Friendship+Magic=Total Crap

"So that will be 75 bits for the broke wheel, 20 bits to get it cleaned, and another 20 to PAY FOR A HOTEL!"

What should have been a 5 minute trip down the a dirt road had become a 30 minute disaster orchestrated by Equestria's most incompetent stallion, whose idiocy rivals that of the infamous Prance Legstrong. To add insult to injury, Trixie had quickly come to the bitter conclusion that a night in Ponyville was unavoidable. And she was running out of bits FAST.

"Uh huh." I replied, trying to give my sore legs a break. "Is that alot of money?"

"Yes. Yes it is." Trixie said, giving her precious cart a forlorn look. "We haven't even made it to the city limits." She muttered, tossing a quick glare at the worn stallion.

Letting loose a small sigh, Trixie turned to face her assistant. " You have to be the worst assistant Trixie has EVER seen. You managed to put Trixie's illustrious career in jeopardy in half an hour. What is Trixie going to do now?"

"Hey it isn't that bad." I replied, trying my best to soothe the crestfallen mare. "Just give it a night to come up with a plan and we'll be back on the road in no time!"

"Whatever!" Trixie sneered, making her way back to the ruined cart. "You better pray that Trixie has enough bits to get to Canterlot! Now GET MOVING!"

"Wait." I whispered, looking at the small town. "Do you see something?" In the distance I could just pick out the shape of something pink moving towards us.

"See what? All Trixie can see is a town filled with petty little foals." Trixie wasn't interested. What she was interested in was the scandal surrounding the death of a local blacksmith. Apparently he had gone insane and tried to craft HIMSELF as a sword. But thats not important.

"I'm serious! It's moving this way and it's REALLY pink!" Narrowing my eyes, I could just BARELY pick out the pink blur. I didn't know what it was but it was closing in quickly. And it looked happy.....A little to happy.

"T-Trixie?" I called, staring in horror at the pink missile.

"What now?" she replied, lounging on the cart with her nose still buried in a issue of Mares Monthly. "If you want something to eat there's grass everywhere."

"IT'S NOT STOPPING!" I cried, trying to make a quick escape in the opposite direction.

Whatever it was, it launched itself at its prey with deadly precision landing squarely on the stallions back reducing the two to a rolling ball of fur.

"WHAT IS GOING IN HERE?" Trixie shouted, still perched safely on her mobile home.

After a few more seconds of struggle, The pink killer finally managed to slam her prey on its back in a display of physical dominance. To add to this horrible show of cruelty the victor wore a bright smile on her face, reveling in yet another easy introduction to Ponyville.

"OHMYGOSHYOU'REANEWPONYAREN'TYOU!" The mare screamed, with her over excited face pressed against the brown stallions. "YOUARE!I'VENEVERSEENABROWNSTALLIONWITHGREENEYESBEFORE! JUSTWAITUNTILFLUTTERSHYMEETSYOU!!!"

GASP "But what are you doing with meanie mcjerk face!?" She asked, giving the showmare a half lidded glare, daring her to make a wrong move.

"Get off me WOMAN!" I screamed, trying, and failing, to move the pink pony. Even with a full grown stallion under her, screaming and squirming, she managed to ignore his pleas and focus her attention on the showmare.

"What are YOU doing back here!?" she hissed, both hooves raised like a scorpions tail, ready to strike her foe down at a moments notice.

"Trixie can go wherever she wishes! You should be glad you can bask in Trixie presence for a day!" she replied smoothly, her head held high in a show of pride and confidence.

'Okie dokie lokie." It was really quite the standoff, but I was being crushed under the mares weight.

"OHMYGOSH!!!INEEDTOGETYOURPARTYSTARTED!" The pink psychopath screamed, before dashing her way back into town.

After a few seconds of silence, Trixie gave another depressed sigh and returned to her magazine. "Lets just get moving."

"Alright." I replied, starting the grueling process of retying myself to the cart. "And I thought you didn't have a couple of fans!"

"GET MOVING!"

20 painful minutes later

Plop!

Glad that the agony was over, I finally had a chance to throw myself into the cool, welcoming dirt. "Oh GOD this feels amaaaazing!"

After an earful from Trixie on cart driving etiquette, We finally found a decent hotel "suitable enough for Trixie".

"Trixie we're here!" I called, stilled laying in the dirt. Throughout the entire trip I had heard almost nothing from Trixie, other than the occasional whisper giving me directions or her giving me a quick lecture on who has the right of way in a cart.

"Shhhhh! No one can know Trixie is here!" She hissed, hiding behind the carts door..

