Past HELP!

PAST HELP!

More or less based off of HELP! and maybe the cult from Past Sins by Pen Stroke

Written by That Gamer and Hellfilly Deluxe

Part 1.5

WARNING: Might not be all that good, but whatever.

"Um... Girls, are you sure about this?" Twilight asked, nervously looking at her surroundings.

"Ah'm telling you, Twi, some mare told me you were gonna be killed, if yah had that ring on," Applejack, standing next to her friend, replied.

"And the jeweler's was closed," Rarity continued. "I don't like what we're doing instead of waiting for him to open, but I guess we get what we're given."

"Don't worry! I know what I'm doing!" Pinkie smiled, strolling over to the bench that Twilight's hoof was currently laying on.

"If you knew what you were doing, this place would be a lot cleaner," Rarity commented under her breath.

"It adds atmosphere!" Pinkie told Rarity. Next, she turned her attention to Twilight and poofed up a toolbox out of hammer space. "Much like your ring, Twiliey. Sadly, though, it has to go. I-"

After that mysterious meeting with the mare at the Chinese restaurant who was not Celestia, I swear, the Mane Quartet decided to finally just have the ring removed. However, the jeweler's was closed, so they had to settle for Pinkie, who may not know what she's doing.

"We just said all that!" Applejack shouted at the bold text.

Sorry. It's just been a while since the last chapter, so I didn't know what was going on.

"Something was going on at all?" Rainbow wondered aloud, sneaking some of Pinkie's latest batch of death. It was wrong to be eating them, but you sure wouldn't give a buck if you were eating 'em!

"Look, darling, could you please just be quiet until we need you?" Rarity asked the bold text.

Fine. Whatever. It'll make this less meta.

"Yeah! I want everypony to stop stealing me schtick!" Pinkie told her friends.

There was as short pause, the only sound being Rainbow eating. Twilight coughed after a while, snapping Pinkie back to what she was supposed to be doing.

"Right!" Pinkie, starting to dig through the box of tools, exclaimed. "Don't worry, Twilight, I'm a master of cutting thing. Everytime I've cut Rainbow Dash, she's come out fine!"

"But you've killed her every time you have," Twilight reminded Pinkie. "That's a clone, remember?"

"She is?" Pinkie looked genuinely shocked at this information. "Is that why she looks so surprised every time?"

"Ah'd imagine," Applejack replied with a shrug. "If she wasn't, do yah think people would read all those Cupcakes spinoffs? Ah mean, Ah know yah do kill other ponies, but Rainbow seems to be the most common... Unless from what Ah've heard about Smile HD-"

"Hey, whuzzat about me being a clone?" Rainbow called over.

"It's none of yer business!" Applejack shouted back.

"Actually, it is," Rainbow retorted. "It's all of my business!"

"No it ain't!" Applejack argued. "Now go back to eating yer cupcakes or whatever!"

"The cupcakes were boring; I've moved onto pie," Rainbow said, eating another hoof-full. "Mmm... Cherry..."

"Warrant's not going to be very with her, methinks," Pinkie commented.

"Look, Pinkie, can you just hurry up?" Twilight asked. "The reader's probably getting bored and I'm kind of on a time limit here!"

"Yes, please speed the process up," Rarity agreed. "This place reeks and I can't stand it. Have you ever heard of air freshener?"

"Coming from the mare who's boutique's inside are $#!t brown," Applejack deadpanned.

"And it adds atmosphere!" Pinkie added, digging deep into her tiny toolbox.

"I just haven't gotten around to changing it, that's all," Rarity told Applejack. "I'm thinking of going from Lil' Miss Rarity brown to Sadistic Rarity purple. That's sounds good, no?"

Before Applejack could get a single word out regarding how she should just make her boutique normal colored, Pinkie had pulled out a hack saw with a large "A-HA!", which was followed by her gleefully telling Twilight, "Now I can take on you and your ring!"

"Yes, please take me on," Twilight said. "Though just the ring. And, Rarity, you sure you can live with this ring being cut in two?"

"Yes, darling, I can," Rarity replied. "Your life is at stake and the ring is starting look something Sweetie would get out of a Cracker Jack box."

