, you're done," Trixie interrupted. "Pick a pony now. Please."

"Um, okay," Pinkie said. "I pick… pony one!"

"Oh, thank Celestia," Trixie murmured, having been terrified of what would happen if Pinkie had said two. Taking a composed breath, Trixie magicked her cards back up in front of her. "Let's see who you rejected."

Caramel came out from behind the screen, giving a quick smile to Pinkie Pie. "You rejected Caramel of Ponyville." Caramel shrugged before walking offstage, slipping slightly on the floor. That night, he would wail about how he was destined to be forever alone after his fillyfriend had broken up with him.

After a few seconds of nopony else emerging from the screen, Trixie lost her patience. "Hey, colt! Get out here!" Snails peeked around the screen at the unicorn before darting off the stage up to the studio doors and rushing out.

Trixie raised an eyebrow. "You also rejected Snails of Ponyville."

The screen lifted, while a crackly drumroll played from the studio's speakers. "Which leaves… Soarin', of Cloudsdale." A cymbal crashed and a scant amount of confetti dropped onto the floor.

"Hi, mister Soarin'!" Pinkie greeted, running over and enthusiastically shaking Soarin's hoof. "I'm Pinkie Pie! You like pie, so it's a good match I think!"

Soarin' laughed. "For sure, Pinkie!"

"Now, you have to pick your vacation spot!" Trixie interjected, holding three envelopes up to the ponies' noses.

Pinkie Pie's left back leg thumped the floor, and her right knee wobbled. "Ooh! I know! I know!"

Trixie drew the envelopes back from Pinkie's extending hoof. "Uh, Trixie doesn't think so, freaky-hooves. Soarin' picks."

"Aw," Pinkie mumbled as Soarin' picked the center envelope. "I wanted the left one…"

Trixie opened the pair's chosen envelope. "Looks like you two get to take a trip to… Ponyville, how wonderful for you."

"Oh well, at least we can grab something at Sugarcube Corner," Soarin' said.

"Okay, mister Soarin'!" The two exited the stage, and Trixie turned around at the somewhat displeased-looking audience.

"Well, there you go. Coming up next, is our unlucky stallion picking from three equally unlucky mares. I'll see you in five."

The audience reluctantly clapped as generic theme music emitted from the speakers, and Trixie trotted with as much pride as she could to her dressing room before attacking her suit with scratching hooves and magic. "It itches, it itches!"

"Hello, and welcome back to 'The Dating Game in Equestria,' with The Great and Powerful Trixie as your host," Trixie read off her card. "In the second part of our show, there will be one stallion asking three mares questions, blah blah blah, like it matters. Let's meet our stallion."

Trixie walked over to the chair, now occupied with a brown earth pony with moneybags as his Cutie Mark. "Say hi to the ponies, Filthy."

"I prefer Mr. Rich," the pony answered, giving a curt wave of his hoof.

"Yeah, you're not going to get by with that name here; the audience will call you Filthy no matter what you say," Trixie commented, before moving on to the screens. "And here are our hopefully not-ugly contestants. In chair one we have- P-Princess Luna?!"

The Princess of the Night herself gazed down at Trixie from her chair. "Greetings, subject."

"Wh-What are you doing here?" Trixie asked, dumbfounded.

"I was hoping to familiarize myself with the working pony's recreational activities," the Princess explained. "Hence, I considered it a welcome opportunity to appear to ponies as an equal, rather than as above them."

"Okay, that's a great idea in theory, but this was not the game show to pick for that," Trixie said, exasperated. "It's a dating game; there are questions that are… sexual!"

Luna considered this for a moment. "Then I suppose it would be a welcome opportunity to learn about current word usage in passionate relationships."

Trixie moaned before looking at the second chair. "Our second mare is… okay, who let you in?"

The mayor of Ponyville grinned proudly. "I applied! I was hoping to get a date with Mr. Rich to convince him to donate some of it to the Ponyville Town Hall! We do enjoy keeping our town nice and tidy!"

Trixie felt her temper rising, and a few breaths didn't help. "Okay, just one more… in chair three, we have- oh, you've got to be kidding me."

A maroon earth pony guzzled from a bottle filled with what looked like white wine. "Hey, wazzup."

"That's it, I quit. Trixie has had enough of this." Trixie tore off her suit and bowtie, teleporting out. The crowd began yelling, demanding that the show go on, and the four ponies grew increasingly uncomfortable, bar Berry Punch as she was far too interested in sipping her drink.

Filthy Rich fidgeted in his seat. "Can I ask the questions now?"

"YES!" the crowd roared in response.

"Um, okay," Filthy Rich said, looking at the card he was given. "Pony number one, how old are you?"

Princess Luna's eyes widened, and she lowered her head in thought. Should I reveal my true age? Would anypony be able to use that truth against Celestia or myself? The Princess paused. Perhaps I should be roundabout.

Filthy Rich cleared his throat. "Um, pony one?"

"Hold a moment!" Princess Luna snapped, before thinking hard. What was the life expectancy for ponies nowadays? It was probably safe as long as she kept within double-digits.

"I am over seventy!" the Princess declared.

"O-Oh my!" Filthy Rich exclaimed. Unwanted thoughts filled his head of a random old mare of seventy cuddling him. Blushing furiously, the earth pony coughed and fiddled with his card. "Pony two, which do you value more: time or money?"

