Relatively Safe Liaisons

Rainbow Dash and I trotted to the library to have Twilight draft a contract in order to solidify our wager.  I, of course, found the idea of the necessity of something so official to be ludicrous, but Dash was insistent.  So I played along.  If I could get Rainbow to serenade Fluttershy in two weeks, it would be worth it.  My head was positively spinning! After such an eventful and enlightening morning, I couldn’t wait to get started on my plot (no, not that one).

Although, while my head was mainly spinning from the excitement of the prospects of a new relationship, it also had to do with the...well, bizarre new information I had to process.  I frankly just didn’t predict that one morning, I would go from having nasty dreams about one of my friends to being prepared to start a relationship with her.  Beyond that:

I would have never predicted that Applejack was into mares. I know that she’s an incredibly rustic, rough and’ tumbling cowpony, but SURPRISE SURPRISE: I am not the type who applies such stereotypes to a pony’s persuasion.

As Rainbow and I got closer to the library, I decided to ask about what was running through my mind.

“AJ? Yeah, she’s always been into mares. Apparently, she realized it when she was just a blank flank.”

You can just go ahead and add that to the list of things I did not expect to hear.

“My word.  Was her family outraged?”

“That’s mighty presumptuous, Ms. Rarity.”

Rainbow and I turned to see none other than Big Macintosh.

Son of a......

Rainbow was rubbing her neck, I was just stammering, and both of us were shying away sheepishly.  For the first time in my life, I saw Big Mac offer a facial expression something other than his usual stoicism.  He raised an eyebrow in suspicion.

With yours truly continuing her stammering, Rainbow finally managed to say something.  “Erm...hey, Big Macintosh.  We weren’t just talking about Applejack being a fillyfooler.”

Hey Rainbow Dash, if you ever read this, I just want you to know that you are, and always shall be, the most incompetent moron I have ever been associated with.  Brava, really, brava.

If you haven’t guessed by now, the running theme of this particular passage is “things I could not have foreseen”.  In keeping with that, I was astonished to hear Big Mac’s response.

“Well, that’s mighty hurtful language yer usin’, RD.” He replied with a slight grimace.

Remember when I said literally 200 words ago that I was not the type of pony who believes in various stereotypes?  Well, I’m going to have to contradict myself.  I’m sure a good number of you out there saw the close-knit farmer familial lifestyle of the Apples and assumed them to be of a more conservative nature.  I mean, it’s a natural assumption, right?  RIGHT?

Regardless, although I was surprised by Big Mac’s response, it was a pleasant surprise.

“Why, Big Macintosh, it’s nice to see somepony like you detested by such slurs.”

Big Mac gave a nod.  “Eeyup. T’aint mah place to be usin’ that kinda cussin.  Ah know Ah seem pretty simple to y’all, but just know that hate ain’t no Apple Family value.”

Rainbow started to get defensive.  “What the hay?  What does that make me?”

“Now, now, Rainbow Dash, calm down. I’m certain that those of your orientation have proprietary use of that word.”

“You’re darn right we....wait, we do? Aw sweet! I gotta tell AJ!”

Ahh, Rainbow Dash; can’t read sarcasm to save your life.  Never change, darling.

Anyway, Big Macintosh was able to get back to his original talking point...eventually.  If you haven’t noticed by now, I and my friends have a nasty habit of getting horribly off track in conversations.  It must be painful to read.  Ah well, you’re still here.  Moving on.

“Um, if it ain’t to pryin’ of me, may Ah ask why y’all’re talkin’ ‘bout what mah little sis does behind closed doors?”

Just like that, things took a turn for the awkward once again.  Something tells me that Big Macintosh wouldn’t appreciate the fact that Rainbow and I were making her sister a cog in our wager.  However, Rainbow, thinking on her hooves (for once), managed to cover up the truth with another truth.

“Oh, well you see, Big Mac:  Um, a few years ago, Applejack and I used to, kinda, um...mess around?”

Mac nodded.  “Eeyup, knew that.”

For once today, Rainbow got a taste of shock.  Palpitating, she stammered, “Huh, what, hum...”

“Aw, come on, RD, t’aint like you two hid it well.  Ah was findin’ blue feathers in the barn or in Applejack’s mane alot.  Not to mention the time I caught y’all making out in the Whitetail woods.”

Rainbow rubbed her neck and tried to make out a reply.  Meanwhile, I felt completely foolish.  I pride myself on being in the know on all the delicious gossip in Ponyville, and yet THAT slipped by me?

“What happened to you two, anyway? Things kina fizzle out?”

Rainbow managed to get past her embarrassment and reply, “Yeah, you could say that.  It doesn’t matter, I have...somepony else in mind.” Rainbow’s speech started to drift away into murmuring as she wandered off into her thoughts.  It was heartwarming due to how smitten she was by Fluttershy, but at the same time, unsettling because I had no idea to what dark corners her mind was wandering to.

