Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail

“We’re going to get waffles! We’re going to get waffles!” Sang the white mare, swaying around ecstatically in the dragon’s arms. “I love you…”

“For getting you waffles?” Spike asked.

“Sure, let’s got with that,” she cooed, playfully nibbling on his shoulder. “I hope it tastes half as good as you. You’re so sweet I could just eat you up!”

“Just be careful with the scales, if you bite down on them too hard you might cut the inside of your mouth.”

Rarity grinned. “But then you’ll just have to kiss it better.” She started to drag her tongue on and around the dragon’s neck, sending a strange shiver down his spine. “You’re like a grape flavoured lollipop.”

“That’s wonderful,” he groaned. “But could you please stop licking me? I don’t want to get anymore sticky than I already am.”

“Okay…” she moped, groaning a little as she curled up into his arms, finally showing the first signs of exhaustion.

Spike couldn’t help but feel a little relieved as the mare finally began to purr soft snores, a lullaby or sorts that helped make things seem a little more bearable. Despite her being a drunken mess at the moment, he knew that this wasn’t the real her and that once he got her sobered up a little more, she would become that sweet, intelligent unicorn that he fell in love with all those years ago.

“Thank you.”

There was a pause, and Rarity started to giggle under her breath. It looked like she was about to burst out in a fit. Part of him wanted to know exactly what she found so hilarious, but another part of him knew that it was probably something stupid, as most things had been this night. Spike really hoped that they would get to her home soon, this night had seemed eerie long.

“We’re going to get waffles…” the white mare chortled under her breath, singing the words in secret as if they were taboo. “We’re going to get waffles… then we’ll all get laid!” She screamed that last part out rather loud, the word ‘laid’ echoing through the night air. “Oops.”

The dragon gave a long drawl of his breath. “I don’t know how much more I can take of this,” he muttered, turning the street corner. “Oh my—Finally!”

The neon signs of a small diner illuminated the corner, the name ‘Rosie All Nighter’ flickered on a large sign in cursive high above the eatery. The sign in the restaurant’s window said it was open twenty-four hours and the lights were still on, so it was a good of place as any to take a break on their little journey.

“Oh look Spike!” Yelled the unicorn into the dragon’s ear. “They’re a restaurant over there! That means they may have a restaurant in that waffle! I mean a restaurant in that restaurant! I mean… waffles!”

Spike rolled his eyes. “They better have some coffee in there. You need to get sobered up.”

“You need to get sobered up.”

“I’m sure I do,” he said sarcastically. “But for now we need to get some coffee and some food in you. Maybe it’ll soak up the alcohol or something.”

“Okay!”

It took a little bit of shimmying to fit both of them through the door of the diner. Spike winced at the bright light of the diner. After being in the dark for so long it was almost painful to be in such a well-lit building. It was fairly quiet inside, with only a couple of sleepy looking stallions and mares loafing around in the booths and tables. Cut out moons and stars were glue and hung from the walls in celebration of New Luna’s Eve, but it hardly seemed cheery. The one waitress on attendant looked like she was about to fall asleep and was pouring herself a cup of coffee.

“Thank Luna there’s coffee,” sighed Spike. He Gently placed the drunken mare in one of the free booths, which proved difficult as Rarity refused to let go of him.

“Keep holding me…”

“I need to get us some coffee.”

“And waffles, don’t forget waffles,” reminded Rarity. “I need waffles or I’ll burn everything to the ground… and murder a puppy…” She started to drift off again. For the best, considering that her grip loosened and she slipped onto the soft bench.

“Stay put please,” begged Spike walking to the counter of the restaurant. “Excuse me, Miss!” He called, waving down the sleepy waiter. “Could I get two cups of coffee please?”

She moaned a little as she turned to grab two white coffee mugs with her magic and brought them over to him. “That’ll be four bits,” she yawned, pouring the steamy dark liquid into each of the cups. “And no tabs tonight, I want to see the money now.”

“Sure thing,” Spike said, reaching into his scales and pulled out four golden bits to pay for the coffee. “Here you go, and thank you.”

The waitress just mumbled something to herself. Normally Spike wouldn’t tolerate such rude service but it had been a long night for more ponies than himself, and the last thing he would want to hear at this point was some random guy’s bitching. So he just shoved it off and headed back to the booth where Rarity was lying face first on the table.

She looked up, her eyes watery and her cheeks rosy red. “Hey… Spikey…”

“Drink this,” the dragon said, sliding a cup of coffee to her side. “Do you want any milk or sugar?”

“Depends,” she grinned. “Is it your milk... and are you going to give me some sugar, sugar?”

“What does that even mean?”

“What doesn’t it mean?!” She laughed, taking the coffee mug from him and taking a few sugar packs in her teeth.

“Just drink the coffee please so we can get going.” Spike took a sip of his own cup. “I want to get out of here as soon as possible.”

“Are you kidding me? This place is great!” Rarity waved her arms around, pointing her hooves at the walls and ceiling of the establishment. “This place is great. Look they even have coffee! Hey ask and see if they have waffles!”

The dragon’s face slammed on the table. “Rarity, please… I’m begging you, please just drink your coffee so we can get out of here.”

“Not until I get pancakes!”

“Fine,” he muttered. “Hey, I thought you wanted waffles?”

“That’s what I said, waffles!”

“I—you know what? Never mind,” Spike said, getting up again from the table and back to the counter. “Excuse me again, but could I trouble you for an order of waffles?”

“Blueberry waffles!”

“Blueberry waffles if you have any.”

The waitress rolled her eyes, placing the cloth she was using to dry the dishes into the sink beside her. “The kitchen’s closed.”

“Why?! It’s a restaurant! The kitchen is your business!”

“Kitchen closed as ten, scaly,” the waitress groaned. “No heated food until we open up at six.”

“Couldn’t you make an exception?”

“No exceptions.”

“That’s totally stupid!”

“Too bad,” she said, picking her cloth back up. “Don’t like it? Deal with it.”

“You can’t talk to me like that! I’m a paying customer!”

“Look buddy, I’ve been working for twelve hours and I’m going to be working for another two hours tonight.” She lunged over the table and grabbed the dragon around the neck, pulling him in. Her eyes were bloodshot from the caffeine and exhaustion. “I have three mortgages to pay off and five whiny brats to get up in the morning and the last thing I need is some fucking punk bitching to me about fucking waffles!”

“Holy shit…”

“So no, I’m not going to get you waffles because I can’t get you waffles,” she said. “Now finish up your coffees and the two of you get out of here.” The waitress let go of Spike and with a huff resumed her mundane duties of keeping the kitchen.

“Fine…” Spike muttered. “Rarity come on let’s get… Rarity?” Spike looked around but found no pony where he had left Rarity, just a couple of torn up sugar pacts and two split coffees. “Rarity where are you?”

“LET’S GO STREAKING!”

Spike ran up to the window and saw his greatest fantasy and worst fear come to life, Rarity dashing down the street while ripping off all her clothes.