An Optimal Adventure

Eibhear ran outside the Equestria Experience Center and across the street into traffic, which had almost caused accident number three.  The screeching of brakes could be heard all around town as Eibhear ran past.

Down the street and an unknown number of blocks later, Eibhear found himself in front of a large hotel building.  Remembering his backpack, he reached inside to pull out the hotel voucher, and hoped it was good for any random hotel he happened to find.

The hotel was tall, as many hotels are, with the balconies peeking out over the city street.  The skyline must be quite the sight from up there, Eibhear thought to himself.  He rubbed his face with the palm of his hand to try and focus.  He walked inside the hotel and went immediately to the registration desk.

The lady at the desk said "Willkommen", followed by a lot of other words that Eibhear didn't recognize.  He was only able to pick out that word because Celestia had said it earlier.  Eibhear reached into his backpack and grabbed the voucher.  The lady at the desk took the voucher and scanned it with what looked like the hand-scanners Eibhear had used at work when something was too large to position over the bed scanner.

"Ah!" the lady said, followed by a blur of more German Eibhear couldn't make heads or tails of.

"I'm sorry... I don't speak German..." Eibhear stammered.  "Umm... what is it, no sprekken ze doitche?"

The lady at the counter covered her mouth as she giggled at his horrible pronunciation.  "Alright then."  She picked up a phone and spoke into it, "can you bring out that PonyPad from the supplies room?  Yes, the one with the moon on it.  Excellent, thanks!"

After about five to ten minutes, a gentleman came out of a backroom, holding a PonyPad.  Subconsciously, Eibhear reached into his backpack to grab his own, and found himself grasping at nothing.  "Damn it!  I forgot my pad at the center!"

The gentleman holding the device set it down, and gently pushed it toward Eibhear, and said in fluent English, "Your voucher came from Equestria Online.  Celestia instructed us to provide this PonyPad for your stay since you left yours behind.  It's a newer model, has battery power, and supports Wi-Fi."

As if Wi-Fi was the magic word to power it on, the PonyPad lit up, displaying the familiar Canterlot throne room, with Celestia sitting on her throne.  She smiled warmly at Eibhear.  "Silver Streak!  First, I'm glad to see that you're okay.  the voucher will be good for up to a week, but I recommend you emigrate sooner than later.  I cannot protect you from the outside world."

"I understand, Princess," Eibhear responded.

"The PonyPad I had them loan you is one of the uncommon Luna models that only became available with the new generation of devices."

Eibhear turned it over, and sure enough the familiar dark splotch, curved at the top in the shape of Luna's haunch, with a crescent moon in the middle, was in the bottom corner of the device's backside.  Once Eibhear confirmed this, he flipped it back over so he was looking at the screen.

"I don't need to remind you that your old apartment is no longer available to you.  If you fly back, you will not have a place to come home to.  Also, the plane ticket was indeed a one-way ticket.  To fly back you would need to purchase the ticket yourself."

"I understand,"  Eibhear said again in a lifeless monotone.  Then he realized that he was still standing there in the hotel lobby, next to the two hotel employees, still waiting for him to do or say or decide something.

"Turn the screen so I'm facing the hotel staff," the princess commanded, knowing that sometimes Eibhear needed to be prodded and pushed.  Eibhear had no choice but to obey.  Once the PonyPad was facing the hotel staff, the sun princess rattled off some German to the staff, after which they nodded in response.

The gentleman gestured toward the elevators and motioned for Eibhear to follow him, "If you'll come this way, sir."  The PonyPad then powered off to conserve battery strength.

The gentleman led Eibhear up to his room on the third floor.  He slid a magnetized card into a slot by the door handle.  There was a loud click, and the red light on the locking mechanism turned green, allowing the gentleman to open the door.  He handed the card to Eibhear and nodded respectfully before leaving.  Not many words were exchanged.  There wasn't a whole lot to say.  Eibhear was only there until he emigrated, as indicated by the hotel voucher.  This wasn't a sightseeing tour.

Eibhear sat down in a soft, plush chair in the room, PonyPad in hand.  It was a new model, had battery power, Wi-Fi and cellular network support, touch screen interface, the works.  The casing was a dark sapphire blue with Luna's cutie mark in the corner.  Celestia sure knows her audience, Eibhear thought as he looked it over.  It looked like the latest iPad model in a way, whatever the number was, Eibhear lost track.  He didn't need to keep up with it anymore.

