Refusing to break his stride, he replied over his shoulder to his purple inquisitor and her talking assistant dragon.

“Abso-fuckin'-lutely! Ah nearly blew uh gasket chasin' this jackass all over town. As far as Ah'm consider, he had it comin'.”

'Ugh.' Twilight thought as she trailed after the glitter covered human. Already the bounty hunter's loud, raspy thick accent was giving Twilight Sparkle a headache. 'Pinkie, you owe me. Big Time.'

This was not the first time the librarian had to confront the unpleasant human. He was almost always causing trouble for either one of her friends or for the entire town. And it always came down to her to straight things out with Mal. Or at least try to.

“Did you even try talking to him, Mal?” Twilight asked in annoyance.

“No, Ah sign us up for uh foot race, Sparkles.” Mal said as he move in on the groaning pony form of Brad Carter. “Of course Ah tried talkin' to him! He jes' didn't wanna listen.”

“So that justifies hitting him in the head with a coconut?”

“Oh mah blessed stars an' stripes, why couldn't ya jes' stay inside ya lil' treehouse today.” Mal said as he took the leg irons off his belt.

“I would have, except a certain little pink birdy told me about how some cowpony was running around shooting up the town like it was O.K. Coltrral.”

“Sparkles, first off, it's cowboy. Ah ain't uh horse.” Mal said as he knelt down, “An' second, Ah don't tell ya how to do ya job. So jes' back off an' let me do mine.”

He placed a knee on the pony's back causing the stallion to squirm. “MAL! Stop IT!” The librarian yelled. “DUDE! Your hurting him!” The librarian’s assistant dragon screeched

Mal tuned out their voices as he worked the irons shackles around the pony's back legs. However, a few seconds later he was shoved off the squirming neon pony onto his ass.

“HEY! YA FUCKIN' BITCH!” Mal shouted out as his arm instinctively reached for the holster containing the pepper spray. Which was empty. He had used it over a year ago on their horse goddess. And while it did take that smug look off it's face (a memory which he will always cherished) it was still not worth the price he had to pay (a moment of which will haunt him forever).

Mal wished he still had his pepper spray. Then again, maybe it was good thing he DIDN'T have it, seeing how the purple mare's horn was glowing so bright that it was making Mals eyes water. But it didn't mean Mal was about to sit there and take little miss humanitarian's hippie bullshit on the nose. No sir.

“Sparkles, where Ah come from, assaulting uh civil servant earns ya free beatings an' ten years in prison.”

“Dude, not cool.” The purple pain in the ass's assistant lizard said as he puff out his little scaly chest. “You have no right to be threatening her. Your going to have to go THROUGH ME before you even touch a hair on -”

The lavender mare pushed the little dragon back behind her. “Spike! Settle down! I've got this!”

“Okay, Twilight. Although, I'm right here if you need back up.” The small dragon said as he fold his arms and scrunch up his face into scowl towards Mal. Which only made the 5'8" tall and 250 pound human chuckled at the sight of the scaly midget trying to intimate him. 'Heh. It looks Godzilla sucking on some lemons!'

Rolling her eyes at the baby dragon's bravado, Twilight Sparkle turned her attention back to the human who was already squatting back down and continuing with the task shackling the ponyifed human.

“Ah don't git as to what yer so worked up 'bout, Sparkles.” Mal said as he tested each of the shackles' pins with a painful yank. “It's not like he's one of ya own kind.”

“Mr. Coltran, we don't HURT other ponies.” She stomped a hoof on the ground. “And just because you're stuck here doesn't give you the excuse to take it out on others.”

Mal guffawed. “Oh, that's real cute, Sparkles. Ya jes' got me all figured out, don't ya...”

Just then the brightly colored pony came to. His eyes fluttered and then slowly blinked as his fiery orange eyes started to focus in on famous purple unicorn.

“Is - Is that Twilight Sparkle?” He ask aloud in awe.

'Damn it. He couldn't just stay unconscious could he now? Nope. He just had to wake up in time to make things awkward in front of this place's resident hero.'

“Yup. An' now say yer goodbyes, fan boy.”

“OMG! Twilight! You gotta help me.”

But there was nothing Twilight could do to help the human turned pony from his fate. She was even told by both Princesses that their subjects were forbidden to interact with the curious creatures known as 'humans'. Especially the ones that referred to them selves as 'bronies'. However, this wasn't the first time Twilight had a ponyified human talk to her. And no matter how brief her interactions were, they still were just as unnerving as her first time.

