"Really, Rarity? Do you spend this much time on your hair every mornin'?" Applejack sniffed, wishing that she hadn't retained her sense of smell through the transformation. Rarity used more hairspray on her own than the rest of the town combined. It was a miracle her lungs hadn't rotted away.

"Of course not. That would be foolish. Under normal circumstances half the work would already be done by my curlers. And needless to say my dexterity is not what it normally is."

"Wakin' up after gettin' totally wasted can do that to ya. Speakin' of which, I thought you wanted to get some food in you to try to get over the hump."

"I do, but I can hardly go out without making myself at least somewhat presentable. I'll have enough trouble maintaining composure without looking like a troll doll." She ran her fingers through the small bit of her hair that wasn't wrapped in a curling iron. "It's bad enough that I didn't have the opportunity to wear my beauty mask last night."

"I still don't know how you can stand to sleep with that muck on your face. I mean, you roll over in your sleep and you got a big old mess on your hands."

Rarity snorted. "Some of us don't feel the needs to flail around in our sleep."

"And some of us don't feel the need to put ten pounds of crud in our hair before we go out for lunch."

"Well, excuse me for taking some pride in my appearance." Rarity released her hair from the curling iron and teased it a bit. "Hmmm..." She examined herself in the mirror. "How does that look?"

"I can't see it, Rarity. I'm on your ass, remember?"

"Oh, right." Rarity held a hand mirror behind her behind so Applejack could see her. "How's my hair?"

"Looks fine to me." It wasn't a lie, although Applejack had to admit that Rarity would have looked pretty good even with an afro. She had put so much time into her appearance that a bit of it had become permanent. Of course, it only made it that much easier to convince Rarity that she was finally presentable enough to leave the house.

"Excellent. Now I just need to select my outfit."

"I already told you that I liked the blue dress."

"I'm aware, but blue just doesn't match well with orange, which is what you are."

"What the hell difference does that make?" Applejack wanted to facepalm but couldn't due to a lack of hands. She settled for a frown, which was just as useless because Rarity couldn't see her. "Nobody's gonna be able to see me anyway. Unless you planned on flashin' your underpants around town, but I kinda doubt that."

"I'm aware that no one would be aware of your presence, but the mere knowledge that my underpants don't match the rest of my ensemble would be unbearable! It just feels as if something is wrong."

"Well, if that's the case, why don't you just get a blue pair of panties?"

"All of my other panties are dirty."

"I shoulda known." Applejack grumbled. "Fine then, why don't you wear the yellow one."

"I believe I shall. But which yellow dress?"

"How many do you have?"

"About a dozen, give or take?"

"What the hell do you need that many yellow dresses for?"

"Variety."

"Well, pick one and get on with it. I can practically hear your stomach rumblin'."

Rarity sniffed. "My stomach does not rumble, it purrs."

"Fine, whatever, just put a damn dress on and get your ass in gear!"

"Why are you so anxious to get me out of the house anyway? It isn't like you have anything else to do?"

"That's just it, as long as I'm stuck in these panties, I gotta basically just hang on your ass all day. If I can get you outta here maybe we'll run into to Twilight and she can turn me back to myself. As nice of a butt as you have, I'd rather touch it with my real body."

"Applejack, are you prepositioning me? If so, these are hardly the proper circumstances."

"What? No!"

"So you don't consider me to be adequate? Are you still bitter about that incident at Twilight's slumber party? Or am I not suitable for a long term relationship? Or am I merely not attractive enough for you to find desirable? Is it my chest? It's too small, isn't it? You probably just like enormous breasts. Those stupidly oversized melons that look like balloons stuffed down the front of their chests. It's so unfair. The giant boobs get all the attention, even though shape is every bit as important as size! Any bimbo can have big breasts, but everyone just fawns over them as long as they're big! They could be all saggy and downright pendulous, but if they're big, who cares? That's what matters, right? The whole idea that the size of the chest is the only thing that matters is such BULLSHIT."

"Rarity, your boobs are fine! I'm just sayin' that if I was ever gonna hit on you I'd do while you were sober, and while I wasn't a damn pair of underpants. And I ain't sayin' anything more about that until you get over this hangover, and I turn back into a girl."

"Fine, then." Rarity made a slurping sound.

"Rarity, are you drinkin' more cider?"

"...............................................................................................................................................................no."

"For fuck's sake, Rarity, you can't go drinkin' any more of that stuff! It'll only make you more hungover!"

"Au contraire!" Rarity's voice began to slur. "My head is actually starting to feel a bit better."

"Yeah, for now. When it wears off it's gonna feel like a steer took a dump in your skull. Now put that stuff down, put on some damn clothes and go get some food!"

"Fine, fine." There was a clunk as Rarity put down her mug. Let me just get my dress..."

Applejack's line of sight was blocked completely by yellow. She looked down and could see Rarity slipping her shoes on.

"Now, then..." Rarity said. "I think we ought be clear about how this is going to work. You, for obvious reasons, cannot say anything. People would be rather suspicious if my behind started to talk."

"Fine, I'll be quiet then. Just don't sit on me too hard."

"What exactly are you implying?"