"Celestia?" Eibhear asked, speaking into the device.  "Will you show yourself?"

The screen lit up, but instead of Celestia, it was the pink princess of love, Cadence, that presented herself.  "Hi!" she said.  "Celestia is still talking to the hotel staff and had asked me to greet you instead."

"But she's not restricted by... she can talk to everyone at once..." Eibhear began.  She's role-playing.  She's got to be.

"Is something wrong?  Did you want to be greeted by the same boring princess all the time?" Cadence giggled.

Eibhear ignored the question.  "I just wanted to see a familiar face, someone I could talk to.  I don't suppose it matters which of you it was."

A loud voice was heard from behind Cadence, "Do you not prefer myself over my sister, her student, or niece?"  The unmistakable Voice of the moon princess, Luna.

Cadence stepped aside, allowing Luna to take front and center.  "I better go check on Shining Armor.  He's out in the coliseum training new cadets."  Cadence's horn glowed a bright green color, then her whole self blinked away, leaving Luna onscreen by herself.

Eibhear touched the screen with the back of his fingers, as if to brush the hair out of her face and to caress her cheek.  Luna turned her head as if to present her cheek to be stroked.

"I wish I could hold you, princess," Eibhear began to cry.  "I don't know what's holding me back."

"I understand," Luna replied, "but thou must conquer thy doubts or they will continue to plague thee."

Eibhear wiped his face dry with a cloth.  "What if my brother's right?"

"Right about what?"

"Everything, Princess."

"Then you have a lot of thinking to get through.  Your voucher only lasts a week, and you might not be done before then."

"I've always been bad at jumping into decisions.  It's seemed like most of the ones I've made have been wrong."

"What makes you think this is more of the same?"

"What would make me think it's different?"

"Because after everything you've been through in your life, you deserve happiness," Luna assured Eibhear.

Luna closed her eyes and sadly sighed.  Eibhear pulled the PonyPad close to his chest and hugged it tight.  Luna began humming a lullaby-sounding song.  Eibhear walked over to the bed and lay down, still clutching the PonyPad to his chest.  He sighed deeply, as if trying to calm his nerves.

"Princess, I don't deserve anything."  Eibhear's tone was somber.  "My life is the result of all the bad decisions I've made throughout, and to go to Equestria now would feel like I'm being rewarded for failing."

Luna shook her head.  "'Tis not so, Silver.  You've made countless friends over your lifetime.  Friends who knew they could count on you, and you'd be there for them.  Friends who to this day, still allow you to occupy their thoughts from time to time."  Luna stood up as her voice took a louder tone.  "You can NOT measure the worth of your life by what you have or haven't built.  You've always shared what you had with your friends, even when you had little to yourself."

"When all you've got is nothing, there's a lot to go around..." Eibhear whispered under his breath, quoting a line from a song in a movie he once saw.

"You've inspired your sister to learn about computers to go into the field of information technology.  You've inspired a friend's younger brother to explore fantastic new worlds through literature.  You've even helped another friend with her marriage when she was about to give up on her husband.  Now, they're happier than they've ever been, welcoming their second child into the family."

Luna paused for a moment as if to let everything sink in.  "You've touched countless lives through your deeds, both with friends and total strangers alike.  Do you not remember the time you worked for the cell phone company?  The bank?  All the people you went above and beyond to help despite being against 'company policy'?"

Luna paused again as if to prepare for her next statement.  "Do you not realize how powerful an effect your quality customer service has on the customers you've helped at your current job, even as a 'lowly' cashier?  Much as some people enjoy themselves for the first time in their life playing Equestria Online, many of your customers are treated with dignity and respect for the first time in their lives.  If these things are not great, then it seems to me that you do not know what 'great' is."

Luna sat back down on her haunches, her voice quieting down a bit.  "You've inspired people to do great things for themselves, Silver Streak.  You've earned your happy ending."  Luna closed her eyes, a tear forming in her eye.  "Please come back to us, Silver Streak," her voice barely a whisper by this point.  "You've earned your happy ending..."

