Relatively Safe Liaisons

Now, Pinkie is not exactly the ideal type to go to for romantic advice.  However, considering my options, I did not have much of a choice.

1. I decided against Twilight because that filly has the worst luck when it comes to keeping secrets (Pinkie told me about how she tried to keep Spike’s not-too-secret infatuation to herself.  I now have a growing paranoia that Pinkie is stalking all of us at every turn.).  She would also most likely try to turn this into an experiment, and I cannot articulate how little I want these dreams of mine to be used by Twilight for her own devious reasons (then again, that’s probably what a psychologist would have done, so nuts to psychology).

2. For obvious reasons, I could not consult Applejack.  However, beyond that this is about her, Applejack tends to be quite, skittish, when it comes to topics of a titillating type.  During the infamous sleepover at Twilight’s house, after AJ and I reconciled our differences, we decided to give truth or dare another try.  The topics for truth took a racy turn (courtesy of yours truly) and when it came time for Applejack to answer something as simple as with whom did she have her first kiss, we had to practically chain her to the floor to keep her from dashing out into the night.

I know what you’re thinking, “ooh, Rarity, that’s out of character for Applejack, she’s the element of honesty, blah blah blaaaah!!”.  Look I don’t know what to tell you, other than that the Elements of Harmony, to us at least, are just magic stones that shoot rainbows to make villains go away.  Whatever element we happen to be honestly doesn’t have any bearing on how the six of us behave or go about our lives. So I’m capable of being selfish, Fluttershy is capable of being nasty or rude, and yes, Applejack is capable of lying. Terribly sorry to “burst” anyone’s “bubble”.

1. Fluttershy should be fairly self-explanatory.  That pony is afraid of her own shadow.  Trying to extract advice from her about my sordid lucid dreams would be a frustrating ordeal.  It’s a shame too; it could have made for delicious spa talk.

2. Rainbow Dash would (1)-Most likely laugh at the dreams I’m having, (2)-Be far too casual about it. More than being brash, Dash lacks any tact whatsoever.  If I were to explain my predicament to our pegasus friend, she would (after guffawing for an hour) probably tell me to go to Sweet Apple Acres and pounce on Applejack as if she was my prey in the wild. The great irony being that Rainbow Dash would suggest this as option A for yours truly, but that she can’t seem to get the nerve to ask Fluttershy out on a date (but we’ll touch upon that later, wink).

3. Spike?  He would cry like a bitch.  I know that’s brutish malediction on my part, but I would say that’s a fairly concise explanation.  Spike would cry like a little bitch.

So given my limited options, Pinkie was the only sensible option.  As, well, unhinged as that filly is, she is probably the most trustworthy out of my friends, what with her Pinkie promises and all.  I could count on her to keep my predicament to her pink-self.  Who knows, perhaps she could lend some valuable advice (perhaps being the keyword, here).

Setting out to Sugarcube Corner, I made it my mission not to be sidetracked by any interlopers.

So naturally, I just had to bump into Applejack.

And it wasn’t so much bump, as it was crash.  Of course, I’m getting way ahead of myself, so perhaps I should back things up a bit.

I was trotting to Sugarcube Corner with my eyes darted in said direction.  As previously mentioned, I made my way forward determined not to get distracted by anything else.  So naturally, I did not notice until it was far too late that a cart of fruit was right in my path.

After experiencing a thunderous crash, I awoke from a hazy bump on the head.  Confused as to where I was, I opened my eyes to find I was lying down in the town square just down the street from Sugarcube Corner.  There was something else, however, that had reign of my attention: something that I was perched on top of, something that was firm, something that was warm, orange, APPLEJACK!!!

Oh! Curse such an awkward (not to mention, contrived) coincidence.  Here I am, having all these sultry dreams about my rustic friend, and now here she was, helping me act out one of those very fantasies (number 4 to be exact.  I remember that, because in all the other ones, I’m on bottom).

Needless to say, I was embarrassed beyond belief.  I had to play it cool, otherwise, I might let something slip.

“Uh-ah...Applejack, how are you this fine day?”

If there was anything redder than a red delicious or any of my various scarlet gowns, it was Applejack’s face. AJ’s chest (and by extension, myself) was rising up and down with her heavy breathing and furious palpitations.  I was shocked to say the least.  This couldn’t mean what I thought it meant.