"Money!" the mayor squeaked. "Money money, money money money…"

Filthy Rich inched his chair away from the screen. While wealth was fine, this mare seemed obsessed with it. "…Pony two?"

The mayor snapped out of her revelry at Filthy Rich's words. "Yes, money? I mean, honey?"

"Never mind," the stallion said quickly, returning to the questions on the card. "Um, pony three, do you have any embarrassing secrets?"

"Weeeeelllll…" Berry Punch drawled out. "I can't stop myself from drinking from the punch bowl at parties. I'm addicted to fruit juice." The earth pony took another swig of her sparkling white grape peach juice bottle, smacking her lips. "I also get kicked out of places a lot because 'I look drunk.' What's up with that, know what I'm sayin'? You spell fruit juice and alcohol differently, for one thing. I mean, maybe I don't wash my mane every month. What's it to you, and why should I care?"

Filthy Rich suppressed a whimper. None of these ponies were sounding all that great for a night out. "Pony one…" the businesspony picked a question at random. "How might you describe your…" The pony's face scrunched up in confusion. "Tail?"

"Oh, it's shiny, dark blue and very long! See?" With this, Princess Luna flipped around, revealing her tail in all its twinkling, starry beauty. Almost all of the audience members screamed, and several fainted, although it was more due to the fact that she was essentially flashing her hiney. A security guard came onstage, turned the princess around and warned her not to do that again. Luna nodded and bowed her head, pretending to be sorry. These ponies are unaware of the purpose of "mooning," it seems…

Although Filthy Rich could not see the action from his vantage point, a piece of him deep down shuddered. "P-Pony two, if you made breakfast in bed, what would it be?"

"Well," the mayor of Ponyville said, "I'd serve some pancakes with butter, and I suppose orange juice if citrus is in season, and I'd make a side of hash browns."

"R-Really?" Filthy Rich sputtered, incredulous that a pony had answered with a statement that didn't scar him.

"Oh, and for you I'd make some cold cereal!" Mayor Mare wriggled in her seat.

"…Okay…" The stallion's ears drooped as his brief hope got shot down. "Pony three, if the world was ending in ten seconds, what would you say?"

"Um…" Berry Punch put a hoof to her chin. "I guess I'd say, 'well, it was a fun ride while it lasted,' and just have a moment of peace with myself. I mean, there's no real point to freak out if you can't do anything about it." The mare tipped her drink up, but nothing came out. "Aw, shucks. Out of juice."

Filthy Rich smiled a little at the response, but then Berry Punch stood up on her chair and began shouting, "Who's got some juice around here?" Most ponies in the crowd shied away from the mare's yells, and after a few calls Berry finally sighed and walked offstage, heading through the studio's double doors and into the lobby.

Filthy Rich blinked. "Was that supposed to happen?" Nopony answered. "…Okay. Um, pony one, if I became a lunatic, what would you do to help me?"

"A lunatic?" The princess tilted her head. "I am unfamiliar with this word. Might you define it?"

"Uh, lunatic? Madpony? Insane? Crazy?"

Princess Luna's jaw dropped. "You-You ponies have taken my name and… CORRUPTED IT TO 'INSANITY'?" The enraged princess smashed the screen down, showing the terrified earth pony her glowing eyes and fully unfurled wings. "THOU SHALT PAY THE PRICE FOR YOUR WORDS!" Luna's horn charged with a midnight radiance, darkening the surrounding area in a blanket of light-draining murk.

Filthy Rich gulped, sinking as low in his seat as he could. "P-Please don't hurt me…"

The princess of the night's expression showed no mercy.

"IT WILL COST YOU… SEVEN MILLION BITS!"

Trixie regarded the tale with an air of indifference. "Yes, it went just about as well as Trixie expected it to."

The alicorn's subsequent assault on Filthy Rich had somehow been erased from both the cameras' recording banks and the spectators' minds, but the experience had left Filthy Rich gibbering so incoherently about the price of his repentance that he had to be committed to Canterlot's Institution for the Mentally Ill. Princess Celestia was consoling her sister on the other side of the break room. The Princess of the Night was taking deep, controlled breaths while being patted on the back.

Berry Punch had missed all the drama while arguing with a manager over the lack of a concession stand, and left the studio somewhat disappointed, although she had reduced her vocal complaints to irritated grumbling once she received the cash sum paid out to all of the participants. Mayor Mare left afterwards, dragging her mane in the dirt as she walked to the train station to return to Ponyville, muttering about how "such a waste of money it was, such a waste…"

"Meaning Trixie made the right choice when Trixie walked off the stage," Trixie said.

"No, you did not," Princess Celestia interrupted, joining Trixie and the tech crewmember speaking to her. "I believe you need to read this."

Trixie's contract was shoved under her nose. As she perused the scroll, Princess Celestia glared at her. "Your contract involves hosting the show, without leaving in the middle of it. I am going to have to give you a penalty for this, Beatrice Lulamoon."

Trixie gulped. "I-Is it a harsh penalty?"

Then Princess Celestia stomped on her right foreleg.

Trixie crumpled to the ground screaming. "OW! That wasn't a penalty! You just broke my leg!"

"Yeah, but you learned your lesson, didn't you?" Celestia walked back over to her sister, and the two princesses left the studio, leaving the unicorn hostess sobbing on the floor, cradling her hoof in pain.