Past HELP!

PAST HELP!

Parody of HELP! and the cult from Past Sins by Pen Stroke

Written by That Gamer!

Part 1.4

WARNING: This is where it gets even more nonsensical - if you can believe it.

"Hey, you girls wanna jam or something?" Rainbow Dash asked her friends, guitar in hoof.

FYI, they were all in some kinda recording booth. Rainbow Dash was in front of a microphone, Rarity & Applejack were sharing one and Twilight was at the drums.

"I would, but I have no idea how to play this thing," Twilight admitted, looking at the set before her. "Maybe if Fluttershy was here or something."

"What are you talking about?" Applejack enquired. "Your playing bongos right over there!"

Twilight looked and, in fact, she had a clone in the corner. Said clone waved sheepishly.

"Go home, not-Twilicorn!" Twilight shouted, throwing a random vase at the non-alicorn Twilight. She disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Anyways, are we gonna do something or not?!" Rainbow Dash asked enthusiastically, playing a Hendrix chord.

"Well, they don't have a good bass here..." Applejack half-replied in a mutter, looking around.

Suddenly, everypony's favourite re-named OC Dance "Synth" Pop, came in over the announcementer: "Didn't you see the sign? B.Y.O.B.! Bring your own bass!"

"Bass?!" Rarity repeated. Everypony looked at her and she added, "Uh... I-I knew that! I-"

"You didn't, did you?" Synth deadpanned.

"No," Rarity murmured, using MAGICK to make her bomb disappear.

"Anyways, why the buck is there a B.Y.O.B. rule?!" Applejack, turning her attention back to Synth, continued.

"All of ours have been dropped!" Synth answered sarcastically.

"Hah, hah, yer hilarious!" Applejack snapped. "Now, where are they?!"

"This is ridiculous..." Rarity sighed, putting a hoof to her face.

"We've just never needed them and-" Synth began, but interrupted herself. "Wait. Do you guys hear that buzzing?"

There was a brief pause followed by a chorus of "No".

"I-I swear to Faust I hear a buzzing sound," Synth the four. "I can prove it! For no good reason, I've been recording our conversation-"

"Why?" was the thing that cut her off, given by all four.

"Because I need something of more substance then Rainbow Factory!" Synth exclaimed. "Now listen!" Then she hit the play button the recording device.

So was played back Synth and Applejack's argument about basses. It was pretty obvious that Twilight didn't give two $#!ts about it because she was tapping along to some song playing in her head. What it was, I don't know, but I do know that the buzzing sound Synth was talking about got progressively louder under it just... Stopped.

"OK, not it's stopped!" Synth shouted in annoyance.

"What disappeared, darling?" Rarity asked.

"The... The buzzing! It's gone!" Synth answered.

"Well, you don't have to be rude about it," Rarity huffed, looking the other way and doing the snooty eye-close.

"How was I-" Synth began, but then Twilight fell through a hole in the floor. "SEE?! I TOLD THERE WAS A BUZZING SOUND AND IT MADE A HOLE IN THE FLOOR!... What?"

Ignoring Synth, the three mares left in the studio went to the hole and peered down into it, only to see Tufnel and Lunar Siren holding Twilight down, Suxus getting ready to cut off her hoof with a chainsaw.

"We should do something!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

"Should we do something?" Applejack enquired inquisitively.

"We should do something!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

"Should we do something?" Applejack enquired.

Meanwhile, down the hole...

"This is going to be a lot easier then asking for it!" Suxus exclaimed in delight, lowering the chainsaw.

Twilight would've said something, but she had her mouth covered.

"I knew you were going to say that!" Lunar laughed manically. "I read ahead the script!... Speaking of which, you might wanna duck, Suxus."

"Duck? Why would he?" Tufnel asked. Then Suxus got hit in the back of the head by a flying cymbal. "Ohh..."

Said flying cymbal came from the Celestia-lookalike, who somehow managed to get Tufnel and Lunar off of Twilight. They (Twilight and the lookalike) ran out the door, the lookalike closing and locking the door.

"I-I'm the fourth pony!" the fourth pony, Endless Wire, shouted before trying desperately to open the door. "I'm here!"

"...At least he's not getting stuck in it," Tufnel tried to reassure Suxus, who was knocked out, so...

Back with Twilight and the lookalike, they continued to run down the hallway.

"Flea! You must flea!" the lookalike commanded Twilight, the two stopping at split in the halls.

"Right after you give me an explanation for why you helped me!" Twilight demanded.

