Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail

Spike held Rarity’s mane back as she finished coughing up the last little bits of vomit. Rarity had somehow managed to throw up three times in the past fifteen seconds. The first one had barely missed his face, but managed to splash all over his shoulder and chest. The second blast happened when he had placed her down and she upchucked all over his feet. After that, she just had to get the rest out of her system and onto the street corner.

“Ah…” moaned Rarity. “My chest hurts… and my mouth tastes like vomit.”

“Gee, I wonder why?” He muttered under his breath. “Are you feeling any better?”

“I… a little,” she admitted, crawling a little on the ground. The drunken mare seemed to stagger a bit as she wobbled around on her knees and hooves. She looked like she was looking for something. “Where is it?”

“Where’s what?”

“My drink, I’m thirsty,” she said, starting to look a little nervous. “Spike, where is it?”

“Umm… I don’t know,” the drake mumbled. “Maybe it disappeared?”

He in fact knew exactly where it had gone. When Rarity was puking for the first time, she had accidently dropped her bottle on the pavement and had shattered on impact. As she was throwing up on the street corner, the dragon managed to sweep the broken bits of glass into an open sewer grate. His tail now smelt like strawberries but it was a welcome scent to the rest of his vomited covered body. But now Rarity was going a little loopy over the sudden disappearance of her margarita mix.

“Spike, where is it? Where is it, Spike? Spike! Bucking answer me!”

“I don’t know where it is!” The dragon yelled back. “And to be honest I don’t think you need anything more to drink tonight! Except maybe some water…”

“Spike,” the mare snarled, staggering back onto her hooves and stared death into the eyes of the drake. “Where. The. Buck. Is. The. Bucking. Bottle?

“Holy shit…”

“Spike…” she growled, her eyes intensifying with fiery rage. If looks could kill, Spike’s head would have exploded by now. “WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DRINK!?” She shot out a purple bolt of magic towards the dragon, who narrowly managed to dodge it and roll out of the way.

“Rarity, calm down!” Spike begged. “It’s just was just a bottle of margarita mix! I’ll get you another one!”

“Okay!” beamed the mare, reverting back to her normal, less psycho serial killer self. “To the all night liquor store!”

“Yeah… lets,” the drake said, stunned by the sudden change in mood of Rarity. “What is it with you and mood swings?”

“What’s what about what?” Wondered the mare, turning around to look at Spike. Unfortunately, she was still rather intoxicated and her footing wasn’t great. She managed to tangle her front hooves together and tripped…

Right into a puddle of her own vomit.

“A… agh…. Ma…” stammered the petrified mare, looking down into what she had just fallen into. “S… I… Re… AHHHHHHH!” She shrieked, collapsing again into the puke puddle. “I’m covered in my own waste! I’m covered in my own waste and it smells like carrots and strawberries!”

“Oh for shit’s sake…” groaned Spike, picking up the mare. “There, there,” he said, patting her on the back. “Will get you cleaned up soon enough.”

“I’m a dirty, dirty girl,” she moped.

“It’s alright,” he said, starting to walk once again with the mare cradled in his arms. “Let’s just get you home.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Excuse me?” Asked Spike. “Why would I be mad at you?”

“Because I’m drunk… and you always seem to be cleaning up after me…”

“Yeah, well,” the drake started to say, pausing a moment to figure out what he wanted to say. “Let’s just say that years of working with Twilight as conditioned me to deal with the strange and the weird. As well as the messy. Hell, this isn’t even the worse I’ve had to deal with.”

“Like what?” Wondered Rarity. “How could you possibly have had an experience… well like this?”

“Well, have I ever told you about last year’s New Luna’s Moon party?”

“You mean when you went with Twilight to her parent’s house? Yeah I remember… you told me about it, didn’t you?”

“That’s sort of what I’m asking…” droned Spike. “But anyways, it was a normal affair at first. Lots of her parent’s friends and relatives came over to celebrate and they had a huge buffet with every kind of food and drink imaginable. It was a pretty nice evening, if a little boring and a tad irritating. Twi’s parents kept asking me if I’ve had a marefriend or not and tried to set me up with their colleges kids who were all ‘just perfect for you’ as Twilight’s mother liked to say.”

“Oh my goddess!” gasped Rarity. “And you had sex with them!?”

“What? No! I never—“

“At the same time?!”

“Who—where are you hearing this? Is there someone else talking to you?” frowned Spike. “I never slept with them, I just did the gentlemen thing and entertained them.”

“With your penis?”

Ye—NO!” Yelled the dragon. “Could you please stop interrupting me? You wouldn’t like it if I did that to you.”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Thank you,” he grumbled. “Anyways, after a few shots of tequila Twilight’s mom was too busy dancing on the table to harass me. I decided to go and hit the hay early since the noise was giving me a headache and there wasn’t really anypony there I knew well. But when I got to the guest bedroom I found the door was locked. I knocked a few times but there was no answer. That’s when I heard the breaking of glass behind the door. I thought somepony was hurt so I broke through the door. That’s where I found Twilight plowing this older mare; a friend of her mother’s I think. The sudden intrusion scared Twilight so much that she freaked out and fell out the window.”

“That’s terrible!” gasped Rarity. “Was she hurt?”

“Kind of…” said Spike. “She was lucky and rose bush broke her fall. I started freaking out and jumped out the window after her, gliding down next to her. She was unconscious and I feared the worst. So I did the only thing I could think of and carried her to the nearest hospitable and spent the whole night worrying that she was dead.”

“Well… was she?”

“…No. She wasn’t,” deadpanned the drake. “She had a broken hoof, a small concussion, and a jelly bean jammed up her nose.”

“Well that’s good.”

“Yeah, but I spent the whole night thinking that she was dead, and it was the most stressful night of my life. Compared to that, this is a cake walk. A little more smelly, but a cake walk.”

“That’s good to hear,” yawned Rarity. “I’m hungry. Do you have any pancakes?”

“No…”

“Let’s go get some pancakes!” Rarity cheered. “I’m sooooooo hungry I could eat you if you were made of pancakes!”

“Well, then it’s a good thing I’m—OW!”

The drake jumped a little as Rarity took a little nibble on Spike’s neck. It barely broke through the scales but it still stung a little.

“Mmm, you like it when I bite you, Spike,” giggled Rarity, dragging her tongue up the dragon's neck. “I could just eat. You. Up.”

“Thank you?”

“You’re sweet Spike… just like candy. Now give mama some sugar.”

She pressed her lips up against his, sucking tenderly on his fork-pronged tongue. And while this would normally have been a wonderful experience for Spike… but the taste of vomit was kind of hard to ignore.