The Most Deplorable Attraction in the History of the Multiverse*

After Ian and Twilight had ransacked Fluttershy’s house for whatever supplies they could find, the two set out for the Everfree Forest. Twilight had entered this forest dozens of times to visit Zecora and over time it had lost much of its spooky vibe; however, that’s not to say she’d care to spend a Sunday reading a book or taking a nap here.

But something had changed about the Everfree Forest: it had become more ominous than ever. The trees loomed over Twilight, almost as if they were watching her, waiting for her. The wind that blew through the woods whispered death in her ears. Every gust of wind made the trees creak and moan as if they were shouting at her to leave.

Twilight also couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched. A thousand invisible eyes were fixed on her and she swore that, when she turned away, she could see them. Maybe the Wabberjack was watching her from the trees, waiting for her to fall behind Ian. When that thought entered her mind, she pressed ever closer to his side. She hated to admit it, but Ian was probably her best hope for survival at the moment.

“You seem nervous,” teased Ian. He still wasn’t happy that she was tagging along.

“Me? No, I’m fine,” Twilight nervously answered. Wind moaned through the trees and sent chills down her spine. In a hushed voice she started to sing, “So giggle at the ghostly, guffaw at the grossly, crack up at the creepy, whoop it up with the weepy-”

A stick snapped beneath Ian’s foot and Twilight yelped in fright. “If this is you fine, I don’t want to see you scared.”

He waited for her retort, but she was too nervous to say anything. Ian couldn’t stand the awkward silence; he needed to cheer her up, but how? Then he remembered a song he used to listen to when he was younger. At first, he could only remember a few words, but then he heard the drums, the guitar, and the glorious bass! “Welcome to the jungle,” he sang as best he could, “we’ve got fun ‘n games, we got everything you want, honey we know the names!”

Ian gesticulated the rest, making it as over the top as possible. “We are the people who can find whatever you may need. If you got the money honey we got your disease! In the jungle,” he turned to Twilight, “welcome to the jungle watch it bring you to your- shananananananana knees, knees!”

His ridiculous moves and terrible vocals sent Twilight into a giggle fit. “How does the rest go?” she jubilantly asked.

“Eh, it’s been years since I’ve heard that song. We’re lucky I remember that much.”

“It’s catchy.” Twilight didn’t notice it, but Ian was grinning. “It sounds like one crazy jungle.”

“It’s the iron jungle. Probably New York City but I don’t remember. Guy meets girl, guy hits on girl, guy sleeps with girl.”

“You’ve got to be joking,” she said in disbelief, “sex?”

“Nope. It was like an unspoken law that every rock back needed at least one song about sex. KISS had Love Gun, AC/DC had You Shook Me All Night Long, Foreigner had Hot Blooded-”

“It sounds like a very,” she paused to find a pleasant word, “interesting style.”

“Oh it was the best,” he said nostalgically. “Nothing got my blood moving like a good rock song.”

“Well to each his own I guess.”

“Yeah,” he paused, amazed he could remember that much. “Damn that’s incredible,” he muttered.

“What?”

Ian looked down at Twilight and smiled. “I haven’t heard those bands in over eight hundred years but I can still hear the instruments.”

“The mind sure is a….h-hold on,” she stammered wide-eyed, “did you say eight hundred years?” Her jaw had dropped. “Sedatives don’t affect you, you survive crashing head-first into a tree, your bruises heal instantly, and now you’re telling me you’ve been alive for over eight hundred years?”

“I lost count after nine hundred.” Ian had stopped caring about his age after two hundred, but he still loved the Locals’ reactions whenever he told them.

Twilight stopped, dumbfounded. “I can see why Lyra wants to be a human.”

“I’m not a human,” Ian said casually, “not anymore at least.”

Twilight jumped in front of him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

After a pause, Ian shook his head. “You wouldn’t believe me.” He tried to step around her but Twilight refused to let him pass.

“Tell me anyway,” Twilight demanded. She pursed her lips into a pout and made the biggest puppy dog eyes she could manage. “Please,” she whimpered. It was the most adorable thing Ian had ever seen.

After a long drawn out groan, Ian finally surrendered. “Oh alright fine just put the eyes away.” He pondered how to make it sound as plausible as possible, but he was struggling. “What if I told you your universe wasn’t the only one?”

