This some bullshit! First, I have to wake his ass up every damn day, and now, this mothafucka goes on and gets knocked the fuck out! And by a mare! A PINK MARE! What kind of Royal Guard gets his ass choked out by a MARE! I'm done. I am done with his ass, I'm getting my ass the fuck outta his head. Getting knocked out and shit, WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT-

'You done with your little tantrum, brain?'

...Oh hi, how are you doing! You need a glass of water? Because like, I got like spring water and tap water-

'Brain.'

Though I also have Second Maid, True Moo Moo, Orange juice, Apple juice, I know you like that Grape Juice-

'Brain. Stop talking.'

Diet Cola, Mountain Pew, Root Cyder, all that good shit. I also have food, like penut butter and jelly-

'Brain!'

-And that's why P.W.A taught me to say, "FUCK THE POLICE!"

'Motha-CONSCIENCE!'

THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!

'I WANT YOU TO WAKE ME UP-hey, did you say, "I" instead of using that third-person shit?'

...So yea, waking you up isn't going to be that easy kid. For right now, you're staying as sleeping beauty until somepony wakes you up.

'For real? Damn, well, what do I do in the mean-'

Shh! Shut the fuck up. Do you hear that?

'Hear what? And why are you whispering like you're Batmane?'

Sounds like...Breathing? No, not breathing, more like, smooching.

'Is somepony performing that move when you breath into somepony's mouth? Because it sure does sound like-'

Uh-oh. You better get ready to wake up kid, something tells me sompony's not just saving your life.

'Wait, what do you- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuggghhh....'

And now, I'm alone again. Where the fuck did I put that Playcolt magazine?

"I think he's waking up!"

"Is he all right?"

"Princess, I think you can get off of him now."

"Uh...What happened?"

Oh what's up kid . Lets begin this awkward moment then, shall we? You open your eyes slowly, but you can't see to good because your vision is blurry and your helmet is covering your eyes. You shake the helmet off of your forehead, and your vision is no longer dark because of the helmet, but your vision is still a bit unbalanced.

"Is he going to be okay, Princess?"

You heard voices coming from both of your sides, and since you were on your back, you could see who the voices were. Well, you couldn't see their faces, but you can see the color of their coats, especially that pink blob that's hopping up and down.

"Uh...What? Where-"

"Shh...You'll be fine, my little guard."

You felt calm. You don't know why, but what this mare said soothed you, and you felt comfortable. Her chest was touching yours, and you could feel your heart racing as each second passed by. Her breath smelled sweet, like she ate some cake earlier, and the scent of it enters your nostrils as you smell her. Not a deep sniff, but enough to smell her. You could also feel your face grow red, and you could feel another sensation in your-

"Wait...Princess?"

"Yes?"

You widen your eyes, and they were no longer blurry. What you saw, is what you did not expect, and both of your faces were inches apart. Her mane was covering your surroundings, and you could see both of her eyes look deeply into yours. You felt your face went from red, to pale, then to red again when you noticed that she was dangerously close to sitting on your...uh...Disco stick?

"Um....Hi?" You say, trying your best to not move, since she is very close to sitting down.

"Hello~" Princess Celestia says, with her eyes half closed again. She moves in closer to your face. "How are you doing?"

"Oh, you know. Got back up from getting knocked out." You smile nervously, she smiled.

NOW KISS!!!

"Um...Princess? Shouldn't the guard guide us to our rooms?" You heard a voice, most likely that Twilight Sparkle, say. "Princess?"

You could see that her expression changed when Twilight spoke. She went from happy, to sad, and then to happy again. She then booped you softly on the nose and gets off of you.

"Next time." She turns towards her throne and sits back down, smiling.

She looks down at you, then to your right, then to your left, then back to you. Still shocked and confused, you get back on all of your fours, not breaking eye contact with the princess. She smiles at you again and points down at your front hooves. "Well don't just stand there with your armor off, its quite breezy in here!"

