Past HELP!

PAST HELP!

Parody of the cult from Past Sins by Pen Stroke and HELP!

Written by That Gamer!

PART 1.2

"Twilight, I somehow didn't notice that ring until now," Rarity muttered, her, Twilight, Rainbow and Applejack taking a walk for no good reason. "Where in Equestria did you get it?"

"Luna sent it to me," Twilight explained. "Why, Rarity, dear old FrIeNd? Do you want it?"

"No, I was just going to say that it looks good on you," Rarity said.

"I dunno, it kind of looks contrastin' if ya ask me,"Applejack commented.

"And why would that be?" Rarity enquired.

"It's red on purple," Applejack pointed out. "Does that look good to you?"

"I can take it off!" Twilight offered, a MAGICK aura appearing around the ring.

Rainbow Dash, who was more-or-less flying then walking, put a hoof on Twilight's horn, cutting off the MAGICK. "Eh, you could be wearing something worse," Rainbow said.

"Like what?" Twilight asked.

"I dunno, I'm not a fashion maniac like Rarity," Rainbow replied.

"I'm not a maniac!" Rarity said, offended.

"Ya kind of are," Applejack agreed. "No offence."

"It's kind of late for that," Rarity told Applejack.

"I at least tried to apologize for her!" Applejack snapped.

"Apologize for me?!" Rainbow repeated. "Are you suggesting I can't apologize by myself?!"

"Well, if you can apologize yourself, why didn't you?" Applejack retorted.

"You were the one who agreed with me!" Rainbow shot back.

"So neither of you are going to say you're 'sorry'!?" Rarity asked the two of them.

"Of course we're going to!" was Applejack's answer.

"As long as I can do it myself!" was Dashie's answer.

"Um... Girls?" Twilight spoke up.

"What?"

"I just wanted to know if Rainbow could let go of my horn..." Twilight muttered. "I'm kinda gettin' off to it."

"Oh, right." Rainbow Dash quickly let go of Twilight's horn and landed.

A few moments of silence went by.

"By the way, why were you flying?" Twilight asked Rainbow Dash. "You're blind, remember? Isn't that supposed to be kind of... Dangerous?"

"Speaking of being blind, how do you know what Twilight's wearing if you can't see two feet in front of your own dang face?" Rarity added.

Rainbow thought for a couple seconds, then gave up with thinking about that. "So, where to now?"

"Don't try to change the question," Rarity said.

Applejack shushed Rarity.

"Well... We can all go to my place," Twilight suggested.

There were a few mutters of agreement and it was settled: Twilight's place it was.

As they arrived, nopony noticed Lyra and Bonbon watching the four enter through four separate doors. Why Twilight had that installed, I'll never know.

"C'mon, Lyra, wave," Bonbon, waving, said to Lyra.

"Why should I?" Lyra asked. "They did nothing to indicate that I should wave back."

"Just do it," Bonbon said flatly. "You don't have to be such a put-downer all the time."

"I'm pretty sure there's a better word you could have used-OW!" Lyra got cut of by Bonbon elbowing her. "I'll wave! Fawst!"

Bonbon nodded in satisfaction and the two waved at the foursome, who were still trying to get in.

"Such nice mares, aren't they?" Bonbon questioned Lyra.

"Yeah, I guess," Lyra grumbled, still a little sore over Bonbon elbowing her.

"They have both princesses on their side, they've saved Equestria four times over, bear the Elements of Harmony..." Bonbon listed off the various reasons why they were 'nice mares'. "All they're missing is fan support of Derpy!"

"Well, we have some fan support as well," Lyra pointed out.

"I mean Derpy, me and you," Bonbon corrected herself.

Meanwhile, back with two-thirds of the Elements Of Harmony, Rarity finally got her door open and signalled for the others to go in through hers. Twilight and Applejack complied, Twilight going first since Applejack had to drag Dashie in.

"I'll have to remind you to about getting these doors removed later," Applejack said to Twilight, her mouth full of hair.

"Yeah, I don't know why I did that," Twilight said, waving back at Lyra and Bonbon before shutting the door. "It's like the grass rug."

"You have a grass rug?" Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Rarity asked in unison.

"She does and it's just as stupid as the four doors," Spike confirmed. "And it's ridiculous how she has me cut it."

There was a shared moment of quiet, before Rarity spoke up: "You have been taking your pills, right?"

"I'll get rid of it later!" Twilight snapped. "Now do what you're going to do!"

More scattered mutters and the four went about their business: Rarity went over to Twilight's bookshelf, scanned through the books, turned a secret compartment around, tapped a couple books, took a book out, opened it, took a different book, opened that, took a third book out, put it back on the shelf, spun it around a couple times, scanned through the books once again and just gave up, picking up a book from the floor and reading it.

Rainbow Dash wandered off and happened to end up next to Spike.