"Okay. HONEY WE'RE HERE!" I screamed, drawing plenty attention from the locals. "Oh it's okay guys! She's just really shy!"

"Shut up you idiot!" Trixie hissed, stepping out with a black cloak covering most of her angry form. "They'll kick us out if they now Trixie is staying here!"

"Lets just rent a room alright." pinking myself up. "I could REALLY use a shower."

Comfort's Stable. A nice, two story hotel far enough away from town to keep from attracting any unwanted attention. I really didn't get why Trixie went to such lengths to hide from people. Everyone seemed so nice and so happy, Eventually I was starting to walk around with a smile!

What could ANYONE do to get these people to turn on them?I thought, pushing my way through a set of wooden doors. After some thought, I figure that it would be better if I didn't press for an answer.

Looking into the main lobby, I noticed a yellow coated, blue maned stallion snoring, with his head resting on the counter.

"Hey!" I called, walking up to the drool covered counter. "Hey buddy. Wake up......WAKE UP!"

That did the job. "W-what!? OH! W-welcome to Comfort's Stable. Let me just wipe that up." Embarrassed at his previous state, the stallion reached into his messy mane and produced a small white rag.

After scrubbing the counter down, he looked back at me with a cheesy "I fucked up, please don't tell my boss" look. "So what can I do for you?"

"Well my wife and I really need a place to stay for the- WILL YOU GET OVER HERE!"

You think someone so cocky and so arrogant would have a little more confidence in herself. Not Trixie. In an act of courage and honor, Trixie had taken it upon herself to guard the entrance from ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. And she refused to budge from her spot.

Leaning closer to the perplexed stallion, I pointed a hoof "at my wife". "I'm sorry about my wife's behavior. She a little "slow". Had an accident when she was a foal and she hasn't been right since"

"Well I'm sorry to hear that." he replied, giving the stunned Trixie a small wave.

"So how much is it for a room anyway?" I asked

"10 bits a night, including the cost for room service." He answered, giving Trixie an occasional glance. "Is she gonna be alright? She looks a little...sweaty."

"It's alright. Shes just in heat"

"Husband, don't you think you should RENT A ROOM?" Trixie called, still tucked away in the corner of the lobby. "You don't want to keep me waiting DO YOU?"

"J-just sign here." the stallion stuttered, pulling a small clipboard from under the counter. "Sign on the dotted line."

"A-alright." My biggest challenge yet. Writing.

I failed that challenge miserably. After an embarrassing ten minutes fumbling with the pen, Trixie finally decided to intervene and sign it herself while she gave me a venomous glare with a "wait until we get into the room" look written all over it. After that we finally got our key and ascended a flight of stairs.'

"Room 8." I told the fuming Trixie, who finally worked up the nerve to remove her hood. "Over there."

A yellow door with a small number 8 painted on the doorway.

"Ladies first?" I said, holding the door open.

Pushing past me, Trixie led the way into a small blue room with two queen-sized beds taking up most of the space. A single window sat in the back of the room, opposite the doorway, allowing any visitor a great view of the pony filled streets below.

Trixie didn't give two shits though. With a huff, Trixie plopped herself on a bed and buried her face in a small pink pillow. Trying to calm herself down in the midst of a very harsh situation.

"Trixie?" worried about the small mare and the fact that she hasn't beaten me yet, I sat myself down on the other bed and waited for a response. "If you're mad about the cart I'll find a way to pay you back."

Is she crying?

"Trixie whats wrong?" I whispered, leaning closer to mare.

"Nothings wrong you idiot." she said, her face still buried in the pillow.

"I may be stupid, but I know when a pony is lying to me. So spill the beans Trixie!"

With that, Trixie launched a tear stained pillow at my face. "You want to know what Trixie's problem is!?" She screamed, with tears in her eyes threatening to spill over once more. "She was SUPPOSED to be the greatest magician of all time! But look at her now! Reduced to slinking around like a thief! Trixie isn't a magician shes a FAILURE!"

"W-what!? What about that show in Canterlot?" I couldn't believe what I was seeing! A strong, hardheaded mare had been reduced to a fit of tears and sniffles.

"Trixie hasn't had a decent show in almost a year!" She cried, rubbing her eyes with her hooves. "I'm not going back to Canterlot to put on another show. I'm going back to see if Trixie's father will take her back in."

"It couldn't be tha-"

"SHUT UP! Trixie can't even afford to pay to have her cart repaired." Whimpering, she turned her back on me. "Just leave Trixie alone. She just needs some time to think."

"Well why can't you put on a show here in Ponyville?" I replied, pointing a hoof towards the open window.