I tried to break the tension.  “Um, Applejack, are you feeling alright?  You’re positively red all over!” Okay, obviously I wasn’t really trying that hard, but everything was so sudden!

AJ’s pupils shrunk as the rest of her eyes widened.  Next thing I know, she’s shoving me off of herself onto the ground.  I touched the dirt! Honest-to-Celestia dirt! Regardless of the context, I was furious at that filly for bucking me on the Celestia-damned mother-bucking ground!!!

Wow, where did that come from?  Most unladylike.  Terribly sorry.  Moving on!

As I was saying, I was rather upset with Applejack, who had distanced herself a good ten feet away from where I was lying (the bucking ground!) and was standing fully erect.  More than upset, I was absolutely livid.

“How dare you, Applejack? How could you buck me onto the ground?  The ground of all places!”

Applejack didn’t say anything for what became a very long silence.  The awkwardness was only exemplified when AJ finally managed to open her mouth and she let out something that somepony might call a mix of a record scratch and a griffon’s shriek.  I was so baffled that I couldn’t even respond to it before Applejack started to run away.  I raised my hoof and cried out,

“AJ, darling, come back!  What’s the matter?”  No avail.

In hindsight, it seemed silly that I did not fully realize what was going through that pony’s head.  All I was thinking at the time was that somepony else probably needed their head checked by Pinkie (I never thought I would have ever had to write those words in that sequence).

Regardless, I got on my hooves, inspected myself fervently for any dirt (I appeared fine, either way, I would need the usual at the spa, better safe than unsanitary) and trotted my way to Sugarcube Corner, thankfully without any further distractions.

__________________________________________

It’s a shame, I was hoping for Pinkie to pull out her fortune teller persona when I consulted her about my dreams.  Twilight told me about her experience with “Madame Pinkie” a little over a year ago, and it got me intrigued.  The idea of Pinkie bedizened in some gaudy Saddle-Arabian garments while waving her hooves around a crystal orb and making exaggerated theremin sounds with her mouth puts a smile to my face.

What do get to the contrary?  Pinkie’s persona on this day was somepony in a dull grey suit and and an ugly, white beard (not a fan of beards, sue me).  She was also speaking in a hokey and frankly ugly accent that she insisted was real and was called “Austrian”.  If those of you on the so-called “internet” could please help me out, I would be eternally grateful, because I have no idea what she was talking about. Then again, I never understand what goes on with that filly’s mind so, you know what? Disregard what I said.  I don’t need your help: I’m chalking it up to “It’s Pinkie Pie”.

Anyway, as disappointed as I was in Pinkie’s choice of persona, our actual dialogue went along surprisingly productively......

_____________________________________

(I’ll spare you the annoyance of having to read and me the pain of having to write out Pinkie’s accented speaking.)

“Rarity.  In my medical opinion...”

“You are not a medical professional.”

“Well, I guess you don’t want my advice then.”  Pinkie made a melodramatic huff and turned away.

“Wait, wait, I’m sorry.  I do.  I really want your advice on this, please, you’re the only one I can turn to, frankly.”

She turned around with a gleaming in her eyes, clearly about to cry.  “Really?  You mean it? Pinkie swear?” She extended her hoof.

“Pinkie swear.”  I bro-hoofed her back.  Pinkie then proceeded to let out a fountainous stream of tears.  Oh, what I would give to be able to cry on cue like that; not to mention, her ability to immediately bounce back into her bubbly self.  With skills like that, I could be a famous actress and be beloved by all of Equestria.  I could then go to my parents and finally tell them, “Ha! I never needed your love! Whadya think about that, Mom, you cold, neglectful whore!!”

I sincerely hope my family never reads this.  Then again, on the off-chance they would discover this log, they would probably forget it the next day like the dim drunkards that they are....ROMANCE!!!  I AM TALKING ABOUT ROMANCE!!!!! CONVERSATION WITH PINKIE PIE!!!! NO MORE TANGENTS!!!!

Pinkie proceeded to jump into her “thinking” pose.  It was amazing, she did a backflip right from her chair and plopped back into the exact same spot now in that serious, contemplative mien.  All these talents she has, and yet she still works as a baker’s apprentice, what a shame.

Buck it.  It’s Pinkie.

After spending a minute in thought, a light bulb appeared above Pinkie’s head, and I’m not speaking metaphorically either.  I’ll leave that to your imagination.