You snap back into focus, looking around at the ponies who were on both of your sides. One of them, the cowpony named Applejack, walked up to you, patting your shoulder. "Um, sugarcube, you might wanna put your armor back on, your making Rare over here blush."

"Lies!" You turn to your right, and noticed the white one called Rarity, blushing. "I'm just a bit...tired! The heat outside is unbearable!"

"But it's like, 69 degrees in here." You turn to your left, and noticed the blue, rainbow maned pegasus pony, Rainbow Dash, smirking. This made Rarity blush harder.

"Quiet you!"

Ignoring what was going on, you looked down at your chest, noticing that all but your golden horse shoes were taken off. You looked down to your lower left, then casually picked up your chest armor and slid right into it. You looked, for your helmet, then noticed that it rolled up right in front of...

"Looking for this?" You looked up at the princess as she had the golden helmet in her magical grasp."Come and get it~"

"Actually, your highness, I think I'll be fine without it." You say, feeling a suspicious. "It's fine, really."

Celestia sighed,"It's always the shy ones."

She throws back the helmet at you, and she lands the helmet right on your head, nothin' but net, kid, swish! "The guest rooms are in the right tower of the castle, if you get lost, my faithful student, Twilight, will show you the way."

You nod and then saluted her, turning around and heading towards the door. You hear hoofsteps follow you, and you begin trotting down the castle with one thing on your mind.

"Did...Did I just get molested...by Princess Celestia? Nah, it's probably nothin'." You rolled your eyes, following the guests behind them.

"So, what do you girls think about this new guard? He seems a bit...uneasy, at the moment." They do know they're talking out loud, right?

"He seems nice. Shy, but nice." Guess not, they're completely oblivious.

"At least he talks more than the guards here. Hay, he even has facial expressions! I mean, did you see how red he got when he woke up, and noticed the Princess on him? Priceless!" Yup, they're talking about you too, insult to injury.

"Be nice sugarcube, at least we know he can walk after tanglin' with th' princess. Ah remember when you were flyin' one day, then woke up in the hospital bed after crashing into the princess's-"

"We don't talk about that. Ever."

"Well I think that he needs to smile often!"

'Oh my Faust, it's like being the Octomare, they won't stop talking! They're not even whispering!"

Man it sucks to be you right about now, huh? Yes, they're pretty, but every good thing has its flaws, like, oh, your conscience doesn't know, like maybe SIX MOUTHS TALKING AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME!? Seriously, it's like working as a kindergarten teacher, trying your best to quiet down those little-

'Okay, okay! I get it, they won't stop talking! I can't take their nonstop chatter, but I'm going to tell you what my dad would say when I wanted to get a new toy every time I passed by the toy store, and he would say no.'

And? What did he say?

'Fucking deal with it.'

Hmmm...Wise words, wise words. Anyway, while you and your conscience-

'Use, "I" this time'

Shut up, I'm talk-Damn it! Well, what I was going... DAMN IT I DID IT AGAIN-FUCK!

'Ha, it's funny hearing you rage. So, what was that about about after you and I were arguing?'

*Siiiggghhhh* While you and your conscience were arguing, one of the mares happened to trot next to you, and starting talking nonstop.

Really? Who?

Your conscience doesn't know either. Check for yourself.

You break out your little avatar state, hearing the noise that you couldn't hear before. You could hear multiple hoofsteps, the echo effect of so much chatter, and especially somepony talking as if she was right next to your ear. Wait...

You don't move your neck, but your eyes quickly shifted to the left, then back to the hallway again, not wanting to hit a pole or some crazy bullshit like that. So, who was it?

'The pink one, Pinkie Pie. I didn't catch much of what she was saying, because I kind of tuned her out.'

Hmm...Punch her in the throat, see if that'll work.

'The fuck is wrong with you?'

