Only one thought raced through Spike’s mind as he went after the mare, ‘This is bad this is bad this is bad! I can’t believe that this is what the night has come down to! I just hope that no pony sees her like this! She’d never forgive me if I let anypony see her so indecent and naked.’

“Woo hoo! I am alive!” Rarity laughed, staggering around the dark streets. “Hey, I wonder if we can go and get some waffles.”

Again with the waffles, boy was she going to be disappointed when she realizes that there are no pancakes to be had that night. That was a fun conversation they’d be having when he caught up to her, or rather if he did, she was being surprisingly agile at the moment, which was strange considering that for the majority of the night she had had to of been carried.

There were a lot of strange things happening that night, and too be honest the dragon was no longer caring about what would happen next. He just wanted this night to be over without any more shenanigans occurring.

“Rarity, c’mon, we need to get home now! I’m tired, you’re drunk, I just want to curl up in a nice soft bed and go to sleep. Is that too much to ask?”

“I am a queen and the streets are my sundae sandwich!” The drunk mare squealed happily as she finally collapsed onto the ground, becoming once again reduced to a sniffling pile of whiny tears. “Ouch… Spike I feel down… kill the ground for me please.”

Spike rolled his eyes as he hastily ran to the fallen mare. “I’m coming, and I have your dress as well. Now please put this on quickly before somepony sees your naked.”

“Silly Spikey!” Rarity laughed, rolling around in the dirt. “I’m a pony, I’m almost always naked!”

“Yeah well I… knew that already,” he said, mentally face-slapping himself for being so stupid. Ponies never wore clothes so the concept of streaking was ridiculous and impossible, it just went to show how tired he was getting and how desperately he wanted this night to be done with. He picked up the squirming Rarity and hoisted her over his shoulder. “Now that that’s over, can we stop with all the crap and just go home already?”

“Fine… hey can we get pancakes?”

“No.”

“Now why not?”

“Because the last time we went to get breakfast in the middle of the night I almost got killed by a middle aged waitress,” the dragon mumbled. “But you weren’t there to see that. No, you were running around town taking your clothes off.”

“Sounds like something I wouldn’t not do,” the mare slurred, giving a loud yawn. “I’m sleepy… are we home yet? I want to be home now.”

“Preaching to the choir, babe,” Spike muttered under his breath as they headed down the street, he was starting to recognize some of the streets signs and knew that the Carousal Boutique was coming up soon. “Hey aren’t we on Mane Avenue?”

“I don’t know… maybe.”

“Yeah, I think that’s Lyra’s house over there. We’re just a few blocks from home! This nightmare is almost over!” Spike cheered, quickening his pace. He knew that if he could just get into view of Rarity’s house that there would be no more problem and they could at last end this.

Or at least that what he thought before he heard a strange bickering coming from one of the alleyways. It sounded like a mare and stallion and their voices sounded familiar. Almost too familiar, the dragon knew that he would regret it, but he headed towards the sounds and deep into the

“Cadence honey, please get out of the garbage…” Shining Armour said, looking rather strained and displeased that his wife was currently swimming in garbage. “You’re going to get filthy!”

“But I’m a mermaid swimming in the vast water of Great Crystal Lake! Come and swim with me, my little triton!” The princess of love cooed, doing the backstroke into a pile of rotten tomatoes. It was immediately clear that Princess Cadence was drunk, and under some sort of delusion that this trash bin was a lake. “Hey look! Hello fellow seaponies! Come to have magical under the sea adventures with me? Let’s go singing with Peter the beluga whale!”

Shining Armour shook his head with disappointment as he saw Spike and Rarity coming down the alleyway. “Oh dear lord… hey guys, happy New Luna’s Eve. What a night, right?”

“Hey Shining…” Spike said cautiously. “Umm, what are you guys doing here? I thought you were at a party at the Sparkles?”

“Yeah we were… and then I found out that my lovely and always charming wife…“

“These nachos smell like pickles!”

“… found out that my wife cannot drink more than three shots of tequila before getting so drunk that she vomits on my mother, breaks my great-great grandfather’s urn, sets an orphanage on fire, and conjures up the four thousand year old dead spirit of a eight headed monkey god. And to top it all off, I’ve been chasing her all the way down that mountain. Tonight has been hell.”

“Holy shit… and I thought my night was rough.”

“Why, what’s been happening to you?” Shining asked. “Is Rarity drunk?”

“Yeah… she’s probably ingested enough margarita mix to kill a small elephant. I’ve been trying for the past few hours to get her home but we keep running into trouble, nothing like what you’ve had to deal with but still it’s been quite the ride…”

Cadence head poked up from the trash as she looked at the dragon. “Oh my… hey Spike,” she said lovingly, crawling out of the trash. “What brings you to the seven seas of lust and judiciousness?”

“Lust and what?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Rarity roared, slipping off of the dragon’s shoulder and stumbling towards the pink princess. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing to my Spikey wikey?”

“Oh fuck off, Rarity,” frowned the princess, blowing smoke at the white unicorn. “You know you don’t stand a chance with him. Why would the sexiest dragon alive settle for a fat marshmallow like you?”

“… The fuck you’d just say, bitch?”

“You heard me,” Cadence sneered. “Fat. Fucking. Marshmallow!”

Rarity screamed as she lunged onto the princess, pummeling her to the ground with a flurry of drunken hooves. Cadence gave a shrilled yell as she tried to protect herself from the assault. “I’LL KILL YOU!” She shrieked.

“You can’t kill me, I’m the immortal sea goddess of Titania!” The drunk princess barked back at Rarity. When Rarity went to perform a devastating blow however, Cadence swiped at her cheek and knocked her off. She got up with fire blazing in her eyes and steam on her breath. the princess had a bloodlust, a bloodlust that could only be cleansed with the demise of Rarity. Her horn began glowing strong with magic as the air itself began tearing apart, ripping into a netherworld of dark, twisting red worlds. “I call upon you, Izebi, demon carrot of the ninth dimension and eater of the innocence! I summon you to devour my foes and in return I shall invoke your dark favour to the peons of this world and I—“

BANG!

During Princess Cadence’s speech, Shining Armour had found a shovel and clocked her in the head with it, knocking her out cold.

“What the hell, Shining?!” Spike gasped.

“I’m sorry everypony, but I just can’t deal with another elder god right now. That monkey thing with eight heads also had twelve anuses and I don’t want to know how many anuses a giant carrot called Izebi has.”

“Okay…”

“So I think I’m just going to check into a hotel and call it a night. I’m going to get all kinds of hell for this but damn it I’m tired.” He picked up his wife and threw her over his shoulder and onto his back. “Goodnight,” was the last word he said before disappearing out of the alley and into the town, hopefully to get to a hotel before Cadence woke up.

“Did… did I win?” Rarity asked. “I won! Whoo hoo! In your face, you whore! This dragon is mine!”

“Let’s just go home, Rarity,” sighed Spike, gently leading Rarity out of the alley. It was a few quiet blocks before the dragon saw a sight for sore eyes.

The Boutique… home.

Author's Note

Starting to wrap this story up... That monkey god threw feces everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE.