Past HELP!

Past HELP!

Parody of the cult from Past Sins by Pen Stroke and HELP!

Written by That Gamer!

PART 1.1

Three trees away from Celestia's palace, there was a cult. A cult of worshipers of the one and only Nightmare Moon (not THAT cult, the other one). On any other night, they would be discussing the various ways they could steal the featured box, but, tonight, they decided to finally do something useful involving their little group: Resurrect Nightmare Moon! I mean, why worship something that isn't even alive?... Wait...

"We are gathered here tonight," the cult leader, Suxus, announced to the other members, "to finally get Nightmare Moon back into the world!"

"We would hath been here earlier, but we hath been booked-eth for months!" Luna explained. Oh, right, she was strapped down, face-up, on top of a mini Stonehenge, which was, in turn, in front of a cauldron.

"No need to apologize, Luna," Suxus told Luna. "We just need to get your blood, then we can bring Her back to life and we can rule Equestria!"

Luna rolled her eyes. "Great, now we can please speed-eth this up?" she asked impatiently. "We doth have an appointment in an hour or two."

"You finally come here any you're still booked?" Suxus asked back.

"Sadly," Luna replied.

"Well, moving on," Suxus continued, "Tufnel! If you would hand me the Moonil..."

The member in question nodded and quickly came up to where Suxus was standing. Quickly, he hoofed over the Moonil. Don't ask.

"In the name of eternal night, who has the four stars, who has the tempo of the moon," Suxus ranted, preparing to stab Luna with the Moonil, "who has a hard day's night, who has the ink lines on books, who has science, who has wolf and ponies, I STAB-ETH-"

"Hey, Suxus, I just noticed something," Tufnel interrupted Suxus.

"Oh, you have got to be KIDDING ME!" Suxus shouted, looking angrily at Tufnel.

"I'm not kidding you, I really noticed something," Tufnel said with a shrug.

Suxus growled. "What! What did you notice?!" he demanded. "That I'm about to sacrifice Luna and get her blood?!... And you guys were supposed to be chanting with me!"

"No, she's missing that ring you told me she has to were," Tufnel pointed out, pointing at where the ring was supposed to go.

Sure enough, Suxus looked and the ring was missing. There was supposed to be this kind of red-moon ring on her right hoof.

"What the-!" Suxus was dumbstruck. "You were supposed to wear it!"

"It wasn't really out style," Luna snapped. "We mean, we wore it for one day, but then we realized how stupid we looked. So, we doth sent it off to somepony else."

"You IDIOT!" Suxus exclaimed, furious. I mean, wouldn't you be?

"Don't insult me; you should be lucky I even decided to come here," Luna said matter-of-factly.

"I OUGHTA STAB YOU RIGHT NOW!"

"But if you stab her without the ring, then we won't be able to resurrect Nightmare Moon!" Tufnel reminded Suxus.

"I know that!" Suxus yelled.

"Speaking of the ring, why does she need it?" one of the 5 cult members who wasn't Suxus or Tufnel shouted.

"We hath been thinking that as well..." Luna said. "Along with why we need to be red."

"It's... I-it's an aesthetics thing!" Suxus replied. "You wouldn't get it..."

"I get it's stupid."

"Oh shut up, Nyx!" Suxus snapped. He blinked, thought about who he just told to shut up, shook it off and spoke to Luna: "Who did you send it to?"

Luna thought about it for a moment. "Twilight Sparkle... We doth think," she muttered.

"And where is she?" Suxus asked.

"PonyVille... Our memory be-eth a little foggy..." Luna said. "If you will let us get-eth our mailing record-"

"Oh, forget it!" Suxus interrupted Luna. "We're going to PonyVille to get that ring!"

Tufnel blinked. "Do we really need that ring?"

"It's an aesthetics thing!" Suxus repeated himself. "Now come on! We leave tomorrow!"

But, just before Suxus could leave his platform, another cult member, Lunar Siren, ran up to him.

"Hold everything!" Lunar shouted. "We don't need the ring!"

Suxus raised an eyebrow. "And why won't we need the ring?"

"I got this the same day Luna wore her ring," Lunar bragged. S/he pulled out a bottle and showed it to Suxus. "It just so happened that she donated her blood that day!"

"You managed to get her donated blood?!" Suxus was shocked.

"Well, I'm not exactly sure if I did..." Lunar muttered, looking at said bottle.

"What do you mean 'you're not sure'?"

"Is this supposed to have 'Moonlit Dew' on the front?"

Quickly, Suxus grabbed the bottle from Lunar and inspected it closely.

"This is cherry Moonlit Dew, you moron!" Suxus exclaimed, throwing the bottle at Lunar. "You are so not coming with us to PonyVille!"

And with that, Suxus angrily stormed away. The rest of the cult members exchanged confused glances, shrugged, and also left.

"...Is anypony going to undo-eth our straps?!" Luna wondered aloud.