“Rarity, in my medical opinion...”

“You’re-uh, nevermind.”

“In my medical opinion, you should ask Applejack out on a date.”

I forgot to mention earlier, but the two of us were having some tea with our conversation, and I was taking a sip of mine.  You can imagine what happened next, and I’ll give you one good guess as to where the piping hot tea went.

After a quick trip to urgent care, Pinkie Pie (now blindfolded by bandages) reiterated her solution to my predicament.  Having been given time to consider her answer, I was able to conjure-up an eloquent, articulate, and above all, mature rebuttal.

“Oh, hay no!”

“Aww, why not?” Pinkie sounded rather deflated.  She obviously has something in common with you “shippers”.

“Pinkie, come on, let’s be realistic.  I would never ask out one of my friends and risk such awkwardness.  That’s how friendships get ruined.”

“Wow Rares, you could not be more wrong.”

“And just what would you know about such matters, Rainbow Da-RAINBOW DASH!?”

How did I not notice her leaning outside by the open window?  That filly couldn’t make a stealthy entrance to save her life!

“Oooh, hey Dashie, what’s the haps?”

“Err, Pinks, why are you talking to the counter?”

Pinkie did a 180 degree turn in her chair to face in Rainbow’s direction.  “Tee-hee-hee, sorry Dashie.  Rare-rare blinded me and now I can’t see a thing.”

“Huh.  You seem to be in good spirits about it.”

“Well it gives me a chance to throw a “Temporary Blindness” party!”

Rainbow and I proceeded to pull off a simultaneous “Facehoof 2X” (only doable in the presence of Pinkie Pie).

“Nevermind that.  Just what are you doing here Rainbow Dash?  How rude of you to eavesdrop on our conversation!”

“Hey hey!  I was just walking by.  It’s not my fault this window was wide open.”

Rolling my eyes, I conceded to that fact.  “Regardless, what insight do you think you would have on a predicament like this?”

“Well as I said earlier, you’re completely wrong when you think a relationship would damage your friendship with AJ.”

“Oh and how would you know?”

“Um, maybe because AJ and I dated a long time ago.”

I wasn’t going to do another spit-take, but rest assured, it was difficult to resist.

“How...you, Applejack....what?”

“Heh heh, yeah, back when I first moved to Ponyville, I met AJ at the welcoming party that Pinkie threw for me.”

Pinkie giggled. “That one was a blast!”

I remembered that party. Kind of.  You see, Rainbow being a pegasus, Pinkie decided to go for a flight theme.  She ended up throwing a “High as a Kite” party.  So, yeah, all I can recall is that I consumed more tortilla chips in one night than I ever had in my entire life.

“Yeah, yeah; it was classic Pinkie Pie party.  So anyway, AJ and I hit it off and so we became marefriends for a little while.  It was cool and everything, but after awhile, it just kinda ran out of steam, so we just sorta called it off.  Long story short, we’re still tight as ever.  So stop being such a foal and just ask AJ out.”

This time I was by my lonesome when it came to facehoofing.  “Yeah, brilliant idea, Rainbow Dash, except for one thing: how do I know that she would even want to date me?”

“Whaddya talking about, Rares?  You look good, and you’re not too annoying most of the time.  I don’t see why AJ wouldn’t say no if you asked her out.”

“Yeah, and besides, Applejack has had a crush on you for a while.”

I don’t want to use the phrase “so silent, you could hear a pin drop” because it’s so terribly cliched and tired, but just for the record, that was the perfect description of the scene at Sugarcube Corner after that particular outburst by our Pink compatriot.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting that.”  Rainbow replied in a genuinely shocked tone.

I, on the other hoof, forgot what words were.  In lieu of diction, Dash and Pinkie were treated to yours truly stammering and blinking profusely in an over-exaggerated manner that, in some Canterlot theatres, would be touted as masterful performance art.

Rainbow swooped into the interior of Sugarcube Corner and poured unto me a bucket full of the Ponypox vaccine to silence me.  Naturally, I cried for the pitiful state of my mane.

“Aww, don’t worry Rare-rare, your mane looks just fine.”

“Why thank you Pink-” I stopped immediately as Pinkie began giggling profusely.  Obviously, being blinded hadn’t dampened her mood in the slightest.

“Well Pinkie, considering your penchant for pranking, can I assume that your previous statement was simply a bad joke?”