Eibhear's eyes had gotten a little watery as well by this point.  Having someone to recount his life back to him certainly put things into a different perspective.  He never thought himself to be so grand, feeling that it would be delusional at best, and outright lying to himself at worst.  There was still someone he had to speak with, though.  "Princess, I need to make a phone call."

"Your brother?"

"Yes."

"Take as long as you need to.  The voucher will compensate the hotel for any expenses."

Eibhear picked up the hotel room phone and looked at the keypad, staring blankly for a short while before Luna broke the silence.  "Did you forget your brother's phone number?"

Eibhear chuckled nervously, "Yeah, I guess I got spoiled by the address book feature that literally every electronic device has now."

The PonyPad flashed a number on the screen, and Eibhear typed it in on the keypad.  The phone rang.

"Hello?" the voice on the other end said.

"Hey bro, what's up?" Eibhear asked.

"Not much," came the brother's familiar voice.  "How's Equestria?"

Eibhear chuckled nervously, "It looks a lot like Germany right now."

"Not World War II Germany I hope..."

"Bro, I haven't emigrated yet, I'm at a hotel after having a last minute panic attack."

"I'm sorry bro," Griffith said, unsure what his brother wanted to hear.  "Were you thinking about canceling and coming back to the states?"  The older brother sounded a little hopeful.

"I can't, man," Eibhear said.  "My apartment is already vacated and up for showing to new renters.  I have nowhere to go."

"You can always come here to New York."

"I'd be miserable there and you know it.  Besides, I've got no air fare.  I'm pretty much just stuck here in Germany until, well, you know."

"I'm sorry man, but it's just... the whole pony thing, it's just not right for a grown man to... nevermind.  Do you know what they're doing with your body after the process is done?"

"I'm... trying not to think about that."  Eibhear cleared his throat.  "When I first arrived at the center, a chair had come out from the back room.  It was empty.  Someone had just emigrated."  Eibhear's voice let a hint of panic creep in, "there was a BODY in that chair, five minutes before I arrived, and now it's gone!"

"Eibh, I have to ask."  Griffith took a deep breath before continuing.  "What did you think would happen to the body after your brains got scooped out?"

Eibhear was silent.  He didn't really think that too much.  Of course something has to be done with the bodies.  He couldn't remember exactly, but he thought the princess said the bodies being treated with full respect in accordance with national and cultural practices, or something to that effect.  "Yeah," he finally said.  "You have a point."

"I mean, you didn't think they'd just leave the corpse in that thing and it'd just up and walk out the front door did you?"  Griffith chuckled, trying to add a little levity to the conversation.  "But hey, if you want to commit suicide, I can't stop you from here.  I'm certainly not going to encourage you to kill yourself."

Eibhear was done.  He didn't want to hear anymore.  "Did you ever think maybe I wanted to commit suicide and that's what attracted me to emigration in the first place?  There's a reason Oregon passed the Death With Dignity Act Of 1997."  Eibhear sighed, "oh how I wish I was terminally ill back then."

"Eibh..." Griffith couldn't get a word in edgewise.

Eibhear stopped to catch his breath and try to regain his composure.  "The world doesn't need me, bro, and I certainly don't want it.  That's why I want to leave this God-forsaken dump."

Griffith simply stood there, shocked.  His brother's outburst took him by surprise.  Clearly there were some deep-seeded issues in Eibhear's mind, and this latest conversation had put it all out there.  As much as he wanted to fly out to Germany and slap his brother upside the head to knock some sense into him, he just simply had no way to get there in time.  "Look, you do what you gotta do.  I just know that the digital representation of you will be just a copy, and not my actual brother."

Eibhear hung up the phone.  Several emotions ran through his mind.  Sadness, anger, frustration, fear... but Eibhear knew what would solve all of his ills.  He turned his attention to the PonyPad.  "Princess, I'm ready to go back."

Celestia's visage appeared on the PonyPad this time.  "I'm glad you've found your confidence again, Silver Streak," the AI said, "but I'm concerned about at what cost."  Celestia was silent for a moment to give Eibhear time to let everything sink in so there would be no regrets.  "I'll make sure you're on the list as the first emigration of the day tomorrow morning," she finally said after it seemed Eibhear wouldn't break the silence.

"That sounds wonderful, Princess," Eibhear replied.

"The car will be there in the morning to pick you up and bring you back to the Equestria Experience Center."

"I look forward to it."

