The Dating Game... in Equestria!

As the generic theme music came to life within the speakers' innards and the studio audience applauded, Trixie limped to the front of the stage, a too-wide smile on her face.

"Hi, everypony!" Trixie squeaked through her teeth. "Welcome to 'The Dating Game in Equestria'! I'm your host, Trixie! I'm very happy today, because our Princess Celestia wants me to be happy! Don't you want to be happy, too?" Trixie took the opportunity to thump her right foreleg on the floor, drawing attention to the cast it was in. "That's right! Be happy!" Hopefully that'll get the fillies scared tonight. At least I can give the audience a little doubt about their do-no-wrong princess with this cast on my leg.

Trixie shuffled over to the folding chair holding a nervous-looking mare. "And here we have our pony of the hour, Ms. Cloudchaser of Ponyville! Say hi, Cloudchaser!"

The pegasus recoiled away from Trixie's forced grin, almost toppling her chair. "U-Um, h-hi."

"Be happy!" Trixie screamed at her.

Cloudchaser revealed her teeth as she smiled fearfully back.

"Good!" Trixie said. The unicorn had to suppress a chuckle at Cloudchaser's terrified countenance, or it would have ruined the effect. Cantering over to the screen—an action that looked more like a shuffle with her cast on—Trixie stopped and faced the audience. "Now, there is a sophisticated voice-changer and a not-so-sophisticated wall in place, so that Ms. Cloudchaser here doesn't know which ponies are which! Let's play, because we're good ponies who do what we're told! Isn't that right?!" Satisfied with the crowd's silent horror, Trixie whirled around, making sure to twitch her eye before doing so. "And in our first chair, we have…" Trixie's grin quickly fell. "…A sheriff. Yeah, figures."

Sheriff Silverstar snorted. "Now, missy, you go apologize to everypony, especially that fine young mare over there right now. I know you're havin' your fun, but it ain't right to scare somepony doin' it like that."

Trixie backed up, surprised that this pony knew that she was just trying to scare everypony. "And how do you know Trixie was just pretending?"

The sheriff regarded her with a stern look. "That just about tells me right there, don't it?"

Trixie sighed. "Fine. Trixie is sorry, everypony."

"Sorry for what?" Silverstar egged on.

"Sorry that you're such a mule," Trixie said, expecting some sort of laughter. Hearing none, the hostess turned around to see that the entire audience was glaring at her.

Trixie sighed. "Fine, Trixie's sorry for scaring everypony by trying to make it sound like Celestia is a tyrant who breaks dissenters by painting smiley faces on their souls." Trixie gave a wide grin to Sheriff Silverstar. "Happy?"

The stallion grunted.

Trixie rolled her eyes before walking over to the second chair, stumbling a few times in the process. "And in chair number two, we have… yeah, we have a Thunderlane from Ponyville. Say hi, or whatever."

"Hi, everypony." The black-coated pegasus waved. "I'm here because-"

"Yeah, you know what, nopony cares," Trixie interrupted.

Thunderlane swiveled his head to look at Trixie indignantly. "Hey, I'm trying to convince my fillyfriend over there that we really are supposed to be together!"

"And in chair number three," Trixie continued, ignoring him, "we have what looks to be a very muscular pegasus."

"YEEEEEAAAAH!" Big McLargehooves shouted.

"Now then, Cloudchaser," Trixie said, limping back over, "here's your question card. Ask only questions that are on that card. After several questions to each pony, Trixie will stop you, and you'll have to pick one of them. Sound fair? Sounds fair. Go." Trixie stomped over to the corner of the stage, where she plopped down and waited for the shenanigans to ensue.

"Okay, pony one," Cloudchaser began, scanning the questions with a distasteful expression. "I don't like most of these… whatever, pony one, how fast are you in a relationship?"

"Doin' such a thing too fast is a disgrace to my profession," Sheriff Silverstar asserted. "I'll be havin' no such thoughts before we know each other real well."

"Oh," Cloudchaser replied. Okay, so you're an uptight guy. Not likely to throw around "sex" all the time, at least, unlike my coltfriend. "Pony two, if I was angry at you, what kind of gifts would you give me?"

"I'd give you everything I could," Thunderlane said, thinking of the kinds of presents that mares like. "Chocolates, flowers, stuffed animals, heart-shaped balloons, um, you know, fancy rings…"

Cloudchaser gagged. "Yuck. That sounds like the tacky stuff my coltfriend gives me."

Thunderlane blushed as the audience laughed.

"Pony three," the pegasus mare said, sticking her tongue out at the question card in front of her. "Do you like bondage, roleplay, or other such bedtime activities?"

The huge white stallion looked like he didn't want to say anything, but nonetheless still blurted out a "YEEEEEAAAAH!"

