The Most Deplorable Attraction in the History of the Multiverse*

Spike sprinted after the others as fast as his little legs could carry him. “Wait up you guys,” he panted, but Twilight and the others didn’t seem to hear. He finally had to stop and catch his breath. “Don’t mind….me,” he said to no one in between long, drawn-out breaths, “just a baby…dragon here.”

“Did you see it Bon Bon?” squealed an exhilarated Lyra. “Did you see it?” Spike looked over to a nearby dining table to see Lyra Heartstring holding Bon Bon in the air like a ragdoll. Her eyes and smile had grown so large that it was hard to see anything else on her face. Bon Bon’s face, however, was simply scrunched into a look of annoyance and confusion.

“I didn’t see anything Lyra,” her friend said blandly.

“I’ve told you for years they were real, and when it finally shows up, you miss it! It had hands, and-and it ran on two legs, and-”

Lyra dropped Bon Bon and flipped their dining table, launching their food onto Spike’s face. She then stood on her hind legs and thrust her forelegs to the sky in triumph. “YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!”

“Are you done?” Bon Bon asked. Lyra tried to respond but she was too out of breath. Her chest heaved up and down frantically and a crazed look grew in her eyes. “You’re paying for that lasagna by the way. Sorry about that Spike.”

“It’s alright,” Spike said as he wiped the food from his face. He was about to run off after Twilight, but then a light bulb went off above his head. “I’m sorry to burst your bubble Lyra, but it’s just another one of Twilight’s spells.”

When he saw tears well up in Lyra’s eyes, Spike almost felt bad for lying to her. Her lower lip quivered and she fell backwards onto her rump, shoulders sagging in sadness. “But I bet I could convince Twilight to try it out on you-”

Spike had barely finished his sentence before Lyra had flung him onto her back. She reared into the air and, with newfound vigor, she exclaimed, “Hang on baybeh!” Before Spike could even place his claws around Lyra’s neck, she had already bolted down the street, leaving Bon Bon with the bill.

Lyra was galloping so fast that it was only by pure luck that Spike hadn’t fallen off. He half expected a rainbow to explode behind her. She sped right, almost smashing into the Cakes and their kids. Twilight and the others were long gone, but they had left a trail of confused ponies in their wake for Spike and Lyra to follow. Crowds had begun to form in the streets as ponies followed after Twilight and the Princess.

To avoid the mob, Lyra launched herself onto the rooftops, once again almost throwing off Spike. The gaps between buildings didn’t slow Lyra down; if anything, she gained speed. Spike’s eyes stung from the biting winds and he had no choice but to squeeze them shut and cling to Lyra for dear life. He fully regretted this plan.

Meanwhile, Ian, Twilight, and Princess Celestia had arrived at the base of the hill leading to Fluttershy’s house. The one conscious guard had been placed on crowd control, much to his chagrin.

“Fluttershy is the kindest and gentlest pony in Ponyville,” Twilight said to Ian, “but two days ago, something changed about her. She stopped talking, she stopped looking after her animals, and then she became downright mean.”

Ian scratched his chin. “Alright, we aren’t going to take any chances on this. Celestia, I want you at the ready in case things go south, but don’t make a move unless I say so. Twilight, when we open the…do you here something?”

“I can’t hear anyth-”

“Shhh, listen.”

At first, nothing could be heard other than rustling of leaves in the wind, but then they heard a voice. “Huuuuuuuuuuuuumaaaaaaaaaaaaannn!” it called.

Twilight squinted down the road and saw a blue pony racing towards them. “I think it’s Lyra. And there’s something on her back.”

“It looks like Spike,” added the Princess. Ian looked at their feet and, sure enough, the lizard was gone.

“Humaaaaaaaaaan!” Lyra shouted again.

“What’s a human?” asked Twilight. Before Ian could answer, Lyra teleported headfirst into Twilight sending Spike into the side of a tree. Ian picked up Spike and dusted him off.

“You alright?”

Spike groaned and stretched his neck. “You’re a pony now.”

“Huh?” Spike pointed to the unicorn pinning Twilight to the ground.

“Twi can you do me next? This is so cool!”