What, you thought-Kid, it was a damn reference to-You know what, never mind. Just...Talk to her back. We only have two more hallways to turn until we're at the guest rooms. Wait, weren't you in the front, not the back?

'Well, I was always in the back, why...Oh, you dirty bastard.

What? You know you want one of those, fine pieces of flank. That white one might be a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed, I say YEA, Yea, yea...

It's a song, kid, remember? Whatever, just keep your eyes on the flanks.

'You mean the up coming first turn, leading to their rooms, right?'

Yea whatever. By the way, if you were paying attention, you would notice that pink one on top of your head, looking at you eye to eye.

'What are you-Oh shit!'

Your eyes widened, staring into blue, ocean colored eyes that were wide as well. You could see a pink hair, letting you know that this was Pinkie Pie. She smelled of sweet treats, especially cotton candy for some strange reason. You didn't stop walking, and after a few seconds, you revert your surprise look to that special, awesome move every royal guard it taught to do.

You leave your eyes half open. Man, you're boring when you do this.

"So, how'd you like my story?" Pinkie Pie said in a happy, upbeat tone. You suddenly remember that she was talking, and since you were in a boring mood, you just blinked.

"...I think he likes it!" Pinkie said, looking up front to her friends. When she moved for a quick moment, you saw all the faces of the ponies up front looking at you, and when they saw your face, they all turned back around.

"So, do you have a name?" Pinkie said, looking into your eyes again. You nod. "Can you tell me what it is?" You shake your head from side to side, not feeling like you want to reveal your name to somepony you don't know. She then looked a bit sad, and she started to use the weapon you are vulnerable to.

'Fucking puppy dog eyes!'

"Please?" Oh no. The quivering lip, THE QUIVERING LIP! CAN'T...HANDLE...THIS!...MUST...REMEMBER...TO BUY...MILK!

"...Fine." You said, sighing in annoyance. Her sad attitude vanished, and her smile grew wider than before. You closed your eyes for a second and took a deep breath. Fuck, how long are these halls?

"My name is-"

"Girls! We made it!"

Almost instinctively, Pinkie Pie hopped off of your head and landed right between her friends. You were a bit annoyed that you were interrupted before you could say your name, but you didn't care a moment after. You hear the door creak open, and you could see that the six ponies were walking in already. Screw it, just for the buck of it you walked in, just to see six beds, T.V, and a whole bunch of girly stuff. Still, it was pretty big for a guest room. You took one final look, and then you walked out of the room, not saying a word.

"Um...Excuse me?"

You stopped just outside the door frame, sighing. You turn around, looking down at the yellow mare who appeared to be shivering in nervousness, hiding behind her long pink mane. You nod. "Yes?"

"Um...I just wanted to let you know...that...we thank you for guiding us to the guest room..."

You look up from the quiet mare, "Fluttershy" as you remembered it, and noticed that all the other ponies were smiling at you. You couldn't help but to just smile back. You look back down at Fluttershy. "Don't worry about it, if you need any more help, just let me know, Fluttershy."

"Eep!...*squee*"

"..."

...

Well, with that, you nodded and closed the door, walking away from the awkward silence. You started walking in daydream, not paying attention to anything around you.

"Well, I got nothing else to do, so....Sattlefield 3, conscience?"

...Meh, sure, why not. We should go check-

"NO. Lets...just go."

Well, okay then. You walked away from the halls you left making your way towards your room.

*CLICK*

"That went well. You were right Rainbow Dash, he talks more often, rather then the other guards."

"Told you Rare. The weird thing is, he didn't have an expression this time...Rarity, you should've wore socks."

_____________________

So, who would "you", the guard, like to meet first? please, don't go for Pinkie, I already got the meet up set with her later on :)

Author's Note

I published this chapter without him knowing. Ha! Also, would you prefer the term "fuck" over "buck?" Or leave it as is? ~Asian

Here it is. the FINISHED chapter of Laughing at Your Pain. Enjoy!-Gordo