“Do you mean like the multiverse theory?”

“Yes.” He was surprised she knew about it. “Most people believe that every universe is isolated from the others-”

“Except for parallel universes,” Twilight corrected.

“What people don’t know is that it is possible to cross between universes, parallel or not. Each universe is connected by one massive hub world, and from here you can travel anywhere.” Ian was unsure how to word the next part without sounding ludicrous. “Are you religious Twilight?”

“Why? Are you saying you’re an angel?” She meant it as a joke.

“That’s what we call ourselves, yes. And the Wabberjack- we call it a Demon.”

Twilight’s expression remained unchanged. “I have another question: Did it hurt?”

“Did what hurt?”

Twilight pushed up close to Ian and batted her eyelashes. In a surprisingly seductive voice, she asked, “When you fell from Heaven?”

“You don’t believe me, do you?”

She turned and walked away, flicking him with her tail. “Not even a little.” If Ian had said he was an alien, Twilight would have believed him; she didn’t deny the existence of extra-terrestrials, but something as far-fetched as a divine being was too much for her to accept.

Ian figured Twilight would be useless in a fight, but at least she was good company. “Should I bother asking why you crashed into my house,” she called back to him.

“Because Mark’s a stupid asshole!” He raised his middle fingers to the storm clouds above him and shouted, “I hope you’re watching this you jag!”

“You are really weird,” she said with a smirk.

“Good weird or bad weird?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Well,” he said proudly, “thanks to my weirdness, you’ve stopped eyeballing the trees.”

Twilight halted. She was amazed how easily she had forgotten about the forest. The trees seemed just as ominous as before, but they didn’t bother her now. The howling wind had become nothing more than a minor annoyance. The piercing stares of the invisible eyes were gone and even the Wabberjack felt miles away. She felt safe.

The pair walked on through the forest, talking almost constantly. Even though Twilight didn’t believe it, she listened eagerly as Ian regaled her with the tale of Mark, who had supposedly gotten drunk and launched Ian into Equestria seven miles above ground. Twilight wasn’t the type to believe something simply because someone said it. Her inquisitive nature refused to accept the mind-boggling things he described without proof, but she loved hearing him talk.

When Ian grew tired of talking about himself (which took a while), Twilight told him about Equestria. He never interrupted her, but he always asked her questions when she had finished. The subject matter wasn’t the most fascinating thing he’d ever heard, but it was interesting, and Twilight was enjoying the opportunity to flaunt her knowledge. The stories that did grip him, however, were the ones about Twilight herself; it was a fun way to learn about her.

Before they knew it, the moon had risen, bathing the Everfree Forest in a blue tint. The temperature had also dropped considerably, but neither Twilight nor Ian seemed to mind.

“I’m sure she’s a perfectly lovely mare,” Ian said to the giggling unicorn. “And she has the voice of an angel, but all I’m saying is that it wouldn’t hurt if she got out of the castle more often.”

“I’m going to tell her you said that,” she laughed. Ian could never get over hearing her laugh; it was the perfect mixture of poise and cuteness. It was music to his ears.

“Would you mind waiting until I’m gone?” he asked politely. “I’d really like not to die again.”

Twilight rolled her eyes when he said ‘again,’ but she couldn’t stop smiling.“She wouldn’t kill you-”

“Are you kidding?” Ian said incredulously. “When I called her thunder-thighs, I thought she was going to light me on fire!”

“Then it’s a good thing I was there.”

Ian nodded and stuck out his chin while furrowing his brow, pretending to be in deep thought. “For future reference, maybe I should try not to piss off the people in charge.”

“I think that’s a brilliant idea,” she said sarcastically.

“Of course it is. I thought of it.”

Twilight purposefully shoved Ian to the side with her shoulder. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

Lightning flashed in the distance and the ground quaked with force. “I think it might rain soon.” As if cued by Ian’s words, water poured down, drenching everything.

“You just had to say something,” she said deadpan.

“Speak of the devil, right?” He stuck his tongue out to taste the rain. It may very well have been the best water he had ever tasted.

Twilight shook her dripping wet bangs out of her eyes. “Let’s find someplace dry before we get sick.”

The mare closed her eyes and concentrated on her spell. Her horn glistened pink as her magic charged up. When her horn radiated a blinding pink light, a pulse of magical energy burst from her body, spreading in all directions. It phased through Ian and the trees and disappeared into the forest. After a few seconds of silence, save for the rain, the pulse came rushing back, smashing into Twilight with a violent rumble.

