The Most Deplorable Attraction in the History of the Multiverse*

The most peculiar thing happened to Ian last night: he had a dream. Granted, it wasn’t a very exciting dream. He had been sitting in a field of flowers, staring at the stars with a beautiful girl. Neither said a word to the other, but they both seemed happy. Then, for no reason, he left her to eat a tub of popcorn dressed as a lumberjack. See, not very exciting; but as long as Ian kept his eyes shut, he could picture the girl. Her violet eyes had a tender softness to them that made him feel at peace. One pink and purple highlight ran through her long dark hair which fell over her arms as she hugged her legs. She also had seven stars tattooed on her hip which, to be honest, Ian found pretty cute. Ian laughed when he realized that she was literally the girl of his dreams.

The laugh must have been too loud, because the grass next to him rustled a little. He half opened one eye and looked to his left. Twilight was lying flat, perpendicular to his body. The grass was covering most of her face, but her eyes were wide open. She looked like a cat stalking its prey, ready to pounce. “Did I wake you up?” he asked.

“No, I’ve been awake for a while,” she said, still staring at him.

Ian sat up and rubbed his eyes. “Where’s Morpheus?” he asked, realizing his friend was missing.

“He wanted to give you a proper farewell, but neither of us wanted to wake you.” Twilight stuck out her forelegs out and stretched. “We both decided that you’d earned some shuteye.”

“It still would’ve been nice to say goodbye.”

Twilight sat down next to him. Without the Wabberjack, her scent was much stronger. “Maybe you’ll see each other the next time you’re in Equestria.” She leaned over to look at him, and she looked a little worried. “You are coming back, aren’t you?”

“Anything’s possible…”

Without warning, Twilight closed her eyes and pressed her lips against Ian’s.

It was so sudden that Ian wasn’t quite sure what was happening. An alarm clanged in his head as he realized what she was doing. In a panic, he pushed Twilight away and ran backwards into a tree.

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?

Twilight had her forehooves pressed over her mouth in shock. “Oh my goodness,” she rushed, “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me.” She tried to move closer to Ian, but he hid behind the tree.

What the hell was happening? How the hell was this happening? This had to be a dream or some horrible nightmare…was she crying?

Ian peeked out, sure he had imagined it. But there she was, turned away with her face buried in her hooves, sobbing. “I’m sorry,” she quivered, “you must hate me.”

He pulled his head back, contemplating what she’d said. Wasn’t he afraid she’d hate him?

…Damn it.

Ignoring the painful void growing in his gut, Ian forced himself to Twilight’s side. Teardrops stained her fur, but when he tried to look in her eyes, she turned away in shame. Ian couldn’t think of something to say, so he wiped a tear off her cheek and waited for her to look at him. Before she could say something, he leaned forward and kissed her.

Once he’d gotten over his initial fright, kissing her wasn’t that bad. Granted, since neither of them had ever kissed another species before, it started out rather awkwardly. Thank God for Ian Twilight found his awkwardness a little charming.

At one point Ian opened his mouth as wide as possible, as if he was trying to eat her face. She pulled her head back and giggled. “You may be a good fighter, but you’re a terrible kisser.”

“Hey, you go nine hundred years without kissing,” he retorted, scratching her chin with one finger. Ian could hear her moan a little as her eyes fluttered shut, so he added another finger.

“You make a good point,” she sighed.

“And I’m not a terrible kisser,” he added, pulling her close. Honestly, he had absolutely no idea what he was doing, but he refused to let her remark slide so easily. Taking care not to open his mouth too wide, he tentatively slid his tongue past her lips.

One of the benefits of being an Angel is heightened senses and, with Twilight, it felt like a blessing. As he moved his tongue around, he could taste the magnificent apples of Sweet Apple Acres in her saliva. Wherever he moved his tongue, he felt hers move with him. It never got in the way though; in fact, it tickled whenever he brushed against it.

Ian felt rather proud that he’d managed to leave Twilight breathless by the end. “Better?”

