I told you to go right

We needed a friendship ideal to tell Celestia about. Anything'd do, it just needed to be a letter about friendship! We'd held it off all week so we could think of one, and now we were panicking. Not Twilight-level panic, but you know what I mean.
"Dear Princess Celestia," Ebony began, sounding important. I swear I heard birds singing and a flute in the background. "This week we learned-"
"No, no..." I cut in. "Too cliché. Twilight's probably used it already...ummm..."
"Dear Princess Celestia," Sky began, clearing his throat. "Today was an important day, for we learned that-"
"Mmm...nah..." Inferno cut in. "We've been at this for hours!"
"Well, let's see you do better!" Ebony challenged, standing up from the library floor. The girls, being the girls they are, were simply stood at the sidelines of the library laughing. Inferno told us that Twilight invited them round to laugh at us. Not today.
"Alright!" the tiny Pegasus yelled back at the towering unicorn. "Dear your majesties Luna and Celestia, our friendship has truly been tested this week."
"O...k..." Ebony replied sadly, sitting down as the girls just laughed. "Well, go on then." Inferno now looked embarassed.
"Ummm...ok..." he cleared his throat. "First, two of us are in relationships with your students' friends, and kept us up all night with their continuous sex. I am banging your student, which is awesome..." he continued. None of us heard what else he said. Twilight did, but we didn't: we were all on the floor in stitches of laughter. Well, up until he mentioned two other ponies. "...Solar says the hard-working farmer is as she claims in bed: tight, fast, powerful, pleasurable." Applejack and Solar stood up, pulling the same face as Twilight. "...however, it seems my single friend Ebony Chopper has his eye on you, so watch out." At that moment, we all died. Ebony was trying to commit ritual suicide simultaneously alongside Solar, AJ, and Twilight. "Plus, not to mention that my pal Sky Wheel is preparing to ask Rainbow Dash on a date, and that Fire Trail wants Rarity, this will be an eventful week. Wish us luck, and our friendships will stay strong." Everypony but me and Inferno was pulling the same shocked face.
"D-Don't send that...please..." Twilight begged. Suddenly, Spike ran in, clutching a scroll.
"Twilight!" he shouted. "Letter from Celestia! Read! Please!" Twilight shook her head clear, grabbed it, and began to read. She didn't read aloud, so it was private. Meanwhile, the others were trying to make Inferno's brain explode with their pissed-off doom glares. Suddenly, Spike's voice piped up. "Wow, you wrote a reply quick!" he quipped, picking up the letter on the table. I saw Twilight's expression freeze when she heard that. "Shall I sen-"
"NO!" was the collective group reply with a yell.
"Yes." I casually replied, looking innocent as possible. I was joking around, until I heard the fwoosh of a letter being sent. I opened my eyes just in time to see the smoke wisping and curling out the window with green sparks. My heart sank like the Titanic just then: if the Titanic had been made of solid bedrock, weighed 1,000,000,000,000,000 tonnes and appeared 20000 miles in mid-air above a desert. I looked to the group. All had shrunken pupils the size of pinpricks, and Inferno was beside himself with laughter.
"Guys, girls." Twilight calmly said, eye twitching as she smiled.
"Oh shit, this ain't good..." I whispered to Inferno, looking to the door.
"GET THEM!" Twilight roared, bursting into flames. The group responded by yelling at me and Inferno as we made a sharp beeline for the door. The library seemed huge now, much larger than I remember it, and now I was being pursued by former allies. I felt like Saren from the first Mass Effect.
"INFERNO, RUN!" I yelled back, just as I bashed the door down. I shook my head clear of concussion, spat blood out onto the floor in front of shocked onlookers, and ran faster than ever. Just as I was certain I'd nearly escaped, a rage-filled voice rang out in the street.
"I'LL GIVE 1000 BITS TO THE PONY WHO BRINGS ME THUNDER MUSTANG OR INFERNO CLOUD! DEAD MAYBE, ALIVE PREFERABLE!" Twilight screeched, the voice cracking through the air like a whip. shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit I screamed in my mind. I only had a few seconds before somepony came after me. More accurately, everypony, including: Equestria's fastest flier, members of the weather patrol, Equestria's most talented magic student, a farmer who could easily catch me, almost the entire town, a Shire Horse called Big Mac, and a shit load of mares. All of them wanted 1000 bits, and would kill me for it. Just as I rounded a corner into Main Street, I realised my mistake and tried to back up.
Too late.
A whole wall of ponies had amassed, and it seemed that the entirety of Ponyville was preparing to stampede. At the helm, Rainbow, AJ, Rarity, and Twilight, all looking 50 times as pissed as each other combined. They were at the other end of the street, and just before I could turn and run down a side street...
Nice try!
Walls of magic had appeared to block every exit, each a different colour. And in some feat of insane magical energy consumption, the whole street was barricaded in from the sky. Just me and a horde of angry ponies all trapped in a box. Couldn't get any better.
"I'll give you one chance to turn yourself in to us!" Rainbow called, stepping forward. "And I promise: your torture will be done in 5 minutes!"
"BULLSHIT!" I yelled back. "YOU'LL JUST ADD AN EXTRA ZERO TO THE END!"
"Thunder!" a familiar voice called from above. Instinctively, I turned to defend myself, but slightly relaxed when I saw who it was. Charcoal coat, greyish-blue Mohawk, quick grin, Thunderlane. Just before I kicked him, he spoke quickly. "Look, I'm not here for the cash! You're my best friend, I'm not betraying you!"
"Fine," I sighed, "But one false move and you'll wish you were never born. Can't trust anypony."
"Ok, ok." he whimpered. "They're planning a charge, and everypony but me wants the cash. If we can meet with Inferno, we can get up to Canterlot and hide out there. Sound good?"
"Yeah, but how're we getting past this lot...?"
"Sewers." Thunderlane mouthed.
"Doors?" Twilight yelled. "Thanks for giving us your plans!"
"Play along." Thunderlane hissed.
"Goddamn it, Thunderlane!" I yelled. "You told them the plan!"
"Shut up! You got into this mess, you can get out!" he replied, before mouthing, 'Meet you in the sewer drop off outside town.'
"Good luck, asshole." I winked. He nodded, and flew back to the crowds.
"CHARGE!" Twilight bellowed. The crowd roared its approval as it charged forward as one, a heaving mass of horns aglow, wings flared, and charging Shire Horses. I steeled myself, and began to gallop towards them. Former friends, minor goddesses, an entire town all against me and my two best friends.
Here we go...