I told you to go right

I was seriously considering snapping a long gem out of the wall and shoving it into Pinkie's eye socket. She neglected to remove her ass from my face: that is pretty much the top of the list of reasons why I'd do that. But in the meantime, I was going to be wearing the awesome-voice-skull, mostly for intimidation purposes and so I could speak like a TRUE god.
"So what happens if we were to get lost, mortal?" I boomed.
"Shut up, Thunder." Twilight groaned. "We will not get lost."
"Fairly certain I've seen that gem before. And these unconcious dogs that were clearly like that when I got here."
"Twilight," Applejack asked. "Are we lost?" Twilight stopped for a moment, sighed, and sat down.
"Yes." she replied. "Yes we are."
"Why not just follow the tunnel with the most gems?" I suggested. Suddenly, I remembered something: my 'meeting' with Princess Luna. "And plus, I can't be late getting outta here."
"Why?" Rainbow's ears pricked up. "You got something to hide?"
"No." I quickly replied. "Hold on, can't take myself seriously with this bloody...There. No."
"What are you hiding...?" Twilight growled.
"Abso-fucking-lutely nothing." I received burning stares from the girls. Behind them, my friends were gesturing for me to tell them.
"Thunder. Tell us." Twilight growled again, stepping forward.
"Alright. Fine." I gave in, raising my hooves. "Well, Princess Luna decided to break into my mind a few days ago, before telling me she was sending a carriage to Ponyville."
"Why would she do that?"
"Ahh...promise not to laugh?"
Twilight nodded. Pinkie began her promise.
"Well...she wants me to go on a date with her." A moment of shocked silence followed.
"What..." Rainbow asked, clearly on the brink of laughter. "You...and Princess Luna?"
"Apparently yes." I groaned. Most of the girls looked in pain they were trying not to laugh. I sighed. "Fine. Fucking laugh then." The whole tunnel echoed with female and male laughter, most notable when Rainbow fell over and the rusty armour clanked onto the floor. As I watched them all crease over a strange request, a fleeting movement caught the corner of my eye. Ignoring it, I stood them up.
"You guys are seriously the biggest assholes I've ever met." I groaned.
"Aww, you too!" Pinkie cheerfully replied. "What's an asshole?" I almost died when Pinkie said 'asshole'. Seriously, Pinkie fucking just said it like an everyday word. Trying to keep my shit together, I rolled my eyes.
"Well, I just saw something moving. The dogs are onto us." I proclaimed. "Either that, or Terramorphus hates visitors."
"Terramorphus...Terramorphus?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah. Y'know, Terramorphus? Big, fucking gigantic Thresher? Huge teeth, hundreds of tentacles, probably made this tunnel we're in right now, killed thousands of ponies and dogs?" I began describing him.
"W-Well, th-that's not too bad..." Twilight replied, straightening up and trying to look brave.
"Oh yeah, and he's been titled 'Terramorphus the Invincible', 'oh shit it's Terramorphus aaahh god he's eating my leg the blood is everywhere this is fucking painful', 'bloody hell that Thresher is fucking huge let's call him Terramorphus', and my personal favorite: 'Terry'."
"Y'all are kiddin', right?" Applejack shuddered. I was about to say I was, but then something happened that nearly made me cry.
The noise a Thresher makes, except 2000 times louder, boomed through the cave, shaking the walls and ceiling. Far off in the distance of the cave, in a large ravine, a sudden movement caught my eye. I froze.
"What was that? Terramorphus?!" Fluttershy squeaked, hiding under Sky. He looked incredibly confused by her invasion of space.
"Shit no..." I murmured. "He's fucking real...crying, suicide, and last moments sex time." I remembered the girls and others. "Err, y-yeah. I-I am. Ha ha, such a joker I am." I viciously elbowed Ebony. He had also seen the beast. "Play along." I hissed.
"Oh, you silly pony, Thunder." Ebony said in what sounded like a really crappy kids show host's voice. "Everypony knows Terramorphus the Invincible isn't real! Shut the fuck up, Thunder."
"Oh. You got me." I sarcastically laughed. "Now, let's go get Rarity. Follow the gem tunnel." I said to Twilight. She began to explain Rarity's spell, whilst me and the guys got together in a huddle.
"Did you fucking see that?!?!" Sky hissed. "Was that fucking Terramorphus? The Invincible?!"
"I don't know, maybe it...was a trick of the light?" Inferno said hopefully.
"I hope you're right." Fire added. "I can't fly off or shoot him with magic if he attacks!"
"Oh, what I'd give for a Conference Call right now..." Ebony sighed.
"Err...we-we'll think of something? Right?" I asked.
"Probably not." Solar groaned. "None of us are Sirens, Gunzerkers, Commandos, or Assassins, but we've got Pinkie. She might be able to, I dunno, irritate the bastard to death."
"AND THEN IT'S A BYE-BYE EVIL MEANIE PARTY!" Pinkie shouted from in the circle. Somehow she was next to me. We all reeled back.
"Jesus, CHRIST, Pinkie!" I growled. "Ok, huddle over, ass kicking time!"
"LET'S GO KILL SOME DOGS!" Ebony roared in a Saxton Hale voice. All of a sudden, things flew onto our backs, landing sharply and heavily, before some bridles were put in our mouths. I realised these were dogs. I quickly looked at Ebony, who was moving his head around and rearing up like Joey in War Horse. That film was shit. Anyway, Ebony didn't have a bridle impeding his voice, and so he shouted. "Get the FU-MMPHRG!" Before he could finish, the dog riding him grabbed him, held him still, and rammed a bridle into his mouth. The bridles weren't difficult to remove. We all simply reached up and pulled them out. I angrily turned to my rider, a dimshitted looking brown dog wearing a helmet two sizes too large.
"Get your goddamn paws off me before I rip off your shitty little arms and bitch slap you with them, all day, EVERY day!" I yelled. The dog didn't even notice my yells of Samuel L. Jackson, instead opting to stare ahead as though he knew what was going on. He clearly didn't, so I yelled to the girls. "Twilight! Magic!" The lavender mare nodded, charging her horn, picking up all 11 dogs, before throwing them down the cavern, never to be seen again. Sighing with relief, we were all just about to report to the main group, when suddenly the roar once again smashed the silence.
"Ok, that thing's getting closer." Twilight finally said after we all began cautiously looking around. "Thunder, I thought you said Terramorphus wasn't re-" Finally, I cracked.
"OK OK, LOOK I THINK HE MIGHT BE REAL SOMETHING WAS MOVING DOWN THE CAVERN WHEN THE FIRST ROAR HAPPENED SO NOW I THINK HE MIGHT BE KILLING THOSE DOGS OH GOD THE GUILT WE JUST KILLED SOME DOGS WE'RE MURDERERS NOW SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT-" I began yelling, unable to take the pressure. A sudden slap to the face snapped me out of it.
"Pull yourself together!" Came Fluttershy's stern voice. Everypony gasped at her sudden change of demeanour. "I thought you were supposed to be dating Princess Luna! PRINCESS LUNA, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! What'll she think if you go to her crying that you might have killed some bullies? They might have been thrown down there, but that DOESN'T mean they've been eaten! You're supposed to be sane now, so SNAP OUT OF IT!" The usually timid Pegasus gave me a morale-boosting punch to the face, and I straightened up.
"YES MA'AM!"