"It makes less sense then Southland Tales, OK, so just GO!" the lookalike shouted, poiting down the right hallway.

"It's not like I cared," Twilight mumbled, going down said hall, the lookalike going down the left and into a wall, which was supposed to be a canteen, but...

"...We should do something!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

"Should we do something?" Applejack enquired.

"We should do something!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

"Should we do something?" Applejack enquired.

"We should do something!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

A DAY LATER, AFTER THE FOUR FORGOT ALL ABOUT TWILIGHT NEARLY DYING...

"An Indian restaurant?" Twilight echoed. "Why are we going to an Indian restaurant?"

"Pinkie's out of town and the Cavuern's closed," Rarity explained.

"So if Pinkie's gone..." Twilight began, but Rainbow cut her off.

"Shut up, we're here," Rainbow interrupted, the four walking by the front window.

Noticing this, a pony on a balcony wove into the distance... Signalling another pony in a barrel to wave off into the same distance... Signalling another pony to fire a shot into the previous distance... Signalling another pony to shine off into the second distance... Prompting another pony to accidentally step on a cat... Setting in a motion another pony to use his radio... Making another pony answer his radio and raise a flag... Having another pony do a complex series a flag signals... Thus, another pony dialled a number on a phone... Finally making another pony answer his phone, go "OK!" and tap Tufnel's shoulder.

"Thanks, Tommy, for suggesting we get the rest of the cult down here to help with the ring-getting," Tufnel said to Tommy before running off to a garden party.

"Um.. My name's Quadrophenia!" Quadrophenia called after Tufnel, but that wasn't important enough to remember.

Anyways, let's cut to where Suxus is. He was conversing with some kind of pony.

"And, you see, ponies today are too addicted to their clop," Suxus complained to Green Weezer. "It's everywhere! On every website! It's like the only thing they want on their unnamed porn websites! So, I propose that if we get them into grimdark and crap like Cupcakes and The Rainbow Factory, let them see a little bloodshed, they can learn about good... Well, not good, but more interesting stories..."

At this point, Tufnel sneaked in and hid behind a table. He briefly peeked out from behind it to wave to Suxus before noticing the somepony sitting at the table he was at.

"Oh... Hello, mister!" Tufnel greeted before going off to Suxus's table.

"...They'd learn something about self-sacrifice and, of course, I don't expect you to see eye to eye with-" Suxus continued before Tufnel came up to him on the ground.

"They are in the ice hole!" Tufnel whispered to his leader

"You could just have told me," Suxus hissed. He told Green he had to leave and he went off, Tufnel making a big deal of him hiding.

Back with the ponees-

SEEKING ENLIGHTENMENT AS TO RINGS, THEY APPROACHED THE NEAREST ORIENTAL. WHY THEY DID THIS INSTEAD OF CONSULTING THE PRINCESS IS BEYOND MY GRASP.

I was just about to say that. Not exactly, but... A-Anyways, Twilight shoved her ring in the face of a pony standing outside.

"Do you know something about rings or what?" Twilight asked, stoned off her flank.

"Urm... Uh... Well, I can definitely say that it's a nice ring," the pony, Inner Light, complimented the purple princess.

"Well, if you like it so much, you can have it," Twilight offered, pushing the ring closer.

"What?! You can keep it, b!tch!" Inner suddenly cried, pushing Twilight away.

"Oy! This bloke's from the west!" Twilight told her friends.

"Yeah, I can see it in his eyes," Applejack muttered, squinting.

Inner Light was shocked by this accusation. "I can assure all of you that I am of Eastren culture!" he said defensively.

"Then what does this ring mean to you?" Twilight asked, shoving the ring back in Inner's face.

"Bollocks," said Inner simply.

"Never mind the bollocks!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. "Here's the red ring!"

"Look, I don't know!" Inner argued. "Blood 'ell!"

"Waitaminute... You're English!" Rarity came to the sudden conclusion.

"...Yes..." Inner Light was ashamed.

"...Liar!" Rarity shouted. "Liar! Liar, liar, liar! I hate liars! No offence, darling."

"None taken," Applejack grumbled.

"But wait! We do have one from the Middle East!" Inner spoke up. "Tabula, get out here!"

On command, Tabula came out off the restaurant. "What do ya want?" he asked quite rudely.

"Are you from the Middle East?" Inner Light asked.

"You called me out to tell me that?" Tabula replied wit his own question. "Anyways, yes, I am. Now can I go back inside?"

"You can," Inner nodded. "Just take them with you. They have some ring questions I think you can answer."