"Cracker Jack, I hate that guy..." Applejack muttered.

And so, without any further ado, Pinkie started sawing away at Twilight's ring (which also kinda looked like hacking if you squinted at it sideways). But after about two minutes, nothing changed. Except for the saw. That broke.

"Huh. This thing can through bone, but not metal," Pinkie observed. "...Eh, whatever! I've been meaning to get a new one anyways!"

"You got that last Tuesday," Applebloom remarked, walking by.

"Applebloom, what are you doing here?!" Applejack exclaimed.

Twilight shushed Applejack (and apologized about a dozen times) before Pinkie got out a different tool.

"Darling, that's a screwdriver," Rarity pointed out.

"I know," Pinkie said. "If I can't cut it off, I can pry it off!" She shoved the screwdriver between the ring and Twilight's hoof and only stopped trying to get it off when she realized it wasn't working. She then called to Applebloom, "I need some butter!"

"Hey, quick question," Rainbow spoke up. "Why on Earth do you have a screwdriver?"

"Because I do need to fix my equipment, y'know," Pinkie answered. "It isn't always perfect! Like I remember that one time I was going after this one pony named Buttons and the thing went haywire and he kinda got away. I made up for it by killing Gemini."

"...Honestly, Pinkie, I thought you'd be using that for more deadly purposes," Rainbow stated.

"Actually, I like to use this when I don't have a salad fork handy," Pinkie admitted, Applebloom walking up with some butter.

"...I don't even want to know," Rainbow muttered, going back to her pie. "And, seriously, this stuff is damn good..."

Nodding in approvement, Pinkie took the butter from Applebloom and shoved it between Twilight's hoof and the ring. She once again tried to pry the ring off, but on the first tug, it snapped in two.

"Huh... Twilight, you owe me a lot of new tools," Pinkie told the purple Alicorn, going through her tool box once again.

"B-but I'm not the one breaking them!" Twilight argued. "It's this stupid ring! It's doing it somehow!"

"Hey, Twilight, Ah just thought of something," Applejack said.

"What?"

"If you're such a great Alicorn who is so powerful and knows a ton of bucking magic and spells and $#!t, why can't you just MAGICK it off?"

"Because MAGICK doesn't work on rings," Twilight answered simply. She added a few moments later, "Or bullets. MAGICK doesn't work on bullets."

"Right, Ah should've known," Applejack said, with the most sarcasm she would have that day.

There was a brief period of silence as Pinkie continued going through the tool box until she produced a circular saw. In her own words, "I think my first idea worked a lot better." So she tried and, you guessed it, the saw broke. Pretty bad, I use add.

"Well, I'm all out of ideas," Pinkie stated, tossing the saw over her shoulder. "Unless you wanna give that Smile a try, in which case-"

"NO! NO!" Twilight shouted, MAGICKING her way out of her constraint. "YOU ARE NOT GOING SUPER-SAYAN ON MY HOOF!"

"...and sign several waivers, though I don't know what those are," Pinkie finished, ignoring Twilight's cry.

"Pinkie, she doesn't want it," Rainbow said, going to up to the quartet, mostly 'cause all the pasteries were gone.

"Aw, I had it all set up!... Though, really, there is not set up required for this kind of thing and I don't even know what I was doing, but I did make this bet with Carrot Top to see if I could cartwheel fifty miles and after I had started..."

Not paying any attention to Pinkie's rambles, the Mane 4-Outta-6 decided it be best to leave and try something else. But just as they were going out the door of Sugarcube Corner, this happened:

"Hey, Twilight, I forgot to ask you something!" Pinkie said, running up to the four.

"Um, what is it, Pinkie?" Twilight asked.

There was a long silence. Then Pinkie asked, "Can I eat your cancer?"

"What?!" Twilight was in shock. "First, no! Second, NO! Third, NO! Fourth, how would you? Sixth, NO! And seventh, I don't even have cancer!"

"Not yet you don't," Pinkie replied without a hint of emotion in her voice.

"...OK, let's go," Twilight told the others, quickly making their way out. "Let's just go some place where I'm not strapped a table and being asked creepy questions."