“That was much better,” she panted. With the way she said it, and the way she looked at him, he knew what was coming next.

Uh oh.

Before Ian could react, Twilight was on top of him. What had been a nice romantic kiss was quickly turning into something much more unsettling. Then again, what the hell did he expect after sticking his tongue into her mouth?

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! This is very bad, get up and get the hell out of…

Ian’s mind went fuzzy as Twilight began nibbling his earlobe. Maybe this wouldn’t be as bad as he’d thought. After all, she was smart, funny, cute, and, most importantly, she liked him. Did it matter if she was a pony?

“I’m sorry,” she said, “am I being too forward?”

“No,” he answered, still a little dazed. Not wanting to have her do everything, he reached up and scratched her behind the ears. As he ran his fingers through her silky mane, the warm tickling feeling started to grow in his chest. His entire body felt jittery, and it was hard to keep his hand from shaking as he touched her. By complete accident, his hand grazed her horn making her shudder. “Did I hurt you?” he asked, jerking his hand away.

“Don’t stop.”

Reluctantly, Ian placed four fingers on the back of her horn and ran his thumb up and down the front. It must have been one powerful erogenous zone, because she was panting and groaning like nothing before. Ian hadn’t seen anyone act like this ever, and it was a little jarring. However, the feeling of something warm and wet rubbing up and down the thigh of his jeans was much more jarring.

Okay, you can do this…just think back to the last time you had sex…think back to the last time you saw people having sex…the last time you heard about sex…oh crap.

Twilight had pulled off his shirt and pants and was slowly working her way down, kissing his body as she went. They say some things you never forget how to do, like riding a bicycle. Well if you put the bicycle away for nine hundred years, you’re definitely going to have some problems, and that’s if the tires hadn’t gone flat by then.

Ian soon discovered that his tires had not gone flat, but he was still nervous. He cringed as he felt Twilight’s tongue curl around his shaft (ugh, he hated that word). Within seconds, he was fully erect, but he felt trapped. Her upper lip was rubbing along the back of his head as her tongue tickled the front, but it wasn’t pleasurable. It hurt.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with her technique, but every movement made the painful void in his stomach grow. Why the hell was this happening? Why couldn’t he overcome this horrible pain? He wanted to run, but the thought of leaving Twilight hurt just as much. He was trapped, and if he didn’t think of something fast, the pain would be unbearable.

Come on, think! Think, think, think, think, think, think, think-

“Vagina!” he shouted, much louder than he intended. Twilight looked up and said something but, since her mouth was full, he couldn’t understand it.

Wasting no time, Ian squirmed upright and laid Twilight on her back. “Ian, are you alright?” she asked.

“Perfectly alright,” he lied, “I just didn’t want to…um,” he was straining to find a good word for it.

“Orgasm?” He cringed a little when she said it; it was certainly not the right word. “Ian,” Twilight said gently, “premature ejaculation is nothing to be ashamed of.”

In a desperate attempt to make her stop talking, Ian ran his tongue into her mouth, much more hastily than before. “Twilight, I’m fine,” he said, trying to sound as composed as possible. When she tried to say something, he put a finger to her lips and told her to shush.

Faster than a caffeinated jackrabbit, Ian ducked between Twilight’s haunches. The sight of her…well, her vagina filled Ian with both awe and dread. Excitement brought his fingers close to her lips, but fear drove them away.

God damn it Ian, grow a pair!

A thought occurred to Ian, and pulled the sapphire gemstone from his jean pocket. If he couldn’t do the job, maybe this could. It had a good length and a sizable thickness to it, and since one end was smooth and blunt, it wouldn’t hurt her. But was it right?

Ian flipped the gem to the sharp end and stared at it. Its purpose was to be a weapon, so was it fair to use it for sex? A friend had given him this stone, and to use it like this almost seemed disrespectful. The stone was meant to kill…or was it? Yes, it had a sharp end, but at the same time it was blunt. The blunt end could simply be so the wielder wouldn’t hurt themselves, but what if it was meant for something else?

