Chapters It's said in some circles that a mistake in the bush is worth two in the hoof. I don't roll with those circles. They tend to be full of fat, stinky horses. Nobody likes a fat stinky horse, least of all me. I've broken more gunky, cholesterol-filled hearts than I care to admit. It's a thankless sort of life, but one I'm happy to live.
Now, don't get me wrong, or mistake me for some kind of elitist snob. I don't mind fat horses. I don't mind stinky horses. It's just that combination—ripe with fear, a bouquet of sorrow—that seems to always throw itself into my sightsphere. I don't know what I did to attract every single stinky, obese pony in Equestria. It must have something to do with my cutie mark. I guess it’s just like my gram-paw always told me, “Wow, I didn't know ponies could even grow neckbeards.”
You see, I'm a gamer mare. I've known it since a few days after I graduated from pony college, when my dear gram-paw taught me how to play the second edition of Catacombs and Cockatrices, a tabletop role-playing game of skill and imagination, with him and his cantankerous war-buddies. I decided that my character would be a bumbling bardicorn, and as we delved into the catacombs and slayed the cockatrices, it was clear that I was more skilled than lifelong veterans of the game. When I managed to pierce the heart of the Red Eyes Black Cockatrice with my trusty bongos, I felt a tingling on my rump.
Before I go on, do you know how hard it is to get through pony college as a blank flank? Especially as an earth pony as attractive as I am. You couldn't believe how many offers of unprotected pony sex I had to shoot down.
Stuff like:
“Hey, baby, I bet I can help you discover your cutie mark. I bet it's a penis. I bet it's my penis.”
or,
“Whoa, sweet thang, is that a blank flank or is your cutie mark just having a perfect ass? So... uh... can I fuck it?”
or even worthless exchanges like,
“Yo, you ever try baking?”
“Uh, no, why?”
“Because I bet you could make a hell of a cream pie!”
“Uh...”
“With your vagina! It might even be your cutie mark!!”
“...”
“You can borrow my cream!!! My cutie mark is shooting huge loads from my dick!!!!”
...and so on. So you can imagine how happy I was that those days would be behind me.
My cutie mark ended up being a bottle of Mountain Dew and a 20-sided die, which really sort of made the unwarranted lust thing a lot worse than it was before. Except now, I was being chased after by fat, stinky ponies.
Anyway, so what I was sa
Author's Note
introduction
She came slidin' down the ponyway like butter drippin' off a hot horsecake. The aroma, the mean scent, was enough to arouse suspicion in even the oldest of horses that hung around the hot spot in those days. The sight was beyond belief. Many a nerd snapped for double, even triple takes as this vivacious equine made her her way into the delta of the ponyway where the most virgin of the young horses were known to hang out. They hung in droves. Such a multitude of geeksculinity could only be found in one place... and that was outside the library. The air was thick with neighs (no pun intended). But not even a muscle in her neck did twitch as she sauntered up into the heart of the library area. She knew what she wanted. She was lookin' for that lizard, that dinosaur. And that was me. Francis the Dinosaur is my name, and I say unto thee...
“Rawr!”
Bitty Thaco took one look at my supple dinosaur frame, my sexy dinosaur skin, and she resolved herself right then and there to challenge me to a sex contest. The rules were simple. We would have sex with each other until one of us died. The winner would be the one that didn't die. It's the kind of skill-based contest that us dinosaurs excel at. For untold millenia had my kind triumphed against other species in battles of the genitalia. It's because of how gosh-darned large we are. Most creatures, especially mammals, are quite small, and it is difficult for them to have sex with a dinosaur, male or female, without being crushed somehow.
Bitty was quite the charming little pony, so I was hesitant to accept her challenge. I didn't want to have to scrape such a pretty creature off the base of my dinosaur penis. She insisted, though, and Dinosaur Honor being what it is, I couldn't refuse an insistence.
“Rawr,” I said, trying to impress upon Bitty's mind the magnitude of the situation.
With a knowing smirk, she ducked into the library. I decided to amaze the crowd and warm myself up by doing Kegel exercises in the middle of the road.
Man, being a dinosaur sure is awesome.
Author's Note
rising action
So anyway, this pony, right? Bitty Thaco? She came into my library, Applejack. I know, hold on, I'm getting to that part. Just sit down and let me tell the story.
You know how much I envy Bitty. Being the sole object of attention for so many handsome stallions must be a dream come true. So when she came into the library asking for help with a sex contest, I knew just what I had to do. I had to cast my special patented Dinosaur Dick-B-Gone spell at the dinosaur. The rest of the contest would have been trivial, because I'm sure Bitty gets a lot of practice at the whole sex thing.
I got Spike to get my custom spells scroll, where I had written down the instructions to cast the Dinosaur Dick-B-Gone spell. I have to admit, I never expected to actually get an opportunity to see the spell in action. Dinosaurs are extinct, you know, and I can't pass up an opportunity to study an extinct creature and zap its penis away with magic. After all, they don't call me Twilight Dick-B-Gone Sparkle for nothing.
Unfortunately, it turns out that dinosaur penises are actually immune to magic. Dinosaurs themselves probably are, too, but I didn't get a chance to test magic on the dinosaur’s non-penis parts. And dinosaur testicles seem to be capable of catching and redirecting magic.
That's why every pony in Equestria is now without a penis. I'm sorry Big Mac is upset, Applejack, but it should be clear to you why I did what I did, and I hope you can forgive me.
Author's Note
climax
Of course Ah forgive ya, Twi. Ah'm right sorry fer th'way Ah stormed in, all angry and whatnot, but Ah see now that the advance of dinosaur dick-science that y'all were the catalyst of was well-worth sacrificin' all pony dicks everywhere fer.
Author's Note
dénouement
It was a strange sight, really, to see all the fat, stinky ponies awkwardly shuffling home. It's almost as if they and every other male pony in the world suddenly and irrevocably lost their manhood simultaneously.
When Bitty came back out of the library, I was ready. My impressive dinosaur genitals, which looked suspiciously like human genitals, even down to the scrotum and testicles which lizards very definitely lack in real life, swung magnificently in the breeze, casting a shadow that dwarfed my attractive little opponent.
Looking up at me from underneath, I heard her lilliputian gasps, and I slowly dropped myself down and got ready to smash Bitty Thaco into the road with my cock. This would end up just like every other sex contest between myself and ponies stupid enough to take me on.
But, hell, I can't lie. She won. It was amazing. I'm dead now. I'm not even mad.
Author's Note
resolution