"Ew!" Many audience members shared Cloudchaser's sentiment. "That's gross!"

"YEEEEEAAAAH!" the stallion shouted out again, only to receive more offended outcries.

"Ugh, I know I'm not picking you," Cloudchaser muttered. "Pony one, what kind of dances would you take me to?"

"Well, I can have fun with either Wild West or Mild West," Silverstar said, "but to be honest I'd dance to whatever you have in mind. If you're the one I'm takin' out, it's only fair that you pick the dance, right?"

Cloudchaser smiled. "Yeah, that sounds about right." Her smile quickly faded after she glanced back down at the card, making an expression of disgust. "Pony two, what's your best pickup line?"

Thunderlane quivered before taking a deep breath and slicking back his mane with a hoof. "Well baby," the pegasus said, making his voice deep, "if I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"

"Yes, I would," Cloudchaser replied. A few chuckles escaped from the audience. "That's so cliché."

Thunderlane whimpered. "I just want to be loved… is that so wrong?"

"Pony three," Cloudchaser said. "What song best describes your attitude towards females?"

Now the gigantic stallion really looked like he didn't want to answer, but nonetheless he still belted out a "YEEEEEAAAAH!"

Cloudchaser recoiled away. "You mean that song by Usher?! Disgusting!"

Boos filled the air as crowd members heckled Big McLargehooves's choice. The pegasus hunkered down, looking like a massive, fleshy blob of white as he scrunched into the chair in shame.

"Ugh, whatever," Cloudchaser said, her mouth hanging slightly open from her false choking. "Pony one, what would you describe as a 'perfect date'?"

"Well," the sheriff said, "it'd have to be somethin' we could both agree to; other than that, I'd let you take things from there. I mean, I'm a gentlecolt. The point is for you to have fun, and as long as you're happy, I reckon I'd be happy too."

Cloudchaser's face lit up. "Aw, that's so sweet!"

Sheriff Silverstar took his hat off and hid his face from the audience. "Aw, shucks… you're makin' me blush."

Cloudchaser giggled, before looking back at the card. "Pony two, um, who do you think should pay the bill for our first dinner date?"

Thunderlane snapped to attention. "Obviously, the bill should be split! That's only fair, after all."

Cloudchaser scoffed. "Obviously, the stallion always pays on the first date. Don't you know anything about dating etiquette?"

Thunderlane's ears drooped as the audience began laughing. "Well, um, I try…"

"You're not trying hard enough, then," Cloudchaser lectured. "Come back when you actually know these things." The mare shook her head. "Pony three, which do you think is most important: having a great sense of humor, having an intelligent conversation, being active and staying healthy, or being passionate about life?"

Another "YEEEEEAAAAH!" echoed through the room.

"Say something other than 'yeah,'" Cloudchaser said, a look of annoyance on her face.

Sweat began running down Big McLargehooves's face as he began huffing. Grunting noises issued from the stallion's throat as his chest heaved. "Y…y…yyyyyyyyyyyy…"

"Pony three? Hurry up!"

Big's eyes darted around wildly. His buzz cut mane began fraying, and the sweat pouring down his body got even more intense. "Yyyyyyyyyyy… Y-Y…"

"Okay," Trixie interrupted, "Trixie thinks that you need to pick a pony before one of our contestants explodes." A sigh of relief came from the buff pegasus.

"Can you really do that?" Cloudchaser asked with a raised eyebrow. "Just, explode? For no reason?"

"You'd be surprised," Trixie deadpanned. "Now come on, pick already, you're wasting Trixie's time."

Cloudchaser mumbled mocking words under her breath, before shouting out "Pony one!"

"Okay, great, fantastic. Woohoo." Trixie thumped over to the screen. "Let's see who you rejected. First off, we have Thunderlane from Ponyville."

The pegasus came out from behind the screen with tears in his eyes. "I thought that we were going to be together forever, Cloudchaser! But you… you…" Thunderlane didn't finish, running out of the studio with teardrops trailing behind him.

Trixie snorted at him. "Anyway, you also rejected Big McLargehooves, also of Ponyville."

The bulky pegasus carried himself with a surprising amount of dignity as he stepped out from behind the screen. He began to walk off, only to be stopped by a hoof.

"Hey," Cloudchaser said, fluttering next to him. "No hard feelings, Big."

"Yeah," the stallion said, before exiting the studio.

"And that just leaves…" Trixie waited for the snare drumroll for a few seconds. After only hearing a cough from somepony in the first few rows, Trixie sighed. "Speakers must be broken… whatever, you chose Sheriff Silverstar of Appleloosa. Whee."

The screen rose, and the sheriff stepped out. "Howdy, miss."

