Xenophilia: The Cynical Human

''A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.'' - Oscar Wilde

''When you need a way to beat the pressure down... When you need to find a way to breath.. I could be the one to make you feel that way... I could be the one to set you free... If you never see me when the crowd is gone... It used to be so easy, can't you see? I could be the one to make you feel that way... I could be the one to set you freeee...'' The stranger mumbled to himself quietly as he climbed up the hill. His vision was worsening. He felt frail. He felt extremely tired and weak. But he was determined to get to the top of the hill, and Ponyville as well for that matter.

''Ugh...'' The stranger sighed finally reaching the top of the hill. from the hill he could see the top of buildings in the far off distance. To him, the roofs looked like they were made of straw, or thatch, like back in the Medieval Times. Maybe he was just in a third world country or something. Or possibly just medieval times...

''Army of Darkness shit. Heh heh. Try the Blue Lagoon... It'll... Clear your mind...'' A voice in his head commented with a chuckle.

''From the great beyond, a vision told me great warrior and spirit walker would help me on my quest. One who has been to the other side, and returned.'' Another voice said

''Just... Just be quiet...'' The stranger muttered out loud walking down the hill and coming to a bridge. Hearing more voices and his vision darkening, he blacked out.

''Argh!'' The stranger grunted loudly. The headache that had been tormenting him grown into an awful throbbing migraine, and it showed no sign of slowing or stopping. Just... pounding and pounding and pounding... The stranger's eyes shot open as he sat up in what felt like a bed. Scratching his head he noticed that it was wrapped in a medical bandage. Then looking at both of his hands, he noticed that his right one had a medical bandage wrapped around his hand and wrist. Looking around the room appeared to be a hospital. Only smaller then the ones he remembered, and lack of machinery. It felt... Primitive... And a shiver went down his spine... The stranger sighed, lifted up his black hoodie and his shirt and traced his hands up and down the sides of his torso.

''Heh... No stitches... Still have both of my kidneys... For now...'' He thought to himself getting out of bed. His eyes caught the door, he then began to walk over to it with his right hand reaching out for the handle. A few inches from the door handle, the stranger stopped in his tracks. He heard voices talking to each other on the side of the door. He snuck a bit closer to the door and pressed his ear against it. All he heard was muffled speech. Looking over at the bed he noticed a nightstand sitting next to it with a tray sitting on it. He slowly walked over to the nightstand, taking a half empty glass of water that was conveniently placed on it. Dumping the water out on the floor he walked back over to the door, put one side of the glass on the door and the other on his ear. He then listened to the conversation on the other side.

''How is he doctor?'' A male voice asked.

''Who is he?'' A female voice asked

''OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH ANOTHER ONE!'' A high pitched excited voice yelled. ''DO YOU THINK HE LIKES PARTIES? AND CUPCAKES? AND BALLOONS?!''

''Quiet Pinky Pie, tha doctor is tryin' to talk.'' A female voice with a southern accent said.

''Is this other human awake?" A rather feminine voice asked.

"Well, hes unconscious, covered in scratches and scars. And he came in with a bad gash on his head. As if he hit his head really hard against a solid object. Maybe a rock.. He seems to be like hes been through a lot." Another voice replied.

Unexpectedly to the stranger, as he backed away from the door to get back into bed. The door opened and a pony with a white coat and pink mane wearing a nurse's hat walked into the room. The stranger gave the pony an awkward stare before it spoke, startling him a bit.

''Get back in bed! You're seriously hurt!''

The stranger walked over to face the pony, towering above her, he looked her directly in the eyes, and simply said ''No.''

''Please calm down, and get back in bed. You shouldn't even be standing.'' The nurse pony said with concern in her voice.

''I feel just frickin' perfectly fine. Now I want a fucking explanation as to what the hell is going on here right now.'' The stranger said sounding a bit threatening, raising his voice, and staring into the pony's blue eyes.

''Very well, just get back in bed. I'll summon the doctor, and we'll explain everything. I'm nurse Redheart by the way.''

