After finding out about the rather unusual interests of my marefriend, I checked how much my cigar had burned. Almost half-way, leaving a large amount of ash on the end of it. Good, I could stub it out on one of their shoulders in the style of Gentlebot Hell. (Look that one up on YouTube, sweethearts.) I had reached one of the corridors leading to the courtyard, where I'd assume the others would be by now.
"Hey, Thunder!" I heard a guard yell. I turned, to see my good old friend Aerlion calling me over to a group of guards that were stood in a cluster.
"Aye?" I replied, trotting over.
"So, uh, Thunder..." Aerlion smirked. "We hear you have a new line of work?" All the other guards laughed quietly. "Care to expand on that?" chuckled Aerlion.
"Certainly." I replied. The group seemed surprised. "As you know, there has been a large number of assassins allowed into the castle. I am one of that number."
"Oh yeah, yeah, I heard about that rabble." cut in a guard. I recognised him as one of the two I had knocked out months ago, Serrated Edge. "But if you're an assassin, you'd be armed constantly, right? Like this?" Reaching onto his back, he pulled off a rather large, menacingly Brock Samson-style Bowie knife. Twirling it around in his hoof, as if he were proving a point, he chuckled along with the other guards. "Yep, I've had this boy for a while. Sharp enough to cut through wood, steel, flesh, bone, you name it. And what exactly might YOU, the 'trained killer', have?"
"Flip." I replied, reaching into my pocket, and pulling out the Dhoenix. Most of the guards recoiled and shielded themselves. "Yep. Had this son-of-a-bitch for a while. Powerful enough to drill holes in every single damn thing that moves. And what might your Bowie Knife have, Mr Samson?" Serrated remained silent, then chuckled.

"Well played. Off you go, we can probably discuss weapons more later today." Conversation over, the guards dissipated back to their duties and I went about mine.