Pinkie gave three swift shakes of the head.  “Nuh-uh.  That was absolutely, 100 percent true.  Or does thou doubteth our Pinkie sense?”

“Pinks, why are you talking like that?  Is this your new persona.  I gotta be honest, I miss “Madame Pinkie”.”

“No time for that, Rainbow Dash.  Now Pinkie, what does your Pinkie sense have to do with anything?”

“Uh, duh! If my right foreleg stiffens along with my jawline, combined with the twitching of my eye, it signals to me that somepony has a crush on somepony else; and I got that sensation from Applejack when you two were talking at the donut shop after the Gala.”

“Oh that’s what that was?  Huh, and all this time, I thought you were just having a stroke.”  (This has never been confirmed, but those of us in our circle of friends agree that multiple strokes would explain SO much about Pinkie’s mannerisms)

Pinkie’s revelation was certainly jarring to hear.  “Wait? You said you got this sensation after the Gala?  You mean to tell me that Applejack has been harboring an infatuation with me for nearly two years?”

“Or longer.  I never know when a pony starts to have feelings for somepony else. She could have liked you from the moment she first saw you.  Tee-hee, that’s so awesome-rific!!!”

I grabbed Pinkie’s bandaged face and pulled her muzzle to muzzle and began speaking in a very serious monotone.  “Pinkie Pie, are you absolutely certain that your Pinkie Sense is accurate in this case?  Are there any other instances in which you have experienced the sensation you described?”

Pinkie giggled right into my mouth (tee-hee, mouth breather), and replied, “Of course silly! The first time I got the “crush twitch” was when Rainbow Dash was telling her cutie mark story to the Crusaders.  I got it as she was describing the time she defended Fluttershy’s honor against those bullies.  I pretty much get it anytime Dashie is in proximity to Fluttershy.  I go off the charts like WOO, WOO WOO.”

Pinkie released herself from my grasp in order to wave her arms up and down like the results of some sort of awry chart.  I was completely dumbfounded.  Slumping in my seat, I uttered, “Dear sweet Celestia, it MUST be true.  There can’t be any other explanation.”

Dash, meanwhile, was redder than Applejack when I crashed into her earlier in the day. Head slumped down, she muttered, “Is it that obvious?”

Pinkie and I turned to her and replied in matter-of-factly unison, “Yes.”  Dash floated to the ground and tried her very hardest to hide in plain sight.  She was being a regular Fluttershy at this point.

Just like that, Applejack’s unsettling behavior earlier in the day made complete sense.  Never before, had we touched in such a compromising position, so obviously, she must have been taken aback.  However, more than that, there were signs everywhere.  It was in the sweet way that she treated and talked to me that she did to nopony else.  Oh sure, she was always  kind and considerate to everypony, but it occurred to me that she treated me as somewhat special above anypony else.  I can remember when that brutish Trixie came rampaging through town with her alicorn amulet.  She zapped a hideous ensemble onto my body that left me reasonably distraught and horrified.  I wasn’t able to stand on my own legs, but Applejack carried me out of the carnage; Applejack draped me in black cloth to shield my fashion deformity from public eye; and Applejack stayed by my side afterward to console me and let me know that everything would be okay.

It was at that point, that I was reminded of what she once said to me on the outskirts of the Crystal Empire...

“Good things are better when they’re a Rarity.”

At the time, I thought it was a rather corny, albeit, endearingly corny pun.  Looking back on it now, the question comes to mind: could that have been Applejack trying to flirt with me?  Obviously, that’s a tad bit of a stretch, but thanks to Pinkie’s enlightening exposé, any of our interaction over the history of our friendship could be interpreted as Applejack’s feelings trying to expose themselves.  Could it be perhaps that my own dormant feelings were trying to let their way out as well?

That didn’t matter, frankly, because it was then that I knew what I had to do.  I had to give Applejack a chance.  If Rainbow Dash could do it then so could I.  Applejack had been sheltering these feelings for far too long, and it was time that they were set free.  This had nothing to do with my dreams, or me for that matter, this was about a lovely and charmingly rustic pony who deserved happiness, and if it that meant making her my special somepony, then so be it.  I dare say, it was my moral duty to do so.  I would do it not for my own needs, but for Applejack.  For Equestria!

“Um, Rarity, are you still talking to us or did you think you were alone?”