This ''Nurse Redheart'' simply had to open the door a crack and ask for the doctor to enter. Another pony wearing a lab coat entered the room as the stranger sat on the bed tapping his foot on the ground repeatedly and watching the both of them with a cold, blank, emotionless stare.

''Good evening. I'm Doctor Healing Touch. Would you kindly tell me your name please?'' The pony polity asked.

The stranger let out a sigh. ''Ugh... William Shatner.'' The stranger said bluntly. ''Now. I want some damn answers. Where am I? And how the hell are you talking? You're ponies. Beasts. Farm animals.''

''You're in the Ponyville hospital.'' A purple unicorn said entering the room, accompanied by 5 other ponies and a man. The man was less stocky then him, had shoulder-length reddish blonde hair tied into a pony tail, hazel eyes, and a red mustache and goatee.

''You were hurt really bad.'' A sky blue pegasus with a rainbow mane said to him. All of them stared at him as he stared back. For a few moments there was just an awkward silence. The stranger seemed to stare most at the man a few feet away from him the most though.

''So... Whats yer name?'' An orange earth pony wearing a stetson said in a southern accent while everyony else, inluding the other man continued to watch him in anticipation.

''Patrick Stewart.'' The stranger replied bluntly reaching into his pocket and pulling out a cigarette and placing it between his lips, lighting it with the lighter in his other hand.

''Um... Wasn't Patrick Stewart was bald? And way older then you are.'' The man with the reddish blonde hair asked him as he watched him light up a cigarette. ''And do you really have to smoke in here?'' Lero could see that the man was rude, but he brushed it off thinking he was just traumatized.

''What are all of your names?'' The stranger asked ignoring the mans last question and narrowing his eyes at them.

''Oh hi there! My name is Pinky Pie! what's yours? No wait I heard somepony say it what is it? Is it: William, Patrick, no it's a mixture of the two right? Ummm... Wilpat?" The bright pink pony with the frizzy cotton candy-like mane blurted out speaking way too quickly and excitedly. Pinkie's personality instantly became annoying and barely tolerable for the stranger. He mentally facepalmed himself. ''Pinky pie? What kind of stupid name is that?'' He thought to himself taking another puff. ''God damn it this is awkward...''

''Please excuse Pinky's randomness,'' The purple unicorn said to him. ''I'm Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's star pupil.'' Twilight said rather proudly smiling. ''Heh. She sounds rehearsed. Like an annoying suck up goody twos student... Psh... Twilight Sparkle...'' he thought to himself and cringed at the name.

''Mah names Applejack, pleased to meetcha.'' The orange pony with the stetson said extending a hoof towards him. The stranger merely looked at Applejack, then at her hoof, then back at her and said with no emotion in his voice and exhaling a stream of grey, ''Yeah... I'd rather not. Thank you.''

''Oh my stars...'' The white unicorn with the purple neatly styled mane said quietly. Clearing her throat, she introduced herself. ''My name is, Rarity.'' Rarity said to him and backing away a bit. ''Doesn't she seem fancy now?'' He thought mentally chuckling a bit but keeping quiet.

''My names Rainbow Dash! Fastest flyer in Equestria!'' The sky blue pegasus said flying into the air and flying circles around the man. Immediately the stranger felt a distaste for her. Rainbow Dash seemed extremely arrogant to him. And the stranger despised arrogance.

''Alright easy there Dash.'' The man with the reddish blondish ponytail said to Rainbow Dash. She halted, then hovered behind him and wrapped her forehooves around his neck as he began to speak.

''You know I'm very surprised to see another one of my kind here in Equestria. I'm Lero, by the way. Would you mind answering a few questions for us?'' The man known as Lero asked him. ''Starting with your real name. Not the names of the men who played Captain Kirk and that other captain in Star Trek.''

''Daniel Newman.'' He said bluntly taking yet another puff of his cigarette.

''Daniel, can you tell us how you got here?'' Lero asked. Daniel shrugged his shoulders and let out a clueless grunt and flicked his cigarette butt out the window.