It was overwhelming to meet these forbidden creatures who could read her and her friends like open books. Who knew all of their personal achievements and failures. And, at the same time, it was oddly liberating.

It was almost as if they truly knew the real Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight could only look down at the cobble stone paving as she answered. “I-I can't. Mister Coltran is Princess Celestia's official court appointed human bounty hunter.”

“I've heard. Why? Whats going on?!”

“Well Bucko...” Mal started in as he slapped the rusty iron neck collar around Brad's neck. “Ya bronies and bronettes are better at creatin' chaos an' mass-panic then creatin' harmony an' friendships. An' since her horsey highness has better things to do then to go outside of her fancy castle everyday an' catch all ya freaks - that's where Ah come in.”

“Wh-what?”

Mal's toothy grin widen. This was the part that he loved almost as much as the getting paid part. When he curbed stomped their little dreams & hopes and then ground them down into powered dust.

“Let me spell it out for ya, sport. Queen Glitter-Puss -”

“Princess Celestia!” Twilight and Spike yelled at the bounty hunter.

“- doesn't want ya here. No pony wants ya here. Ya've worn out ya welcomes. Ya git the picture, freak.”

“Ah...” The ponyified human shocked look dissolved into picture perfect sadness.

'Now that's what Ah call ah Kodiak moment! What Ah would give for an' instant camera jes' so Ah could stuff photo albums full of their adorable lil' pony faces when they finally learned the hard truth.'

“I'm sorry you had to find out this way...” Twilight said, her adorable eyes starting to mist up at the human's misery. It wasn't fair. Nopony, no matter what form they took, should be mistreated so cruelly. There was no call for it. And it didn't matter how many letters she wrote in objection to Mr. Coltran's abuse to the Princess, she always received the same warning to stay away from the bounty hunter and his bounties.

Mal wanted to gag. He was about to tell the brony to man the fuck up when Brad's fiery orange pony eyes looked up at the bounty hunter with anger.

“Wait a second...if we're not wanted, then why are you even here?!”

Mal chuckled sadly. “Well slick, it ain't for my love of hugs an' friendship bracelets.”

“Huh?” The ponyified brony was taken aback by the unexpected response. He was ready for an insult, a threat or a fist as his answer.

“He can't leave.” Twilight answered. “The Princess's magic is unable to return him back.”

“What?! Why?”

“Nopony knows why.”

“So I have to leave while this - this - this jerk gets to run around and mistreat ponies?” The neon pony said as he point his hoof up at Mal in outrage.

“Yup!” Mal said. “Ain't life ah bitch.”

Brad was shocked. “ That's...that's terrible.”

“Can say that again! This certainly wasn't what Ah had in mind for retirement.”

“Shut up!” Brad yelled in fury at the bounty hunter. “I wasn't talking to you, you troll!” The brony turn his head towards an uncomfortable Twilight Sparkle as he pleaded.

“Twilight... I understand that others have spoiled it for the rest of us humans. I'm disappointed, but I can understand the Princess's reluctance in having us running amuck, spooking her subjects and creating problems for her kingdom.

“But Twilight, I'm different from the others. Don't judge me by the past actions of some bad ponies! All that I'm asking is a the chance to prove it and I swear I'll-”

“What's your name?” Twilight interrupted.

“It's Twinkle Toes.”

Mal smacked Brad right on back on his head, right on spot where the coconut hit him, causing him to slump to the ground moaning agony.

“Don't be givin' her ya stupid OC name, Boy! She wants to know ya real name.”

“Brad.” Brad groan, wrapped his forelegs around the back of his throbbing head.

“Come on! What was that?! SPEAK UP!”

“Mal, Stop it!” Twilight yelled as she stepped in between the bounty hunter and struck pony.

“What, Sparkles? Ah honestly didn't hear it.” Mal shrugged as he smirked down at the adorably angry unicorn. “Ah could barely hear that under that pile of failure.”

“My names Brad Carter.”

Twilight faced the shaking ponyified human. “Brad, I wish I could do something. I really do. But I can't go against the Princess's decreed. And much as I disliked the Princess's Human Appointed Bounty Hunter...” She glanced back up at Mal. “I understand that he has a role to play here in Equestria.”

“Whelp!” Mal beamed as he yanked on ponifed Brad Carter's collar chain. “As much Ah cherished these little chats, Sparkles, Ah've got places to go an' uh paycheck to cash in.”