"So... How do you cut the grass rug?" Rainbow enquired Spike.

"Wind-up teeth Twilight borrowed from Pinkie," Spike answered.

Dashie nodded. "By the way, I walked over it and it felt kinda tall," she told Spike. "Get on that, will ya?"

A small grumble came from Spike (something about finding Twilight's medication) and he started to "mow" the grass.

Applejack went to the basement and found an organ. "Hey, Twi, you gots an organ down here!" she called up.

"I do?"

"Yeah, ya do! Look!" And, with that, the floor opened up and Applejack came up with an organ.

Twilight blinked in surprise and Applejack played a short riff.

"You have a very strange library, Twilight," Rarity commented, not even looking up.

"My question is why ya have comic books instead of sheet music," Applejack said, rubbing her chin. "Why do ya have Rainbow Dash's Dairn' Do comic?"

"It sucks!" Rainbow complained. "I don't want it anyways!"

"And you have the real Daring Do, so you don't need it," Twilight said, going over to some kind of fridge in the wall and getting something out of it. "Speaking of which, how's it been going with you and her?"

"Fine, aside from me not being able to see her," Rainbow Dash replied. She was still trying to listening to Spike's grass cutting.

There was a small mumble of approvement from Twilight. She went over to a second food-thing, this one holding sandwiches, and reached a hoof through one of the slots to grab one. But something grabbed her hoof.

"Something's grabbed me hoof," Twilight told the other girls.

"Your grammar is pretty bad, Twilight," Applejack noted, absent-mindely fiddling with the organ. "Just a second ago, it was fine, but now..."

"It doesn't matter, something had my hoof!" Twilight shouted. Then that something bit Twilight's hoof: "OW! Buck!"

"Hey, man, did you just swear?"Rarity asked Twilight.

Twilight didn't reply. Instead, she yanked her hoof out of whatever was holding her, went over to some kind of chair thing, sat on it and rubbed the hoof holding her sandwich.

"Something bit me hoof," Twilight murmured, sad for no good reason.

"Are you trying to direct attention towards yourself? Rainbow enquired.

Twilight rolled her eyes and sighed. "I just got BIT!" she shouted at Dashie. "Why do you think I'm trying to get some attention?"

"Sandwiches are deadly?" Rainbow Dash suggested.

Twilight frowned.

Meanwhile, outside the library, Suxus was sharpening an umbrella on some kinda ice cream vendor thing and Tufnel was waiting for him to finish. Lunar Siren walked up just then.

"I couldn't get it off," Lunar sadly informed Suxus.

"Did you try biting it off?" Suxus asked.

"Yeah, but I accidentally bit myself a couple times," Lunar said, rubbing a bite wound.

Suxus groaned. "Can't you do anything right? And why did we bring him!?"

"He can bite himself," Tufnel suggested. "And as for why he came-"

"I don't care!" Suxus told Tufnel. "Anyways, we're going to have to resort to plan C."

"What happened to plan B?" Tufnel asked.

"It hasn't been approved yet," Suxus explained. "Now, c'mon, let's go somewhere else while we wait. We meet back here at night."

Suxus gave Tufnel back his umbrella and motored off. Tufnel shrugged and went off to get something more effective. Lunar went off to get some more Moonlit Dew.

That night, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity decided to stay the night at Twilight's house, mainly because Spike wanted them to help him find Twilight's medication. Funny enough, they were all sleeping where they were earlier: Rarity by the bookshelf, Twilight on the chair thing (with a blanket for comfort), Applejack next to the organ and Rainbow Dash lay next to Spike. No pairing, it's just, y'know.

Near midnight, however, a light shone through the window. A... Purple light. It first shone on Rainbow Dash and decided nothing was there. Then the light went onto Spike. Nothing was there either, then it went onto Rarity. Then it jittered as somepony slapped who ever was holding the light. So it decided to shine on Twilight. Next to where Twilight was sleeping, a metal claw thing came through a random hole in the wall. It went to the front of the covers, where Twilight's head would naturally be. The claw pulled said covers off and found... Hind hooves. Confused, the claw looked at the fourth wall before going to the end and pulling those covers off. Sure enough, Twilight's head was there. Her front hooves, too. The claw grabbed the hoof ring and tried to pull it off, but, as usual, it was like it was super glued on. The claw tugged on it. No dice. So the claw continued to do so until Twilight fell of the chair thing. This caused Twilight to wake up, so the claw and purple light fled.

Twilight looked around in confusion. What in the name of the galaxy girls was that? She quickly crawled over to where Rarity was sleeping.

"Rarity, something else tugged on my hoof," Twilight whispered to Rarity.

"I guess somepony has a hoof fetish," Rarity yawned. "Twilight, dear, it's after midnight. What are you doing on the floor of all places?"