I turned to Rainbow Dash, who stared back with a quizzical look, while Pinkie was continuing her waving.

“I could have sworn that I was just thinking...um, what exactly did I say?”

“Something about how it was your “moral duty” or whatever to make AJ your special somepony.  If I had to guess, it probably sounded better in your head.”

I blushed (of course), but ultimately decided to move past my faux pas and focus on my new task at hand.  I made my way for the door, before being stopped at the doorway by Rainbow Dash.

“So what’s the plan, are you just going to go right up to her and ask her out?”

“That’s the traditional way, yes.”

“Rarity, you can’t do that.  You know AJ, she’ll probably dash off and try and hide in a cave somewhere.”

Just where was she getting at?  “Well then, enlighten me. How did you ask her to be your special somepony?”

“It was kinda a mutual deal....oh yeah, plus she was crazy high on hemlock.”

“Hemlock?”

“Yeah, you know, the insanity plant: the one that gets ponies really high.  You can smoke it, eat it, stick it up your-”

“I know what hemlock is, Rainbow Dash.” (However, I did not know that you could stick hemlock up anywhere.  I have no intention of investigating this for myself) “Are you honestly suggesting that I start a relationship doped out of our gourds?”

“All I know is, that’s the only way you can loosen AJ’s inhibitions about intimate stuff.  When we were dating, she would need to chug at least half a gallon of cider before she could get comfortable enough to let me go to town and...”

I didn’t reply.  I just stared with wide eyes.

Rainbow blushed and rubbed the back of her neck.  “Uh, but that’s not important.  All I know is that when she’s stone cold sober, AJ is an emotional fortress.”

After pondering for a moment, I was bestowed by the powers that be with an ingenious idea.  “Well then, Rainbow Dash, if I can’t go to Applejack, I’ll just have to have Applejack come to me.”

Then came the return of Rainbow’s quizzical look.  “Say huh?”

“You see, darling, before I arrived at Sugarcube Corner, I had a run-in with Applejack, and to make a long story short, I ended up lying on top of her.  Like you said, she froze up mentally and ran off.  Now suppose somepony kept pushing at that barrier that Applejack has.  At some point, the barrier would have to break.  Therefore, if I get flirtier and more comfortable around Applejack, she’ll have no choice but to get more comfortable around me.  She will then have the confidence to ask me out herself.”

Rainbow snorted.  “Pu-lease.  That would never work, Rares.  You  would honestly have better luck trying to ask AJ out when she’s sober.”

Since it was most uncouth to snort, I merely scoffed.  “Well, I guess I’ll take your word for it.  After all, you are the master of asking somepony out.  Like when you went to Fluttershy and, OH WAIT.”

Rainbow narrowed her eyebrows.  “Your sarcasm always has me in stitches.”

“I’m just how you would say “calling it” like I’m “seeing it”.”

“Whatever.  The point is, you could never get Applejack to ask you out herself.”

“And I’m saying I could.” It was then that my brain (in its infinite wisdom) gave me a stupendous idea.  “In fact, I would be willing to bet on it.”

Rainbow perked up her ears.  If any of my friends was blessed with the persona of the gambling type, it was her.  “What are the terms?”

“I propose to you, Rainbow Dash, that I can break Applejack’s emotional barriers and get her to ask me out on a date in as little as two weeks from today.  However, if I cannot procure a date of her request in a fortnight, then I will (1)-ask her out your way, by getting her inebriated on hemlock and (2)-cover your costs for your personal stash of hemlock for six months.”

“Hay yeah! It’s a deal!”

“Hold on now, let me finish.  If, however, I do indeed get her to ask me out two weeks from today, then you must ask Fluttershy out on a date, and, you must do it by serenading her with a sonnet.”

Rainbow contemplated long and hard.  I was worried she wouldn’t agree to uphold her end of the bargain.  Thankfully, she looked back at me and replied, “Deal.”

Obviously she did not know what “serenading with a sonnet” meant.

“Alright then, Rares, let’s shake on it.”  Rainbow spit on her hoof and offered it to me.

“Buck you, I’m not touching your spit.”  (Rude language, yes, but she left me no choice.)

“Well excuuuuuse me, Princess.  Fine, we’ll just have Twilight write up a contract later.  She can also tell me what a “lemonade with a sonnet” or whatever is.”

I swore on my life that I would NOT lose this bet.