"Nothing at all." Applejack rolled her eyes. Wasn't as if Rarity could see them. "Although I gotta say it would pretty hilarious if people thought you had a talking ass. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash only wish they'd be able to pull something like that."

"Don't you dare! If you say so much as a word, I'll sit on you!"

"So?" Applejack snickered at the thought. "We already established that I'd probably enjoy gettin' squished by your not-at-all-fat butt."

"Well, then I'll- I'll--"

"You'll what?"

"I'll fart! I'll fart on you! And you won't be able to help but smell it!"

"That's bullshit! I've never in my life heard you fart! I don't believe for a second that you can even do that."

"I most certainly can fart! I'm just very good at muffling the sound. When one has my poise, you figure out how to do these things. Granted, I can't do anything about the smell..."

"So you go the silent but deadly route, huh? I guess if you gotta- wait a sec. When we all went to go watch Rainbow Dash's exhibition and somebody farted! That was you, wasn't it?"

"It... may have been."

"I ended up gettin' blamed for that! That ain't cool!"

"Who was I supposed to blame, Fluttershy?"

"Blame Pinkie, it's not like she'd care anyway." Applejack groaned. "Anyway, just don't fart on me, okay? If they're really that bad, you might kill me or somethin' and you don't wanna have to explain that." She pitched her voice up a few notches. "'Oh, Applejack's dead? How did that happen?' 'She turned into a pair of panties, I put them on, and then farted so hard it suffocated her.' Let me die with dignity!"

"I can assure you that you would probably survive."

"Probably ain't good enough! What are you gettin' for lunch anyway? You aren't gettin' a burrito, are you? If you are I swear I'll... I'll..."

"You'll what? You're a pair of panties. You can't move! You have no muscles."

"I can kinda move!" Applejack tried to wiggle herself. Suddenly, Rarity released a squeak. Not a shocked squeak, or a scared squeak, but one that sounded almost happy. Applejack grinned. "Oh, I know what I can do." She squeezed herself, and Rarity inhaled sharply. "Yeah, if you fart on me I'll start movin' around. I'll move around a lot."

"F-fine! See if I care."

"Oh, you'll care alright. I know how loud you can be. All I gotta do is rub a bit and everybody in the restaurant will think you have a serious burrito fetish!"

"I am not loud," Rarity said.

"Yes, ya are. I remember that sleepover at Twilight's house, and your ridiculously long shower. Twilight convinced me to not to say anythin' but it was pretty obvious that you weren't spendin' all that time cleanin' your hair." Applejack sniffed smugly. "And seriously, masturbating at someone else's house, during a sleepover? That's kinda weird."

"So I just happen to have an active libido. There's nothing wrong with that!" The dress shifted, and Applejack could feel Rarity cross her arms. "Like you've never had the urge in an odd location before. Come on, tell me where it is. What's the most awkward place you've pleasured yourself?"

"N-no!" Applejack said, in a voice that was far to emphatic. "I keep all that stuff at home."

"No you don't! I can tell. You're an awful liar."

Applejack only sighed.

"Well, you may as well admit it, dear. There's no shame in it! It's a perfectly natural urge."

"Yeah, but why should I tell you anything about it?"

"Because it isn't fair that you know so much about my... habits. Is it in the barn? You get a bit horny while you're working and find yourself rubbing yourself against a support beam or something?"

"Hell no! Those beams are splintery as hell. No way would I put my crotch on that."

"Is it someone else's house, then? Is it Fluttershy's cottage? You had a quick shlick in her bathroom? Or here! You masturbated in one of my dressing rooms, didn't you?"

"No! I'd never do that."

"Then where?" Rarity gasped. "You do it outside, don't you!? You get tired of harvesting apples, so you duck behind a tree and stick a hand down your pants!"

"I do not! I'd never do that someplace where Apple Bloom might see it!"

"Well, you must have done it somewhere..."

Applejack groaned. "If I tell you, will you quit pestering me about it and promise not to fart on me?"

"Of course, dear."

"And don't tell anybody. You mention it to anyone and I'll tell everybody about your farting thing!"

"Fine."

"Well, you remember that time I ran off to Dodge Junction?"

"Of course. All of you stranded me out in the middle of nowhere with Pinkie."

"Well, remember how Pinkie found me when I was comin' out of an outhouse? Well, I...uh... I wasn't really usin' it for it's intended purpose."

"An outhouse!? Ewwwww!"

"Oh, shut it! I was under a lot of stress, and givin' myself some stimulation helps me relax! Now can we please stop talkin' about this and get outta here?"

"Why are you so anxious for me to get my lunch, anyway?"

"I don't have anythin' else to do. I'm a pair of panties. All I can really do is hope that when your hangover goes away you'll come to your senses and take me off! Now get your ass in gear or I'll squeeze a big old orgasm outta you!"

"Fine!" Rarity began to walk, and Applejack heard the sound of her picking up her purse. "Although I should warn you, that if you do that, you may get a bit... wet."

"Duly noted. Now let's get going."

Applejack heard the sound of a door opening.

"Very well."

Author's Note

I fully agree with Rarity's statement about boobs. Shape > size.