Big Macintosh raised an eyebrow, but ultimately shook off Rainbow’s oddity.  “Aw well, that’s a shame. Applejack hasn’t found somepony else I’m afraid.”

In good time, Mac.  Oooh, in good time indeed......

Big Mac sighed, “Either way, good luck Rainbow Dash.  I’m sure whoever y’all got your sights on will be very happy.  Ladies.”  He turned into the opposite direction and we waved him goodbye.  As we started back on our path to the library, we were stopped again by Mac himself, who called out,

“Hey RD!”  Rainbow turned around midair to see Big Mac in the distance.  “Can you tell Fluttershy I said hey?”

Rainbow didn’t know how to respond.  She went back to stammering incoherently.  I grinned slyly and answered for her.

“Oh we certainly will, Big Macintosh.  Toodles.”  Seeming pleased, Big Mac grinned, turned around, and went about his merry way.  Once he was out of earshot, I looked to Rainbow Dash, whose countenance resembled a combination of trepidation and indignation.

“It would seem that Penelope has other fair suitors, ay Odysseus?”

“If that’s some kind of egghead crack, I don’t wanna hear it!”

“Would you care to call off this silly wager and just ask Fluttershy out and leave Applejack to my own devices?”

“Oh I see, trying to weasel out of our agreement, huh?  Hay no! Fluttershy can wait! I am not backing out of six months of free hemlock! C’mon, let’s get to Twilight’s!”

Rainbow (literally) dashed off to the library; I, elegantly trotting behind.

________________________________________________________________

Rainbow and I decided against getting into the details with Twilight.  I opted to simply write out the contract myself.  As I did my task, Rainbow and Twilight were prattling on about their silly Daring Do fandom (they call themselves “Doers”)  I, with my superb multitasking, was able to recall what they said:

“So Rainbow, do you want a copy of this month’s FanFic magazine?”

“Ugh, I’m so sick of that thing.  The stories are terrible.”

“Look I know it can get a little saturated with 2nd-pony stories with Daring, but...”

“Not those, I don’t mind those.  It’s just a lot of these writers who I really liked betrayed me!”

“Betrayed you?”

“Yes! Betrayed me!”

“Tell me, how does a fanfic writer betray you?”

Rainbow took the magazine and began to browse through until she found the passage she was looking for.  “Look at that, “Like Glue” by Souldin.”

“I thought you really liked that one.”

“Yeah, I DID, but then he jumped the carp with the ending.”

“Shark.”

“Not hungry.  The ending was really bad!”

Twilight facehooved on that “not hungry” quip before sighing and replying, “What’s wrong with it?”

“Isn’t it obvious?  Daring and Zathura don’t get together in the end!”

There was a brief silence. Twilight then snickered as she retorted, “Seriously? That’s your issue?”

“Hay yeah it is! Souldin was building up Zathura’s love for Daring the whole time, and then he just ends it with them being friends!”

“Um, Earth to Rainbow: “Like Glue” takes place between books.  It wouldn’t make sense for Souldin to write that they get together.”

“I don’t care! I want my DarThura!”

“And if my memory is correct, in entirety of the story, Souldin writes Daring as sexually and romantically oblivious, how in the world was he going to logically insert a romantic ending?”

“I want my DarThura!”

“Isn’t the journey more important than the destination, anyway?”

“DARTHURA!!!!!”

“You’re hopeless.”

Reading “Daring Do” may not have turned Rainbow Dash into an egghead, but she did turn into a mighty nerd.  Anyway, I finished writing the contract and handed it over to Rainbow to read over.  Twilight took a peep and raised her eyebrow.

“This?  This is what you guys are wagering over?”

“You bet!” Rainbow grabbed one of Twilight’s quills with her mouth and put her Smart Cookie on the dotted line.

“Oh come now Twilight, you’re not offended are you?” I took the quill and wrote my signature.

“Offended? No! I just think this is really stupid to bet over, not to mention risky.  Playing with Applejack’s feelings could have some serious consequences, Rarity.  You are getting into some really dangerous liaisons.”

“Twilight, there are two problems with that.  One: whatever happens over the next two weeks are not “liaisons” as Rainbow and I are not co-conspiring on what I have planned with Applejack.”

“Yeah, if anything, Twilight, I’m gonna try my hardest to stop whatever it is Rarity has planned.”

“Second: these machinations I have in store aren’t the least bit dangerous.  I mean, Pinkie told me herself that Applejack likes me, so however this plays out, the foregone conclusion is that I will give a relationship with her the old college try.”

THUD.

“You’re what.......”

The three of us turned to the doorway of the staircase to see Spike.  He had dropped the groceries he had purchased from the market.

All of us were rubbing our necks, and Twilight’s eyes widened as she stammered out, “Oh Spike, uh, um, you see.....”

Like.  A.  Bitch.