“Oh man! She looked back! She looked back!” Brad's leg chains rattled as his forehooves clopped together.

“She's probly lookin' for ah spot in mah back to stick that pig sticker of her's.” Mal grumbled as a few fat droplets of rain started to fall from the incoming scheduled afternoon rain shower.

“Dude, what is your problem?”

“Everythin'.”

“Like, seriously?”

“As uh heart attack.”

Mal lashed out at a pony spectator that didn't move out of his way fast enough for his liking. “Git the hell outta mah way, ya dum' horse!”

“Ahhh! Don't eat me!” The stallion screamed in terror as it scrambled away from the lumbering human.

Mal let out a sighed. 'With all of these four legged gawkers an' hauling this dum ass, it's gonna take forever to git back mah Becky.'

The fluorescence potato sack interrupted Mal's thoughts. “Like, is everypony here afraid of you? And what did Twilight ever do to you?”

“Whats it to ya?”

“Dude, I just want to understand, like, how someone could ever be so angry, living in place full of cute, adorable, ponies.”

Mal didn't say anything.

“Like, seriously, tell me. What's the deal. I wanna know. For realz.”

“Try livin' here with no steak, no smokes, no hard liquor, no porn, no women, no rock music, no cable, no Michael Connelly novels, no Nascar and no huntin' or fishin!” Mal answered angrily as he slowly plodded through the crowed street. “An' with talkin' ponies gittin' up in ya face jes 'cause ya forgit to say 'please' an' 'thank u'!”

“I take it that your not a big fan of the show, either.”

“Ah didn't even know it was ah kids show until Ah interrogated mah first brony.”

“No way! You never ever heard of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?”

“This may come as uh surpise to ya, but grown ass men like mah self don't have time to sit around watchin' kiddie cartoons. Ya see, out in the real world, Ah worked for uh livin'. Ah ran mah own business, several vehicles, uh boat an' uh dozen rental properties. Ah payed mah taxes, voted an' made payment's to mah ex-wife's daughter’s collage fund. So unlike u, Ah was livin' in the real world until this happy horse shit came along.”

“Man, Pinkie is like so right about you. You're gonna die angry and miss out on everything cool.”

“Says the yolo motherfucker who's gonna to be pickin' up all the broken glass out of mah Becky with his bare hoofs.”

Brad's chains rattled as he held up his upturned fingerless hooves to his face. “shit.”

Mal shook with laughter so hard that he nearly lost his toothpick. “Sucks to be without opposable thumbs, don't it.”

Mal's mirth disappear as he saw ponies were running pass him instead of away from him. Merchants were quickly shoving stalls, rolling up awnings and pushing goods aside as the rumbling, backfiring monstrosity of Mal's truck drove slowly down the street. Mal let out a gruff sigh of disapproval when saw sitting behind the steering wheel was his number one informative and brony bait in Equestria.

“Goddamn it, Strings!” Mal shouted as he winced at the sound of grinding and shifting gears.

“That's no way to greet your partner, Mal.” Heartstrings yelled through the missing windshield. Truck shuddered to a halt just as Mal slapped a palm down on the hood.

“It ain't yer ass Mayor Horse Face is gonna be chewin' out when she finds out bout mah Becky bein' in the only part in town she ain't allow in.” Mal said, pointing finger at the teal unicorn. “An' how many times do Ah have to tell ya - ya ain't mah partner, Strings!”

Heartstrings waved a hoof at the bounty hunter in disconcern. “Aw, don't worry about Mare Mayor. I'll take care of her.”

“Jes' get out of mah truck, before ya break sum thin' with ya dum hooves.” Mal grumbled as the aquamarine pony jumped out the drive side window.

“Oh, come on, Mal!” Heartstring said as she hoofed the bounty hunter's side. “It's not gonna kill you for to say 'thanks'. Besides, how many mare's do you know that would stick around to clean up all the broken glass and bricks out of your truck.”

“Dammit, Strings!” Mal said in disappointment as he remove Brad Carter, AKA Twinkle Toes, off his aching shoulder. “Ah was gonna have Brad here do that!”