Twilight opened her eyes and ran past Ian, who was still trying to recover. He would have asked what the hell just happened, but he couldn’t hear a damn thing. Even his thoughts sounded muffled. Furthermore, there was large pink smudge everywhere he looked, as if he had been staring at a light bulb for too long.

Ian’s eyes recovered just in time to see Twilight leap over a bush, and he immediately gave chase. He leapt over the bush with such ease that he was able to grab a tree branch and swing through the air, landing onto a nearby branch. The trees here had few leaves on them, so he had a clear path to follow.

Twilight peered over her shoulder to check that Ian was still with her, but she couldn’t spot him. She skidded to a halt and frantically turned about hoping to find him. Panic began to eat away at her until a twig hit her in the back of the head.

“Trying to lose me are you,” Ian called, leaning against a tree branch, trying to look cool. He really hoped the branch under him could hold his weight or he’d look like an idiot.

“There’s a cave nearby,” Twilight shouted above the storm. “Want to race?”

“It’ll be embarrassing.”

“For you,” she taunted and sped off.

The unicorn was certainly quick, but so was Ian. He effortlessly flew from one branch to the next, never taking his eye off of Twilight, yet constantly looking for the next thing to grab. Unfortunately, Ian still managed to misjudge the strength of a branch, which snapped, sending him directly into a very thick tree trunk.

Ian was then greeted by a very friendly patch of mud which cushioned his fall. Twilight washed the mud off by dropping a large ball of rainwater onto him.

“What was that about embarrassment?” Twilight teased as she ran circles around him.

Before Ian had gotten to his feet, Twilight was already running off. He shot into a full-blown sprint and caught up with her again. Neither one showed any signs of tiring, but Ian felt like he was going to pass out.

The cave was a welcome sight to Ian, but he couldn’t slack off now. There was no way he’d let himself lose to a Local. At the last moment, he lurched forward and collapsed on the cave floor wheezing. They had tied.

Twilight shook her body, flinging water all over Ian. He would have said something about it, but he was too tired to care.

“What’s wrong Ian? Tired?” Twilight stepped over him and dropped her saddlebag by his head. “Are you hungry?”

“Is there a cheeseburger in there?” Ian panted.

“Sorry,” she said as she dug through the bag. “We have oats, carrots, broccoli-”

“Meatball sub?”

Twilight levitated a red apple to her mouth and bit in with loud, satisfying crunch. “Would an apple do?”

Ian waved it away in disgust. He found the little things revolting. Twilight floated an apple under his nose to tempt him. “Are you sure? The Apple family makes delicious apples.”

“I don’t need to eat.” He followed the apple as Twilight dangled it above his eyes. His stomach growled ravenously at the sight of food.

“You want to eat the apple,” she said hypnotically. “You need the apple!”

Ian snatched the apple and bit in. His eyes lit up as the sweet juices hit his tongue. “I hate apples, but this is freaking amazing.”

“I told you,” she said proudly. “There’s more if you like.”

“Maybe you were right to come along,” he admitted after they were done eating. “I don’t know how you knew this cave was here. Nice job.”

“Thanks. It’s similar to the echolocation bats use.” She rubbed her arms together. “Except I used magic instead of sound waves.”

“Pretty clever.”

“Of course it is. I thought of it.” Her breath condensed in the air. “Is it me,” she shivered, “or is it getting colder?”

“I can’t feel my arms,” Ian answered casually. He was hoping the way he said it would make Twilight laugh, or at the very least smile.

“How are you so relaxed about that? Aren’t you freezing?” Twilight shuddered and rubbed her arms again. “I know I am.”

“Once you’ve been buried in the snow for three days, the rain isn’t that bad.” He figured he’d try another joke. “Or maybe I have hypothermia,” he added, mentally kicking himself for how unfunny it sounded.

She stared longingly at the sopping wet trees outside and rubbed her shoulder. “If it weren’t for this darn rain we could make a fire.”

“If it weren’t for this darn rain we wouldn’t be freezing,” he languidly pointed out. He closed his eyes and started to doze off.

She ran her options through her head, but the cold was making it hard to think clearly. “If we huddle together, we might be able to stay warm.”

