"Look, all I'm saying is that she's an immortal princess, and I am a Royal Guard that cannot possibly live for an eternity. Shit, I don't even know If I can pass 60 years!"

And all I-your conscience, is saying, is it was only a one night stand! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUTTA YO BRAIN!? A ONE. NIGHT. STAND! It's not like you were going to get married or some shit like that. If you can't lose your V card, than at least have the balls to get some head form that big jawed, tall legged, fine white whine yoga ass herself! I mean, GOSH!

"I apreciate that you're trying to get me laid, or at least get my rooster choked-"

Oh Celestia, that was a terrible joke.

"-But you gotta understand, I WANT TO HAVE SEX WHEN I AM MARRIED! IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND!? IS IT!?"

Uh, bro-

"I'LL LOOSEN MY JUNK WHEN I WAN'T TO!"

That's fine and dandy, but-

"NO, I AM TALKING, YOU LISTEN TO ME!"

FINE, IT AIN'T MY FAULT THEM FINE SIX COLORFUL PONIES ARE STARING AT YA! THUG LIFE, RIGHT!?!?!

"...What..."

And now, the cookie crumbles. This is why you should not be arguing with your conscience out loud. You snap out of your constant rambling, only to be coldly brought back right into reality, as you see the horrified faces of all the six ponies. Well, that rainbow-maned looking one is laughing her blue ass off, along with the pink one. The shy one fainted, most likely from the profanity you were spittin'. That cute cowpony's face is red, so she's trying to hide behind her hat. The purple one is pretty damn shocked, offended even. She looks a little pissed off, but her face is red, so she's embarrassed too. The marshmallow looking one's face is red....But she's smiling? Okay, she might possibly be a freak. You're just standing here, looking like a dumb ass, red faced, wide eyed and your right eye is twitching a bit. Possibly from anger, laughter, or some other reason.

So...yeah, go ahead and talk to them. Maybe you'll calm em' down. Probably. Possibly. Maybe. No. Hell no, you're fucked.

Still, you act chill, as if what you just said was nothing more than a simple conversation. You straighten your face, stopped twitching your right eye, and cooled down a bit. You raised your hoof up to your helmet, looked at all the mares, and coughed.

"Hm. Ladies."

Fuck yea, sounding cool like a boss. They stared at you in silence, eyes not even blinking. The rainbow and pink ones are still trying hard not to laugh, but the others are all red faced. It felt awkward that they kept staring at you, mostly in anger, a bit of disgust and whatever mares think of after a stallion says such dirty language. You started to feel uncomfortable, and could not keep the straight face for long, so you saluted them, nodded your head, and started to walk pass them.

'Just a little further more...and...'

You got this, don't worry, you got this! You're just a few feet behind them, just reach the corner of the hall way, and you can haul ass back to your crib!

'Just...a little...more...'

"Um...excuse me..."

FUCKING SHIT!

'FUCKING SHIT!'

You stop dead in your tracts, sighing and cursing silently. Turning around, you were surprised that the shy, yellow one was the first one to speak. Though you still had your sound whore ability, you couldn't hear what else this yellow pony said, or if she said anything at all.

"Y-yes?" You said, looking down at the mare. The more you looked at her, the more she started to hide behind her mane, and squeaked. It felt awkward, mostly because she didn't speak and you were just staring at her. Looking behind her, you noticed how all the mares, yet again, are looking at you. It;s embarrassing you a bit, huh?

"Do...you..."

You were looking back down at her, startled that she spoke. You didn't hear the last part of her sentence, so you asked her again.

"Excuse me Ms...what was it, Fluttershy? Yea, that's it. I'm sorry, but I couldn't hear you. Can you repeat what you said? Please?"

She squeaked again, probably paralyzed in shyness.. You sighed inwardly, making sure none of the mares heard you.

"What was that?"

"...Um...Do you..."

"Do I...?"

"K-know-"

"Keep going, You got this, come on."

"Where...where...where..."

"Oh for the love of- DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE PRINCESS IS?!"

The shy one jumped in fear, and you just looked up. The rainbow one, Rainbow Dash, was the one to shout, since she did look like the impatient type. You look back down at the shy pony, sighing. Fluttershy finally leaves from her fortress of solitude, her mane, and looks up at you. You look down at her, and noticed her red her face was getting. You know, it would be a reeeeaaaal dick move if you scared her.

"...Sup." You say, and she screams and runs back to her pack. Inside you were laughing, but outside you kept your poker face. You look at the pack again, and decided to tell them where the princess is. "The princess is in her royal chambers."

They all nodded, went into a little huddle, Pinkie Pie stuck her head out of the huddle just to wave at you, you waved back, and she went back into chatting with the other five. Finally, they broke from their huddle.

"Thanks for letting us know where she is. We'll go talk to her now." Twilight Sparkle said- Wait, they're going to see the princess? The fuck?

'Should...should I stop them.'

Sure, why not?

As they started to trot away, you cleared your throat. "Excuse me ladies, but the princess is a little busy at the moment. Is it cool with all if you if you could come back later?"

Twilight turned around to face you, and she had that 'Did something happen' face going on. "Is everything okay with the princess? Is she sick or something?"

Now is the moment of truth. The challenge of Honesty. The chance of realness! Go, smite them with your truth!