The neon green stallion, on the other hand, let out a sigh of relief in hearing this bit of good news. “Not that I don't appreciate it, Lyria- ow!” Brad's head reel back as he experienced his first telekinetic slap on the cheek.

“The name's Heartstrings!” The teal unicorn said sharply with a snort, her horn glowing brightly.

“Wha-I-I don't- understand-” Brad looked up at the Bounty Hunter, in confusion.

“What are ya lookin' at me for?” Mal grinned as he lean back up against the truck. “Ah ain't 'bout stop uh show when it's jes startin' to git good.”

Brad started to open his mouth to speak when he was shoved into the side of old truck with a bang. “So, you like to play with ponies, huh?” Heartstring said menacingly her horn a blaze with magic.

“Whoa - wait a minute-” Brad sputtered out as he waved a fore hoof up in defense.

“You must think we're all a bunch of simple-minded animals here.” Heartstrings said as she took a slow step towards the chained stallion. “Just drop in, show off your 'human' skills and impress all us silly ponies. Who do you think you are, swaggering into town as if your one of us, huh? ”

“Please.” Brad pleaded. “Like, I didn't mean nothing by it! Honest!”

“Oh, so I'm nothing now. Just following little ol' Heartstrings down the alleyway for a little bit of nothin'?”

Mal was nearly bent over with laughter, his hand slapping his leg as he watched Brad's eyes nearly bugged out of his pony head.

“Uh- what?! No! I-”

“Well, you picked the wrong player!” The aquamarine mare screamed has she reared up on her hind legs.

'Oh shit!' Was all Mal could think as he moved in to head off the hurricane of fury and rage. But his reaction was too late. One of Heartstrings's hooves smacked the side of Brad's face, slamming the neon green pony's head right into the truck door panel.

“Alright, Strings! That's enough!” Mal barked out as he rested a heavy hand on the mare unicorn's withers. “Ya bruise the fruitcake an' Ah'll take it out of ya fee!”

But Heartstrings ignored the human as she drew the point of her glowing horn in towards Brads terror stricken face. “When you go back to your brony pals, you tell them that Heartstrings is not some easy lay!” The aquamarine mare snarled. “She's nopony to be messin' with.”

“Goddammit Strings!” Mal shouted as he wrapped his thick arms around the pony's neck and chest. Her hooves scrabbled and scraped, fighting for purchase on the smooth cobble stone street as the bounty hunter dragged her away. “Ah said lay off of him! What are ya trying to do? Git me uh weekend vacation on the freakin' moon!?”

Heartstrings's head whipped around to face the man. “No, I'm sending him and the rest of his kind a message.”

“Well, ya know damn well that Ah can't have ya be tattooin' it onto his forehead.” Mal said growled out.

“Why not?!” She snapped back.

“ 'Cause it ain't your place, horse!”

Heartstrings blinked out of his grasp and reappeared suddenly in front of him, glaring daggers up at the human.

“Don't you dare call me that!” She roared.

“Well, yer certainly actin' like one!” Mal yelled back, throwing his arms up.

“You take that back right now, Mal!” She glared intensively up at the bounty hunter.

They stood there a moment, the two poised and ready to bring it onto the next level. Brad started to climb inside the wheel well of the huge truck, in case the sparks really started to fly between the two.

But Mal back down. “Shiiiiit, Strings.” Mal said with a nervous chuckle. “Ya don't all got be all like that.”

The teal pony let out an angry snort. “I'm not some easily, scared pony that you can verbally kick around.”

“No, Ah suppose yer not. Yer much too clever for that. Maybe even cleverer then Sparkles.”

“Ponyfeathers.” Heartstrings grump as she turned sulkily away from the human.

“Ah mean it Strings. If things were different, Ah would be more then happy to call ya partner. Hell, Ah make ya uh deputy. Give ya tin badge an' uh twenty gun salute if Ah could.”

Heartstrings whirled around on her hooves. “Really?!” She beamed back wide eyed.

“...But ya know Ah can't.” Mal smiled thinly “Princess won't bide it.”

“I don't give a flying feather what she thinks! It's not like it happen to her!”

“Heartstrings. We been through this already. If ya were seen working with me full time, Ah git it in the neck faster then ya say royal lawn ornament. As it is, Ah'm already bendin' the rules with ya being mah 'informant'.”