“What are you-”

“I was thinking I’d look good with long hair,” interrupted the hyperactive mare. “I mean it’s up to you, but I’m just saying-”

Celestia lifted her off of Twilight and placed her gingerly onto the ground. “Lyra this is a very bad time. We’re in the middle of something very important.”

“I can help!”

“We have the situation under control.”

“But-”

“Lyra,” the Princess said sternly, “I’ve had enough. You need to leave.” Her words cut into Lyra like a knife, and tears welled up in her eyes. The mare had come so close to achieving her dream, only to have it torn away from her.

Her ears drooped and her head sank in shame. “I’m sorry Princess.” Her voice was almost inaudible. “I’ll go.”

“Thank you.”

Twilight placed a hoof on Lyra’s shoulder for comfort. “Actually there is something you can do.” Lyra’s ears pricked up. “I need somepony to clean up the library for me. If you do that, I’ll be happy to discuss this later.”

“And I’ll tell you what it’s like having thumbs,” added Ian proudly. Lyra let out a loud squeal and dashed off to the library with a cloud of dust trailing behind her.

“Well that was random.” With those words, a vase smashed through a window of Fluttershy’s cottage, narrowly missing the Princess’s head.

“SHUT UP,” barked Fluttershy. Several birds frantically flew out the shattered window, squawking in panic.

“She’s gotten worse,” Twilight said, worry prevalent in her voice.

“When the door opens, we need to pin her down before she has a chance to run. Celestia, Spike, don’t do anything unless I say so.”

The four approached Fluttershy’s door. Fluttershy could be heard yelling at someone on the other side. “I’ve put up with your attitude for years,” she said, almost dementedly. “I’m through being your doormat you ugly little brat!” Something shattered from within the house.

Twilight took a deep breath and knocked on the door three times. “Fluttershy,” she called in a friendly tone. “It’s Twilight.” There was no response, so Twilight knocked again. “Spike’s with me too. Can we talk?”

The door swung out violently, smacking Ian directly in the face and breaking his nose. “WHAT,” hollered the pegasus as a white bunny rabbit scurried past her hooves to cower behind the Princess. Without a word, Twilight lifted Fluttershy into the air and held her to the floor. “LET ME GO,” she shrieked. A look of wild hatred was in her eyes.

Ian walked in and wiped the blood from his nose. The bleeding had already stopped, but it was still incredibly painful and he couldn’t smell a thing. “We’re here to help you Fluttershy,” said Twilight in an attempt to calm her friend. “You’re not well.”

“Why would I want your help? I hate you! You’re always mocking me about my insecurities but everypony’s supposed to drop whatever they’re doing when you have a problem! Oh boo hoo hoo, my life is over because I forgot to write a stupid letter to the Princess,” mocked Fluttershy.

Celestia tried to appease the pegasus. “Fluttershy please-”

“I wasn’t talking to you fatty! Why don’t you get off your fat flank and do your job instead of making us do it for you! And what’s a baby dragon going to do to help me? Wet himself and cry? Stalk Rarity? And you,” she barked at Ian, “...I don’t know you, but I’m sure you’re a jerk!” She paused to catch her breath.

“You’re probably right,” said Ian as he knelt down next to her. “I’ve been told I’m a raging asshole. And I know what it’s like having to put up with everyone else’s issues-”

“Don’t patronize me!”

“Trust me I can’t even count the number of times I’ve wanted to stab someone in the face for pissing me off. I keep meeting people who expect everyone around them to listen to them complain about their bad day. Then when you have a problem, they say you need to get over it.”

“Exactly!” Fluttershy was still incredibly angry, but her guard had lowered a bit.

“Fluttershy, would you mind closing you eyes for a moment? Just humor me.” The pegasus glared at Ian and reluctantly closed her eyes. “I want you to take a deep breath in, and slowly breathe out,” Ian said calmly. He nudged Twilight and pointed to two small fang marks on Fluttershy’s neck. “Were you always this angry?”

“This is stupid,” she grumbled.

“I have a reason for doing this. You’ll see but I need you to think back to when you were happy.”

“Do you remember when the pegasi delivered water to Cloudsdale?” asked Twilight, “They couldn’t have done it without you.” Fluttershy’s body relaxed and her breathing slowed.