"You're on the floor as well," Twilight retorted with a small smirk.

Rarity was not amused. "That's because I don't wanna be in the same room as your bed," she explained. "I know what you do to that thing and it's not pleasant."

"How did you find out?" Twilight asked in another whisper.

"Please, everypony knows about the others fetish," Rarity said. "Well, I might as well wake Applejack and Rainbow Dash up."

"Why? Isn't it, like, 1 in the morning?"

"I can't get back to sleep since you woke me up," Rarity grumbled, "why do they get to sleep in?"

"Good point..." Twilight went back over to her chair-thing as Rarity MAGICKED over a phone. She began dialling a very long number before realizing something.

"What the buck is this thing?" Rarity asked herself before tossing the phone away. She called over to Rainbow Dash and Applejack, "Hey, Dashie, Japple!"

"What?"the two asked in unison.

In response, Rarity poofed up an alarm clock and set it off. Immediately, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and poor old Spike got up.

The next morning, Applejack left because she had to go home and get some sleep. However, right after she left and took a couple steps away, she was approached by Suxus, wearing a "very" clever disguise. Applejack didn't know him, so it was pointless, but, y'know.

"Excuse me, miss, would you like some gold?" Suxus asked Applejack, showing the orange mare a bag.

"Um, why would ya be askin' me this outta nowhere?" Applejack asked back.

"Well, this is 120% natural gold, no artificial metals," Suxus replied. "And it's going for a bargain! Only 27 bits! Imagine! All this wonderful gold can be yours! This has to be about 20x times the value I'm offering!" Lunar Siren came up just about then to inspect Applejack for the ring. "You could buy, like, 838 PSYs! And that's only because he's not going for much. But wait! There's-"

"I don't want it!" Applejack suddenly shouted.

"No!" Lunar yelled as well.

"But... But I don't want it!" Applejack told Lunar. "It makes yer hooves turn green!... I think..."

"I wasn't talking about you!" Lunar tried to explain. "Well, I mean, I was talking about you, but not in the way you were talking about you."

"So what were you saying?" Applejack enquired.

"It's none of your business!" Lunar said, pushing Applejack along.

"What are you doing?" Suxus hissed to Lunar once she (Applejack) was far enough so that she couldn't hear them. "I was going to make a hard sell!"

"Well, she didn't have the ring!" Lunar whispered back. "I told you! She's purple!"

"Purple, orange, peach." Suxus dismissed Lunar's comment. "They're all the same when you think about it."

"We are not the same!" Lunar snapped, failing to notice Rarity, Twilight and Rainbow Dash pass them by.

"Hey, Applejack, where ya goin'?" Twilight asked, trottin' up beside her friend.

"Home! To git some sleep..." Applejack mumbled. "Not to be rude, Twilight, but you and Rarity woke me up at one in the mornin'!"

"And I do feel awful about it," Rarity apologized with a slight sarcastic edge.

"Hey, I feel fine!" Rainbow informed Applejack. "Why do you feel so cruddy?"

"You're used to it," Applejack answered.

"...She's got me there," Rainbow said to the other three. "By the way, where're Pinkie and Fluttershy? I haven't seen 'em all day."

Twilight thought about it for a moment. "I think Fluttershy's doing something with Chrysalis..." she started.

"And Pinkie's off at a press conference concerning Cupcakes," Rarity finished.

"A conference?! Pinkie told me the next time she went to one of those, she'd bring me!" Rainbow Dash said. But nopony listened.

"So, Twi, now that we're all together, what do ya wanna do?" Applejack enquired.

"Stuff, I guess," Twilight shrugged. "C'mon, let's go look at stuff that shouldn't be here."

And the group ran off, Suxus and Lunar Siren finally noticing. They started to run after them, Tufnel coming up with the umbrella.

"Sir, it's suddenly raining!" Tufnel shouted.

Suxus and Lunar suddenly started running back, Tufnel following suit. Once they realized they didn't have a ride, they ran forwards again. Tufnel, again, did what they did. It's just that, this time, he threw nails behind him for no good reason.

OVER THE FOLLOWING WEEKS (AND BY THAT, I MEAN 4 DAYS), FIVE ATTEMPTS WERE MADE TO STEAL THE RING. AS YOU COULD PROBABLY GUESS, ALL OF THEM FAILED

ATTEMPT 1 (PLAN B)

"...And this is what Lyra calls an elevator," Twilight finished, after describing an elevator to Rainbow Dash.

"Elevators! Peh! Who needs 'em when you can fly?" Rainbow Dash commented.

"I can't fly," Twilight pointed out, "so I guess it's kinda useful."

"You gotta point," Rainbow Dash said.

Somewhere on the outside of the elevator, a lever was pulled (labelled "Copyright FlutterDash Corp.") and Rainbow Dash's glasses were dragged to a wall, which was now a magnet.

