Wackey Friendship Jokez 4 Kidz
Friendship is Horrible- Magic
I know it says Kidz in the title, meaning that it would be for children... in most contexts. This, however, is not one of those. There is a large amount of swearing (from, nearly entirely, our anti-hero), but not enough to warrant a mature rating that would stop most people not old enough. Enjoy!
Dear Princess Celestia
Is he joking? I can't tell. I seriously cannot tell if he thinks its funny or if he is just a jerk. Ever since he arrived earlier today, he has been kinda really rude.
Awaiting your response, Twilight Sparkle
I slipped into my room past the wiry figure over to Spike's sleeping form, careful not to wake the stallion passed out on the ground. This stallion was my house-guest from the wrong side of Manehatten, or so he professed. He was arrested in the middle of a robbery and Celestia apparently felt pity for him... or something like that.
Shaking Spike, I whispered to him "Spike... I have a letter for you to send."
Spike muttered something about tomorrow and turned the other way, and so it was determined that my letter would wait for tomorrow.
With a sigh of defeat, I left my note on the window sill and made my way back to the plush bed that awaited me. I watched the pegasus snore. He was cream colored with shaggy black hair and a scraggly beard. Straight out of Manehatten slums, he said. Rougher and tougher than anything I had ever seen, he said. A no-good rebel without a cause, he said.
I know he's soft on the inside. Even the nastiest of guys have some nice in them.
"What the fuck is this?" A gruff voice spoke, waking me up. Sure enough, it was our newest resident Mickey.
Rubbing my eyes, I sat up to see him holding the note in his right hoof. "Yawn whaaaat do you mean." I spoke half-awake, my yawn slurring my speech.
"Do you think I'm a joke?" He demanded, tossing the paper aside. It slowly drifted to the ground, not even slightly frayed by the course treatment.
"Well, I-" He didn't even let me finish.
"Don't even answer that. I'm not nice. I'm the real fucking deal. Do you want me to start losing my shit? Let's see how funny I am then. Go ahead, say I'm nice." He said, his voice raising as he spoke.
I pondered what he just said. I bit the rim of my hoof trying to think of a proper response. "I don't know what you want me to say... You aren't that funny, do you think your funny?"
He looked to either side of him, then looked down. A slow rumbling laugh began, which quickly turned into a maniacal laughter. He looked up at me and what I saw in his eyes were not good.
"Twilight thinks we got a COMEDIAN IN OUR MIDST!! Times for the show to begin!!" He quickly sprinted out of the room.
"HAHAHAHA" He spat at me "Looks like I'm really funny." He ran around the room, knocking books off the shelf. He grabbed a lamp in his teeth and smashed it against the ground. "Looks like the princess' pet is enjoying the show! Hardiharhar, he's breaking shit. Look at him, he's being an asshole... LAWL!!!" He pulled out a lighter, which I quickly put a stop to, my aura enveloping his body. I pulled him to me with all the might I could. Thankfully, he didn't even put up a fight.
"What the bloody tartarus is your deal?" I said with my teeth gritted for whatever smartass response would come next.
"My deal is that you think you're oh, so special with your charmed life and think you can judge me. You don't know what I've been through, you don't know who I am, what I've dealt with... you don't know me." I something change inside, but I wasn't sure if it was in me, or him. He was still the same mean, aggressive, detestable bloke, but he seemed different. As if there might be a reason.
I let him fall to the ground and cast my eyes away from him. "You're right. I don't know... any of those things, but I do know one thing. You don't like me, and given your destructive behavior, I don't like you. But we need to deal with each other, at least until you can prove you've learned something. What do ya say? Truce?" I spoke, declaring my wish for peace.
"Just tell me what I need to do." He said vehemently.
"Perfect, err, good. Spike, prepare a list." I looked into my bedroom to see Spike with a mortified face. "Spike?" I turned my head to face Mickey. "Mickey, prepare a list. One, get Spike some help. Two, put the books back on the shelves in their proper order. Three, Clean up the shards of glass from the lamp. Four, get a new lamp. Five, re-organize the entire library. Six, get a bed for Mickey. Seven... Are you writing this down?" I asked.
"How do you expect me to write? I have no paper, no quill and no shits to give about your stupid list." He said sarcastically. "And this list better be for you, because there is no way in tartarus that I'm doing any of that."
"New list. One, have Rarity give Mickey a lesson in manners. Two, find Mickey some friends. Three, have Fluttershy teach him about compassion. Four, introduce him to everypony else."
"You know you can say 'anybody' right? Frankly, I don't see the point. I would know what you meant, and everybody isn't species exclusive. Are you going to say everypony in front of a griffon?" He spoke, smacking his lips. "Yeah, that's what I thought."
I walked into the library and saw Mickey hunched over a desk. Without noticing I was there, he jogged out of the room. I looked at the small piece of paper.
Deer Prinsess Sule Selestia,
Today, I lurned abowt freindship.
Sinseerly, Mickey
Wackey Friendship Jokez 4 Kidz
Friendship is Detestable- Kindness Part 1
I bet you all are excited to read about my unbearable stay in Ponyville.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I actually do believe there is hope for him. That is, if Rainbow doesn't kill him first for being a dick. I'm holding off that introduction for as long as possible.
Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle
After getting Spike into bed with some water, I went to Quills & Sofas with Mickey.
We walked into the store. It must have seemed rather peculiar to see me walking next to a tall, slouching figure.
Upon being greeted by an employee, he immediately made himself unpleasant.
"Is there anything I can help you with?" asked the kind mare whose job it was to stand there and ask that question.
"Yeah, like I need help from a mare who can't even find a well paying job or understand how to fill out a job application." Mickey said, walking straight past her.
"Excuse me, what did you just say?" the mare said, demanding his attention.
"I really don't need to clarify this. It's a really simple statement- I DO NOT NEED HELP FROM YOU. If you can figure it out, I'm sure that I can too."
"I'm sorry about him. We would love some help. Where would the mattresses be?" I asked, trying to diffuse the situation.
"No, no. He's right, you don't need help from the common rabble. I'm sure you can figure it out." she said, going back to her position.
I need to get him a lesson in kindness ASAP. I'm not so sure about how Fluttershy will take it though. I thought to myself as I chased after Mickey.
Once I caught up, he was looking at a sofa with a smug look.
"That's not a mattress, why are you so happy?" I asked him, perplexed by his pride
"Found the perfect one." he said.
"That's a sofa, not a bed." I said once more.
"It's a futon, it's both." he said. "You can put the back down and use it as a bed."
"Alright, if that's what you want." I sighed, getting out my purse.
After laboriously dragging the "futon" home because the cashier refused to assist the likes of us, I decided to skip the lesson with Rarity and instead set up a meeting with Fluttershy. He really needed the kindness.
"We are going to visit my good friend Fluttershy. I know you aren't really listening, but you NEED to be nice to her." I said, trying to clarify this to him.
"Oh, yeah. I will be. Are you questioning my social integrity?" He asked, slouched in his futon, which was right now in couch position.
"I don't think you understand. If you are not nice to her, or Celestia forbid you make her cry, you will be in a lot of trouble." I said, trying to snap him out of the lethargic haze.
"Like I said earlier, I've been through a lot. Most of its bad. It won't be the first time I was in 'a lot of trouble'. Besides, who's going to stop me?" He said arrogantly.
"Rainbow Dash and Applejack, only the two strongest mares in all of Ponyville." I said, confident that would get him.
"Yeah, you had me until you said 'mare'. I'm not scared of those two." he relaxed once more, reclining in his futon.
"Some things you just have to learn yourself." I sighed to myself.l I left my library to go to the border of Everfree forest so I may warn Fluttershy of the impending doom.
"I'm sure he just has a case of the grumpies." Fluttershy said after I warned her.
"You don't believe me either!" I exclaimed. "This is absolutely infuriating. The reason why I'm introducing you to him is so you can teach him to be nice."
"Silly Twilight, he's probably very nice. Why do you only see the worst in people?"
"Because sometimes that's all there is." I said, admitting to myself that in the short time I've dealt with, I've learned that there is not 1% of kindness. Not even .1%, or any smaller increments. He truly is a "no-good street punk rebel without a cause that calls no man mister because that's how I roll" as he so eloquently put it.
"Oh Twilight, I'm sure he's not that bad. You're just over-reacting." Fluttershy tried to reassure me. But she hadn't met him... She didn't know what he was like... She didn't know.
"I just wanted to warn you. I'll be back with him in say... an hour?" I asked
"That would be fine Twilight. Me and all the critters are very excited." Fluttershy said, bidding my ado.
"Goodbye." I left her home and began my way to my own home. On the walk home, I realized how I thought of the cretin.
She hadn't met him... She didn't know what he was like... She didn't know. I had thought wasn't that exactly... what he said to me...
"Oh shit..." I said to myself once I realized the impact he was having. "With Celestia as my witness, I will never become like Mickey... NEVER!"
"I'm back." I announced as I let the door drift into place with a heavy thunk.
"And I should care why?" Mickey said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Because you want to get out of here."
"Who told you that? I have fucking futon, someone who might as well be an indentured servant and no worries about being cut up."
"You told me that! We had an agreement- You do as I say so you can get out of here."
Correction, you said 'You're right. I don't know... any of those things, but I do know one thing. You don't like me, and given your destructive behavior, I don't like you. But we need to deal with each other, at least until you can prove you've learned something. What do ya say? Truce?' Get your hand off your dick and start remembering correctly." He recited my words back to me, imitating my voice, albeit poorly, matching my normal inflections to a tee.
"How did you do that?" I asked walking closer to him. My eyes squinted, trying to size him up.
"I have a photographic memory. Didn't know that, now did you? What, did your precious princess not include that in the memo? Oh, is the little miss smarty pants upset that she doesn't know absolutely everything about everyone." He mocked me. It took a lot to stop myself from outright assault. No, a lot is an understatement. It took everything I had not to tear him limb from limb.
I clapped my hooves and rubbed my temples. "I don't know what you want! You have got to be the most difficult pony ever."
"Look who's finally catching on. Was destroying your house the first clue, or was it insulting you just now? I gotta say, I think it was the latter.".
Will Twilight put up with Mickey? Will Mickey play nice with Fluttershy? Probably not, but find out for sure next time in the conclusion to Friendship is Detestable- Lessons in Kindness