“It's not fair.”

“Life ain't fair. Life's uh mean sum uh bitch that don't play by any ones rules but her own. Ya just gotta learn to roll with the punches. An' to git right back up when she lays uh good one out on ya.”

“And what about yourself. Are you rolling with the punches?”

“Not lately, Ah'm afraid.” Mal stared at the empty space where his truck windshield use to be and sighed.

“Man, I am really sorry about the tru-” Brad started to say as he climbed back out of wheel well cover.

“Brad.”

“Yes?”

“Ah would greatly appreciate if ya were to shut up right now. Otherwise, Ah might start educatin' Strings here on how to properly beat the shit outta somebody.”

“Right. Shutting up.” Brad mime a zipped lips action which almost made Mal throw a punch into the smart ass's face if it weren't for Heartstrings's brilliant interruption.

“I could set you up with a temporary windshield.”

Mal raised an eyebrow. “Uh, temporary windshield?”

Heartstrings horn glowed and Mal watch as a light green tinted form glowed as it took place of the missing windshield.

“Hot Damn!” Mal cried out as he whipped off his sunglasses. He ran over to the truck for a closer look at the ghostly transparent glowing windshield. “Ya doin' that?!” Mal ask as he rapped his knuckles against the glowing field.

“Oh, it's none thing really. Just been doing a little bit of research on the side to improve my magic skills. So I can be, you know, a better 'informant'.”

“Well, it's really sum thin' Strings.” Mal said as he slid his hand across the smooth magical substitute.

“One problem though...I can't project this type of magic from afar.”

“Meaning Ah gotta take ya with me.”

Mal sighed.

“Alright!” Mal said as he threw opened the driver side door. “An' stop looking so damn happy! Ah don't need any these horses gittin' any ideas.”

“Oh Mal!” Heartstrings said as she leapt up onto the worned down truck bench seat. “You're so silly!”

“Yeah.” Mal rolled his eyes as he slammed shut the heavy truck door. “That's me to uh T. Silly.”

Mal looking down at his bounty.

“Uh, hi.” Brad said as he gave the bounty a nervous grin. “Can I ask you something?”

“No. Ya can shut up while Ah'm stickin' ya inside this here cage.”

He walked back to the large lion cage that sat on the back of the old work duty truck. Brad watch as the bounty hunter took out a large jailer style key ring, picked out a large key and unlocked the cage door.

“Now, here's the deal.” Mal said as he swung the iron cage door open. “We all gonna take uh nice Sunday drive up to Canterlot. We gonna meet the Princess-”

Brad let out a girlish squeal and slapped this hooves to his cheeks. “Princess Celistia?! SO AWESOME!”

Mal narrow is eyes as he let out a disproving sigh of disgust. “If that's the one who can control the sun, then yes, that one.”

“Not a big Luna fan?”

“She ain't exactly uh big fan of the Mauler.”

“Shocker.”

“Ya ain't understandin' me, sport. She uh scary sum of uh bitch to be around. If Ah don't drink mah self into uh stupor every night, Ah won't be able to sleep with the nightmares that witch personally tortures me with.”

“Holy crud.” Brad said in shock. “That's rough, man.”

“Yeah, well, welcome to mah world.” The bounty hunter grimaced slightly. “Where horses with grudges can fuck with ya head.”

“So many questions.”

“Well ya can stuff it with the questions, 'cause Ah ain't finished.” The man said gruffly. “Now, after we meet the Princess, she's gonna ask ya, politely, on agreein' to never tellin' anyone about yer visit here. Ya even try lyin' to her an' she's gonna zap yer brain with sum forgetting voodoo magic crapola. Do Ah ever need to bother wastin' mah time explainin' why tryin' to fool sum gazillion, year old sun goddess is uh waste of everyone's time?”

“Um, no.”

“Good. Then she's gonna give ya sum big, grand ol' royal speech an' shoot ya ass off back home. The End.”

Brad's leg chains rattle as he raised up a hoof. “Uh, unless she's going to, like, bring me back as a zombie, no can do. Last thing I remembered is drowning in the Gulf of Mexico after falling off my friends dad's yacht.”