'Yeaaaaah... not gonna happen.'

"Uhh. Well, ya see, what had happen was...She sick. Like, damn, she is so sick! I mean, if you were to go in there, it would look like Ponylodeon hosted a foals choice awards in there. All green and stuff. Like, seriously, bad idea to go in there. You'll regret it. Trust me."

They gave you some questioning looks, and the cute cowpony one seemed to be glaring at you. She all up on yo grill, bro. Leave while ya can.

"Kay, so, I'm...going to go do Royal Guard stuff. So...Bye-!" You quickly turned around, trying to haul ass before they could ask some more- whoa, what's that!?

"What's wha- Oh shit, a rope!" Instantly, you were tangled. Now, your training in boot camp taught you how to escape from rope by just using your mouth, but, because you were surprised and screaming like a little filly, you were unable to do so.

'Well fuck you too, conscience.'

Love ya too, babe.

"Now hold on!" You were dragged onto the floor, than right into a circle of six colorful mares looking down at you. Applejack, yea that's right, your conscience remembers, looks like she means some serious business. "Ah can tell when somepony is lyin', and you, are lyin'!"

"Applejack. Chill." Said...What was it, Rainbow Dash?

"He knows somethin' that we don't. Go on, spill it, handsome!"

"One, thank you for the compliment, and two, that is the truth! She's sick I tells ya, sick!"

As you look into Applejack’s eyes, you can see that she really is trying her best to judge you. She’s trying to see if you are telling the truth, which you are not, and she looks like she is on the verge of figuring it out. Now, you have two options: Use that Royal Guard face you were taught in boot camp, or, come clean and tell these mares that the real reason you’re not telling the truth is because the princess tried to get you to get it in with her, which your conscience still doesn’t understand why you passed on such a perfect opportunity, and take the laughter and shame like a stallion.

Of course, you would rather much go with the former, right?

‘You’re damn straight I am.’

That’s what’s up. As Applejack and these other ponies stare deeply into your soul, you start to do that boring, unreadable poker face, eyes half closed and mouth looking like a straight line. You can tell it’s started to work, because Applejack is furrowing her brows and is squinting more than she already was. But even the royal boring poker face is not enough to hide behind from all these beautiful mares looking deeply at you.

‘Brain. Stop.’

Fine, fine. Still, you kept calm and stare on into all of their eyes. Occasionally, you would blink, breathe, and sniffle a bit, making the whole scene you are taking part of as just a regular conversation, even though you are tied up, on your back, and having six mares stare at you. Except that shy one, she would stare sometimes, but when you moved your bored pupils to her, she would look up or hide behind her long pink mane.

Then, you spoke. “So...How was your day?”

“Oh, I am so glad you asked! First, we were invited here into the castle by Princess Celestia, and then we met you, and then I hugged you and you somehow passed out! I mean, I know Earth pony’s are strong, but I didn’t know I was that strong! And then, when you woke up, the princess was on top of you trying to wake you or something, and you took us to our guest room where Rarity was getting all, “romancy” about you-”

“Pinkie!” You looked at the marshmallow colored pony, and you could see a strip of red on her nose and cheeks. Like those anime characters, you know? “Why would you say that out loud!?”

“What? Don’t you like him? Anyway, we were just about to go ask the princess about a question I completely forgot about, and then we found you, and then you tried to run away, and then we hogtied you, and we are currently holding you for questioning!”

Wow...She just summed up the day in less than 30 seconds. Nice, nice...

“Hey! Don’t change the subject here, bud!” You turn your pupils to the right, and met the magnetta eyes of a certain rainbow filly. “Applejack here can tell when somepony is lying, and even I can tell you’re lying!”

“How many times do I have to tell you six, I am not lying!”

“LIES!”

*SMACK*

You could feel your cheek hurting in such a pain, you were about to scream like a little filly again. But you still remained calm, and only stared back at the rainbow maned filly that smacked you.

“You know, you didn’t have to smack him Rainbow Dash.” Twilight Sparkle said, looking at you. “Why did you smack him, by the way?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged, “Meh, dramatic effect. Thought this would be more fun If I did smack him.” She said, looking down at you, sticking her tongue out.

“Now tell us the truth. What’s wrong with the princess!”

Well, the gig is up bro. Spill it.

“Fine..She’s-”

“Perfectly fine!” All the ponies look behind them. and you look in their direction, only to see the Princess Looking normal. Suspiciously normal.

“Princess!” announced all six ponies. The ran towards her and greeted her. Completely oblivious about you who was still tied up.

“Oh no, it’s cool, you all don’t have to untie me, I’ll just lay down here looking like I’m trying to be an upside-down turtle." You could have swore Celestia looked at you, with that lust in her eye. It was a very uncomfortable and awkward position for you to be in.

Ha! Sucks to be you!

'We're in this together, dumbass!'

Oh right, well... fuck us!

Author's Note

I know, I'm an ass for not updating for so freaking looooooooooong! And to make it worse, there is another part and I left it off on a cliffhanger! GOD, I'M AN ASS!

Good news, part two of the finale of the Laughing At My Pain saga is going to be finished tomorrow, and then we're back to the other tests! Fuck yea!

Side news: New story, one shot, check it out.

Have nice day!