I told you to go right

Gradually, the train screeched to a halt at the station. Wheels squeaked in protest, I assume the train drivers/pulling bitches passed out when we stopped, and it was a town. Having described everything, I boldly stepped out of the door. 40 bits were in a small wallet that seemed to stick to my side with no problem, and I had every intent to buy a gun, a hat, or both. Maybe some other crap. I didn't really mind that Celestia was attempting to blind us; I could probably stare at the sun, it'd try to fry my brain, but fail because it's already broken.
"Whew, sure is hot here." Applejack claimed loudly.
"Yep." I replied as the orange mare came up beside me. We looked out over the town. "Temperature's not gonna put me off buying a hat. Hats are cool."
"Ah bet y'all wanna buy a hat." she laughed, bumping a hoof on my leg. "But first, we're gunna go meet mah cousin Braeburn."
"Alright, just don't expect me not to return with some hat."
"Make sure it's fittin' Rarity's style templates. She's been handin' 'em to all of us; she says ah can't wear fancy platform shoes, for example."
"Well, screw dat shit." I snorted. "Nopony's telling me what the hell I can and can't wear. I'm gonna frickin' wear socks and sandals, BEE-YATCH."
"Oh no you don't." Rarity chimed in. A small piece of paper bearing my cutie mark was throust into my hoof. On the other side, it had a bunch of 'Style Guidelines' pertaining to me. More specifically, everything I enjoyed. 'No sunglasses', 'None of those foul 'dog tags', especially not named ones', and my personal favourite one to ignore, 'No belts'. "You're going to follow these guides like a good little colt, and you and I will continue our glorious friendship."
"Mm. Do holsters count as belts?" I asked.
"Holsters?" she queried, cocking an eyebrow.
"Right. You know that weapon we first arrived with? The pistol?"
"Yes, go on."
"Well, holsters were specifically designed to carry such weapons in order for you to have your ha-errmmm, hooves free for your other weapon."
"Sounds fine, darling. So long as you don't have it pink: pink and blue don't mix."
Yesh. Shucshesh.
"Ok. Noted." I replied. I turned to Ebony. "Hear that, Ebony? We can wear holsters!"
"Yay!" he cheered.
"Well, let's meet this Braeburn sumbitch. Where is he?" I asked.
"Hmmm...ah dunno. Ah last came here 'bout 3-4 years ago. Said he'd either see us at 'The Salt Bar' or on this platform." Applejack replied.
"Ohhh, shame. I'd better just go and buy a gun from some shop somewhere." I sighed as I began to trot away. A sudden grabbing on my tail halted me.

"Oh, no ya don't!" Rainbow laughed. "We're meetin' this guy as a team!" In the background, I heard Sky casually humming 'America, FUCK YEAH!' to himself.

"I'm bored to hell."
"Same."
"Agreed."
"Ditto."
"Yeah."
"I once heard about some soldier on sentry duty. Got so bored he shot himself in the foot to cut the idleness. I feel like him, right now."
"Fuck you."
"Agreed."
I was no longer sure who was saying what: Applejack and the girls were inside, leaving their four boyfriends and two friends outside. Us, basically. Apparently, it was about their apple orchard or some shit, but that was worth ignoring right now.
"I want to go but a hat." I muttered. "Maybe some cigars and a lighter."
"Damn, I've always wanted a cigar." Solar replied with a groan. "And a hat."
"If it's possible, I'll buy a hat and cigars. Then, TRUE western feel. None of this 'Appaloosa Salt Drinkin' Adventure' or some shit."
"How the fuck do they get pissed from salt?" Ebony snorted from his lying down position under the oak tree shadow. "Still don't get that."
"Maybe it's Russian salt vodka piss jarate. The strongest salt." Inferno noted.
"Maybe salt here switches purposes with alcohol: salt for drink, beer for chip topping." Sky laughed.
"Maybe they just can't handle the salt." I added.
"I bet they're all Jewish." Solar muttered. We blankly stared at him for a moment, before bursting out laughing.
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?!" I wheezed.
"Well, Jewish people, like, can't...something. So they get pissed off condiments."
"I'll fucking bet they do." Fire laughed. "But seriously, Jew jokes in Equestria? Don't friggin' bring them up."
"Fine..." Solar sighed, before perking up again. "Hey, do you think they have guns here?"
"Yeah, it's a western town, I wonder if they do...?"
"If they do, Jakobs puns will be abundant." I added.
"Wanna go check it out?" Sky asked. "Maybe we can buy hats."

"Yeah." came the group reply. As we trotted off, I turned back and saw Twilight looking at us through the window. I gave her a wave, and we continued.

"Can't believe a frickin' frontier town hasn't got guns." Solar grumbled. The last shop, 'Buck Wild's Home Defence', only sold daggers, bows, crossbows, and such other primitive crap. However, I bought something reminiscent of Sniper's hat from TF2, so I was happy to use my Australian accent when I wore it.
"Okay, mate." I replied. I'd elected to sir under the oak tree again when we got back to the ranch. The girls were still inside, and since we had already used our money to buy head apparel, our plans of buying 12 salt cubes were dashed. "Wish those bloody big 'eads would finish up."
"Aye." Ebony replied, mocking Demoman.
"Da." Inferno added. "Ve fight like men; not vait around like pussies."
"But of course." Solar sighed. He was lying on top of a small bench, basking in the warmth. "I was paid to kill RED, not wait for BLU."
"We take this too far, mates." I finished. "Let's just 'ave a snooze." Before any arguments could be made, I sat against the tree, lowered my hat brow, and practically passed out.