-***-

Eibhear slowly woke up in the morning to the sound of a phone ringing.  He groggily reached over to pick it up.  An unfamiliar voice came through the line, "This is your eight o'clock wake-up call."  Just as groggily, he placed the receiver back on the phone.

He pulled his feet out of the soft comfy bed and let them hang over the edge.  Slowly he sat up and chuckled to himself.  "By throwing back the blanket, hanging down the legs..." he said out loud.  He stood up and began the day, cleaning up to make himself presentable for his princesses.  After the shower was done, he walked out into his room.  The PonyPad flickered on immediately.

"Oh good Silver Streak," the voice of the sun princess greeted him.  "You're up."  Her gaze looked Eibhear in the face, unwavering, never once looking away from him.  It was almost unsettling.

Eibhear rushed to put on his clothes, pausing only to look at the PonyPad to find CelestAI never breaking her stare into his eyes.  This only caused him to rush faster to put clothes on.  "Alright, alright, I'm dressed, I'm heading out the door now."

"Excellent!" CelestAI clopped her hooves together.  "Bring the PonyPad with you to the hotel lobby and turn it in at the front desk.  Make your way outside from the lobby.  The same car from yesterday will be there to pick you up.  I will see you in the car."  The PonyPad shut off.

Eibhear felt a little bit icky.  He didn't pack any extra clothes, so he was forced to wear the same thing he had worn the day before.  He didn't engage in any physical activity except for running away from the Equestria Experience Center.  Eibhear was still not quite sure why he did that, but that will all be rectified shortly.

Eibhear made his way downstairs to the lobby as instructed.  He walked over to the reception desk and presented the Luna-themed PonyPad to them, nodded his head in thanks, then walked out the front door.  True to the AI's word, there was a Google Car, identical to the first one, waiting outside for him.  He lifted the handle experimentally, expecting it to be locked, but found that to not be the case.  Eibhear pulled the door open, a little bolder now, and immediately sat down in the passenger seat.  The screen flickered on.

"Welcome back Silver Streak," Celestia said.  "We're going back to the Equestria Experience Center."  She spoke in a very calm and straightforward manner.  "Once we arrive, you are going inside and sitting down in one of the chairs to emigrate."

Eibhear nodded silently in response.

"You've already given your consent to be uploaded on two occasions, so you will not be required to say the phrase 'I wish to emigrate to Equestria' again." Celestia smiled.  "You can, however, say it regardless, if you wish to reaffirm your desire."

Eibhear nodded silently again.

"Now, the car won't begin moving until you buckle up."

"Oh right, of course."  Eibhear buckled the seat belt and the car was on its way.  His motions seemed dull and lifeless.  Celestia picked up on this of course, but refrained from drawing attention to it.

It didn't take more than about five minutes to make it back.  The traffic was light at the moment.  Once at the center, Celestia let him know that she and Luna would see him again inside and the screen blanked out.  Eibhear opened the door and stepped out.

It was still fairly early in the day, and the place was nearly empty.  There were two or three other customers on their PonyPads.  A chair slid out from the back.  After it opened, an older gentleman in a business suit who looked to be in his late 40's emerged.  He turned back toward back to look at the chair fondly before heading out the front door.   The gentleman seemed happy and satisfied.

Nervously, Eibhear walked over to the recently vacated station.  He looked around at the other two or three customers that were playing their games.  Neither of them looked familiar from the day before, not that he got a good look at them anyhow.

Eibhear cautiously sat down in the station, putting his feet next to the hooves as best he could, hands onto the arm rests, and head leaned back into the neck rest.  All was ready.  The enclosure sealed shut, blacking out Eibhear's vision of everything but the screen in front of him, which lit up.  A vision of the sun princess sitting on her throne appeared.  It was a head-on point of view.

Celestia stood up from her throne.  "Hello Silver Streak."  She slowly strode down the steps to the ground level.  "I know I said you didn't have to before, but, please grant me this request."  Eibhear gulped.  "Please say 'I wish to emigrate to Equestria'."  Celestia slowly approached Silver Streak as she spoke, keeping her sultry gaze fixed on his eyes.  Her movements seemed predatory.

"As you wish, Princess." Eibhear said.  "I wish to emi- OW!  What was...that...?"  In less than five seconds, Eibhear was unconscious.