I gained very little attention as I went through Canterlot. Well, for somepony wearing steel-toe-capped buffalo skin boots, a torn-to-shit slouch, and a coat. In spite of the few glares from what I assume were fashion designers, I kept my frustrated glare firmly forward, to where I knew my targets would be. Wow, the name 'targets' or 'target' really changes meaning when your new job is murder. I just noticed that.
Anyway, just as I reached the train station, a train was pulling in as though my stern glare made it go fucking faster. I stepped onto the platform, and began to scan the carriages for the...hold on...11? Yeah, 10 ponies that had taken the piss. Ebony was the only one who listened to both sides, me not wanting the surgery, and the other 10 just being a bunch of dicks about it, and made the decision that I was holding all the cards. And they were all full houses: ace of fours.*
Before any more references to small robots voiced by British comedians could be made, there was a distinctive bouncing sound.
Shit, it's Pinkie.
HI, THUNDER!
Oh, bollocks. It's you.
DID YA MISS ME, THUNDY? HUHHUHHUH?
No.
WELL I MISSED YOU, SILLY-BILLY!
Don't care.
WE-
Say one more word in my head and I will trot the fuck over there and AWP the shit out of your head, then fucking piss petrol onto your corpse and flick a cigarette onto it. Now shut up.
The sound of a rather overly-dramatic gasp of shock came from my left. Smirking slightly, as getting Pinkie Pie to shut up is something I hadn't accomplished for a year, I looked over. Stood outside a train carriage, glaring at me like I was some kind of profanity-spewing psychopathic assassin, were all 10 of the others, plus Spike, who was still awesome. Twilight was stood at the helm, as usual. Calmly, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my second to last cigar, and lit it. As if on cue to make me seem like some kind of G-Man, the train let out a thick jet of steam that washed over the entire platform and created a temporary wall between me and the others.
Taking the chance, I cantered off the platform, and into the streets. From my best guess, when the steam dissipated I'd be gone in a rather creepy G-Man style. Next, I stood beside a market stand that would be a fleeting glimpse when they left the station. Sure enough, Twilight trotted off the platform, talking quite happily to Inferno. Just as I saw her eyes dart to me, and widen in surprise, I adjusted a non-existent tie. I couldn't make out what she said to the others, but it definitely involved them running after me.
"Ugh, merde." I muttered, tapping a hoof on the ground as they began to charge towards me, all looking very determined. Hmmm...I suppose I could talk with them, but where's the fun? I might just bugger them about for a bit, but how...? My eyes fell onto a rather likely looking Dhoenix holstered to my leg, the butterfly knife in my pocket, my standard issue invisibility pocket watch, and a small packet of cigarettes. I still have no idea why they were even in my pocket.
"Thunder!" I heard Twilight yell. "Stay right there!" I chuckled at her order, and pulled out the watch.
"But of course." I replied, pressing the timer on the side of the watch. "But first you shall have to find me. Ohohohoho." The effects were instantaneous: nothing. I pressed it again. Nothing.
Clik.
Clik.clik.clik.clik.
I looked at the small device, opening the lid frantically. It was a normal stopwatch. "Oh, merde." I groaned, facehoofing. The group was approaching fast now, forming a small alley in the crowds due to how recognised they were. Some eyes, however, were on me. And if some eyes were on me, they could see I was armed. And if they could see I was armed, shit.
I glanced around one final time, before I remembered something. The Thunder Tooth Kickers. I looked down at the brown furry footwear. Designed perfectly to fit inside an idiot's mouth.
"Hey!" Rainbow yelled from above. "Don't try anything funny!" Idiot's mouth. Speak of the devil.
"I won't." I snarled, turning and cocking the über-destructive-rear-pulse-shotgun-RPG-cannon-scarab-piston-guns that were my rear legs. "Item testing is a damned serious BUISNESS." After I said that, I let loose the most powerful kick I could muster.
And it turned out I missed, because I was promptly lifted into the air by a certain cyan mare and vanilla mare. The floor said 'kay fuck u bitch imma go away nao', as I was pulled up further and further.
"Put me the fuck down, you ~~damn dirty apes~~ assholes!" I yelled.

"Well, don't try and run, Thunder!" Rainbow shouted back. "We know you're perpetually angry, but just let it g-"

There was a bright flash of blue, as I felt myself free from the grips of two mares and touching land again. I was now on top of a tower, with rather empty ambience coming from a small record player. On the balcony, however, sat Princess Luna, gazing through a telescope.
"So," she began, as I trotted up beside her and sat down. "They decided to attack you?"
"Apparently they didn't want me to run." I sighed. "Thanks, by the way."
"No problem, love." she giggled, leaning over and issuing a hug. "You really do seem to have a way with getting attacked by mares."
"Not my fault. They just seriously dislike my face."
"They dislike your face, I like your ass."
"Aw, you do? Thanks."
"Don't mention it. Now, we need to find a way to stop them from being asses about it."
"I want to shoot them."
"Besides that being illegal, immoral, stupid, and ammunition wasting, it's also rather hard to do when you're pinned to the ground by all 10 of them. What about talking to them?" I put on my Nicolas Cage face. "OK, OK, stupid idea. Why not just greet them inside the castle?"
"Good idea, but Sky, Rainbow, Solar, and Twilight would be highly likely to try attacking me instead. Any other ideas, or is that the only option?"
"Only option." Luna sighed, before pulling me into her using her wing. "I know you don't want to speak with them again after they told you what they really think of you, but are they the ones who became assassins? No. You are, so you therefore hold all cards, chips, and the felt, just because the fabric feels good."
"I think you just earned Quote of the Week, Lulu." I chuckled, placing a hoof on her chest. "Are you going to come with me to meet them?"
"Can't."
"Why?"
"2 reasons. One, I have to keep an eye out for threats. Two, I'm watching two lesbians on a balcony."
"You're into that stuff?!" I spat out my imaginary coffee.
"Kinda." she shrugged, blushing slightly. "I always wondered what it's be like with a mare, but now's not the time to discuss it. You go greet them." I turned to leave. "And Thunder?"
"Yes?" I replied.
"Give me back my regalia."

Author's Note

*Portal 2 reference. Internet shotgun-to-the-face for anybrony that gets it.