“Everypony cheering my name,” Fluttershy added with a slight smile. Her eye crinkled and her lower lip began to quiver. “I’m scared,” she cried. “Twilight I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Fluttershy, we’re here for you.”

Ian turned to Celestia and motioned for her to pick up the pegasus. Celestia nodded and lifted Fluttershy towards her. “She needs to be put somewhere quiet, free from distractions. I know it doesn’t make sense, but she needs to be kept in a concentrated salt bath.”

“Am I going to die?”

“Not if I can help it, but I need you to be brave and stay calm.”

Fluttershy nodded as tears streamed down her cheeks.

Twilight bent down to Spike and whispered in his ear. “Look after her Spike. She needs a friend right now.” Spike didn’t question her and ran off after the Princess. Ian closed the door behind them and turned to the unicorn.

“Is there a reason you’re still here?”

“I want to help.”

Ian couldn’t stifle his laugh. He opened the door and stepped aside for her to pass. “What, you’re serious?” Twilight nodded, and Ian laughed even harder. “Look unicorn, I admire your loyalty to Fluttershy, but this is bigger than you. Go home.”

“No.”

This wasn’t funny anymore, now it was getting annoying. “Tell me,” Ian said as he walked toward the mare, “have you ever fought a Wabberjack before? Ah, of course you haven’t because you’re just a horse that lives in a tree.” He leaned down over her as she glared up at him. “I, on the other hand, have taken down more than I can count on my fingers.” He emphasized this by wiggling all ten of them in front of Twilight’s face. “I don’t need any help.”

Without breaking eye-contact, Twilight swatted his hands away with her hoof and sarcastically retorted, “Well tell me, have you ever been to Equestria before? Do you know a single thing about its geography, its cities, or its cultures? No?”

“I’m sure I’ll manage without a horse stapled to my side.”

“First of all: I’m a unicorn. Second: who needs fingers,” she said as she pulled Ian’s legs out from under him, “when you’ve spent your life studying magic?”

Ian didn’t like the idea of working with a Local, but she was right- he didn’t know a thing about her world. Plus a magic user was bound to be useful (or at least make good bait). “Also,” Twilight said proudly, “I have your gun.”

Ian knew when he was beaten. “Fine,” he said with a sigh.“You win.”

“You won’t regret this,” assured the mare. She noticed that Ian’s nose was broken. “Hold still,” she ordered, and before Ian could ask why, she popped his nose back in place.

“Son of a- oh god that hurt like hell!”

Twilight gaped as the bruising immediately faded away. “Amazing,” she muttered.

Ian inhaled through his nose and was instantly besieged by a terrible odor. “Ugh, do you smell that?”

“Smell what?”

He breathed in deep and shuttered at the smell. The stench stung his nostrils and burned his lungs. “This place,” he had to pause and cough, “it reeks of hydrochloric acid. The Wabberjack was definitely here.”

“Why can’t I smell it?”

Ian paced around the room, smelling every corner, shuttering all the while. “Because you aren’t designed to smell it.”

She wasn’t sure what that meant, but Twilight had bigger concerns. “What is a Wabberjack exactly? What did it do to Fluttershy?”

“Wabberjacks don’t kill their prey at first. They feed off of their victim’s best traits, if that makes sense.” Ian stopped to smell the fireplace.

“You’re saying it ate Fluttershy’s kindness?”

“Pretty much, and if we don’t find it, you’re friend’s going to die.” Ian could have worded the fact in a more pleasant way, but the thought didn’t occur to him.

Twilight felt her blood turn ice cold. Her heart beat frantically as cold sweat dripped from her pores. Her legs screamed at her to run, to do something, anything. If time was so important, why was Ian wasting it smelling the house? Every inch of her body quivered in panic. It became so unbearable that she finally burst out, “Well then why are we still here?”

Ian was busy sniffing the back door when Twilight hollered at him. “Speak of the devil, Twilight,” he said proudly, kicking the door off its hinges, “I found the bastard’s trail.” He skipped into Fluttershy’s backyard and sucked in the fresh air. He pointed off into the trees, “it went that way,” he called to Twilight.

Twilight gulped as she followed Ian’s finger. The Wabberjack had run into, “the Everfree Forest.”

“What’s the matter Twilight? Getting cold feet?”