"Ah!" Rainbow started whipping her head around, confused. "Where are my glasses!?"

"I don't-" Twilight began, but the hoof with the ring on it got dragged to the wall, then the ceiling. "Ah! Elevators are evil!"

"I told you so!" Rainbow Dash said, feeling around for her glasses.

Back outside the elevator, the lever was pulled back and the wall let Twilight go. Dashie's glasses, too. Twilight glanced all confused like at the wall, then at Rainbow Dash, then MAGICKED her glasses back on.

"That was odd..." Dashie muttered. "Anyways, what first attracted you to me?"

"Your ability to ignore weird stuff like this," Twilight replied.

ATTEMPT 2 (PLAN D)

"...And so Lyra wouldn't agree that elevators are evil!" Twilight finished, the two going to a mailbox.

"Really, darling?" Rarity had a bored expression. "You really thought she'd believe that?"

"Do you?"

"I've never seen an elevator," Rarity reminded Twilight.

Twilight mumbled a little and put her letter in he mailbox. But, suddenly, something grabbed her hoof!... Again!

"Rarity, something's got my hoof again!" Twilight said.

Rarity groaned in annoyance. "How many ponies have a hoof fetish around here?"

"It... Always points... Towards fetishes... Doesn't it?!" Twilight grunted, trying to get her hoof out of the grasp of whoever was grabbing it. In the end, she got it out.

"...So, tell me, should mailboxes exist, or shouldn't they?" Rarity enquired after a couple moments.

"Eh, why not?" Twilight shrugged. "I guess they're useful."

And the two walked away... Followed by the mailbox getting up and going the opposite way. Seconds later, Derpy came out of nowhere and started chasing it.

"Wait! I have to get mail out of you!" Derpy cried.

ATTEMPT 3 (PLAN E)

One day, Twilight found one of those things where you stand on a thing, insert the coin and a card pops out. So Twilight, not sure if it should exist or not, stood on the thing and inserted a bit. Seconds later, a card came out. Twilight reached to take it, but the thing holding flipped down, like it was trying to take her hoof off. It didn't concern the purple unicorn too much.  So she walked it.

ATTEMPT 4 (PLAN F)

Twilight and Applejack were in this random bathroom, washing their hooves, singing a random song to themselves. Twilight was done first, so she went over to the hoof dryers that had just been installed. However, when she stepped on the thing that sent the air out, it instead sucked her left hoof in.

"Even the bucking hoof dryers!?" Twilight yelled in annoyance.

"Whaddya mean even the-" Applejack started to question Twilight's out-of-context question, but then she noticed the intense sucking power. So strong, it almost took her hat away. She quickly grabbed it with her mouth, but the dryer was still trying to take it away from her.

Twilight did manage to get her hoof out, but the dryer kept on a-rollin'. Eventually, it got to the point where her and Twilight had to grab onto sinks to avoid being sucked any closer - but Applejack's fell off!

"AH! Buck!" Applejack cried, trying to stop the flowing water from doing so.

At about that time, Rarity and Rainbow Dash entered.

"What's all the fuss going on in here?" Rarity asked the Twilight and Applejack. Suddenly, Dashie's glasses got sucked away from her and Rarity noticed because she got hit in the face with them. "Rainbow Dash! Would you please keep your glasses-" She would have said more, but she finally noticed the sucking hoof dryer and her & Rainbow Dash thought it would be good idea to hang to Twilight for dear life.

This went on for about two minutes: Twilight hanging onto a sink, Rainbow Dash & Rarity clinging to her and Applejack trying to stop the water.

Just like the elevator, somepony outside the room (who looked a heck of a lot like Celestia) turned off the hoof dryer with a lever. She started to walk away, but stopped, looked at the fourth wall and said, "I'm not what I seem to be... Don't worry, this'll all make sense later."

Back inside the bathroom, all four were trying very hard to catch their breaths, Applejack stopping the water by stuffing her hat in the pipe. She didn't want to do that, but she had no other option.

"My skin's soaked right through to skin!" Applejack complained. "...Whatever the buck that means!"

"There's more... There's here then... Then meets the eye!" Twilight said between gasps for air.

"Ho ho," Rainbow Dash said.

"Ho," Rarity agreed.

"Ho ho," Rainbow Dash repeated, looking at her wrist, expecting a watch.

THEY ALL LAUGHED AT TWILIGHT'S COMMENT... OK, IT WAS REALLY JUST RARITY AND RAINBOW DASH

"Ho?" Rarity asked.

"Ho ho," Rainbow Dash replied, showing Rarity her wrist.

"Oh," Rarity muttered.

Rainbow Dash shook her head. "Ho," she corrected Rarity.

"Ho!" Rarity nodded.

"Ho ho ho," Rainbow Dash said in satisfaction.

BUT THE NEXT DAY...