''Daniel,'' Twilight said calmly taking a step towards him. ''We found you earlier this morning on the outskirts of Ponyville with a big gash on your head. Tell us, can you remember anything at all?''

''Of course.'' Daniel said bluntly recalling the events of prior to coming here. Some of them... There was still a huge hole in his memory. ''Now, Equestria you said, Lero? I don't recall ever seeing that on a world map. Sounds Australian though.''

''Equestria isn't in Australia. It isn't even on Earth. I honestly don't know where this is. To my thoughts another universe far away from ours.'' Lero said to Daniel calmly. Daniel sat down on the bed hung his head, looking away from them and thought.

''Great beyond.'' A voice said in his head out of nowhere.

''Shut up Tonto!'' Daniel shouted out loud. Startling Lero and the ponies in the room.

''Who the hay is Tonto?'' Applejack asked cocking her head at him.

''Um... Are you alright?'' Pinkie asked concerned

''I'm fine! Enough questions!'' Daniel yelled. ''I just... I just... What the hell do I do now? Am I stuck here?''

''I'm sorry but you are stuck here.'' Rainbow Dash said over Lero's shoulder. Lero and everypony else nodded their heads in affirmation.

''Stuck?'' Daniel said surprised. Anger rising inside of him

''The same way I am. But you get used to it. And now that I think about it,'' Lero said pausing to have a few flashbacks, ''Equestria is a better world than Earth in everyway. The crime rate is low. There is no war. No poverty. Everything is almost perfect.''

Daniel didn't even know how to respond to that. He just stared silently at the floor for a few seconds, then out the window. The bright buildings of Ponyville weren't that far. Somehow... Looking at the buildings made him feel... Slightly irritated. Sure these weren't they boring grey concrete ones he was used to back home, but this all seemed like something out of a little girls mind. For a minute or so there was an awkward silence...

''Daniel,'' Twilight said breaking the silence, ''After I brought you here, I went to informed Mayor Mare of your arrival. And I had my assistant Spike write to Princess Celestia, though she said in her last letter she was going to be away in Saddle Arabia on business and unable to be here. Now, the mayor told me that she would be holding a town meeting tonight, and if possible if you would attend.''

''Say, where is the little darling?'' Rarity asked Twilight

''Hes with Fluttershy helping with the animals. Angel ate a bad carrot and got sick, so she needed help today.'' Twilight replied

''Town meeting? Like a city council?'' Daniel asked scratching his head.

''Twilight means everypony in Ponyville.'' Rainbow Dash commented

''The whole town?''

''Eeyup.'' Applejack said. ''Don't worry sugarcube, we here in Ponyville are very accepting folks.''

''Yep! Everypony here is extremely nice! And they can't wait to meet you!'' Pinky exclaimed bouncing up and down. ''And then later I have to plan your welcome party! It'll be the best welcome party in the world!''

''Welcome party?'' Daniel cringed again. He wasn't exactly one for parties. Or anyone as hyperactive as Pinky Pie for that matter. ''Well... At least she still has to plan it out... Ugh... So much for trying to look at the bright side of that situation...''

''Don't worry dude! It'll be fun!'' Rainbow commented

''Ugh...'' Daniel sighed

''There will be a lot of questions asked at the town meeting, be prepared.'' Lero said turning towards the door as Twilight and the others exited, then looking back at Daniel.

''Are you coming?''

''Yeah... I just need a moment.'' Daniel sighed, still looking out the window, and a million paranoid thoughts running through his head. ''Unicorns... Pegasi... Talking fucking ponies... Stuck...''

''Daniel just go along with it. You're just having a retarded ass dream. You probably drank too much again. Or drugs.'' A voice in his head said in an oddly calming tone.

''Right.''

''Heh... I remember last time you did drugs, crystal meth I think it was, you ran around the neighborhood in your underwear, blacked out, then woke up naked in a chicken coop with your dick stuck inside a basketball.'' Another voice in his head said in douchebaggy manner.

''Ugh... If thats what you wanna think...''

''I'm not the one thinking it. You are.''

''Enough. For all I care right now Its just a dream I'm choosing to play along with. Who frickin' knows...'''