When I reached the courtyard, I could see Twilight and the others trotting alongside Shining Armor, talking with him about the wedding. All around the castle courtyard, there was pretty much nothing but guards, all with an expression of alertness. By now, the end of my cigar's ashes were cold. By now I'd wasted enough time contemplating the temperature of the cigar ashes, and so began to approach the group. Lowering the brow of my hat, adjusting my jacket, and breathing, trotted in front of the 12 of them, Shining and Spike included. When I was right behind the lot of them, I cleared my throat and caused them all to jump.
"Gentlemen?" I said in a monotone voice. All I received in return were glares, and a confused expression from Shining.
"Thunder?" he asked. "I didn't think you were coming! Good to see you made it!"
"Likewise." I replied, turning my attention back to the group. "And how've YOU guys been, hm? Oh, I bet your lives were unbearable without me."
"Mine was, Thunder!" Pinkie giggled. "It was reeeeeaally boring without you in Ponyville!"
"Mm-hm." I groaned. Twilight stepped forward.
"Stop trying to change the topic, Thunder." she growled. "What you said to us and did back there was uncalled for!" In reply, I grinned smugly, pulled my cigar out of my mouth, and accomplished my life-long dream of stubbing a cigar onto somebody's shoulder. Then, I put in back in my mouth and rubbed a hoof on her head.
"I missed you too." I chuckled.
"I didn't miss you." Twilight muttered, before speaking up. "Why didn't you listen to us, rather than just leaving? It was stupid of you."
"Was it?" I shot back. "What job do you have?" I received some confused mumblings from Twilight. "WHAT. FUCKING. JOB." I snarled.
"L-Librarian..."
"Really? Oh, well, that's interesting, because I have a new job already despite my broken wing. You know what it is? FUCKING MURDER." There was silence, before they all burst out laughing.
"Y-You're kidding, right?!" Rainbow snorted, leaning on Applejack to support herself whilst laughing. "You're so bad at lying!"
"Am I?" I replied, feigning surprise. "Then how the FUCK do you explain THIS, bitch?" I pulled out Flip, which I had taken the liberty of keeping unloaded, and put it right under her mouth. Everypony froze, Spike didn't know what was going on, and Shining was still confused as well. "Hm? Any ideas on how to explain it? No?"
Suddenly, it was tugged right out of my hoof by a purple aura. Now my weapon was beside Twilight, aimed right at me whilse all the others moved beside her with smug grins on their faces like they'd won this verbal and death-threat argument. "Well, I think you'd better surrender, Thunder. We win." Twilight smirked victoriously.
"You only win a fight like this when somepony's dead." I replied calmly, not even raising my hooves in surrender of any kind.
Thunder, have you gone NUTS?! She may be young, but she probably will shoot you. Just tell them you can talk it ou-
It's not even loaded. She can pull the trigger if she wants, but it won't injure me in any way. All it'll do is prove that, no offense to you, she's a bitch.
Hm, it's a point. But what're you going to do when they realise it isn't loaded?
Do the Harlem Shake Probably buy them a few drinks to apologise, and ask to become a personal protector for the lot of 'em. Think that'll work?
Thunder, you're the man with the plan, so I'm in no position to say if it will or won't. It's worth a shot when you don't get shot.
Quote of the Week, besides one Luna said earlier. Here we go.
"...so, y'all planning to surrender any time soon?" Applejack asked.
"Nope." I replied. Twilight sighed.
"Well, Thunder, you had a good run. But there always comes a time where you have to put a mad dog down." The pistol raised to my head. "I-I'm sorry it had to come to this." I saw a single tear come to her eye, before she closed them. Everypony else looked away.
Klik.
"HAAAAAAA! LOL! I SO TOTALLY GOT YOU!" I yelled, laughing in their faces. Now it was my turn to laugh. I couldn't tell if they were laughing, shouting, or angry, mostly because I was laughing. Then, I stopped and serioused up. "Alright, that was cruel. As an apology, I owe you all drinks of your choosing at the bar, and I can add onto that offer if you want." There was silence.
"Are you kidding?" Inferno said. "That'd be...good."
"Well, I suppose." Twilight muttered, facehoofing. "He's offering us the opportunity to empty his savings by buying us expensive drinks, and he's willing to expand in his apology. Girls?"
"Ah think it's our chance to get some revenge fer scarin' us like that." Applejack replied. "Alright, I'll accept."
"Well, OK." Fluttershy whispered. "I'm not fussed. Whatever's alright with you."
"Certainly." Rarity added. "I, personally, know the most expensive drink in that bar, so I'll buy that. That puts me on even ground with Thunder." Just as Pinkie began verse 42, line 653, Rainbow cut her off.
"I'm not forgiving this guy!" she snorted, folding her hooves and pointing her snout in the air. "He scared us badly, threatened me, and then tried getting forgiveness! No! I'm not dealing with him anymore!"
"Your loss." I replied. "And just when I got to know the Wonderbolts on a personal level..."
"I'm in!" Rainbow said excitedly, flying into my face. "Apology accepted!" Everypony laughed.
"OK, I'm on board as well." Twilight added. "Guys? What do you thi-"
"Nope."
"Negatory."
"Nah."
"Mm."
"Oh, COME ON." I said loudly. "Why not?"
"You threatened my marefriend."
"You're a dick."
"You're always in charge."
"You're too boastful."
"Fine. I was going to add in my services as security for you lot to the offer, meaning you could demoralize me for the rest of the week by giving me stupid tasks, but if that's something you don't want..." I trailed off. 3...2...1...
"Alrighty then!"
"Yes!"
"Aye!"
"Mmhmm."
"Well, we're settled then." Twilight smiled, extending a hoof. "Welcome back to the group, Thundy."

"I hope I'll have the money to pay for later..." I chuckled, shaking her hoof. "Now can I have my gun back?"

"So," Luna whispered as we both lay in the afterglow. "Did you make up with them?"
"Yes, I did." I replied, brushing a hoof through her fur. "The terms of the apology included me buying them whatever drinks they wanted down in the bar-"
"That must have been expensive." she chuckled lightly.
"-and also acting as personal security for them during the wedding. Did I ever tell you ~~the definition of insanity~~ how warm your body is?"
"Well, that's kind of you." she giggled. "Yours is so small and cold, for some reason. Did I not warm you up a few minutes ago?"
"How am I cold?" I asked, reaching down and grabbing my foreleg. To my surprise, it was incredibly cold, almost like ice. "What the hell...?" I stuttered. Luna looked terrified.
"A-Are you feeling alright?" she asked quickly.
"Yes, perfectly fine." I replied, getting out of bed and standing up. "Has this ever happened to anypony you've loved or slept with before?"
"You're the first pony I've loved." she answered, standing up beside me. "We should go look in the archives to see if there's anything on this. Maybe Tia knows something about it, I don't know. But we still need to get you checked out." Quickly, we both cantered out the door and to the castle doctor.

Author's Note

Maybe Michael Rosen knows something about this. It might be a case of DiAHreeAH. (Kudos to anybody who's seen that video.)