Mal pulled on the chain, forcing Brad to try to keep up with his brisk pace back to his truck, Becky. But before Mal had made it a dozen steps, the lavender librarian trotted in front of him, forcing him to come to sudden halt.

Twilight scowled upward at the imposing giant. “...However, it does not give Celestia's Court Appointed Bounty Hunter the right to beat up Mr. Carter. Mr. Coltran, I know that you don't like it here and that you don't like us...”

“Ain't that the truth.” Mal gave Twilight a thin smile.

“But-” The purple mare continued, “that doesn't give you the right to take it out on your own kind...even if they are changed into ponies.”

Mal stared at the purple unicorn for a moment before he took off his sunglasses and tucked them into the neckline of his vest. The bounty hunter crouched down until he was at eye level.

It was close enough that Twilight could see the scars, the glitter covered wrinkles and pores on the man's face. Every detail of the strange pattern skin markings that surrounded the bounty hunter's left eye. Blood and sweat drip off the tip of his crooked, redden nose.

Cold, tired, harden dead eyes that drilled themselves into hers that scared her the most. It wasn't a look of malice, or anger. It was look of something that has given up.

“Git out of my way, Sparkles.” The human slowly rasped out. “It's be uh looong day for me. Ah got icepacks an' cold cider callin' out mah name back home. Time for ya to be movin' along. Go stick ya nose in sum books. Go do horse things an' live yer life.”

Twilight would prefer facing off a herd of dragons alone then to be even this close to the bounty hunter. But she continue to stand her ground against the bullying human

“No.”

“Ah goin' to pretend that Ah didn't hear that.”

“I said no Mr. Coltran. This unnecessary abuse going to stop. Today.”

“Sparkles. Git it through ya thick skull.” He jabbed a calloused finger roughly into the mares forehead causing the librarian to wince. “He. Aint. My. Kind. Where Ah come from, adults don't pine to live in uh world of happy rainbows an' colorful horsies-”

“Ponies!” Twilight, Spike and Mal's quarry shouted.

Mal stood back up. “Whatever. Point bein', it's unnatural for grown ass adults to wanna be talkin' ponies or to even have anythin' to do with said ponies. Do ya git me?”

Twilight's horn glowed, ripping the chained leash out the humans hand. It clatter as it hit the pavement.

“No.” She said as she bang a hoof down on the street.

Mal let out a sigh of frustration. “It's gonna be like that, huh Hoss?” He said as he snapped loose the night stick out of it's holster.

“Pick up that chain, hoss...” The bounty hunter flicked his wrist, causing the baton to extend outwards with a loud metallic click. “...Before ya force me to use this on Brad here, for attemptin' to escape.”

“W-wh-what?” Brad whimpered, his ears flatting as he try to scoot backwards away from the bounty hunter.

Twilight steeled her eyes. “Not until you apologize to Mr Carter.”

“Ain't nun' thin' doin', Sparkles. Not after what he put me through this afternoon.”

“He was probably just scared of you.”

“Totally, man. Scared shitless. Like, right now.” Brad interjected and then cowered as the huge man nudged the tip of the metal baton into his nose.

“Ya threw fucking bricks at mah Becky an' destroyed her windshield! An' then ya dented in her roof! Ya broke mah fuckin' NOSE! And on top of all that, ya were DANCIN' an' uh SINGIN' in the goddamn street after ya made me trip an' destroy uh market stand!!”

“I was, like, caught up in the moment?” Brad said. Mal step in towards the day glow pony with a raised baton causing the stallion to stumble backwards over his own hooves.

“How about if you both apologize to each other.” Twilight suggested.

“Oh, he's most definitely gonna apologize to me.” Mal reached over and grabbed a hunk of the fluorescence colored mane and dragged Brad back over to his side. The brony cried out in pain. “Ow ow ow ow ow ow!”

“Like he even had ah choice in the matter.”

“And so are you.” The purple mare smirked.

“Like hell Ah will.”

“Fine - Spike!”

“Yes?” The dragon awoke and snap to attention.

“Take a letter!”

“Right!” The dragon dug out a paper roll and ink quill out the librarian's saddle bag.

Mal arched a brow in confusion at the sight. “What are ya doin'?”

“Writing a letter to Princess Celestia.” Twilight said nonchalantly.

“Oh...dude.” Brad said as he clopped his two front hooves together. “Your in Trouble now. With a capital T.”