Cloudchaser landed next to him. "Hi!"

"Now you've got to pick your trip location, so pick one," Trixie said.

At a bow from the sheriff, Cloudchaser motioned towards the rightmost envelope. Levitating it up, Trixie opened it with all the finesse of a trained magician who was far too bored with the whole deal to bother with any grace whatsoever. Reading from the half-crumpled card, Trixie smirked; the pair had gotten the booby prize. "Looks like you two will be having your vacation in the San Palomino desert. Lucky you."

Cloudchaser and Silverstar's faces fell. The two looked at each other with a mixture of disbelief and resignation.

"Come on, you two, off the stage," Trixie urged, shoving them off with a push of magic. "Trixie needs some alone time." Turning back around, Trixie shook her head back and forth while staring at the audience and saying, "come back after the break to have some more fun with us here at 'The Dating Game in Equestria'!" Trixie dashed offstage as the lights dimmed. No music played from the speakers, and after a few seconds a technician pony came out and started fiddling with the equipment.

The stage lights clicked on as Trixie sauntered onstage, an action hindered considerably with the cast on her foreleg. The crowd began awkwardly clapping to silence before the generic theme music boomed out of the speakers, deafening almost everypony in assembly. Screams shot out from amongst the ponies for a few mind-numbingly loud seconds before the music's volume lowered to a more reasonable level, and Trixie cautiously raised herself off from where she was cowering on the floor.

The unicorn hostess muttered to herself about getting better speakers for the show, and maybe less generic theme music as well, before speaking up, addressing the audience: "Hello, and welcome back to the second half of 'The Dating Game in Equestria.' This time, we have a stallion asking three mares questions. Let's get this over with."

Trixie walked over to the apple-red stallion sitting in the stallion's seat. "Okay then, introduce yourself. And by 'introduce yourself,' I don't mean a life's story."

The stallion shrugged. "Name's Big Macintosh."

After a few seconds, Trixie stopped blinking in shock. "Wow, you actually listened to me. Nopony ever does that."

Another shrug.

"Well, let's meet the female contestants this time around. First we have… a zebra. Yeah, because that makes sense."

"What?" Zecora asked. "Are you saying a zebra can't date? Unlike you, at least I'm actually straight."

"Ooh"s and "burn"s came from the audience as Trixie snarled in anger. "Trixie is perfectly heterosexual, thank you very much."

"Tell yourself whatever you want to believe," Zecora scoffed, "but you should lose the getup if you are trying to deceive."

Trixie flushed as she looked down at her hideous yellow jacket. "It's not mine, it's the producers' stupid idea. And I'm not a lesbian!"

"Of course you're not gay, and this is a toupee." Zecora slung her Mohawk around, to the audience's cheers and laughs.

Trixie could feel steam coming out of her nostrils, but she took the moral highroad and decided that she'd get back at the zebra after she taught Twilight Sparkle a lesson. "For pony two, we have- wait, aren't you his sister?!"

Applejack huffed, crossing her forelegs as she sat on the chair. "You're durn right I am!"

"Wh-what the hay? What the hay?" Trixie spluttered.

"Well, what if some creep got here instead of me?" Applejack argued. "I ain't gonna let some weirdo go on a date with my brother!"

Trixie facehoofed so hard she nearly knocked herself over. "Okay then, Apple-whatever-your-name-is. Moving on, we have Princess Cadance." Trixie looked up at the princess, a bored expression on her face. "Sorry if I'm not really reacting to this, it's just that honestly, I've dealt with enough of this that I'm not going to even bother any more."

Princess Cadance regarded the unicorn with a degree of curiosity. "You're not asking me why I'm here when I'm married to Shining Armor already?"

"Go ahead, be Trixie's guest," Trixie said, walking back over to Big Macintosh.

"Well," the princess began, "after our honeymoon, I got to thinking, since I'm immortal, then what's going to happen after Shining Armor is dead? So I decided that I'd try to get used to shopping around for males; you know, browse the selection, and learn how to get all the good ones? I just want to keep my options open."

"Disgusting," Trixie commented. "Anyway, here are your questions, Big, or Mac, or whatever, just ask them and I'll tell you when you can shut your trap." Trixie parked her hiney off in the background, and pulled out a small videogame system. A series of beeps and clicks sounded as Trixie began playing Killer Instinct.

"Pony one," Big Macintosh said, his voice gruff from its relative lack of use. "If you could hear what somepony's thinkin' for the day, who and why?"

"That's something I don't need to experiment for," Zecora answered. "You see, I've done it once before. A friend of mine was feeling sick way back when, and she asked me to make her well again. I used an herbal batch to read her tired mind, and you would not believe the stuff that I did find." Zecora shook her head. "Oh, bricks were shat, you can believe that."