Could it simply be that it was made for both pain and pleasure? But then, those were how Ian saw the gem. Morpheus had stowed it in a bag, intending to eat it, so was Ian holding it from its destiny? And food was the only thing Morpheus saw it as, so what would someone else think? Did it even have a purpose, or was it cursed to move through time, forever letting others use it as they saw fit? Maybe that was its purpose.

If it could speak, what would it say? Would it object to someone deciding its fate? Maybe it wanted to find its purpose for itself, and everyone else was keeping the stone from it. Or maybe it wouldn’t mind; after all, each new purpose brought a new experience, a new was to see the world. In that case, it would be wrong not to use it on Twilight.

Ian sighed and switched to the blunt end; hopefully this was the right choice. He still couldn’t bear to see the gem press between her glistening pink lips, so he shut his eyes and pushed in.

“Wrong hole!” Twilight shouted in surprise, “Wrong hole!”

The painful void spread throughout him once his eyes were open. Sure enough, the gem was pressed about one centimeter into her rear end. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” he rushed, “I got nervous and-”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Just take it out, but do it gently.”

Ian took a series of deep breaths before gripping the gem, slowly working it out.

“Well ah do daclayah,” a pompous voice called behind Ian, “this Sta’swirl tha Beahded sure was a fascinatin’ characta’.”

Twilight looked up and Ian slowly turned his head, praying it wasn’t who he thought it was. Leaning against a tree, casually reading a book on Starswirl the Bearded, was Mark. “Surprise douchebag,” he said without looking up.

Mark slammed the book shut as loud as possible and tossed it aside. The sound was jarring enough that Ian flinched and yanked the gem out of Twilight, who rolled on her side, gasping in pain. Ian scrambled to his feet and put on his boxers as quickly as possible, but when he tried to speak, his lips moved wordlessly.

“Twilight Sparkle, do you mind if I borrow your fuck-buddy for a second?” Mark didn’t wait for Twilight to answer and walked into the forest.

Ian could feel his legs moving, and he could see Twilight’s worried face, but he couldn’t tell if this was real. Oh God he hoped this was a dream and he’d wake up any minute now in his room on his terrible bed.

“Okay dude,” Mark said when they were alone, “what the fuck?”

“…”

“I let you stay the night because you were tired, not so you could fuck some horse.”

“Her name is Twilight,” Ian muttered, “and she’s a unicorn pony.”

“Do you want to know who has two thumbs and doesn’t give a shit?” He pointed to himself. “Look, we all slip up every now and then, but a god damn horse!”

Ian couldn’t stop himself before he had the gem pointed at Mark’s throat. “Listen you fucking asshole, I’ve been blue-balling it for over nine hundred god damn years! I don’t care how fucking disgusting it is!”

Mark swatted Ian’s hand away and shoved him into a tree. “Don’t point your fucking dildo at me asshole! Put your dick away and go get your things. We’re leaving.”

“I need t-”

“Seriously dude,” Mark said, raising his hand and averting his eyes, “put your dick away, it’s like it’s staring at me.”

Ian looked down and frantically pushed his penis behind his boxers. Why couldn’t this hell end already?

The worst was yet to come, as Ian quickly learned. Ian and Mark exited the trees and stopped at the sight of Twilight. She was trying to stay calm, but tears were streaming down her face. “Fucking disgusting?” Her voice was trembling in anger.

Ian looked to Mark for help, not that he would offer any.

“Is that what I am to you? Was I just some outlet for years of pent up energy?” Twilight rubbed the tears from her eyes, only to have more immediately take their place. “Answer me Ian!”

He wanted to say no, but he wasn’t sure if that was true. Why couldn’t she have acted like any other Local?

“Sweet Cele-” she was too ashamed to say her Princess’ name. “Y-you were ashamed to be with me.”

Say something!

“…”

The last memory Ian had of Equestria was Twilight screaming as she hurled his gun at his head.