Tabula rolled his eyes and motioned for the four to follow him. They did so, coming into the resturant with him.

Of course, as to be expected, they ended up in the first room, with a pony standing on his head.

"Doesn't the blood ever rush to your head?" Rarity asked casually.

The pony, named Cutter Upside, wanted to answer, but he wasn't able to think straight because he had been on his head for hours on end.

MEANWHILE!

"Isn't this Eastern flavour rather expensive?" Rainbow Dash asked, peering in a pot somepony was cooking. "I mean, I can't see it, but..."

"I don't know who pays for it, but somepony does," the pony, Nile Ibiza, shrugged. "Maybe it's my special brew!"

"Huh..." Rainbow Dash muttered, rubbing her chin.

"Wanna take some?" Nile offered, holding out a bottle.

"Eh, I'll take some for Vinyl," Rainbow Dash said, taking the bottle and putting it... Somehwhere.

"Good, that'll be 27 bits," Nile said, suddenly becoming dead serious.

"Urm..." Rainbow got nervous. "Um... Discount for the blind!" Then she bailed, flying out as fast as possible.

MEANWHILE!

"Does the blood ever rush to your stomach?" Applejack asked a belly dancer.

The belly dancer rolled her eyes and just kept doing what she was doing,

"No, really, answer my question," Applejack said.

Despite Applejack's pushing, the dancer kept doing her routine.

"I got a baseball bat and I'm not afraid to use it!" Applejack threatened.

"You get that thing out and I'll murder you," the belly dancer snarled.

"Fine, fine, I'll go somewhere else," Applejack murmured, trotting off.

In case your wondering, the belly dancer's name was "Jappleack".

MEANWHILE!/b]

"What do you know about this ring?" Twilight asked Cutter, showing him her ring.

But, instead of a good answer, Cutter just screamed and ran off as fast as he could, displaying just how talented he was at anything but recognizing rings. That includes laying down on a bed of nails, which he did.

"Back of steel, man," Twilight commented. "Wish I could do that. But my wings are too sensitive."

"That's why I got rid of mine," Cutter told Twilight.

*MEANWHILE!*

Outside the restaurant, Inner Light was minding his own business, when, all of a sudden, two random ponies (from the cult) went up to him, asked about the menu and then assaulted him. The one on the left (Canex Lunnir) put a hoof over his mouth and the one on the right (Crater Cauldron) grabbed his turban, putting it on.

"Now take him away!" Crater told Canex.

"I know, I know, that's the plan after all," Canex murmured, doing as he was told.

Afterwards, a nice couple came up and went inside the place, the stallion stopping to look at Crater.

"I see nothing wrong with that," the stallion pointed out before going inside.

In the kitchen, Rainbow Dash came back to get more Nile Ibiza from Nile Ibiza.

"3 bits, that's my final offer," Dashie argued.

"You drive a hard bargin, RD," Nile muttered sarcastically.

"Hey, it's all I got!" Rainbow Dash snapped, slamming a hoof down on the counter top.

"Well, I-" Nile began, but his co-chef, River Ladle, suddenly got strangled by a member of the cult. "Hey, I think somepony just got choked to death over there. If you go check it out, I'll give you this for 3 bits."

"I'm blind, but I guess..." Rainbow Dash said, going to where she heard the sound.

However, when she went over there, another member of the cult got a hold of Nile.

"H-hey!" Nile cried out in surprise. "Um, miss, you can come back now! I'm kinda in trouble!"

"Can't be bothered; still checking over here!" was Dash's reply.

Knowing Dash wouldn't help him, Nile tried to struggle against the member, but this proved ineffectual, seeing as how the member just shoved his head in a pot of soup or something Indian.

"You overcharge for your beer!!!" the cult member cried.

Nile then managed to pull his head out long enough to shout "Really?!" before it was plunged back in. He was also dragged off before Dash could see what had happened to him.

"What the..." Rainbow Dash began to mutter, but Twilight and Rarity came in then.

"No info on the ring," Twilight told Rainbow. "So let's just get something to eat, 'K?"

"Finally, you take my suggestion!" Rarity exclaimed with a smile.

Rainbow Dash shrugged and followed them. But after they left, another chef came in from the left and a cult member came in through the rear door, throwing his hat at the chef.

"Did you throw your hat at me, hmm?" the chef asked the cult member, giving him an odd look.

"Err... Yes!" the cult member answered awkwardly. He mentally cursed at himself for not bringing his metal-rimed hat. "Could you pick it up for me?"

"Hmm, you could probably do it for yourself," the chef pointed out. "It's only a couple of steps away."

"I'll give you 8 bits for it," the cult member offered with a smile as awkward as his previous answer.

"It ain't worth it... 16!"

"Shut up, Nyx," the cult member offered before turning back to the chef and saying, "Speaking of which, would you take 16 bits?"

"Ooo, why didn't you say so?" the chef asked, eagerly picking up the cult member's hat.

While he did that, the cult member quickly ran over to the rack, picked out an appropriate pan and went back over to the chef, holding it at such an angle that, when he stood up, he would be knocked out. The chef did stand up, but he didn't get knocked out.

"Oh, I see you like that pan, hmm?" the chef hmm'd, tilting his head a little. "Well, you can have it if I can have your hat."

"Actually, I know something you can do for that," the cult member said.

"What?"

"Please be knocked out!" then the cult member brought the pan down on the chef's head, making him colder then the current temperature of the stove.

Back outside the kitchen, Applejack has gone back to pestering Jappleack about bellydancing, which made her completely oblivious to the band on stage getting kidnapped by more members of the cult, which I shall now call Lunatics. Coincidently, the same couple from before was there and saw this. They didn't bother to alert anypony, but that was probably because they were just as stoned as the Mane 2/3. And then, speak of the devil, Twilight, Rarity and Rainbow entered just then and sat down at the table closest to the kitchen door.

"Oi, are you eating Applejack, or are ya gonna stare at yourself all day?" Twilight called over to her friend, who wasn't really that far away.

Instead of answer, Applejack signalled for them to come over, making her, again, oblivious to somepony getting kidnapped. This time, however, it was Jappleack.

"Aw, f***!" Japplejack swore as she was dragged away. "I used to have a motherf***ing career!... S***!"

Anyways. Replacing Japplejack was that Celestia lookalike from earlier, who immediately started doing some kinda dance with Applejack.

"Twilight is danger and that is all the plot I can give away," maybe Celestia whispered to Applejack.

"...Ah presume that this the last dance," Applejack said to nopony, chuckling at her pun neither of them got.

OK, enough of that, let's focus somewhere else: Another chef was getting strangled and that couple from earlier from earlier saw this, too. They took it surprisingly well, seeing as how the resturant they were at was getting invaded by idiots.

"'Tis a rather jolly place, I do say," the stallion commented.

"I concur!" the mare agreed. "Normally when we come here, it's just Eastren food that's not really Eastern! Glad they're spicing it up a little. And look! The Eastern band that's not really Eastern is playing 'A Garage Dayz Nite', which also isn't Eastern, but they're playing it in a faux-Eastren way! Jolly good, I do say, gov'na!"

"...Ok, you're being way too British," the stallion told his wife.

"Bollocks! Bloody 'ell! Tele'por'!" was his wife's reply.

Getting back with the focus, it appeared that Twilight, Rarity and Rainbow were finally gonna get served... By Suxus.

"Really is a pleasant place," Rarity said to Rainbow.

Rainbow shushed Rarity. "I'm trying to listen to the band! Really intriguing music they're playing..."

"Whatever," Twilight muttered, going through the menu. "Hey, guy who tried to sell me something earlier. Are you a waiter or something now? If so, I'm thinking of having a Hibasji roll... Whatever that is, but I presume it's-"

"Actually, we already something all set up for you, princess," Suxus interrupted Twilight, donning an evil grin.

"Aw... I wanted to draw a Hibasji roll," Twilight whined. "Also, you don't have to treat me special just because I'm a princess!"

"Honestly, Twilight, darling, I would take advantage of these kinds of comforts," Rarity admitted with a shrug.

"Fine, we'll get you soup!" Suxus said, trying to keep his grin up, before going away to get something sharp.

OK, enough of that, Applejack and probably-not-Celestia.

"Your friend has three hours to live," the lookalike informed Applejack in a hushed whisper. Y'know, now I'm gonna call her Fakelestia.

"I thought you gave away all the plot," Applejack pointed out.

"I have given away all the plot I can," Fakelestia murmured.

"No you haven't," Applejack argued.

"I think I have," Fakelestia retorted.

Changing focus again, Suxus came back, sharpening one knife on another. Tufnel was following him, per usual.

"I have never understood how that works," Rarity mused. "Hey, can you give Rainbow and I some soup as well?"

"Soup!" Suxus repeated. He turned to Tufnel. "Soup!"

"Soup!" Tufnel echoed, going into the kitchen.

"...I didn't order any meat," Twilight said. "Is that the thing you have planned for me?"

"Um... MAYBE..."

In the kitchen, Tufnel was in a panic because he couldn't find any soup. Not even any faux-Eastren soup. So, instead, he poured water into three bowls, threw some vegetables from the garbage in there and dumped in red food dye.

"...Oatmeal!" Rarity finished as Tufnel came out with the soup.

"I have no idea what that means!" Rainbow exclaimed. "You just said one word!"

"Are you crazy?" Twilight asked as a bowl was laid down in front of her. "Oh, finally."

"Hey, that's a nice ring you got there," Suxus complimented the obvious.

"You're not the only one today who's said that," Twilight sighed. She used her MAGICK to dip her spoon in her soup and pull up... Granny glasses. "Hey! Waiter, there are glasses in my soup!"

"It's not a fly, so it's yours!" Tufnel called, as he was waiting another table.

"Well, do kinda like them," Twilight, putting them on, muttered. "Yeah, they're good."

Elsewhere!

"Your friend is wearing the sacrificial ring," Fakelestia continued giving plot exposition you already knew. "If she doesn't get it off, she will be the next sacrifice."

"OK, I'm serious now, stop talking," Applejack snapped.

"I should stop talking," Fakelestia agreed.

Elsewhere!

"Hey, boss, she's not painted red," Tufnel said, coming back to their table. "First of all, here's yer pepper. Secondly, she isn't red. Boss, I thought you were a stickler for aesthetics. Now you're just letting the red thing go? I thought it was important to killing her!"

"Eh, I've always thought a white would've been better." Everypony looked at Rarity. "WHAT?! It works with the glasses!"

"Look, the ring was supposed to go on Luna," Fakelestia explained, "and she was supposed to wear it all day, which was nice, since blue and red kinda go together when you squint at it. Anyways, at the day's end she was supposed to be slaughtered in a fit of ecstasy, using her blood to bring back Nightmare Moon, even though the comics had said she could come back on her own, thus rendering the cult completely and utterly useless in the long run of things."

"I don't care!" was what Applejack said.

"Um, yes, that is what I have heard about these kinds of things," Suxus quickly covered up for Tufnel. "Also heard it's supposed to be brutal."

"In three hours!" Tufnel reminded Twilight.

"Will that be all?" Suxus hissed. "...Oh, buck it all! You have until 5. Then you're the new sacrifical victim for us to resurrect Nightmare Moon so she can rule, even though the comic proved that she doesn't need us!"

"Hey, I just said that!" Fakelestia shouted.

"Right in my ear..." Applejack muttered.

"Hey! There's a season ticket in my soup!" Rarity cried, breaking the tension or whatever there was.

"I guess that's for - wait for it - seasoning!" Twilight cracked up. "W-what? Doesn't anypony get it? Anyways, if you two are so curious about the ring, I got it from Luna. Honestly, I think she likes me. It may be just me thinking too deeply about it, but it really does seem that way. Besides, I don't think it has any significance. Thinking about throwing it in a volcano later. The dragons will definitely appreciate it."

Suxus grinned evilly again.

"Oh, so you want it so badly?" Twilight enquired. "You can have it then." She then used her MAGICK to tug at the ring... Which seemed to be superglued in place. "Um... It's kinda stuck... Just gimme a sec..." She then spent another 5ive minutes trying to get the ring to release it's death grip. "Damn it... I can remove any other ring I have! Which is one... Which is this one, meaning I can't remove any of my rings."

"Well, let me have a try," Suxus offered, giving Tufnel his umbrella and taking red dye out of his pocket.

Fortunately, Fakelestia noticed what was going on, pushed Applejack away and screamed, "GET YOUR SORRY FLANKS OUT OF HERE!"

"Wha-" was all Twilight had time to say before Tufnel sliced their table in half.

"Oh... I'm not gonna get any good vibrations for that," Tufnel remarked sadly.

"Damn straight!" Twilight shouted, using her alicorn powers to teleport her, Rarity, Rainbow and Applejack out of the building.

A hush fell over the place.

"...Well, I'm gone!" Fakelestia broke the silence before very casually moonwalking out.

"...If I had a middle finger, I've be giving you it so hard right now," Suxus said to Tufnel, p!$$ed as all hay.

"And what would I do once I got it?" Tufnel asked.

"Shove it up your @$$!" Suxus snapped before storming off.

"Well, that can't be comfortable," Tufnel observed. Bright as this story, he is.