“Shut up.” Mal said as he twisted the pony's ear, causing Brad to whimper in pain. “Like she even gives two hoots of an' mares ass to how Ah do mah work around here. So what if Ah rough up sum' trouble makin' wannabe pony? Yer not one of her subjects.”

“Dear Princess Celestia,” Twilight start to dictate to her dragon assistant. “I happen to be in the market today when your appointed bounty hunter, Mal Coltran, called your esteem student a 'fuckin' bitch'...”

Mal was not expecting his from the purple pony librarian.

Usually these confrontations end with it going back to it's little tree house after failing to persuade him to their hippy dippy horse ways. He was kind of hoping that it would, for once, try some of that kung-fu horse magic on him and therefore giving him an excuse to lay the self righteous mare out in 'self defense'.

But today was not Mal's day.

“Sparkles...” Mal growled.

Twilight didn't give any indication of hearing the bounty hunter as she continue on with her letter. “...I don't know what 'fuckin' bitch' means. Maybe it's a term of endearment or a warm greeting. Perhaps you should ask him for yourself. Also what are the laws pertaining to the discharging of unregistered Equestrian weapons in the middle of Ponyville...”

Mal swung the metal baton at the reptile's unfurled parchment paper in an attempt to tear it out it's claws. But he only succeed in hitting the lavender mare's magical invisible force field causing a stinging pain to vibrate up his arms.

“...Perhaps he wasn't being entirely honest as we once thought. Also the damages to Berry-Punches home and Market Street...”

“Ya send that letter off an' AH WILL END YOU!” Mal screamed in fury. “WE'RE TALKIN' BEARTRAPS AN' NAPLAM!”

“...possible set speed limits for mechanized self propelled vehicle in populated areas of Equestria.

Your faithful student...”

“SCORCHED EARTH MOTHERFUCKER! THE WHOLE NINE YARDS!”

“Twilight Sparkle.”

She grin as she watched the five foot eight, 275 pound cussing human tremble helplessly before her magical field. Even the assistant was enjoying the human's anguished cries as he purse his lips and blew a tiny green flame that licked the edges of the paper.

'Ah can't believe this. Ah bein' black mailed by uh GODDAMN TALKIN' HORSE!'

Mal slammed a fist on top of the translucent purple field.

“OKAY! OKAY!” The bounty hunter cried out. “Ya made yer point! Don't send the letter! Ah'll do whatever ya want!”

“Apologize. Now.” Twilight pointed a hoof at the fluorescence colored pony.

Mal walked over to Brad. “Sorry.”

“Come Mr. Coltran. Like you mean it.”

Mal grimaced and then did as he was instructed. “Ah apologize for way Ah've mistreated ya.”

Brad Carter on the other hand didn't need any prompting from Twilight. “I apologize for ruining your truck, tripping you, causing you to fall into that market stand, kicking you in the junk and breaking your nose.”

“Now...Hug.” The unicorn commanded.

Mal look at Twilight like she just order him to jump in a viper pit. “No fuckin' way! Ah ain't 'bout to hug no horse.” Mal said as he pointed a finger down at Brad, who was waving his fore legs in protest. “Woah, Twilight! Like, a simple brohoof would be enou-”

“I don't care if he's a duck, Mal.” Twilight snapped back.

Mal folded his arms in defiance. “Ah ain't huggin' no fuckin' brony either, Sparkles. That's gay.”

“HUG! NOW!” Twilight command as she her horn glowed.

The huge man was enveloped by a purple glow as he was forced down onto his knees. Against his will Mal wrapped his big arms around the neon pony's neck.

Brad responded by draping a foreleg over the man's shoulder and patted him on the back with his hoof.

Mal, however, responded by gripping a little tighter around Brads neck and through clenched teeth whispered:

“If Ah ever git outta here an' Ah find out that ya written one them fan stores 'bout us havin' romantic relationships an' stuff, Ah will find u. An' Ah will destroy everythin' ya ever loved or even cared 'bout. Ya git me?”

“No Homo. Got it loud and clear, dude” Brad choked out.

Author's Note

Boo-ya! Another chapter completed. Also if you think Mal's a big meanie pants so far – Ya ain't seen nun' thin' yet. Sorry folks, if this puts you off any. I like my characters rough and difficult. But I promise to lighten things up.

Coming up next: Accidents Happen to the Nicest of Ponies

Okay, maybe not yet.