I told you to go right

Loud talking managed to awake me, even after I had told it to fuck off. 6 female voices, six male voices, and I was about to make it seven. Groaning as I stood up, I straightened my hat and glared at them.
"Bloody hell, mates," I said loudly, immediately directing all eyes to me, "Can't a guy get some kip without some bloody pikeys wakin' him up?"
"Thunder, shut up." Rainbow glared, before returning to staring at Braeburn. "What were you saying?"
"Well," Braeburn replied, adjusting his hat, "Ah was just sayin' that the buffalo have been pretty quiet lately. We think they might be planning an attack on Appaloosa. Ah was gonna ask if some of y'all would go check 'em out for us? Make sure they're not...y'know, gettin' ready to kill us?"
"I don't know, Braeburn." Twilight sighed. "None of us have really adapted to being scouts and reconnaissance ponies." I shot a hoof up and waved.
"Right over 'ere, wanka!" I yelled cheerfully. I was met with glares, but one pleased Braeburn. "I'll bloody do it, mates!"

"Great!" he grinned, before wrapping a hoof over my shoulder and leading me inside. "Let's git you ready, the desert ain't no place to be unequipped."

Bidding my friends goodbye, I set off; saddlebag laden with jars of apple juice, apples, a small survival knife, a shelter and binoculars. I trotted calmly into the desert as the sun set, as Braeburn had said the sun would set at 7:00. I'd spend 2 hours going there, 1 hour snooping, and probably would sleep out in the desert. The sand was pretty cool for that evening, so I decided I might cut across the desert instead of heading the long route down the road. Just when I thought it couldn't be even more calming, something shattered the silence.
More accurately, somepony.
Off on an adventure?
Yep. Got my jarate, knife, rations, shelter, and binoculars.
Hm, well good luck. Hey, is it weird if I know when you're doing something? Like when you pick something up?
Errr...I guess it is?
Oh.
Do you watch me when I'm sleeping? You know, when you're not sexually abusing my poor, defenceless body?
I do, because I have to make sure you don't try to lynch somepony in your sleep.
Nah, that's just Mondays. Probably gonna lynch some buffalo, though: or they'll lynch me.
Well, too bad. I don't know what I'd do without you.
I know what would happen if I was gone.
What would?
Your sister wouldn't get a massage/attempted back breaking.
Pffffft! Not like she wants YOU to do it. Maybe...
Yes?
...you could give me a massage?
Yep. I now have the job of Royal frickin' masseuse.
No no no, I just mean...two friends, one massaging the other. Non-public, DEFINITELY non-sexual, just friendly. Right?
I'll think about it. Besides, I have too much to do right now. If I say yes, when do you want it?
Umm...240 hours...that'd make it...at the Gala?
In public?!
No, in private of course. No guards, no press, no up-tight asshole nobles, just us.
You've been talking to me too much. 'Asshole'. Heh, it's funny when you say it.
Bitch, whore, shit, asshole, wanker, bloody, twat, fuck, bastard, cunt, dickhead. Happy?
...I think I'm in love now.
You probably were in the first place.
What? No. Definitely not. Really. No.
Awww, of course. I bet somepony just needs a hug...
Don't make me call the Robolution.
Ok, ok, you win. Want me to teleport you to the buffalo camp?
Not in the centre. I know you'll plonk me right in the middle of it. Do it, but don't be a troll. Please? I'll agree to massage you if you drop me on the cliffs surrounding it.
Very well. Get ready.