“Well, today's ya luckily day, sport. Ya gonna git uh third chance at life back on good ol' planet earth.”

“Soooo, do I get my old body back or do I have to start all over? Or do I get to choose as to what I come back as?”

“Don't worry kid.” Mal said as he rolled his eyes. “It'll be like none thing ever happen.”

“That's cool...I guess.” Brad said quietly.

“Look, ya really don't wanna be here. Sure, it'll be all cupcakes and sun shines at first. But in the end, ya'll find out the hard way that this place beats to uh entirely different kind of drum. This is not uh place ya want to be stuck in. Trust me on this. ”

Brad Carter rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever, grandpa.”

Mal angrily yanked the ignorant ponified human stallion up off the ground by his shocking pink tail and mane hair and threw him up into the lion cage.

“Ah'm doing ya uh favor ya fuckin' moron!” Mal yelled as he swung the cell door shut with loud clang. “This place is ain't yer personal playground! Once it's colorful fuckin' hooves find yer nuts, it'll never stop standin' on 'em! Ya saw what happen between me an' Pinks.”

“Well, duh.” Brad snapped back as he got back up to his hooves. “And if you just gone along with it, instead of fighting with her, none of that would have happen.”

“Gone along with it? Is that mah problem, now?!” Mal said through gritted teeth as he narrowed his eyes at his day glow bounty.

“Man, if you weren't, like, resisting every pony you meet, you wouldn't have deal with all this stress and tension you've created for yourself.”

“Goodness gracious! Ya right! What was Ah uh thinkin? Ah shoulda let da pretty pink pony throw me uh birthday party! An then Ah have mah self uh pony that Ah'll love 'em an' squeeze 'em an' pet 'em an' hug 'em an' we'll be bestest friends forever!” Mal said in mocking sarcasm.

“Come on, man. Do yourself a favor and go with the flow instead of putting out these negative vibes onto everypony.”

Mal heard thousands of variants of these type of arguments before out of the pastel colored mouths of his ponified bounties in the past. Normally, he would have good laughed before shoved 'em through the magic space portal back to earth. He didn't waste a moment of his time to think about them or this place and it's freak show occupants. What mattered to him was raking in the all the gold he could get his mitts on and hoping on the first multidimensional metaphorical train that'll take him back to his world, his reality.

And yet, here he was. A year later and still mucking about in this Wizard-of-Oz-on-acid fairyland. And with a dozen new scars - both physical and mental, a fuck ton of gold, a possible PTSD related twitch and with the Princesses' promise that they had their brightest and best working out a solution.

Any day now he was going to be free of this place.

Any day now.

Any day now.

“Dude?”

Mal eye lids fluttered as an obnoxious color hoof waved about in front of his face.

“Hey! Old guy! Like, you alright, man?” Brad asked with concerned in his voice as he poked a fore leg out from between the metal cage bars. “Please, like, say yes.”

Mal snaked an arm into the cage, grab the back of the neon pony's head. Brad let out a cried of pain as his face smacked into the iron bars.

“Let me tell ya sum thin boy,” Mal snarled. “Ah knew ya were uh dip shit the moment Ah saw ya. An ah like ya better then, then ah do now. 'Cause ya this close to bein' uh dead dip shit.”

“Shit. Chillout man! You were just standing there, zoned out. Your face was all pale and sweaty, like you were having a stroke or something.”

“Do ya self uh favor an' stow the Dr Phil crap before ya start findin' out how hard it is to breath with uh fist rammed down yer throat.”

Mal let go of Brad's mane and made his way to the driver side door.

“An' another thing,” Mal said before he slammed the truck shut with a bang. “Ah ain't about to be rollin' over for no fucking horse. Not in mah lifetime, fucko.”

Author's Note

That's right. I'm fuckin' back!

Sorry that this took it's sweet time getting here. Been busy re-tiling the kitchen, being sick with the flu, taking cat naps and building the robots.

You know, fun stuff.

Anyways, the next chapter will be here over the weekend, so prepare yourselves...For stuff.

Just in case.

'Cause you never know whats gonna happen.

Coming up next: No Strings Attached