Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! Thought Spike as Rarity’s tongue swirled around his mouth. This is so gross! Why does it still taste like rotten strawberries? I need to get her off of me… huh, never thought I'd say that.

“Umm, Rarity,” the dragon started to say, doing his best to pry himself from the clingy unicorn. “Maybe we should start heading home again.”

“Shut up,” she moaned, forcing Spike’s face back into hers. “You’re ruining the moment.”

I think that ship sailed long ago…

“All I’m saying is that we should wait a bit before things get a bit too… intimate.”

“Oh…” the mare grinned, bopping the dragon on the nose. “Naughty, naughty little drake. I love it!”

“Yeah that’s me… naughty,” Spike laughed nervously. “Could you let go of me now?”

Rarity let go of the dragon, stumbling down to the ground as she lost her balanced. “Oof!” she groaned, falling down on her rump. “Spikey, a little help?”

“Yeah sure,” he said, reaching out a claw to help Rarity. “Still a little shaky in the legs?”

“Oh, hush you…” the mare said, wobbling back to her hooves. “I think I’m losing my buzz.”

“That’s a good thing, you might start thinking straight now,” said Spike. “Which would be a welcome change of pace.”

“Oooooh,” she murmured. “My head hurts!”

“Oh dear.”

“Spike! Make the pain in my head go away!” Rarity cried. “I don’t want the pain in my head! Why do I have pain in my head!? Make it stop! For bucks sake, make it stop!”

“What do you want me to do?!”

“Make it go away!” She demanded. “Use your dragon magic to make the pain go away!”

“Dragon magic? What the hell is that?”

“I don’t know!” Sneered the unicorn, collapsing to the ground again in a fit of pain. “I’m not a dragon!”

“There’s no such thing as dragon magic as far as I know!”

“Stop yelling at me!” Cried the mare, kicking Spike in the shins.

“OW!”

“I said stop yelling at me!” Rarity roared. “Yelling makes the head hurt.”

“Gee, no shit!” snapped Spike, quickly realizing what he had just said to Rarity. “Oh goddess, I’m sorry.”

The mare’s eyes widened as they started to water. Her lips began to tremble as she broke into tears.

“Why are you so mean to me?” She bellowed. “I’m sorry if I was mean but you don’t have to be so cruel!”

“Oh lord—are you kidding me?” Grumbled Spike. “You know Rarity, I’m getting pretty sick of all your shit. I know of hundreds of ponies that would have dumped your ass on the curb long ago.”

“What?”

“I’ve had enough!” The dragon barked. “So far, I’ve been on a bad trip, vomited on, almost attacked by you and I’ve almost had it with everything!”

“Spike… I,” Rarity tried to say.

“Don’t bother!” Barked Spike, rolling his eyes as he picked up Rarity. “We’re going home and you’re going to make good to your promise.”

“Okay!” Smiled Rarity. “Can we go get waffles first?”

“We’re not getting waffles.”

“Why not?”

“Because I fucking said so!”

“Where did this all come from?” Rarity asked. “What happened to my Spikey Wikey?”

“He’s pissed at the moment,” deadpanned Spike. “So please stay quiet until we get to your place. We’re getting close.”

“Okay… hey can we get waffles?”

“What did I just say?”

“But I’m hungry!” Rarity whined. “I have a hankering that only waffles can satisfy. And if I get satisfied… then I can satisfy others. If you know what I mean, darling.”

“I… I guess I’m getting a little hungry,” admitted Spike. He started to look around the area for a place that was still open, which wasn’t much considering the holiday. But there had to be a place that was still opened this late, it couldn’t have been any later than eleven. “Rarity I don’t think that there’s anyplace open at the moment.”

“What? No…” she sobbed. “I don’t want them to be closed…”

“There’s really not much I can do about that,” Spike said. “We should just head back to your house and get something to eat there.”

“But it won’t be the same!” She moaned. “It’s never as good homemade.”

“Well I could argue diff—“

“Holy mother of Celestia!” Gasped Rarity, wiggling out of Spike’s hands and staggering onto her feet. “Is that who I think it is?”

“Who’s who that you think is?” Spike asked.

“Look!”

Rarity pointed down the road to what looked like a homeless pony sleeping on a bus stop bench.

“… I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to be looking for at the moment,” the dragon admitted, still looking around for what the drunken unicorn could be talking about. “All I see are a bunch of street lights, and a few garbage cans.”

“Behind the garbage cans!” She yelled, “Here, let me down I’ll show you.”

“Oh no. I ain’t letting you down just for you to go running around like a crazy pony and get lost in the bad part of town.”

“Spike, this is Ponyville,” deadpanned the mare. “There is no bad part of town. The bad part of town is that street corner with the light that needs to be fixed and nothing else.”

“Well… still,” he said. “I’m not going to let you go and get lost.”

“You can’t stop me!”

Rarity, wiggled and squirmed in the dragon’s grasp, trying to get out. She flailed like a caught fished or a wet cat to try and escape but Spike’s grip on her was too much for her to over power. So she had to take more drastic measures. The mare wormed one of her hooves out and delivered an earth shattering kick to Spike’s urinal area.

“Goddess Damn it!” cried Spike, dropping the pony as he fell to the ground, clenching the throbbing pain in between this thighs. “Why the hell did you do that, Rarity? Rarity? Rarity, are you even listening to me?”

“Tom!” she cried, hugging her dear long friend. “I can’t believe that it’s really you. It’s been years since we last saw each other.” Rarity turned around to look at Spike. “Isn’t this wonderful, darling? Tom is back!”

“Tom…? That giant boulder you fell in love with?” Spike mumbled, his voice a few octaves higher from the groin kick. “Where is he… or it?”

“Don’t be silly, Spike,” laughed the pony. “He’s right here.”

“Umm… well, Rarity…” Spike tried to say, skipping over his words. “That’s not Tom…”

“What are you talking about? Of course it’s Tom.”

“No Rarity, it’s not. It’s a hobo.”

“What the…” yawned the dirty bum, his eyes slowly opening, realizing that there was strange drunk pony embracing him and disturbing his sleep. “What are you doing pony?”

“Tom! You can talk!” gasped Rarity. “This is wonderful!”

“Let go of me!” Moaned the hobo, trying to break free. “Get off of me you crazy bitch.”

“Tom! Such language!”

“It not Tom!” Shouted Spike, rushing to the two ponies. He grabbed each of them by the neck and pulled them both apart. “I’m so sorry about that, sir. My friend here has had a lot to drink tonight.”

“I don’t care if she guzzled down an entire river of vodka! Keep her the fuck away from me!” The homeless pony grumbled, walking away from the two. “Stupid crazies… ruining my nap and stealing my spot… they’re worse than those goddess damned government Timberwolves."

“Sorry again!” Spike called out, watching as the hobo disappeared into the night. He turned to Rarity. “So now you’re seeing things now?” That’s just wonderful.”

“Where’s Tom going, Spike?” Rarity asked. “I thought we were going to go swimming in rainbows down by the jellybean meadows.”

“That makes no sense…”

“Do you want to get waffles?”

The dragon sighed. “Yeah… sure. Let’s go get waffles. I’m done arguing with you.”

“YES!” Cheered the unicorn gleefully. “We’re going to get waffles!”

Author's Note

Next time on Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail...

Spike and Rarity get pancakes and it's just not the same.