Just outside that window was a town filled with activity. Little foals running through the streets playing their little games, mares gossiping about the cutest stallions, and a group gathering around the bakery, excited about Pinkie's "Welcome to Ponyville" party for a new pony in town. All of them had something  to be happy about. To bad Trixie couldn't relate at the moment.

"You'll find out why sooner or later." She muttered, still facing the wall. "Just leave."

"Alright." I said, making my way out of the room. "I'll bring you a cinnamon roll or something."

After making a request to the stallion at the counter to watch over my "wife", I finally left the hotel.

Initially the town looked easy enough to navigate. Now I had no clue on what to do or where to go. To make matters worse, the citizens of Ponyville decided that yellow EVERYTHING was a good idea.

"Hmmmm. Hey! Dude with the red coat!" I called, waving a hoof at a large stallion. "Can you help me out?"

"Eeyup." For a pony, I was a big enough size to take care of myself but this guy was HUGE! He was atleast a foot taller, 60 pounds heavier, and to add to his air of superiority he had a flock of mares following him.

"He's so dreamy!" One sighed, causing whispers of agreement. "Look at all of that muscle!' One squeed, causing the others to giggle. "And check out that FLANK!" One exclaimed, hopping in place. This got a loud squeal of delight from the group.

COUGH "Anyway. Ya think you can point me to a bakery? The wife's in a bad mood and I could really use something to help her relax right about now."

This got me a look of sympathy from the stallion, who I'm sure has a bit of an idea on how a mare can get. With a quick nod, he pointed a red hoof down the street behind me. "Follow the road and take a left. You'll run into Ponyville's best bakery."

With that he went on his way, leading the herd of mares with him.

Just down the road and to the left. I thought, as I made my way to sugary salvation.

Compared to Texas, this place wasn't that bad. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood and a few even waved at me! If someone waved at you in Borger, it was probably to start a fight or to dismiss you. As cheesy as it was to think, I felt right at home here.

"Hey dude. Hows it goin. " A voice said, a little to close for comfort.

"Huh?" Turning to my right, I noticed the mare that had apparently accompanied me on my trek to the bakery.

"I said HOW IS IT GOING?" From the first glance, I could tell that the mare was pretty athletic, with a decently toned body covered in cyan fur, and a attention grabbing, white mane to go with here spring green eyes. "What? Never talk to a mare before?"

"Lady, mares can barely keep their hooves off of me!" I replied, trying to stay cool in front of my unexpected companion.

"Whatever chump!" she laughed, punching, and possibly shattering, my ribs,

"Hehehehe. Y-ya know me." I whimpered, fighting back tears of pain. "Always cracking jokes." Oh god the agony!

"My names Fleetfoot." She said, doing a mock salute. "Finally taking some time off from the military"

"Greenlight. Doing all the cool stuff I usually do when I haven't eaten in a while." I replied, giving the same mock salute. "What did you enlist as anyway? The executioner?"

"Funny. I'm actually a sergeant in the Wonderbolts!" She exclaimed, a bright smile growing on her face. "One more promotion and I'll be with the best of the best!"

"Thats PRETTY cool. I guess."

"PRETTY COOL?" Fleeftoot gawked, shocked at the stallions blatant arrogance. "What do YOU do!? Huh chump?"

"Time to strut my stuff! "Well if you MUST know. I'm the one and only Tic-tac-toe champion AND the greatest eater this world has ever SEEN!" I replied, putting on the most badass strut I could manage.

"OH MY!" Fleetwing cried sarcastically. "I must be in the presence of the next Starswirl the Bearded! Do you mind if I have an autograph oh great one?"

"Damn right you can! That'll be about 300 bits." I said nonchalantly, looking back down the road at my upcoming turn. "Where are you headed anyway."

"SugarCube Corner. I heard that there was new pony coming into town and everyone knows that Pinkie throws the best welcome parties! You would have to be an idiot to miss out!"

"Will they have cinnamon rolls at this "Party" " I asked, feigning stupidity.

"They'll have everything." She said, chuckling at my show idiocy. "You'll know SugarCube Corner when you see it chump."

Coming to the end of the road, I finally took the left turn and came face to face with the greatest things I had seen in a LONG time. A giant cupcake. Not just any giant cupcake,but a cupcake house being filled with ponies and pastries of all sizes and shapes. Cupcakes, cookies, cakes, pie, sweet rolls, jello and pudding, and a shit ton of ice cream!

"Oh god," I whispered, with a small tear rolling down my cheek. " It's beautiful."

"Are you okay champ?" Fleetfoot said, patting me on my back.

"It's AMAZING!" I squeed, giving a little hop of excitement. "Is this heaven?"

"Nope. It's Ponyville. Lets get inside before they eat everything."