Big Macintosh did not react physically, but his eyes betrayed his wish to un-hear those words. "Pony two, if you could commit any crime and get away with it, what would it be?"

Applejack gulped, not only wanting to avoid telling her brother of any crimes she might actually want to commit, but also wanting to avoid lying. "Well, I reckon I'd… um…" She glanced around, panicking. A cheesy-looking bobsled drawing was hanging up on the wall, as a part of the shoddy "holiday-season decorations" that really only meant lost-and-found items that were festive by the smallest measure glued to the walls. "Sleigh…" Applejack caught sight of one of the audience members wearing a rosy-colored cardigan. "Pink…" A unicorn was punching away at a typewriter in the front row, disdain clear on his face. The unicorn muttered under his breath as a key got stuck. "Key…" Another audience member, terribly bored of the show, was finishing a packed lunch, devouring the last bit of a cherry pie. "Pie. Yeah, slay Pinkie Pie!" Applejack's hooves clapped to her mouth too late, as she had already blurted out her poorly constructed statement.

"An understandable thirst," Zecora added, looking over at the earth pony, "but I wanted to do it first."

Applejack grabbed the underside of her chair and began hopping away from Zecora as quietly as possible.

"Pony three," Big Macintosh said, licking his lips. "If you could be a Princess for a day, what would you do?"

"Oh, but being a princess is awful!" Cadance screeched. "You're constantly the subject of endless bows, you have to deal with all of the responsibilities that come with having an entire country to look after, not to mention juggling Shining around all that, and on top of it all there is constant demand to attend parties and fashion shows and auctions for charity and it's just endless!" Princess Cadance gasped a few breaths before composing herself. "Although I suppose I do enjoy being able to go to the royal kitchen and eat all of the chocolate ice cream out of the Neapolitan, leaving only the vanilla and strawberry."

"You monster!" somepony from the crowd shouted.

"Hey," the princess yelled back, "it's executive privilege!"

"Pony one," Big Macintosh interrupted. "What languages do you speak?"

Zecora smiled, and said: "Haijalishi wewe ni nani, pundamilia ni bora kuliko wewe."

"Ooh, that sounds so mystical!" Princess Cadance gushed.

Big Macintosh didn't know what the zebra had said, but felt that he agreed with the foreign statement. "Pony two, what's your biggest regret?"

"Well, there's always the times when I forget myself for a while," Applejack said, "but I suppose my biggest regret was eatin' a pear. I'll never forgive myself for that."

"Pony three," Big Macintosh said, blinking, "what's your favorite season?"

"Oh, I like the summer," Princess Cadance answered. "'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?' It's just so romantic. Did you know that June is the most popular month for marriages? Being able to smell the sweet, crisp summer nights while sitting on a porch of some kind, gazing at all the fireflies twinkling in the air…"

Applejack glanced at Princess Cadance, then back at Big Macintosh. The stallion was smiling, staring wide-eyed at the screen shielding the princess from view.

"…and then we could enjoy a cup of piping hot cocoa while we stargaze, or maybe tell each other what we did that day. It's not really much, but I like to think that not much makes the best of things."

"Eeyup," Big Macintosh agreed. Before he could look back down at his card, however, a crash sounded as Applejack kicked down the screen.

"How could you, Big Mac?! Fallin' for such a sappy scheme as that!"

Big Macintosh stiffened at the sight of his sister. "Uh, nope, sorry, I don't know what you're talkin' about…"

"You know right well what I'm talkin' 'bout!" Applejack shouted, burying her forehead into Big Macintosh's skull. Her eyes tore at Big Mac's in a frenzied blaze of green. "You're not gonna get with somepony just 'cause she's sayin' sweet nothin's! No brother of mine is gonna be easy, not with me here!"

Princess Cadance gulped, and quickly teleported outside to protect herself from possible Apple family retribution.

Big Macintosh was never one to argue, so instead he just jumped out of his seat, galloping for the exit.

Applejack whipped around. "Oh no you don't!" Her flying tackle brought the stallion to the ground, where the siblings began exchanging blows.

Trixie bothered to look up from her video game to notice the brawl. "Well, it looks like Trixie's done here." The unicorn got up and walked over to the melee, smirking as the two fell offstage and into the audience, where several ponies were pulled into the fight.

"I would say it's Applejack's time of the month…" Zecora began, crossing over to where Trixie was standing, "…except that there is no word that rhymes with month."

Trixie turned to face Zecora with a scowl. "Get-Get out of here!" A few swats and smacks later, and the zebra left the studio, although not without giving a flick of her hoof under her chin to the hostess.

Grumbling, Trixie sulked offstage, while security guards desperately worked to pull the fighting ponies apart.