Ian rolled onto his side and held up his arm. Twilight moved the saddlebag out the way and laid down next to him. The instant her back touched his frigid clothes, she yelped in shock. “Sweet Celestia Ian, your shirt’s as cold as ice!”
With a yawn, Ian pulled the shirt up over his head and tossed it to the side. He shuddered as the chilling air stabbed into him. It certainly wasn’t as bad as the snow, but it was damn close. Ian could feel the cold down in his bones, but with Twilight pressed against him, it was more bearable.

“Do you want to know why I don’t believe you?” Twilight asked.

“I’m dying to know,” he said, half asleep. Despite the way he said it, he really did want to know.

“If you found Heaven,” she lifted her head to look at him, “why aren’t you there?”

Ian let out a heavy yawn and smacked his lips together. “Assuming we don’t freeze to death, I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

Twilight might have said something after that, but Ian had already fallen asleep.

Every dream Ian had was the same. Each night, he would open his eyes and see nothing but darkness. There was no sound, touch or smell, only an infinite universe of nothingness. It was impossible for him to move or think, but he could still comprehend what was around him (or what wasn’t).

The night in the cave was no different for Ian, except tonight the groan of a tree blowing over woke him up. The rain had subsided a bit and echoed through the cave like a theater of applause. The wind sang to him as the timpani rumbled along. He could almost picture himself watching a symphony in a massive theater.

He breathed in deep through his nostrils and smiled. The fresh scent of rain was always soothing to him, even with the faint stench of hydrochloric acid; but there was something else in the air here: the musty odor of old books.
Ian opened his eyes and looked at the sleeping unicorn under his arm. He inhaled again and, sure enough, Twilight smelled like an ancient book. There was nothing else he could compare the scent with other than books. It was unique, like the smell of rain. It was special.

Twilight shuddered in her sleep and nuzzled her muzzle against his other arm, which she was currently using as a pillow. With every breath he felt a rush of warmth on his arm followed by a chilling cold. The sensation was slightly distracting, but it didn’t bother Ian too badly. In fact, it was rather nice.

The mare shuddered again and moved her legs closer to her stomach. Ian pondered why she did this and concluded that Twilight’s legs were cold and her stomach was warm, her stomach was cold and her legs were warm, or both were cold. He repositioned himself so his arm covered her belly and his hand could go between her front legs. Her legs were quite warm, but he couldn’t bring himself to remove his hand. Without realizing it, he gently ran his hand up and down her leg, admiring the warmth.

A peculiar feeling began to stir inside Ian. His body was freezing, but he still felt warm. It was as if there was something in his chest, and it was slowly spreading throughout him. Ian felt something tickling him on the inside, and his heartbeat began to quicken. Whatever this feeling was, he liked it.

He took in another heavenly whiff of rain and books and slowly exhaled. The Wabberjack was gone from his mind; all Ian could do was admire the things around him. He thanked the Everfree Forest for starting a conversation between him and Twilight, he thanked the storm for bringing them to this cave, and he thanked the cold for bringing them closer together.

Ian’s eyes shot open with that last thought. A new feeling began brewing inside of him, blocking out all of the pleasurable sensations. His gut felt like it was being ripped away from him, but it wasn’t being torn out, it was being torn in. A void was expanding inside him and he could feel its horrifying emptiness.

Something was wrong with him, but what was it? Angels didn’t catch diseases, so he immediately ruled out that possibility. He knew he wasn’t under attack because he couldn’t smell anything other than rain, books, and the hint of hydrochloric acid. There was something fundamentally wrong about him but he couldn’t figure it out! He felt helpless and began to panic.

A sudden realization dawned on him: HE WAS SPOONING A PONY!

Ian immediately yanked his arm out from under Twilight and threw himself against the wall, ready to vomit. The powerful emptiness had almost entirely consumed him, but he could still feel the pain. He could hear nothing but the thunderous pounding of his heart, which felt like it was about to burst out of his ribcage. Every bone in his body felt like it was about to rip out of him and run away in disgust.

His brain screamed at him to run as fast as he possibly could, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. Ian’s thoughts had become incomprehensible. Every thought spawned a thousand images, and every image spawned a thousand thoughts.

There was nothing Ian could do but stare at Twilight. She was hideous…she was beautiful…

He missed the darkness.